Like A Great Dark Thing Part 3: Sturm Und Drain

Right, so. Where were we? The plot?

Oh yeah, the plot was almost happening. Mysterious flowers were showing mysteriously in place where one would not normally expect such things, AMNESIA!!! was still happening, and certain characters were in need of clean underwear.

So where do we go from there? To a garden party of course! This is faux romantic faux Victorian times after all. It's what you DO in those situations. Characters trapped in these sort of narratives have garden parties the way normal breathe. You kind of have to wonder how it is they get so rich. All they do is go to balls and parties and galas and shit. Or maybe a whole chapter of 19th century banking regulations just isn't crotch tremblingly romantic enough.

Though no doubt there's someone who likes that type of thing.

So yeah, Darth Junior heads of to YET ANOTHER garden party. And of course because he's SO HANDSOME everyone goes for him. Everyone of course except the one person he's there to actually rape see. At least until later when she's, you know, lubricating in the glory of his manly presence.

Can I just ask, do women REALLY go from "I'm really not sure about this guy" to "bring me a change of underwear and a mop" THAT quickly? THAT frequently? And with complete asshole strangers? I mean, I'm a guy and thus genetically programed to fuck anything that doesn't move and chase anything that does, and I really don't know that even I'd go for this sort of behaviour after meeting someone, what? 3 times?

And I'm desperate.

But no, it's all melting and aching in pretty short order.

 See, this is melting. What you're doing is different.

At least until they're interrupted by sex grunts from the bushes. I mean, it IS a party after all. Of course that doesn't really help the situation, but luckily god is on our side, and he sends a mighty storm to preserve Binteenas precious virginity. At least for a few more chapters. However THIS IS NO ORDINARY STORM, and apparently it aggravates Juniors crazy and evil™, so he legs it rather than attempting to consummate his detective work in a secluded, if damp, location.

Just as well, wouldn't want to catch anything. Well, anything else. God only ones whats crawling around in his crotch. A thousand years of straight pimping is going to leave a mark if you know what I mean. And I mean syphilis.

Fleeing from the voices in his head (coward) for the relative safety of his throat wobbler mangrove our hero is accosted by a travelling band of Renfield wannabes. And by "accosted" I mean "he throws them off a building but they're fine because they're crazy or something? I guess?". Anyway, despite the fact that Renfield³ should be suffering from a chronic case of broken legs syndrome they caper around in their lovably crazy fashion and escort Junior off to see..... The Dark Bride (of darkness)!!! Luckily they have a dark coach (of darkness) because despite the brave face their putting on I really don't think they're up to the walk.

So the Dark Dark Renfields take the Dark Dark Coach to the Dark Dark Reservoir. And there we meet the Dark Dark Bride, and not some skeletons. Not a big skeleton, not a little skeleton, not even a dog skeleton.

The true face of fear

So here at last we meet the Dark Dark Bride Of Darkness. A powerful nasty type whose hobbies include chopping up people and throwing the bits in the river and being the voice in your head that tells you kill stuff.

Oh, and she LIKES being ordered about apparently. Call me old fashioned, but that's not really a quality I look for in malevolent mass murdering masterminds. I'd say it's time for a lengthy monologue of plot exposition, but really, what do we learn? Aside from the part about her somehow being a voice in juniors head, we don't get anything here. The Renfields are your minions? REALLY? I'd never had guessed. What's that you say, you're a bad person? Well fuck me, that's news. Hold the front page.

The only other nugget we get here really is that she, like EVERY OTHER WOMAN IN THE BOOK SO FAR, clearly fancies Junior. Only he's not evil enough yet, so she fucks off.

Yeah. Just like that. You'd think that being confronted with an evil mastermind type out hero would take some sort of action. For example ANYTHING. I mean, he allegedly sold his soul in return for the power to take down the most nastiest nasty in the history of nastiness. So does he try any of that here? Like maybe that whole paralyzing the bad guy using only your mind routine from the "climactic" battle of the previous book?

No. Of course not. He instead goes swimming in pursuit of a balloon full of ginger beer, which if I'm honest does sound like a more productive use of his time.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.... Binteena is having a restless night. I'm not sure why, she's had plenty of time to attend to herself, mop up afterwards and get the rubber pants. Maybe it's the dairy products in her bedclothes again. Anyway, she goes for a wander into some mysterious mist that's just hanging around inside the house. You know, as it does.

This looks safe...

After briefly venturing into an impenetrable bank of suspicious vapour she suddenly realizes that maybe this is not such a good idea. Most people could have suggested this before nearly getting lost in it, but hey, whatever. She's adventurous, remember? Anyway, she successfully makes it back to her room only to find that someone has ripped up all the papers that were locked safely in her bag! Because she left the key behind or something!

You know, the bag that they had previously put a mysterious flower in without needing a key to access. The bag that is, at the end of the day, A BAG, and not really quite on the same level of security that's actually scissors proof.

Not that I suppose evil burglars carry scissors. I mean, what if they had to run away?

Anyway, time waits for no man, and the light dawns upon yet another day. No doubt somebody somewhere is arranging a garden party as we speak. But, after an encounter with his officially appointed nemesis, where would we find our intrepid hero?

Why, proposing marriage of course.

That's right, you heard me. The ultimate gigolo of darkness has decided to settle down. After a courting period of..... Let's be generous and say 2, maybe 3 HOURS. Funeral, picnic, garden party, marriage. makes perfect sense. I know that there's meant to be this whole thing of women wanting to tame a bad boy, but this is really pushing it. Shouldn't they at least put SOME effort in? Or is the fantasy really to change a man by simply existing somewhere nearby?

Well, whatever. despite actually pointing out that they barely know each other, Binteena naturally agrees, and there is much rejoicing. Apart from, of course, EVERY OTHER FEMALE CHARACTER IN THE BOOK, who receive the news with stony faced disbelief and thinly veiled contempt. I can feel the Cinderella engines revving even as we speak.

So, Junior plans to get married within a few days and then bugger off on his boat while buggering his bride in pursuit of the mystic scrolls of plot device. The secret of which Binteena will no doubt reveal once confronted with the phallus of truth. But it's okay because he really does love her, and there is no way that this ludicrously rushed courtship could end in acrimonious and bitter divorce. I mean, on all past experience that hardly seems likely does it?

I hate to point it out, but this is why they invented sex before marriage.

Anyway, after becoming engaged to woman he met maybe a week ago (it might be a bit longer, there is all that AMNESIA!!! to take into account) Junior then immediately fucks off about his business. After all, special arrangements for the shotgun wedding must be carried out with all haste. Anything rather than spend any more time in the presence of the woman you are now actually marrying. On the way out of the door as fast as he can possibly go he's picked up by K9, who brings news. Firstly there's going to be an autopsy for the various bits of hooker that have washing up lately. So not so much an autopsy as a human flesh lego session. Secondly he really thinks you should buy a house.

Why? Well... Because it has a pond?

Will any of this become relevant? Will Binteena realise what an obviously terrible mistake she's making? Will the wicked stepmother sell her off for dog meat in a fit of jealous rage? Will anyone actually care?

Find out the answers to these and other thrilling questions.... Sometime. Maybe. It might even be next installment, though I wouldn't hold your breath.

I write like
Vladimir Nabokov

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Like A Great Dark Thing Part 2: I Can't Believe It's Not Buttsex

At the close of our previous installment we left our intrepid hero stumbling out of a flea ridden drinking pit, confused by a sudden flash of X-ray vision.

Is that supposed to go there?

Emerging into the night (which I'm sure is so still, having no doubt fallen darkly) he sees a suicidal whore. Which is kind of funny when you think about it. In these books there's basically two types of female characters; Whores, and Whores Who Need A Punch In The Face. Perhaps she's realized this and is trying to get out. In order to prove to the voices in his head that he's actually quite nice once you get know him, junior stops the poor girl jumping, thus condemning her to life a dismal whorenitude in a badly written series. So, you  know, enjoy. I admit he does give her his wallet, which probably seems like a great idea to anyone who'd not familiar with words like "pimp-slap".

Then he amnesias of for the next three days. So I guessed that plan worked out then.

In the meantime, would like to quote directly from the text so that you can all join me in my suffering.

"She collapsed back onto smooth sheets, buttery and delicious against her skin."

May I just say....

Not just buttery, but buttery and delicious? Has anyone, in the entire history of tortured metaphors EVER described their bedding as buttery and delicious? And meant it as a good thing? I mean, that would be like sleeping in a sandwich. It just doesn't sound pleasant AT ALL. Mashed potato can be buttery and delicious. Bedding..... No. Just no. A bed full of curdled dairy produce does not sound remotely appealing thank you. Should you ever find your sheets buttery I suggest you CHANGE THEM. Quickly, before they achieve sentience and destroy us all. Do not at any point attempt to taste them. It will not end well.

There's probably something else that happened in there, but I really can't get a grip on it. Possibly since it's so buttery. Let us then ignore our alleged heroines questionable standards of personal hygiene, and return Darth Junior, who despite all his faults is at least not coated in dairy produce. Yet. The rohypnol should have worn of by now anyway.

It's a pity really, but I'm gonna have to come up with a sarcastic name for the secretary dude. I'm disappointed by this necessity, simply because he's one of the few characters in this series that I actually like. Perhaps he just comes off better than the others by simply avoiding being in it as much as possible. But it seems like he's gonna be in this one a bit more, so I've got to call him something. I think I'll call him K9, due to both his actual name and his function in life as the metaphorical tin dog.

Plot operating at below 0 utility. Suggest evasive action.

Anyway, Darth Junior is once more awakened at sea by K9. I was only joking about the rohypnal before, but now I'm starting to wonder. You're not feeling.... sore anywhere are you? So, blah, blah AMNESIA!!! Etc.

Meanwhile, behind the facade of this innocent looking bookstore, Binteena gets mugged by a mime with a hair fetish.

You heard me.

Meanwhile, back at the boat K9 is fully supportive of the whole raping the information out of her plan. Seriously, he's well up for it as the most sensible course of action. Because apparently women will do anything if you fuck them right. The most confusing thing here of course is that this whole thing is apparently written by a woman. I don't particularly consider myself as a feminist or anything, but seriously? Is this really how it's supposed to work? Who knows? Not me, that's for sure. Guess we'll just have to wait and see, but watch out. He's starting to develop.... feelings. Must be a side effect of the whole crazy and evil™ thing. Bear in mind that there are more words in this one post than have been currently exchanged between these two, and indeed it'll probably take you longer to read this than they've spent in each others company.

I find the whole concept of human mating to be deeply confusing.

Anyway, since Junior is just SO handsome and alluring and etc and everybody loves him he gets thinly veiled fanmail from every single named female character to thus far appear in this story (with the exception of his own sister and the one he's actually stalking) and thus has a pretty good idea of where to go in order to prepare for the rapeterogation. A picnic!

Well, it's some sort of high society outdoorsy type thing. And so the seduction begins. Yay. To be honest, it's not QUITE as bad as I thought it may be. I mean yes, there is the various tortured animal euphemisms and the constant underlying LOOK AT HOW MUCH THESE TWO ARE GONNA FUCK, BECAUSE THEY ARE TOTALLY GONNA FUCK, YOU GUYS. ALL OVER THE BUTTERY LINEN. CHURN IT!!!!! but there is at least a shallow attempt at establishing some small degree of rapport beyond the whims of the plot hammer. Not by much though.
Maybe I'm just amused by another of K9's madcap schemes bearing fruit. See, it's established that the character is a big fan of the type of penny dreadful pulp literature that this book only wishes it was. Thus when he needs to enact some scheme involving mortal types he falls back on the hackneyed plots of his collection, with hilarious results. Such as the entirety of the first book. Hilarious.

Anyway, they get sent up in a balloon for a bit of "quality time". Binteena is suitably impressed by Juniors manly smell and a good time is had by all. Rampant buttsex is NOT however had by all, because if there's one thing we learnt from the last book is that this whole sexual tension bullshit will be strung out for as long as possible in order to maximise the amount suffering.

Oh, and as a side note, the old underpants in wash basket smell of "man". This is not generally considered to be particularly attractive.

So yeah, balloon ride, yadda yadda and now she's totally up for it. Because, in case you didn't get the memo, THESE TWO ARE SO GOING TO FUCK, LIKE SOME SORT OF CRAZY FUCKING THING. Then there's a picnic and Binteena gets shot by her aunt.

No, sorry, no headshots. It's an "accident". And incredibly minor. So much for drama. You remember how I said that Aunty got felt up by Junior at some point previously? And now he's all over Binteena?

Yeah, this isn't going to end well. Roll on the bitch fight. Just, please can we avoid doing it in butter? That's really not my kind of thing.

Anyway, with this thinly veiled "stay away from my man bitch" Binteena is carted off back home. Whilst there she finds someone has hidden a rose in her locked bag of paper work. This threat comes as something of a relief, as it would be nice to actually get the villain established so I can start mocking it. We KNOW who it is. It's written on the back cover. Unless of course all this supposed mystery with roses and chunks of dead body in the river is supposed to be building up to a big reveal, in which case way to go, guy who writes the blurb.

Tune in again, same bat time, same bat channel, when hopefully something interesting will actually happen.

I write like
Stephenie Meyer

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8 shocking ways that the Myrka has appeared in porn

This is the Myrka:

The Myrka appeared in the Doctor Who story Warriors Of The Deep. It was supposedly some sort of ancient electric dinosaur monster employed as terror weapon by the Silurians due to it's tremendous physical strength and electrified skin. If it so much asa touched you you would be electrocuted.

This engine of primeval destruction was realised on screen by Dobin from Rent-A-Ghost. It was not, on sober reflection, the most successful monster in the history of the program. However I personally have a bit of a soft spot for it. It's pretty, awful, but bless it, it tries.

A while back I was looking for pictures of the Myrka for one reason or another. No doubt I had some retarded idea for a piece of pointless paintshop. It's not that I had forgotten rule 34 or anything, but come one, the MYRKA? That'd be daft.

What I found however was much, much more disturbing.

See this young lady? Why would she come up in a search for old rubber monsters?

 Because that's her NAME. Somebody, somewhere decided it would be a good idea to name their child after one of the lamest Doctor Who monsters EVER. Why would you do thing like that? Did she have a really big head as a baby? What crime could deserve such a cruel and unusual punishment?

And then she compounds it all by taking her clothes off on the internet. Really, could you actually jerk off to anyone called Myrka? Because everytime you closed your eyes it would be there, in the darkness, WAITING.

It's coming for our erections!!

Even worse, could you picture what it would be like actually trying to have sex with the poor girl. Everytime things got steamy you'd think of that time Ingrid Pitt tried to karate chop it and break out in uncontrollable giggles.

But wait, there's more.

Also Starring Magma Monster and The Borad

This is what I found today when looking for pictures of the Myrka. Just a name on a list. But could anything so simple and innocuous be so loaded with dread and forbodding. It's like the ultimate rick roll. Your sat there, fapping away when suddenly...




There should have been another way.

I write like
William Gibson

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Like A Great Dark Thing Part 1: Unto The Breach

And so it begins. Here then is an account of that fateful reading. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Shockingly enough things start out quite promising. Exterior, Himalaya, night. SOMETHING is happening. Theres some intriguing business with a paranoid crazy professor who holds the mysterious twin scrolls of ultimate plot device and a mysterious THEM who are coming to get us Barbara.

All your scrolls are belong to us

Professor McCrazy tells his Daughter to leg it back to civilisation and tell everyone he's dead. Quite how she's supposed to achieve this when the whole expedition is stranded in the Himalayas and about to be attacked by giant ants is not explained as we then immediately crash into the main titles:

SO STILL THE NIGHT

A Crushing Your Sanity Production

Dun dun dunnn.... And we open onto the scene of a rather hungover Darth Junior being poked with a stick. Why is he so hungover? Who is poking him? Is it definitely just a stick? Why am I asking these stupid questions instead of just telling you? All will be revealed in the next sentence.  Because he hit his head on the plot and and now has AMNESIA, Sanchos secretary from the last book, yes, because I'm feeling melodramatic. In that order.

Seems that, in a shocking coincidence poor old Darth has been seeking the fabled scrolls of plot device after reading about them on a post it not on an ancient scroll in the last book. It may not have been actually mentioned at the time, but he totally did, so deal with it. And he was even pursuing Professor McCrazy and company. But then..... AMNESIA!!! Now it's 3 months later, oh noes. It's not all bad news though. See, there's a reason the secretary of darkness isn't trying to kill our troubled hero for being officially crazy and evil™. Seems that the portals have closed, and can't be reopened. Not even by hosting a Mortal Kombat tournament.

 Finish me

So this means that Sancho and Binto are stuck on the other side. RESULT!!! We don't have to put with either of those vapid muppets mooning over each other and surreptitiously touching themselves. In the absence of orders from on high and unburdened by the neccisity of following anyone around with a mop and a bucket the heroic secretary has taken it upon himself to kick start the plot. Someones got to do it. So we off we trot to the fake funeral of Professor McCrazy, where we once more meet the young and attractive (of course) Miss McCrazy. And her rich (of course) relatives. Ever notice how in these things everyones ALWAYS packed of to live with their rich relatives? It's alway lord and lady something or other. Never Brian the cobbler. So we get Lord something or other, his trophy wife, and a pair of vapid trophy daughters. I have no idea of any of them will be relevant in the future, and frankly I don't much care at this stage. My money is on some sort of Cinderella ugly stepsister type bullshit kicking off at some point.

So anyway, Darthy boy crashes the funeral and it's at this point that any hope I may have had for getting a story this time around comes crashing down in a series of longling glances as tingly sensations. THESE TWO ARE GOING TO FUCK. Darth intoduces himself to our young Binto in waiting AND THEY'RE SO GOING TO FUCK and tries to find out about the scrolls LIKE FUCKING WILDEBEEST. He even gives her a special present AND THERE WILL BE A MIGHTY HUMPING of a picture of her dear old dad and a mysteriously blurred out figure that so obviously not him ALL NIGHT LONG BABY at all. Now Binteena here knows full well that various dodgy parties A FRANTIC POUNDING OF LOINS WILL COMMENCE are after these scrolls, but crumbles somewhat under the force of Juniors raw sexual power. Because, you know, THEY'RE GOING TO FUCK AT SOME POINT. So she tells him that the scrolls are "with father" so he quite naturally goes graverobbing. As you do. Bear in mind that the funeral has only just finished. Like, a minute ago. He doesn't wait for the witnessess to disperese, let alone night to fall. As graverobbing strategies go it's not quite plan 9, you know?

So he shadowy shadow things his way into the crypt, but Binteenas spider sense is tingling so she heads back to the crypt as well. Since he's being a shadowy shadow thing she can't really see him, but she manages to shoot him anyway. Then everyone goes home. I mean, first they ignore the obvious signs of a break in such as the coffin nails all over the floor, but then after that they go home.

So gang, it looks like we have another mystery on our hands. The scrolls are missing, along with the dead bastard who apparently has them. I mean, he's not really dead, but thats what makes him such a bastard. And only one person knows the secret. Well, junior will find out everything, even if he has to pull the secrets out of her vagina with his bare penis. In fact, especially if he he has to do that, in accordence with the prophecies.

It is, as the saying goes, rapey time.

Personally I can't help but feel he's going about this the wrong way. Maybe you could, I dunno, TALK to the girl? But no. Getting shot has given him a funny feeling in his trouser department, and we're all invited along for the ride. Lucky us.

So, as part of his no doubt hideously convulted umpteen step plan to rummage in someones drawers he fixes it so his horse breaks down on the road, thus getting a lift with Binteena and her rich relatives. I mean, what could go wrong? ASide from the obvious fact that they could just drive straight past you without even noticing? Even assuming you did get ahead of them on the road? But whatever. Since all the rich people obviously know each other he of course gets offered a ride, and oh good he fucked the trophy wife at some point in the distant past. Yay. Of course everyone fancies him, except of course Binteena who is somewhat distrustful yet aroused and OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN.

Anyway... Junior does a bit of socia; inraciating in order to facilate the coming rapeterogation, but has to fuck off home before midnight since his crazy and evil™ is acting up a bit. Can't forget about the whole crazt and evil™ thing. So, you need to head back to your boat in order to sail out away from everyone in order to reign in your crazy and evil™, what would you say is the logical course of action?

If you answered go to the pub, congratulations. Go straight to the top of the class and jump off. Right, so at the pub he get's jumped by the countess von bitchy? Who basically just kicks him, tells him she wants someone to tell her to kill him and the fucks off. Which is..... a little odd. Why do it in the pub? Why do it all? If you want a fight, just have one. I don't know why everyones so upset about the whole crazy and evil™ thing. I mean, it's not like he's suffered any ill effects so far, right?

Well, except now when he get X-ray vision.

You wish you were this cool

Yeah, suddenly he sees everyone's skeleton for a minute. Then he goes outside and it stops. I suppose there was the whole voices thing telling him to eat prostitutes, but that's normal. Everybody gets those.

Right?

I write like
J. K. Rowling

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I Like Write

I've got a new toy.

As you'll already be aware I've started using Linkbait Generator as a basis for a bit of weekly random. But today I have discovered (I.E. saw on boingboing) a fun new tool that I intend to play with. At least until I get bored of it:

I Write Like

Put simply, this is a text analysis tool. You feed it some text, and it tells you what author your text most closely matches. The exact criteria and analytical algorithms are unknown to me, as is the list of authors and size of database it's using for comparisons to each one. It is however a laugh putting in my incoherent drivel and seeing it likened to an actual author. I'm sure that though the tool is somewhat limited currently it has the potential to grow and expand, and it will be interesting to see how it does so.

In the meantime I'm going to start running my posts through it to see what sort of results I get. Starting with this one.

I write like
Dan Brown

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Oh dear. That's not a very auspicious start is it?

It's Coming Down Part 2: Electric Boogaloo (Of Darkness)

So, before we embark on our next "literary" adventure, I thought we should take a moment to recall how exactly we got to this point. In the story that is. Quite how it is that I've decided that reading book 2 will be a good idea I'm not entirely sure. It's always possible that I was Hitler in another life, but then again it's not like I'm reading bloody twilight. So... Goebbels maybe?

Our hero then was the darkly mysterious mystery of darkness known in these parts as Sancho Mysterioso. Obviously that's his actual name in the book, but frankly it's too cliched to bother with. An ancient member of an ancient and poorly defined line of immortal something or others his job is to hunt down bad people and make them dead. His powers include being the main character and thus doing whatever the so called plot demands, no matter how ridiculous. His hobbies (outside of being darkly mysterious) include being a complete cockweasel to everyone in the vicinity (ESPECIALLY if they're trying to have sex with him), wanking furiously, being darkly mysterious, and bearing in mind his rather advanced years, raging comparative pedophilia. He wishes he was like Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker's Dracula, but as we all know..... He is Sancho.

One of these things is not like the other

The object his unbridled contempt perverse lust affection is Binto The Wonder Bint. She like to work as a nurse, scrapping the genital warts from the pox ridden whores of old London town. Her hobbies include not having any real personality to speak of, being incredibly SPECIAL and lusting after her darkly mysterious guardian (yeah, she's his WARD. Just in case you weren't feeling the pedo vibe enough already). Oh, and being treated really badly by a man but still putting out when it's convenient. In a shocking twist that nobody saw coming a mile away, alerted the guards and had shot by a sniper before it got near the gates her incredible SPECIALNESS meant she was actually INCREDIBLY SPECIAL, so rather than dying like everyone wanted she's now one of the poorly defined immortals of darkness and thus trapped in an abusive relationship (of darkness) with Sancho FOREVER. Only, rather than killing the bad guys she gets some sort of nurse powers I guess? Hard to say as the book ends rather abruptly right about there. Komugi-chan she is not.

Majikaru, majikaru naasu..

Confronting our two lovebirds and their gothic destiny was that most infamous of killers Jack The Ripper Himself. Only, since we can't bear to leave anything good Jack is actually the descendant of some ancient cult or other who may or may not be attempting to let some big bad out into the world and is only doing all this because Krakatoa told him to. Or something. After spending the whole book being built up as the invincible avatar of darkness (the BAD sort of darkness) he finally demonstrates his new found super powers by dying instantly in a single hint like some kind of bitch.

Buried in the family grave, if you take my meaning

The dark fight of darkness against the dark forces of other darkness is, luckily for you, aided by the dark twins of darkness. Of the same poorly defined stock as el Sancho, but a lot younger, we first have the Countess Von Bitchy, who goes from being some sort of resentful antagonist towards Binto to BFF's in no time at all. Frankly I find this suspicious and would like to think she's plotting something involving hundreds of snakes, but probably she just got brain damage from being near Bintos aura of being SPECIAL. Her brother is, basically, Sancho Jr. He enjoys not actually achieving anything useful ever and dressing up like an old woman. Completely failed to even look for the ripper, thus requiring some Sanchostic intervention. In order to fight Jack after he's all powered up on whore juice he elects to gain the same dark powers of darkness as Jack himself. Only instead of having to cut up hookers he just... get's them by thinking about them? So, just like that he became... sort of evil? Arise, Darth Junior. Quite what these new powers entail I dunno, as the boss fight lasts approximatly 5 nano seconds and then everybody fucks off.

It can however be inferred that he has now gained almost Sancho levels of power, as apparently he's now the main character. So I guess that's a result? However the best is yet to come. You see, his foe in the coming battles is none other than.... Jack The Rippers ex wife!!!!!

Wait, what?

I get the feeling I'm gonna be using this pic an awful lot.

And yes, I will be referring to her as Jill The Ripper. Why do you ask?

If Daleks had a love child with Satan it would look like this

You know, I thought for a moment I was gonna get to a bit of paintshop on this one. Lesser men would just draw horns on a MK3 travel machine and have done with it. But then I thought about it for a second.

We all know what Satan looks like, right?

Especially on PS2

And whilst the casing is very distinctive in this case we're clearly referring to the Dalek creature itself, and we know what those look like too:

It's basically a squid. An ANGRY squid. From space.

So when we put those together, what do we get?

Oh dear

Thats right. FUCKING CTHULHU.

This Is Why You Can't Have Nice Things

Movie night continues in the form of Mary Shellys Frankenstein.

This certainly seemed like the ideal companion piece for Bram Stokers Dracula. I suppose I've always regarded it as something of a follow up, owing primarily to the naming convention of the 2 pieces as well as they were 2 concurrent reworking of classic horror staples. Suprisingly I would appear to fairly accurate, this being produced by Francis Ford Coppola and coming a scant 2 years after Dracula. I get the impression that it was at least in part an attempt to repeat the success of that movie. Theres certainly a pressing tendancy towards comparison. I suppose the real test would be in each pieces faithfulness to the original novels, that presumably being the point of including the authors name in the title. Sadly this is an aspect I'm unable to comment on, as I've still yet to read either.

Don't act so shocked, any sophisticated literary origins in these tales has long been eclipsed by the sheer inexorable weight of popular perception. Ask anybody about Frankenstein and they're more likely to think Karloff than anything else, even if they've never seen the Karloff version. It's really very interesting.

Luckily I am able to comment on nearly everything else. I may be ill informed, unqualified, incoherent and overly subjective, but then this is an internets blog. What were you expecting?

I suppose the main question I need to ask here is, simply, why doesn't this film quiet work? It's not that this is a bad film. You look at any one particular aspect and you couldn't really point out any major faults. The story, obviously is regarded as fairly classic. The acting? This film has Ian Holm covered in blood. AND Richard Briars. I mean yeah, the various main cast are okay as well. Robert DeNiro before he completely lost it (if only just), Helena Bonham Carter doing her usual gothbait bit (I think it's something to do with her crazy hair) and Kenneth Brannagh's muscular chest. I'm not honestly convinced 18th century scientists really had personal trainers, but we'll put that one down to artistic licence. The design work is pretty much gorgeous all round, with some fantastic sets and nice costumes. There's even some good stunt work with a rather impressive full body burn.
The direction is I suppose a little variable but not abysmal by any means. The picture is also suprisingly grim, and I don't just mean in the way of the gore effects, or even the subject matter of cutting up dead people and stitching them back together. I mean the giant bag of amniotic fluid and lack of refrigeration. Let's make sure I'm crystal clear here. He had a swimming pool sized bag of festering vaginal leavings that was slowly accumulated one bucket at a time. Do you have any idea what that must have smelled like? And then 2 men wrestle naked in the aftermath. Seriously, that turns my stomach just thinking about it.
The make up effects are also pretty good, eschewing the sereotypical image form something a little more realistic. The bride version is even more disturbing.

But somehow the parts never come together to be a great whole. I'm hard pressed to point out exactly what, but there is definatly something lacking, a sense of "well, that was alright, but it should have been better".

Perhaps it's something of that nature of the story itself. The conflict is, at least to the outside viewer, so avoidable. If only everyone would just stop being dicks. You just can't help but feel if just someone would take a minute to be nice to the monster then everyone could have been happy. Dickishness breeds dickishness, fear breed fear, hatred begats hatred and pretty soon we'll end up talking like Yoda. Perhaps it's because Frankensteins change of heart after the experiment seems a little... random. Sure, I can buy that he thinks the creatures dead at first, but quite why at that point he suddenly decides the whole thing was a bad idea is less clear. As is his decision to clean up in the morning. Not really the way I'd have played things, but then hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I don't know that there's really much else to be said overall. Yeah, it's not bad, but it's not really great. The DVD is pretty bare bones. I think there's a trailer on there but that's about it. This is a shame I think, as even a bad film can be reevaluated in the light of the actual details of it's production. It would have been interesting to get some insight into the decisions behind how the film was made, and this itself may help to illuminate what it is exactly thats lacking here.

On a score of 1 to 10 I give it a C-.

It's About Sex

A while ago I mentioned that I'd somehow bought far too many (I.E. 2) films featuring a certain actor who is not exactly renowned as being very good. I also mentioned that in one case this was because I'd forgotten he was even in the film. Some may find this silly, but at the end of the day when you think about Bram Stoker's Dracula you think about Gary Oldman. It's a simple fact that his performance as Dracula overshadows pretty much everyone else in the movie, for good or for ill.

It's been more years than I'd care to estimate since I'd seen the movie, so when I decided to go old school movie shopping Dracula was basically at the top of my list. There are certain films that you simply need to own or hand in your goth licence. I'm not sure I actually have one of those anymore, but the point still stands. Mainly I wanted to get a few films from adolesence and see how they held up to my now jaded sensebilities.

It's hard to imagine, but the copyright on the credits was 1992. Just let that sink in for a second. Thats, what? 18 years now. It seems unreal when you put it like that. Does the film still hold up these days?

Why do people ask questions like that. There are things that don't have a sell by date, and cinema is one of them. This, by anyones standards (at least anyone that doesn't suck) a good film. As I said before the whole film is rooted in the unterly compelling performance of Gary Oldman, but even beyond that there's the delightfully batshit Van Helsing played Anothy Hopkins. I nearly forgot about him as well. And the Richard E Grant pops up! Seriously, when was he in it. Then of course there's Keanu. Well, bless him, he's trying. Not exactly the most lively character, but then I think he is supposed to be a bit uptight. And the accent could have been worse. Perhaps he's spent the rest of his career since Bill & Ted underacting to make up for overacting in that? I dunno, quite how anyone ever thought he was leading man material I'll never know, but honestly I can't really rip into him too much here. maybe he wasn't as bad I was expecting, maybe it was just that everything else is working so well it kind of makes up for it. It's interesting to note that you get more animation out of him in the extras than I have ever seen him emote on screen.

The extras are worth mentioning as they do add a bit of depth to the proceedings. Particularly the piece on the effects work. I admit I'd never been aware of the focus on in camera effects work that this production had, being young and naive at the time. But now being old and bitter but a tremendous fan of physical effects work this reall added a huge sense of appreciation to what was shown on screen. No green screens or digital trickery, just imaginative and creative work. And of course it looks fantastic. I'd never even twigged before that it was all shot in the studio either. There's something epically grandiose about just BUILDING all that. A lost era perhaps, but one I'm happy to revisit whenever I can.

I don't need to talk about the story, do I? You KNOW the story. Though I will say that I certainly picked up on the subtext a lot more than back when I was just in it for the cool vampires. Which is odd when you consider the sheer amount of boobies in the film. Seriously, how'd I never notice that?

This is still a really good film, but more than that it's one that you really can't believe you don't own when you finally get around to thinking about it. Which is kind of odd I suppose, because it's certainly a classic. It's possibly the only film I'm familiar that rally seems to get both the seductive and bestial natures of the vampire subject matter. Sure, Dracula can be very seductive and sexy and even romantic, but he's still SCARY. I'm sure theres a metaphor for the nature of man in there if you want to look, but I'm tired. Most importantly it's a vampire with some actual balls. Something that seems to be lacking in this day and age.