Thursday, 30 October 2014

Comparative Anatomy Part 2: Spoodge Is Not A Trace Fossil

When engaging in a review of dubious erotica, one thing it's important to bare in mind is that size really does matter. The shorter the better in fact. And one thing that really works in the favour of these stories is just how short and direct they are. This does at least mean that your not stuck wading through 200 pages of dubious rapeface until two characters who obviously have nothing in common except for the facts that they both hate each other and are secretly horny finally are pushed into about a paragraphs worth of perfunctory insertion. If you'll forgive the simile, your standard "romance" novel is the erotic equivalent of trench warfare: A painfully drawn out, messy and pointless affair that ultimately does nobody any good. Wheras these Dinosaur porn ebooks are more like blitzkrieg: a sudden attack out of nowhere conducted with little ceremony and scant regards for the standard conventions.

The fact that it's more of an assault on your sanity than your underpants is probably a bit of an issue however.


So, if you'll recall from last time we're comparing two remarkably similar sounding entries in the Dinosaur erotica genre.

And yes, that is a thing. Don't blame me, it's not my fault.

So, how should we judge such fare? Let's devise some appropriate categories and see how each of our 2 titles stacks up.

ROUND 1: CHARACTERS

Taken introduces us to the character of Kate. Apparently young and down on her luck (like all good stars of erotic fiction) she's looking for a job. The fact that it's suggested that this is her first actual go at employment suggests she's also quite young. This is also not unusual for porn. But I want you to bare in mind such terms as young and inexperienced when we get to the fisting.

Mating, in contrast gives us the character of Emma. An established full time... Museum person? It's never really established WHAT it is she does at the museum. She doesn't seem to be engaged in any particular field. Maybe it's like those old Doctor Who stories where it's okay to just be a scientist in a sort of vaguely generalized way. Anyway she's clearly older, although since since porn only has 3 ages (teen, unspecified and MILF) we can't really be sure by how much. And rather than looking for a job she's losing hers. So I guess that's quite different.

WINNER: No Score Draw.

Come on, what did you expect. This is erotic fiction. You don't get character so much as a context for whichever orifice is currently being abused. Moving on...

ROUND 2: PLOT

Yeah, I said plot. Or at least as close as we get in these sort of stories. So, starting with Taken then. Kate is looking for a job but having no luck when she applies for the position of nightwatchman in a museum. And of course instantly get's the job as for some reason no one else will stay on.

Now, I'm not saying that ladies can't work security positions. Of course they can. I've seen thoe womens prison films. But ACTUAL security guards normally have some sort of qualifications, experience and perhaps most importantly background checks done before they're given the keys. And I'm pretty sure they don't wear high heels. So even before the molestosaurus shows up we're already in a highly suspect situation. But of course she's left in charge of a building full of priceless historical artifacts all on her own, because, hey, what's the worst thing that can happen?


All things considered I think they got off lightly. I mean, there's bound to be a mop around somewhere. Anyway then sex with dinosaurs happens, but we'll get to that later.

In Mating conversely we have the unfortunate Emma who, after spending the day unpacking the new Dinosaur exhibit is told she's being fired for failing a mystery shopper visit. Then she's given an evening by her self in the museum, all alone. Because leaving a disgruntled ex-employee unsupervised in a building full of priceless artifacts is obviously a sensible thing to do. I mean, hey, what's the worst that can happen?


So far all we can really tell from both stories is that museum curators couldn't even spell a fatal error of judgement, let alone recognize one. So we have one terrified young woman alone in a museum after dark, and one angry young woman woman alone in a museum after dark. But this is all just a means to an end. A REAR END. If you know what I mean. So now it's time to bring on the Dinosaurs. In Taken the saurian protagonist simply shows up. But in Mating? The poor distraught woman wishes upon a star that she could see the dinosaurs come to life.

Let me say that again. SHE WISHES UPON A STAR. And her wish is granted!

Doesn't matter who you are, you're gonna get fucked by Dinosaurs.

WINNER: I think that mating has to win this round. I mean, that's some proper storybook enchantment going on right there. Shame it's all about to go horribly wrong.

ROUND 3: BIODIVERSITY

Taken features a single protagonist, making the slightly unusual but remarkably sensible choice of using a Pachycephalosaur.


You'll note that of the various interesting anatomical details of this group of dinosaurs the one that's most relevant to our current discussion is that it's of the sort of size that you could conceivably survive having one on top of you. It's also not exclusively carnivorous, so it might not actually try and kill you as soon as it sees you.

Mating again takes a different approach, going for quantity over sanity. Giving us a Stegosarus, an indeterminate Hadrosaur, Iguanadon and some Gallimimus. Needless to say these are generally far bigger creatures.


So whilst it's nice to see a variety of genera, they're not exactly scaled for the sort of activity that is about to occur.

WINNER: I have to give this round to Taken. Whilst it has less dinosaurs on display, the species chosen isn't going to cause any accidental fatalities just by moving around. And mating loses points for using the term Brontosaurus.

Please stop making me use this. Please.

ROUND 4: BIOMECHANICS

 So, we have our vulnerable ladies. We have our Dinosaurs. It's time therefore to initiate coitus.


The Pachycephalosaur in Taken has the more active role, intiating proceedings by sneaking up behind the girl whilst she's studiously ignoring her duties as security guard and touching her up with it's tail.

Okay, so she's sat on a stool in a booth. The Pachy is stood behind her, breathing over her shoulder. And it's tail is somehow sliding up her skirt?


Look, I'm sorry to have to point this out, but this is just wrong. There's no evidence to support any prehensile ability in Dinosaur tail structures. MAYBE a few sauropods might have had something approaching the required flexibility, but outside of that? Dinosaur tails were various degrees of stiff and rigid to aid in balance, and even the more flexible ones would not have been able to curl all the way around the front like that.

Anyway, leaving aside BASIC RESEARCH for a moment, the Pachy proceeds to shove it's tail up the girl. You know, as you do. And she, naturally, is fine with this. In fact she's apparently more than fine, being suddenly lubricated enough to accommodate such an appendage.

After a bit of this she turns around and the Dinosaur goes down her. Whilst you're considering that I'd just like to point out that Pachycephalosaurs were beaked. So you know, no way that could go painfully wrong.

I should also point out that this more foreplay than I've seen in all those supernatural romance novels COMBINED.

Anyway, sticking to the script, after a brief bit of cunnilingus it's time for the main event as it were. And at no point does our heroine stop to question any part of this arrangement. So, how to desribe the unlikely union that occurs next?

 "...she was certain that she would be spoiled for any regular guy now that her tight snatch had been pushed so far beyond normal limits."
So... yeah. That's lovely I guess. If you like that sort of thing. Anyway, after a bit of ridiculous insertion the Pachy pulls out for the money shot. I never realized that Dinosaur mating followed the average porno script so closely, but there you go. What's funny is that the very instant the beast blows it's load it loses interest and wanders off. Typical man, amirite ladies?

So, drenched with the unspeakable crotch fluids of a prehistoric monster, what's left to do but sit on the desk and fist yourself?

Well, probably something involving a mop and a shower, but what do I know about these things? I mean, I was under the impression that ridiculous insertions were something you needed to work up to, lest there be a lot of blood, screaming and awkward questions at the accident and emergency ward. Anyway after that she clears up with a box of tissues and decides that this is clearly the best job, even if she can barely walk out in the morning.

Meanwhile, in the other museum....

Our heroine here you may recall just wished a binch of Dinosaurs to life. And they all seem very friendly, so she decides to.... take off all her clothes? And give an Apatasaurus a hand job?

Okay...?

Seriously, this woman has a group of powerful Saurians, seemingly at her beck and call, and her first thought is to strip naked and interfere with them? She doesn't even TRY to conquer anything. It's baffling. Still, as the very existence of these books demonstrates, it really does take all sorts.

After the Apatasaurus delivers the sort of money shot only multi-ton mega fauna and anime characters are capable of, it's off to suck on an Iguanadon. And here I really have to start to wonder about the authors grasp of the physical realities of the situation. I mean, I can't really comment on wether or not you'd be able to fit the want of a creature like that in a human mouth or not, soft tissue not being exactly prone to fossilizing and all. But when a Hadrosaur creeps up behind for a spit roast I simply cant see how both animals can fit in together close enough to allow such an activity. let alone how they can manage it without crushing her bones to jelly. I get that there's a certain amount of fun to be had in attempting to tessellate naked bodies, but the laws of physics and geometry are just not in your favour here. Unless someones put in a no clipping cheat to allow the animals to pass through each other, but if you can't actually touch anything what's the damn point?

Anyway, at the denumont of this particualr menage au trois we're treated to this little snippit.

"When the dinosaur came it flopped down on top of her, and she laid there for a few moments, still liking the feeling of him inside her, but then the dinosaur crawled off and she was hungry for more."
After that the only thing you're going to be hungry for is an ambulance. And that's only if you're very lucky. Whilst the book doesn't specify exactly which genus of Hadrosaur we're talking about, we're going to be looking at an animal somewhere in the region of 3 tons. As if the floor wasn't in a bad enough state after all that sauropod jism, now it's covered in guts and ichor after the hapless girl was almost certainly popped like a meat balloon.

Who says Lythronax is the king of gore?

Anyway, I guess she had a phoenix down, because then she's onto the Steg. Who is apparently ribbed, for her pleasure. And then a flock of Gallimimus. Because what could be sexier than a glorified ostrich?

Smexy

Interestingly the book makes no mention of whether the Gallis are feathered or not. Whilst the evidence points towards feathers, I hope for their sake that they aren't in this version. I mean, with all the STUFF flying around and coating the participants laundering the plumage is going to be a NIGHTMARE.

Anyway, having finally been gangbanged by every available creature, she finally get's up and leads her new Dinosaur army off into the night, smashing their way out of the museum in a scene that would probably be quite cool if anyone had bothered to actually describe it.  But I get the impression that even the author had enough by this point, as the detail in each subsequent coupling gets increasingly perfunctory. Still, to be fair that's probably for the best.

WINNER:


Yeah, that about sums it up.

So, overall scores?

Taken At The Dinosaur Museum if you'll remember scored a point for having the least shit cover in out previous installment. It also scored an extra point for using a Dinosaur that wouldn't instantly kill whoever it was trying to fuck. And whilst skimping on the detail at least managed to not misuse any terminology.

Mating At The Dinosaur Museum scored a point for it's enchanting wish upon a star rationalization of Dinosaurs, but lost out for using the term Brontosaurus. As well as inflicting multiple fatalities on it's heroine. Still, I think a Dinosaur army counts as happier ending than an explicitly wrecked vagina, so it probably balances out in the end.

Obviously, both stories lose points for not ever mentioning the word Cloaca.


Really, this is a bit of a glaring oversight when discussing the reproductive urges of birds or reptiles, let alone the order that bridges the two.

We'll call it a draw. I suppose if nothing else it's technically a good thing that no one person has a monopoly on the genre anymore. Just so long as nobody starts coming up with anything else so utterly ridiculous that I'm compelled to wade through if for your amusement. How how can you beat a psychic T-Rex or a magical Dinosaur sex army?


Oh, for fucks sake. Are you KIDDING ME?