[old blog import] Reflection

So then. 1 year.

As of yesterday it's been officially 1 year since I moved into my house. So now seems like an oppurtune moment to take stock of my so called life and see how things are going.

Well, I've still got a job which lets me pay the bills, though who knows how long that'll last at the moment. I don't particularly hate it, which is good. I seem to spend most of my waking life working, and most of that stressing which is less good. It keeps me in food and shelter and Manga, so thats the main thing.
Indeed, my main source of financial difficulty is my continuing inability to not spend several hundred pounds a month on books and CDs. Since I'm trying to make sure I put some into my savings and extra into my morgage every month this starting to leave me a little short at the end of the month. It's something I really need to work on.
When I get stressed I go shopping. 20 volumes of Manga just yesterday. Seriously.

Still, onwards with lifes audit.

I apparently still have a couple of friends, which is good. I don't really see any of them that much though. Ollie & Ben maybe once every couple of weeks. Nathan once a month if that. Whilst I do try to go out and do stuff needless to say I'll be doing it alone. This does get rather depressing. I don't really expect anyone to want to be around me at all, and I'm I certainly grateful when they take the time to do so.

As I said I try to go out. If there's something happening that interests me then I'll try and check it out. Assuming I'm not on call. Stuff does have a tendancy to happen in very expensive, tiring clusters however. But I'm trying to do things I wouldn't normally do. I mean, I've been to Japan for 2 weeks with a group of total strangers. I've been bungee jumping and to the opera. I've gone up to london just to see a film. Hell, I even signed up to a dating site and started playing the lottery.

Nothing really helps, but you can't say I'm not making an effort.

At the end of the day, despite all this I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time being depressed. Perhaps I'm not quite as suicidal as I was, and I seem to think about shooting myself in the head on a less frequent basis, but still. Somethings missing. I'm stuck where I am, and just don't seem to be going anywhere. But where do I need to go in life?

If I had an answer to that I could work out how to get there. Thats the thing about isolation, theres no additional input aside from yourself. It's the Star Wars Paradox. You plus a group of like minded individuals, doing your thing in the reeal world and dealing with it's challenges and you get A New Hope. You on your own in your own little world and you get The Phantom Menace.