Finally the downloading is done and we can start on our mighty adventure. Load up, make sure we're on a European server, and....
What do I do now? I'm in a castle, of some description. But that's all I know. Still If I wander around for a bit I'm sure I'll find someone to help point me in the direction of some learner quests.
ahh, here's a likely fellow.
In the universal language of mmorgs, giant floating punctuation means you have something to say. According to this fellow someones been looking for me. What a coincidence, I've been looking for someone!
Anyway, I must confess I'm a little confused by this deal. Someone has paid this guy to pay to me to go talk to them. Evidently they have some issues with making friends. Still, what else do I have to do except wander aimlessly?
So, possibly several METERS away we find Sir Tydus. I can tell immediately that he's important, because not only does he have punctuation, he has BITCHES.
Is it REALLY a law that all woman must dress like hookers?
He's obviously mad pimping or some such vernacular. Anyway, He's gonna send me off to Necromancer school. This should be awesome. I'm a wizard Harry!!
Anywho, Off we trot through the gate to Lakeside County. This is a charming pastoral area, full of peace and tranquility. And giant fish monsters, but we'll get those in a bit.
Nothing bad could possibly happen...
My contact, Verata the Necromancer is.... Hanging out I guess? Just chilling by road. Now, it's a nice day for it and all, but that doesn't strike me as being exactly.... Necromancery behaviour. Shouldn't we be lurking in a crypt somewhere?
Have you ever TRIED lurking in a field of daisies?
Still, it's not for me to judge. Maybe he's only supremely gothic on the weekends.
Tru-Dark™ Twice as powerful as the leading name brand
Or maybe not.
Still, he only wants me to go kill a hideous fish monster so that he can use it's rotting carcass in some unholy ritual, so that's fine. Up the road there are (conveniently) some hideous fish monsters. Also just hanging out, enjoying the scenery.
Go to DIE, go directly to DIE. Do not pass go, do not collect the rest of your life.
They didn't seem to particularly enjoy being brutally murdered five minutes later by a wand wielding psychopath, but frankly that's not my problem.
Now for the fun bit. He did say I would enjoy this...
I shall love him and hug him and call him George
Awww, it's cute. I want one. This is going to be so awesome, I'll have hideous minions to to my evil bidding! Or.... maybe not. At least not yet. After showing me the twisted blasphemy of unliving flesh he is capable of creating, Verata tells me he can't actually teach me how to do that.
Oh REALLY?
Why not exactly? Don't you know how? The simple fact that you made a point of showing me that you do would kind of dispute that particular theory. An alternative theory would be because you're a dick. Anyway, some spells is better than no spells, so I guess I shouldn't really complain too much. So he gets to show off his metaphorical penis and I get a couple of offensive spells. And I don't mean Tourette's Flapping Mouth.
Anyway, what else is there to do around here? Aside from vent my rage on fish monsters?
Well, the Healer has a refreshing attitude towards her job, but I'm not really the chummy type.
Oh, who's this?
I don't think he lieks Mudkips either
What's that? You'll trade me stuff for bits of fish monster? No, I don't really care what stuff. I'm sure it's very nice, but it's the killing part that I'm interested in. Oh there will be blood, and pain and darkness and death and....
If not, do you have any puppies to show her?
A little girl? And she want me to find her flute? Awwwww....
Well, don't worry about the scary monsters. I'll just go and have a talk with them and see if we can't find where your flutes got to...
Hint: Not happy
BLOOD!!! BLOOD AND DEATH!!! CLEANSE THE EARTH OF ALL THAT LIVES!!
Hint: Not Sleeping
Ahem.
Anyway we trot off for a bit of recreational murder. For hideous bestial creatures of the water these fish men do seem to carry a fine line of wands. Not that they ever seem to be carrying them....
Hang on. Wand shaped object, appearing after all life has ceased... it would have to be coming from......
EEEWWWW. That's not right. I mean, really fish people? REALLY? Save it for when your at home, there's CHILDREN around here. And that counts double for the one with the staff.
Excuse me while I go wash my hands, equipment, backpack and mind.
My Avarice-Sense is tingling...
After a brief interlude of perverted fish murder we find the poor childs flute. It's broken.
I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENED?
Still, probably for the best. She's only young, and may not have thought to wash it first.
I give you my word as a practitioner of the black forbidden arts that you'll PROBABLY be just fine.
And now she wants to...follow me around? How exactly is that going to help?
This is starting to get disturbing. I mean she's like, what, 12? Is this some kind of set up? I mean, I'm really not into that sort of thing but what if someone gets the wrong impression and....
Funny you should say that, because I was just gonna show her MY pointy end....
Yeah. Figures. Funny how the first title you can unlock is "Pedophile".
I've toyed with the idea of trying to write a Let's Play style series for a while, but never quite seem to get around to it. Partly because There really aren't that many games I've been playing that really lend themselves to it. Which I guess is something to do with my general distaste for online gaming. But now I've decided to play Guild Wars for a bit. Why? I hear no one ask.
Well, honestly because I was Stumbling and got an article about how in the sequel you get your own house. That was enough to actually interest me, and a couple of links later we get to the free demo. I like free, so I figure hey ho, let's give it a go. I don't have to set up any new accounts as I've still got one from my City Of Heroes days, so really there's nothing to stop me.
Installation seemed suspiciously pain free. I download the installer, the installer does it's thing and we're straight into character generation. That was remarkably fast. So I break for lunch and then come back to build my ultimate character of ultimate destiny. Not all the various options are available in the demo. I can't create a PVP character. OH NOES!!! Whatever will I do?
Technically speaking I could be less interested in PVP play, but then I'd be in a coma.
So Roleplaying character, chapter the only one that's allowed and we're on to the choice of character class. There's a Necromancer. This means that the concept of choice is entirely irrelevant. If there's one thing I fucking LOVE it's Necromancy. So I ignore the other so called options and choose Necro.
Character setup is pretty straightforward, choose from face, haircut and few colors and off we go.
I'm so pretty
The name is obviously tricky. I go with Myo Ossificans. In this case Myo is short for myositis. Or, as the dictionary would have it:
myositis ossificans
Ossification or the deposit of bone in muscle tissue, causing pain and swelling.
Sounds appropriately melodramatic for a man of my persuasions.
And then it's time to start the game!
Oh, wait. No it isn't.
You remember how earlier I said the install time was SUSPICIOUSLY fast? Now we find out why. Because it had downloaded the character generator, but very little else. So now I'm stuck on a loading screen as we wait for the actual game bit of the game to download.
It's an.... interesting design decision. I can kind of see how it could work. If, for example, there were a sufficient variety of starting areas then it could be technically more efficient to just download the you need. However, the problem here is the interruption of the flow. I've downloaded an installed, I've generated my character. At this precise moment the last thing I want to do is wait for an hour while shit downloads. I want to be, you know, PLAYING.
I'm conditioned to expect the initial download time to be tedious. I'm fully prepared to leave it going while I do something else and come back later to play. But to put the big download here? Seems a little odd. Can I go and do something in the meantime? Will it be safe to, or will I come back to find myself just standing around like a muppet?
Who knows. I don't. I was gonna spend the time writing this, but we're only up to 38%. Guess we'll just have to wait until next time.
I just remembered that I made these ages ago. Quite why I'd think of an old Dinosaur Comics / All Your Base mash up first thing in the morning I'm not quite sure. Probably something to do with my mental problems. Anyway, I've dug it out and uploaded it, ain't you lucky?
I was thinking of putting a poll up here. Not that anyone would care, but it'd be fun to try it and see. And what would I put up for the question? Well based on the only feedback I've ever recieved for anything I've ever written I thought I'd ask for suggestions on which bloody awful book I should recap next. You know, retarding myaelf in the name of your entertainment. So I looked up what would make good possibilities. Obviously there's Twilight, though that's a little played out at this stage don't you think? I could try the Bible or something similar, but that would go on a bit, probably beyond my ability to cope. And then I saw it. A book with an enticing tag line SO retarded it took a grip on mind like a brain damaged pitbull. There was no way I could deny it. It could only be this book.
That's right. It's part 2. I mean, why stop now, just when I'm hating it?
Brace yourself for some EVIL PASSION. It's coming down again.
Though by the end of all this it might be coming up.
My lunch that is, not my penis.
After last time it packed it's bags and left to join a monastary.
Too much detail? THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH DETAIL! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE DETAIL!!!
It's about time I think I got around to actually reviewing Ultra Galaxy Legend. After all, I've been a little lax in my blogging lately, and it seems Sci-Fi Japan actually got in before me on this, Damn them. However I must confess that I found their review a little.... lacking somehow. So obviously it's up to me to do better. Or at least (once everyones stopped laughing) do my version.
The version I bought was the all singing, all dancing hyper mega ultra combo limited edition version, that comes boxed with a disc of extras and books of script and story board, all which is fascinating if you can actually read and speak Japanese. If you can't then probably less so. Just for the record I can't, but I'm to big an Ultra nerd to pass this up. In all seriousness the storyboards are quite interesting, and the extras do give you a bit more insight into the production, but the fact that the english subtitles don't extend to anything beyond the main feature does limit you a bit. It's worth noting however that you do at least get an interview with the composer conducted in english, since he's american, and that's quite interesting. But unless you're either hard core or multi-lingual you're probably better advised sticking with the regular edition, since you can pick it up SIGNIFICANTLY cheaper than this deluxe version.
The issue of subtitles is of next highest priority. Now, if you're anything like me then you'll realise the term "english subtitles" is not actually as descriptive as many people would believe. It ranges from accurate, detailed translations conveying the nuances of a scene into a new language all the way to the sort of random word salad you see everyday in your email spam folder, albeit with less mentions of the word penis. Depending on what sort of thing your watching anyway. The subtitles here are actually very good. Not exactly litteral or verbatim (I can recognize enough Japanese words to know that at least), but conveying the necessary information and emotions. Which is what you'd hope for really. Subtitles are a tricky art, and word for word literalism seldom works. To get subtitles of this standard on a Japanese is a blessing, as you'd appreciate if you ever saw the standard on the copy of Armour Of Darkness I've got.
So, we can understand the story. But what of the story itself? Is it actually any good? This is where it gets a little trickier. In part because I'm such a massive raving fanboy, and in part because this is a film with a job to do. It's quite obvious that the idea here is to link from what has come before (Ultraman Mebius, Ultra Galaxy) into what is yet to come in the shape of Ultraman Zero. And when you're dealing with over 40 years of a shows history that's an awful lot to get in without alienating anyone unfamiliar with the franchise (I hear there's people like that out there somewhere, though how they can bare to go on living is frankly beyond me). To be fair the film does as good as one might hope in this respect. The old, mid and new school all get their bit to do, and in the end everyone gets to make some contribution to the battle. A lot of the problems are avoided simply by stripping down the available cast of Ultramen fairly quickly as Ultraman Belial slices his way through almost every Ultraman going in a series of split second cameos before freezing the Ultra homeworld solid. For an Ultra fan those opening fight scences are pure joy. It's great just trying to spot all the Ultras, let alone they pleasure of such a long, dramatic fight. And it's on the ULTRA HOMEWORLD!!!
The glimpses we get of the Ultramens home are simply gorgeous, all crytal and light. It's interesting to note that pretty much the entire film was shot on greenscreen. Whilst this does make a certain amount of sense when trying realise anything on the scale of the Ultrahomeworld it was a little unexpected in other instances. After all, they've had more than a few years experience in creating desolate wasteland sets for men in suits to stomp around on. It's not, however, particularly obtrusive CGI. Such as the Star Wars prequels gave us at times. Yes, there are moments when it's a bit obvious, but in all honesty I didn't really notice first time I watched it. I was a bit bust being enthralled. I think the fact that they're employing more traditional means for the monsters themselves helps to ground the visuals slightly. Using greenscreen in this way does allow for some very creative and dynamic action sequences however. The shot where Rei first summons Gomora is one of my favorites in the whole film. I guess there are still some people who would prefer all digital creatures over the tradtional physical effects approach, but they are merely souless husks that once were men and feed on the blood of children, so who cares what they think? The monsters look good, and are composited into their digital environments well. I'm not actually 100% sure if there really are 100 monsters used though, but then I haven't been through it with a checklist, stopwatch and pause button yet. There are however definitely a hell of a lot. Much like the prceding Ultra Galay TV series they appear to be taking advantage of the number of suits they have in storage from recent series. There's an extra DVD I found on ebay that (I think) claimed to give a rundown of all 100 Monsters. However it was lacking quite a a few that were actually on screen, so go figure. Either way it looks pretty amazing having that many monsters on screen at a time (whatever number it finally turns out to be), though it does mean that the inverse ninja principle kicks in. Still, such is life.
Anyway, back to the plot. As I said it does have a lot to do, but achieves it well enough. There perhaps some areas where things could flow a little more smoothly, but with so many disperate elements to draw together there's no specific examples that spring to mind for improvement. The parallels between Belial and Zero are certainly quite interesting, though nothing I can really get into without going all spoilery. It's kind of odd that much of the film doesn't feature Zero at all, but then the whole point s to build up to him I suppose. You certainly get some sense of his character though, and the prospect of getting a full series with him is rather exciting. Belial makes for a good villain as well, basically being the anti-Ultraman. He stands for everything we don't stand for if you get what I mean. Needless to say, you can't keep a good villain down, and I'm quite sure he'll be back as well. I suppose the only real concern with the film is how it would be recieved by newcomers. This is kind of tricky for me to judge, seeing as how I found it to be about an hour and half of rock solid erection. It does suffer a little by being a direct sequel to several other series. Obviously Ultra Galaxy, but more specifically the Ultraman Mebius: Ghost Reverse DVDs; which as I understand it set up the beginning of the film and the Giga-Battlenizer quite directly. However I haven't seen them since I've yet to locate a subtitled version. However you do get just enough exposition in the film itself to get by with. Indeed, there's one scene which functions on a few levels, with Mirai explaining Ultraman history to Rei thus filling in the plot for the characters, the background for the newbies and giving the old-school types a nice glimpse at Ultra history. Certainly I doubt the target audience will have any major problems, since they're all about 8 and are given more than enough giant monster action to satisfy. Indeed, this is an action film in every sense, and I doubt 20 minutes go by without at least some sort of fight happening. It's pretty relentless, but maintains excitement and interest throughout. Were I introducing someone to the franchise cold I might be tempted to go with Great Decisive Battle: The Superior 8 Ultra Brothers as it does take a slightly more celebratory approach to the franchise as a whole. This is however a good jumping on point, which I think is rather what it's meant to be. The only major problem being the unavailability of the source material which may natuarally wish to move onto after watching. At least in any official or intelligable fashion.
However the simple fact that this release contains proper english subtitles is a mark of hope. These days the whole regional thing is increasingly irrelevant, and the fact that local distribution companies unwilling to pick up a title isn't much of an impediment. The only thing stopping us is the language barrier. And I have a pile of Ultraman festival DVDs to dispute even that. You put subtitles on the discs and we'll buy them. You can have our money if you want it. Hell, you can have our damn ORGANS. I'd give a kidney for a subtitled release of Ultra Q, easy.
Anyway, the point is that it's out at last, and I've played it. And like a good little blogger I can't do ANYTHING in life without subsquently writing about it on the internet for the edification of the millions of disinterested people who will never even see this page, let alone read far enough along to realize that I'm spending the first half of a puported review of a video game slagging them off with the worlds longest run on sentence. Still, attempting briefly to actually get to the point...
The world has been waiting for a good Doctor Who computer game. And no, Destiny Of The Doctors DOESN'T count. I could forgive it being not really very good, but it tried to kill my computer when I tried to install it way back when. So nil points there. Quite WHY it's taken so long for anyone to have a proper go at this is frankly baffling. Just because the series doesn't feature the main character mindlessly chainsawing his way through legions of faceless disposables doesn't mean you can't make a good game out of it. It's quite obviously possible to make a decent computer game that doesn't feature violence as it's main mechanic. And no, I'm not talking about bloody top trumps.
Oh, just fuck off
No, I'm talking about the good old staple of adventure games. Pointing, clicking, spending hours wandering around because you missed that one tiny item in the corner of the screen, mind shatteringly obtuse puzzles designed soley to piss of passing sphinxes and item combinations that simply MAKE NO RATIONAL SENSE in ANY universe. That's the sort of thing that would suit a Doctor Who game, right?
Right. That's more or less the sort of thing one may expect, so is it what we've got? Not exactly. What we have is an odd sort of stealth game, with a few puzzles thrown in along the way. There's a few items to be picked up, but it's not like you're having to duct tape a mobile phone to a cat at any point. Items are basically objectives for the sneaking around portions rather than functioning as part of the puzzles. The puzzles themselves take the form of the sort of logic / dexterity / reaction type thing you'll often find in the form of flash games on the web. So for example after sneaking around for a few bits and bobs you may then get an operation style buzzer game to do in order to assemble them into whatever gizmo the plot then requires. And I don't mean any of that in a negative way. That's just what it's like, though obviously with a bit of a Doctor Who polish.The way it's structured does lend the game a sense of variety and keeps things interesting over its admittedly brief play time.
Graphically it's obviously not on the hyper mega shiny bling mapped to the point of unrunability scale of things. It's actually kind of refreshingly old school in a way. But the point here isn't that it looks bad (because it doesn't) but a far more important development decision: This game is meant to be played by everyone. It's been designed to run on as many machines as possible. Might well be it looks a bit shinier on a better machine than mine, I couldn't say. But my rig isn't exactly cutting edge anymore, and I didn't have any problems. I reckon I could probably run it on my laptop, and that's even older. I think the part that really brought this home was when, after arriving in the titular city of the Daleks you can gaze out of a window over a spectacular matt job. No fully rendered scenery just out of reach or fancy polygons, just a texture on the inside of a box over a window. Simple and effective without breaking the bank. Pure Doctor Who in other words.
Being set up much like a normal episode, the game doesn't exactly run for hours. But then that's not what it's trying to do. I'm quite sure that it could all be expanded out, but that would be missing the point. Obviously one advantage of limiting the size of the game is that it makes it easier to download and run. The other point being that from the get go these have been marketed as interactive episodes, and judging by this forst installment that's basically what they are. Obviously they can be a little more ambitious in the visual scope, and the characters and plotting is going to take a bit of a hit in favour of actual gameplay, but that's a function of the medium. It does have to be said that the plot is a little... thin, but there are some good ideas in there, beyond the whole "Daleks have the macguffin of plot device, they must be stopped!!" bit. One bit I did like was how Amys temporal instability (on account of never having been born as the human race was wiped out in the opening bit of the game) actually plays into the gameplay a bit. As she fades in and out of existence you get moments of invisibilty that can help with all the sneaking around. Though I do have to say that the Doctors opening speech about the sixties did seem a bit too 10th Doctor, all pop culture and the like.
Overall, as part one of an episodic game this is a pretty strong release. It's diverting enough, tricky in places without being frustrating and accesable to a fairly wide age range. What of course really bumps it all up to gold standard is the subject of cost. I simply cannot believe they're giving this away for free. All this time waiting for a Doctor Who game and they just give it away? It's madness. They could easily have charged something for this project. Not loads, but something. But no, we get it scott free. The only real downside is that this means you're not likely to see it cropping up on your console of choice any time soon. Which is kind of a shame, as this would ROCK on the Wii. Maybe they'll do a full game in a similar style. One can always hope.
Still, at the end of the day we have a pretty good piece of Doctor Who gaming available for no money whatsoever. I litteraly cannot think of a single excuse to not play this.
It's not big, and it's not clever. In fact it can actually get pretty tedious. But Thus far I haven't actually gotten completely bored with it. Like, for example, every other game and app I've ever used on there. That probably says something about me, but I'm not gonna think about that right now.
For those of you who are lucky enough to not know, it's basically a resource management spreadsheet. You have stats and counters which recharge over time. You spend your counters doing missions (I.E. clicking the do mission button) or fighting other players (I.E. trying to guess which person in the list has the least chance of kicking your ass). You gain experience and level up, earning points to increase your stats and counters. Your ultimate ability in combat is, quite naturally, decided by how many friends you have. More friends conned into installing means more abilities used. Like most "free" games online it has a 2 tier currency system. You have the low tier that you can earn in game from missions, muggings and minions. Then you have the high tier Favour Points used for all the actually useful stuff. To be fair you can earn them during play as you achieve the sort of arbitrary goals common to any games trophy system, but they're rarer than rocking horse shit. So you'll be hard pressed to earn enough to really get at the good stuff. This is, of course, fair enough. Two tier currency is fairly common in the "free" game market, almost to the point of omnipresence, and it's not implemented here with nearly the same level of obnoxiousness as I've seen elsewhere. You CAN play without playing, but those who wish to spend will obviously have the advantage. At least you can work towards saving up enough for ONE limited edition ability or stat boost or whatever.
It goes without saying of course that in terms of character names there is a distressing trend of Twilight wannabes and other related gayness. Though the other day I was attacked by someone calling themselves the Angle Of Death. A matter of death by degrees? Perhaps. Personally I plumed for the name Draculon, in the fine tradition of giant vampire monsters featured across various Ultraman shows. I was tempted to go with Daculas, who was I believe in Ultraman Jack, I felt it was a little to close to Dracu-Lass. And you can't tell me that's just a bit to D.C. Mind you, Dracu-Lad and Dracu-Lass should so be underage vampire superhero sidekicks it hurts. Possibly helping out Draculord? But I digress.
One of the main things that sets this spreadsheet apart from the others, aside from the theme, is the paper doll avatar. Customizable within limits you can buy new bits of clothing (in both currencies) and add a bit of personalisation. They even have a function where you can Judge other peoples avatars, thus confirming this games goth credentials. This is me:
Behold my glory
Tasteful I'm sure you'll agree. Personally I feel it's better than some of the other possibilities. Let's just say the Twihards are adequatly catered to, and it's gayer than a boatload of sailors rigoursly bumming the hell out of each other. And they all look EXACTLY THE SAME. Anyway, my rambling intoduction is actually about to yield some relevance for those who have been paying attention. Except for the bits about Twilight fans. Those guys couldn't be less relevant if they tried.
The thing is they've recently introduced a new feature, and it caught my attention enough to run the numbers. Makes for some quite interesting conclusions. The feature seems innocuous enough. They've introduced a bit of pseudo-crafting in the form of "The Artisans". Basically you can now get some funky/rather gauche (delete as applicable) demon wings made for your avatar. All you need is 300 units of the appropriately coloured Devil Hide. If that sounds like rather a lot it's because it is. But don't worry, because there's some stat boost attached. And if you craft all 3 you'll get a further stat boost. So that's not too bad, right? Maybe. But in order to accumulate Devil Hide in anything approaching the levels you'll need to actually get wings before you die of old age is going to prove a bit of a challenge. But we can always buy some with our favor points, right?
This is where the terror sets in. Just for fun I decided to see how much it would actually cost someone to buy a set of wings outright. That is, how much REAL MONEY they would need to achieve this:
Raaaa. Ph3ar my might. It's well goth..
So, 300 units for 1 pair of wings. And we can buy 10 units for 10 Favour. So how much does Favour cost in real terms? Allow me to demonstrate:
Favor
Actual Money
Pence Per Point
Times 300
21
£3.460
£0.165
£49.429
42
£6.920
£0.165
£49.429
85
£13.840
£0.163
£48.847
215
£34.600
£0.161
£48.279
440
£69.210
£0.157
£47.189
So based on the rate available as of writing, without doing anything to earn the relevant units other than buy them directly one set of wings will cost you from slightly under £50 to slightly less under £50.
FIFTY QUID. Five X 10 to the power of wallet. Simply to achieve....
Suddenly the difference seems somewhat less impressive
I may not know much, I'm pretty sure you can get a blowjob for less than that. I'm just saying. Factor in the cost of all 3 colours (surely the work of literally minutes in paintshop) and you're looking at close to a £150 quid, which would probably get you some sort of horrifying internet fetish sex. Or a GOOD blowjob.
Now, obviously this is all a rather extreme, worst case scenario type situation. Even those who actually pay for the pleasure of playing a spreadsheet with a timer wouldn't commonly just buy the whole lot. Maybe they'd buy SOME, and work at getting the rest from other sources. But thats no the point. Because this is the internet. And if there's one thing the internet has taught us it's not just that at least one person will. It's that at least one person ALREADY HAS.
Boba Fett. If there is one character in anything anywhere ever entirely undeserving of it's popularity and reputation, it's Boba Fett. Enduringly popular and surreptitiously masturbated over by confused fanboys everywhere, Boba Fett is as much a fixture of the Star Wars mythology as any of the actual characters, maybe even more so.
In the expanded universe of books and comics Fett has gone on to become a sort of unkillable anti hero. All powerful, near omniscient and emitting some sort of radiation that degrades everyone else nearby to the levels of a gibbering simpleton, there are few, if any, characters that can survive being in the same story with even a shred of dignity intact. It's not, however, just the fact that so much of these subsequent stories comprise atrociously written fanwank wish fulfilment that really gets to me however.
It's the fact that, judging by the original source material Boba Fett is an incompetent moron.
Boba Fett of course first appeared in the Star Wars Holiday Special. Whilst it makes a useful argument against the existence of god, I doubt you'll find many people ready to declare the holiday special canon. Personally I have a suspicion it was produced by time travelling George Lucas in a vain attempt to make the prequels look less shit. But I digress.
Canonically speaking we first see Boba Fett in The Empire Strikes Back. Darth Vader having presumably gotten some Bounty Hunters out of one of those cosmic vending machines they have in Godzilla Island.
They really have these in space Japan
And it's here at his very first appearance that the warning signs begin to appear. Since of all the various scum and villainy on display, who's the one that Darth Vader feels compelled to specifically remind NOT to fuck up?
Yeah. Fett. "No Disintegrations" Think about that for a second. Here is a man who allegedly makes his living hunting bounties. That is bringing in his targets dead or alive. Now disintegrated certainly sits up there on the dead end of the spectrum, however it doesn't exactly score very highly on the verifiable evidence end, does it? It's basically the one method guaranteed to destroy any evidence that you've actually done your job. That small pile of ash could be anybody, and I can't really see Jabba The Hutt paying out the big bucks for a cremation urn with no guarantees that the target hasn't just gone into hiding and is plotting revenge. That frankly sounds like asking for a one way ticket to the Rancors' colon.
But let's move on. After establishing that the paying client doesn't actually trust him to the job, Fett and the other bounty hunters depart on their mission. Or at least the other Bounty Hunters do. Now, to be fair, it's possible that maybe yes, Fett anticipated the whole garbage escape thing, in which case he was taking a pretty big risk betting on it. It's also entirely possible he stalled the engine and only found the Falcon through pure dumb luck. That or he was to busy crying about Vader having a go at him in front of his contemporaries. Still, there is, I suppose, an element of doubt at this stage over whether his successful pursuit was the result of actual skill or sheer uselessness. Cast in the light of every other action he performs over the course of the remaining story I think it's fairly safe to assume which side of the debate my opinion lies.
So anyway, he tails the Falcon to Cloud City and performs a daring single handed capture of Han Solo and company. Oh wait, no, that's not what happened at all, is it. He tails them to Cloud City and then calls the Empire in to do all the work for him like a sniveling little bitch. Who is it who effects the capture of the rebels? Darth motherfucking Vader that's who. Hell, even the STORMTROOPERS do a better job here. They infiltrate the city, hideout, and even manage to actually blast a main character, even if it is only C-3PO. When you're being outperformed by the fodder then you really need to re-assess your life.
Still, Fett leaves the actual work in the hands of the grown ups, and things go well. And then in the carbon freeze chamber he once more shows his impeccable good judgement by talking back to Darth "choke you like a bitch" Vader. A man famed for killing anyone who even thinks about disagreeing with him. Smart move. Quite why Vader doesn't snap him in half at this stage I'm not sure, but I have a few theories.
1 - It's nice to have someone around who makes the Stormtroopers seem competent
2 - You are so far beneath my notice I can't even be bothered to kill you
3 - I have foreseen your death, and it's fucking hilarious.
Personally, I'm going with a combination of all 3. Anyway, Shit goes down (as shit is wont to do) and the Rebels escape!! Oh Noes!! Luckily the great bounty hunter Boba Fett is there to recapture them.
Oh wait, that's not what happens is it? Having been handed his bounty without even lifting a finger himself (perhaps we should add 4 - Gives good head?) Fett does a runner. Exits stage left, scarpers post haste, chickens out, flees, "strategically" retreats, fucks off and gets the hell out of dodge. You could say "takes the money and runs", but I think maybe "takes the money and runs to the dry cleaners" might be more appropriate. So now we're basically one film appearance down and he hasn't even successfully shot at anybody yet. I'm kind of wondering at what point I'm supposed to be impressed.
Still, it's nothing compared to what is to come. You know what I'm talking about don't you? Still, we'll get to that soon enough.
So, Return Of The Jedi. Hanging around Jabba's palace, milking his new found notoriety and reward money for all the cheap booze and hookers he can get. I don't know what story he fed Jabba, but I doubt "Darth Vader did it all for me and the I ran away" featured particularly prominently. It's of course worth noting that in this time Jabba's palace was infiltrated by a certain Mr Calrissian. A man who not only has he seen before, but he's HAD DINNER WITH!
Also he's the only black man in the galaxy
But, you know, he was wearing a different hat.
And so to the money shot as it were. The crowning glory of hapless incompetence that finally seals his fate. Let's watch shall we?
Appears at 2:07, exists at 2:50. And that includes the time it took to roll all the way down.
So, just to recap: Fett rocket packs over to the skiff and pulls a pistol whilst standing next to man with a lightsaber. Said pistol is of course instantly rendered inoperable through the simple expedient of being cut in half since your opponent has a fucking lighsaber. He then attempts to tie up his opponent who is wielding a fucking lightsaber but only really succeeds in tying himself to an opponent wielding a fucking lightsaber. Nice try anyway. Shockingly however the cable is cut with a fucking lightsaber and Fett falls over. Must be all that cheap booze. And at this stage it's worth noting that Fett is promptly ignored by our fucking lightsaber wielding protagonist, having proved himself to be less threatening than everything else in the entire trilogy. Including the baby Ewoks. Judging by how wide the shot he actually get's off goes this seems like a fair assessment. Unless, you know, he was actually aiming for the sky. And then it happens. He finally pulls his gin sodden carcass to his feet, whereupon he is accidentally hit by a blind man, his fancy rocket pack goes off and he tumbles to his death in the belly of the Sarlacc. A creature so lazy it just sits there and waits for idiots to fall into it's mouth.
And I bet he thought the jetpack looked so cool. Here's a tip: if you're using a method of transportation that lurches into action at a slight impact to the rear you better be sitting on horse. Tying unstable rockets to your person in a misguided attempt to impress the ladies will only result in hideous burns AT BEST.
It's also worth noting that a little later in that sequence a nameless flunk shoots at Luke AND ACTUALLY HITS. See? That's what you do with guns. You stand back and use them at range. Like some sort of... Ranged Weapon? Especially when confronted by an opponent wielding a deadly melee weapon. Like a fucking lightsaber. So anyway, by the time the trilogy has wrapped up Stormtoopers have a higher body count, nameless flunkies have a better accuracy and the only things Boba Fett actually did was Suck and Die. It's funny when you think about it, because there's another comparable character to Boba Fett. One who only gets through his appearance by a strange combination of stupidity, incompetence and dumb luck. One who also fills the role of comic relief without ever actually being funny. You know who I'm talking about don't you?
Boba Fett is the Jar Jar Binks of the original trilogy.
Spot the difference
There, I said it. It's almost ironic that the only real difference is that one dies and everyone wishes they didn't, whereas the other didn't and everybody wishes they would. Though I suppose there is the issue of the armor to be addressed.
Because that, at the end of the day, is the crux of the matter. It doesn't matter that Fett displayed not one single iota of skill, cunning or the slightest competence at even mundane tasks. It doesn't matter that the only thing he did on screen was suck harder than a cheap Thai sexbot gone wrong. Because he looked cool whilst doing it. The armour IS Boba Fett. That's all there is to the character. He's just an empty suit that stands in the corner looking vaguely menacing, waiting for fanboys to project themselves into. Which, since he lacks any characteristics whatsoever is easy enough to do. It's the other difference between him and Jar Jar. "It is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt" as the saying goes. So whilst Jar Jars irritating incompetence is very much thrust in your face, Fetts sits in the background. And most people are to busy looking at his armour to notice. His popularity is based on looking cool rather than actually doing anything. Like some sort of reality tv "star" in space, he's popular BECAUSE he's popular. Famous for being famous. But that's what's remembered, what's noticed. Despite failing in basically every conceivable way at his job he LOOKS like he should be badass, and so is. Basically by default. You remember when Yoda said "size matters not"? Boba Fett is the very antitheses of that sentiment. He is merely a self perpetuating myth with no real basis in the facts of his original performance.
History however is written by the winners. And Boba Fett ALWAYS wins. That in itself is why I hate him. Of all the characters from Star Wars to be given an expanded backstory (I.E. everyone and everything that's ever appeared onscreen down the very grains of sand) his is easily the most at odds with what is portrayed on screen.
There was a great conspiracy throry I saw somewhere around season 3 I think it was. It stated that each new series was bringing back big bads in order from the original series. So whichever major repeating villains there were in Doctor X's run, those villains would be featured in new series X.
So Series 1 brought back the Daleks, First introduced and battled many a time by William Harnell.
Series 2 gives us the Cybermen along with bonus Daleks. Both fetured heavily in the Troughton era.
And Series 3 of course reintroduced that staple nemesis of Jon Pertwee, The Master.
Now, around this point of course we were starting to run a little dry of reccurring monsters. Whilst there are plenty of great monsters and villains in the history of Who, there's only a handful that have ever appeared with any regularity. So this left us with the predictions for series 4 of, what the Sontarans maybe? They turned up a couple of times during the Tom Baker years. That or Davros I guess.
And look what happened there. Starting to sound almost believable now isn't it? Well if we treat the specials as a sort of series 5 that would give us a big bad of the Master again, right?
OMG!! It so happened!! ETC!!!
So now we have the new series and we're up to Doctor number 6. So whats the nearest thing the Colin Baker had to a long running villain? The Valeyard? Can't be.
An then we get the ending of Amy's choice. And we're all like "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU............................................"
So where does that leave us? Next series must then logically bring back.... ummm.... the Rani? Or something? Then the Master again (but only for one episode) for the next series, and then we must be back on the Slitheen again.
