Thursday 19 August 2010

Get A Robo

I would love to say that the reason I decided to get Machinarium was that after my experience playing the golden cuntass I wanted to a truly great game to play. However the real reason is sadly far more prosaic: It was on sale.

I'd heard about it a while ago of course, and played the demo and liked it, but never actually gotten around to buying it. Then I found out you could buy it for a mere $5 for a limited time only. And that limited time only expired the day I found out. So it wasn't so much a decision as a mad scramble to grab it as quickly as possible. If you didn't buy it in the last week or so you missed out. Sorry about that.

How to describe it? Well, obviously it's a point and click adventure game from an independant studio, but that only takes us so far. I think one word I've seen used a bit is "whimsical". The art style and presentation does I suppose fall into this category. The whole thing being hand drawn in a style reminiscent of an old childrens book. It all looks quite lovely and just goes to show how irrelevent the latest generation of hyper advanced graphics really are. The whole thing runs in FLASH for fucks sake. The storyline and events follow this storybook feel as well, and the whole thing does have a lovely timeless quality to it. A nice touch is the total lack of text or speech, with everything being expressed via though bubble images and animations. Literally anyone from anywhere could pick this up and get on with playing with no fuss. Both family and forigner friendly, you don't see that everyday.

Gameplay what we have of course is a series of puzzles of various difficulty. Judging these sort of things is always tricky, as you'll always spend ages stuck on at least one thing that, after you actually work it out, seems pretty obvious. However the game comes with a hint and help system, so getting really stuck shouldn't be a major problem. There's a couple of mini games strewn about to keep things varied, including space invaders. Yes, actual space invaders. Pure class.

My only real problem with the game is the length. It's not nearly as long as I'd like. This is I suppose a testament to how much I was enjoying the game. I'd just really gotten into playing it and found myself at the end. Obviously I'm not going to complain about much considering how little the game cost me, but I can't help but wonder if I'd feel more dissapointed at the end had I paid full price. really it's hard to say. This is a top quality game, and it's obvious a fair amount of effort has gone into it. Maybe I'm just being greedy.

One thing that I did particularly feel when playing though was that this is a game that NEEDS to be on the Wii. It's pretty much perfect for a Wiiware port. Obviously the Wii is a great system for this style of point of click game, and whilst I did say that the game felt a little short this wouldn't be a bad thing for a Wiiware game. However it was in the arcade section that this really struck me. There's a bit where you have to power up the machines using a pedal powered generator by circling the mouse. This is the sort of thing that would convert well to the Wiis motion controls. Theres one or two other waggly bits in there as well that really make me wonder just why it is nobody seems to have thought about porting this. It's a crime.

Saturday 14 August 2010

Halfway to Hell

So, I've been playing The Golden Compass for about 6 hours now. I think I'm about halfway through. I also think I've got a good handle on the game by now. In all honesty I think I can describe the experience using two words. On the one hand one of these words is "good". On the other hand the preceding word is "not".

Before I briefly touched on the reasons why movie adaptations are usually pretty poor. This game demonstrates pretty much everything I said. Oh, where to begin?

Firstly I suppose I should correct one of my initial suppositions. I thought this would be doubly bad as it was the game of the film of the book. But I neglected to properly take into account the fact that I was playing on the Wii. Obviously I don't consider the Wii a bad console or I wouldn't own one, but it has become clear to me that cross platform releases invariably suffer on the system as they sloppily ported across with a bit of token waggle instead of the occasional button press rather than actually being developed for the system itself. So what we actually have here is the port of the game of the film of the book. By all rights there is no way anyone could play something with that many iterative qualifications and not kill themselves.

The fact that I haven't yet is testament to the fact that at least SOMEONE was trying to make a half decent game. That or modern life really has numbed me to all but the most shocking atrocities.

The most obvious thing about the game is how unfinished it feels. The opening prelude feels tacked on, basically being there to demonstrate that you will get to be a bear an punch things in the face. Then you're back to the actual start of the story and everything non bear related that you were introduced to gets introduced again. Things proceed well enough to start with, but you quickly realize that there's a lot of stuff that's been cut out in order to get the thing finished in time. The first and most noticeable of these being the camera controls. When you're running around in a platforming / exploration type game mode it would be REALLY helpful to actually see around you and where you're actually meant to be going. Although for all the exploration touted on the box the levels are rather small or linear. The next thing they left out was any chance of actually following the plot. Since big chunks of it are missing, presumed absent. Instead we get some VERY brief clips from the movie and the implicit assumption that we know whats supposed to be happening so we don't actually need to be told. The levels do a good enough job of presenting certain parts of the story, however they are so poorly linked together that it you really can't help but wonder if there wasn't supposed to be something else in between. I'll give them points for actually using some movie clips instead of cut scenes, but sadly their not actually enough to impart the story to any coherent degree. Had you no prior knowledge of the story I can't see you following whats meant to be going on with massive ease.

Gameplay wise there is actually some hint of promise. As I said before you've got a bit of exploration and jumping when you're playing as Lyra. They way they use her Daemon and his shape changing ability is actually pretty good. Each mode essentially giving you a different ability to assist you in getting around. However I do have to say that the whole unfinished vibe is still fully in effect, with plenty of places that possess invisible force fields preventing access rather than more sensible level design. Really, if you don't want me to jump over that fence couldn't you just MAKE IT TALLER or something? Bit of barbed wire on the top maybe?

No. No, that would be far to obvious.

Other than this you have to navigate various conversations via the medium of mini games. On paper I'm sure this sounds like a good idea. You compete in these various little games and your success (or lack thereof) affect the dialogue outcome. And it's not an entirely bad idea. It does however get a bit old a bit quick. Whilst they do introduce new minigames as the levels progress this really just means you end up hoping for the or two you're actually good at to come up. Needless to say some are better than others. When confronted with a dangerous situation we get an evasion event, wherein you have to keep dodging the enemy until they concuss themselves to death. This could be interesting but is basically just a quicktime event and therefore not really worth talking about.

One actually interesting thing is the implementation of the titular Golden Compass itself. Even though it never gets called that. But never mind. You do get to use the Aletheometer. As you progress you unlock meanings for the various symbols. You also get questions, each requiring 3 keywords. Should you already have that keyword unlocked then all well and good. Should you not then you need to guess which symbol to set the Aletheometer to. You don't really need all 3, as the divination minigame is doable with only 2, but the more you have the easier it is. This of course does add to the whole exploration aspect, as you can go looking for hidden meanings. However it's not like there's any way of knowing if you've missed any, and no backtracking once a level is complete. This isn't anything you can't overcome with a little intuitive guesswork, but the fact that when you do guess a symbols meaning it isn't added to your list is a rather glaring oversight.

Graphic are not usually something I bother with getting all niggly over, and I fully realize that the Wii isn't a ultrashiny fountain of tedious blingmapping. However this REALLY doesn't look very good. The Wii is capable of doing a LOT better than whats on display here. Maybe it's the result of rushed and dodgy port. Let's just say that things aren't exactly optimised. Seriously, I haven't textures as low res as some of these since I last played Doom. And at least there everything was consistent.

Thus far then we have a fairly rough, obviously unfinished game. Whilst it does feature some good ideas they aren't implemented successfully enough to make up for all the other problems. It's an interesting attempt at non violent gameplay, just not as successful as another 6 months of development time and a bit of polishing would have given us. And of course any pacifistic qualities are soon going to be undercut quite painfully by a very large and angry armour plated bear.

Whether or not the remaining half of the game will actually give me anything new to say remains to be seen.

This Is How Wii Do It

There are certain rules that should always be followed with console gaming. Never buy a system in the first year of its release, wait a month after a game is released and the price may become reasonable, maybe those really cheap games are on sale for a reason, you will probably regret buying that ultimate collectors edition version and only buy a current gen FPS if you really like the colours brown or grey.

However there may be exceptions to these rules. It is, after all at least technically possible that a console might come out with more than one game that's actually worth buying. I'm not saying it's likely, but it is TECHNICALLY possible. Occasionally a game might come out that you like the look of enough to buy straightaway at full price, there are occasional gems in the shovelware pile.

However there is one rule that is basically universal, across all times and systems. One that everybody knows and still breaks anyway:

NEVER buy a movie tie in.

Just as movies of games tend to lack a certain something (such as plot, talent or a single good reason for existing) games of movies tend to be poor affairs. Rushed out in order to tie in with release dates and quickly relegated to the bargain bin. Bought buy unwitting parents for soon to be disappointed children and quickly traded in for a few pence of Generic Shooter 5. It's simply a question of forced adaption syndrome. Some media simply does not translate well into other media. If the process is to work even slightly it takes time and care. Just look at the string of broken novels and franchises Hollywood has left behind over the years. They can't even make a decent film based on a film.

So I decided to completely ignore the cardinal rule of gaming and have bought myself The Golden Compass on the Wii.

Why? Well, partly so I can really see how the rule holds up with first hand experience and write about it. Partly because I had recently read the book (though I was hardcore enough to read a copy with the original title at least), and thus it would be interesting to see how the story was filtered double filtered through it's various adaptations. I mean, this is the game of the film of the book. If anything has a right to be hilariously bad it's this. Mostly however it's because it was cheap. I was shopping for games, it was there and only five pounds. The elements of destiny collided and now here I am, set to embark on my epic quest.

Let's see how this turns out, shall we?

Thursday 12 August 2010

5 insane but true things about small green pieces of paper


  1. Although widely considered by many to be quite happy, small green pieces of paper suffer from levels of existenial angst the likes of which your average depressed teenager can only dream.

  2. The frequent movements of small green pieces of paper are due to several outstanding arrest warrants and the continuing pursuit of the FBI, rather than any genuine desire to see the world.

  3. Small green pieces of paper are only able to achieve full sexual arousal in the hands of a dedicated and experienced origami master.

  4. Some small green pieces of paper live in constant of fear of large white pieces of paper, which they claim originate from the planet Mars.

  5. Despite what many people believe there are in fact no vegetarian small green pieces of paper.

Wednesday 11 August 2010

With A Heavy Sigh

As nights out go, tonight held some rather unusual suprises. Most notably that for once the Underworld actually opened it's doors ON TIME. Or at least as within a few minutes of 7PM. This is, I think, a first in all the years I've been going to gigs there and as such is a cause for celebration.

Of course, once we got in we find that the merch stall doesnh't actually have any Sigh CD's. I personally find this particular oversight a little odd. How many concerts have you ever been to where the headline band didn't have any of their own stuff on sale? I mean, sure they had a T shirt with the logo on, but I was already wearing one of those. Only mine was older and therefore more necro. This was all rather annoying as I had yet to pick up their latest CD or the reissue of the first album and was thus assuming I could pick them up here. Still, I guess thats why god invented amazon.

The next shock came in the form of a bearded A-San, who I hadn't seen in years. Still, there were 2 bands I'd never heard of playing as well, and if there's one thing he specializes in it's bands you've never heard of..

First up were Wodensthrone, who played a rather good sort of Drudkhy style of black metal, which I rather enjoyed. However they didn't play it for vey long, having a startlingly short set of about 3 songs or so. I know this type of thing can wibble on a bit, but still, wasn't expecting things to be so... perfunctory. Next up were Winterfylleth, who were sort of similar only different. Now, I can't fault them on any paart of their performance. They were technically competent, played good tunes and were generally very metal. However I will say that I now know why we have corpsepaint. Put simply, when one is being very metal one is likely to undergo certain facial contortions. The corpsepaint helps to make such displays appear more metal than may otherwise be the case. Seriously, for all the blistering black metal being played, dis they all have to look so ORDINARY? Seriously, the bass player reminded me of Rory from the last series of Doctor Who.

Pictured: Not Metal

Anyway, enough of my petty complaints. Let us move onto the headliners so I can get in some REAL complaints. Now, I've been into Sigh for years. Lots of years as it turns out. They were one of the first Black Metal bands I ever really got into. So when I found out they were payaing I was naturally quite enthused at the prospect of finally seeing them live. If I'd known then what I know now I would have hunted down and killed the sound guy before he had a chance to perpetrate his evil crimes.

Here's a quick tip to all you budding sound engineers out there: If someone on stage is playing an instrument you might want to make it so that the instrument can be HEARD.

Maybe it's just where I was standing, but the keyboards were barely audible at best. I think there may have been a backing tape for some elements, but that may have just been my imagination filling stuff in. And the saxaphone was silent the entire time. This was rather annoying as it's kind of hard to judge what the addition of a saxaphonist adds to the procedings actually adds when you can't hear the damn thing. Yes, she's very attractive and not very clothed (and thus marketable) but I can get ladies on the internet wearing far less should I feel the need. I'm here for the MUSIC. I will say that although I was initially a little suprised she took on a fair amount of the vocal duties she handled them very well. And when you think about it it does make sense to have two singers handling things. Some of their stuff does have a level of overlap no one person could reproduce live. Indeed, a lot of the later stuff is fairly complex musically as well, and would be hard to do live at the best of times. That half the elements couldn't be heard here did not help matters. However they did play quite a bit of old stuff as well, and that worked perhaps a little better.

It's frustrating that the sound was so crap as otherwise this could have been a really great gig. Still, they did seem to make the most of it, coming out for an encore in the form of Venoms Black Metal. And let's face it, you don't need great sound quality for that sort of thing.

Overall a fun little excursion, but sadly flawed by the lack of any decent sound mix.

Monday 9 August 2010

#tweetsfromhell

As you may or not be aware (and almost certainly don't care) I now have Twitter. I'm not really sure why.
Perhaps it's all in the name of shameless self promotion. Perhaps I just need a forum for short form random statements. It is, after all, a glorified central status update.

Anyway, I have decided in my infinite wisdom boredom to designate this TWEETS FROM HELL week. This basically means I will be attempting to come up with the worst, most unnecessary and completely inappropriate tweets I possibly can. Stuff that nobody has any business telling the world. And that no one, even on the internet would ever actually want to read.

The real trick of course will be in avoiding making most of them about my penis.

So anyway, be warned.

Wednesday 4 August 2010

Spoilers Of War(craft)

So, I saw somewhere something about there being a world of warcraft movie. I bet it's well good.

So, since I'm quite sure no one else on the internet has thought of this joke yet, I present a script extract, which is definitely real and not just the overwrought product of my own personal biases. Should I have the time and inclination I may reveal more scenes another time..

Scene 1: Prologue

Exterior, Dawn. The sun rises majestically over the fields of AZEROTH. In the distance, haloed by the rising sun we see a silhouetted figure, running towards the camera.

Over the next hour or so the figure runs towards the camera, eventually coming close enough that we recognize the mighty hero DEATHKILL AXESLAY69. A mighty human warrior. He is played by some generic noname hollywood prettyboy. He looks fucking knackered, having just run 5 miles to get the tiny hamlet now revealed as the camera pans around.

A few people stand aimlessly outside their houses. Nobody moves. AT ALL.

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 looks straight into the camera

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: (out of breath) "It's...."

Cue the dramatic titles. There is no doubt lots of fire and swooping over dramatically rendered words.

Scene 2: Scene 1

exterior, day. DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 stands in the middle of the VILLAGE, bent over, hands on knees, wheezing like an asthmatic phone pervert trying to get his breath back. No one moves to help him, or even talk to him. However the VILLAGE ELDER keeps looking meaningfully in his direction.

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 goes over to the MERCHANT. The MERCHANT has a table with various weapons and pieces of armour on. They are all slightly better than what DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 currently has. He picks up a SLIGHTLY LESS RUSTY SWORD and compares it to the RUSTY SWORD he currently carries.

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: (overacting) "Why, this blade is clearly marginally less crap! My good sir, how much to purchase this fine weapon?"

MERCHANT: "Five hundred gold pieces"

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "oh"

He pulls out his purse and empties out into his hand. There are 3 silver coins.

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "oh"

He puts the sword back down, turns around, and slowly walks off like a sulking child.

The VILLAGE ELDER is still obviously trying to catch DEATHKILL AXESLAY69s attention.

Eventually DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 wanders over to the VILLAGE ELDER. As soon as he comes within a few feet the VILLAGE ELDER suddenly begins talking, even though up to now he hasn't made a fucking sound.

VILLAGE ELDER: "Oh, Deathkill Axeslay69, thank the gods you're here. Our village is beset by a terrible plague, and only you can help us!"

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "I'm not actually a Doctor you know"

VILLAGE ELDER: "We..."

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: (like this is a Major Revelation) "I'm a WARRIOR!"

VILLAGE ELDER: "We.."

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "I hit things with my sword"

VILLAGE ELDER "We..."

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "That's why they call me DEATHKILL AXESLAY69!"

VILLAGE ELDER: "What? Why? How....? Never mind. The point is we need you to help us gather the ingredients we need to make a potion that will cure the sick"

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "Right. But why don't you guys just go get the ingredients?"

VILLAGE ELDER: "We're... Uh... Very busy."

There is a moment of uncomfortable silence. As ever the villagers simply stand unmoving outside their huts. A bird cries, some tumbleweed blows past.

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "Oh. Okay. Doing what?"

VILLAGE ELDER: "Errrm... Taking care of the sick?"

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "Everyone looks healthy"

VILLAGE ELDER: "Oh the sick people are in the huts."

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "But everybody's outside. How do you take care of the sick people?"

VILLAGE ELDER: "Oh, we can't go in the huts, we might get sick too. They're in quarantine. Yeah, that's it."

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "Oh. Okay. That sounds plausible I guess"

VILLAGE ELDER: "So you see why we can't go get the ingredients ourselves?"

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "Yeah. Okay, what's this potion made of then?"

VILLAGE ELDER: "Wolves."

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "Come again?"

VILLAGE ELDER: "Wolves. You know, the ravening bloodthirsty predators that aimlessly mill about the moors when they're not devouring hapless adventurers?"

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 stares at the VILLAGE ELDER with a slightly troubled expression.

VILLAGE ELDER: "Don't worry, it's not like we need a whole one. Just the feet."

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "The feet?"

VILLAGE ELDER: "Yeah. That's only a little bit of wolf, so logically it can't be as dangerous as hunting a whole one."

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: (still worried) "Okay....."

VILLAGE ELDER: "Good man. Now off you trot and get us fifteen wolf paws"

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "FIFTEEN! But... That's.... Like.... THREE whole wolves!!"

VILLAGE ELDER: "And we'll give you some gold as a reward"

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69s eyes light up with dollar signs and there is an audible KA-CHING noise. He instantly turns and runs off in to the distance at top speed.

Scene 3: The moors. Or possible the woods. Moors with trees? I dunno.

Exterior, day. DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 is sneaking through the undergrowth. Up ahead we see a WOLF. It is a large terrifying creature with feral red eyes and slathering jaws. It is also fairly crappy CGI.

Carefully DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 sneaks towards his prey. He slowly draws his sword and gets ready to pounce the lone WOLF.

The camera pans out and we see that DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 is suddenly surrounded by about six extra wolves.

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "ummm..."

The wolves attack. There is a fast and dramatic battle as DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 struggles against the wolves. Lots of rapid jump cuts fail to disguise the fact that he's just spazzing out in front of a greenscreen. This goes on for 10 or fifteen minutes until eventually the last WOLF lies dead.
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 stands over a pile of mangled dog meat, covered in bite marks, cuts, wounds, blood and bits of entrails.

For some reason there is a bottle of red liquid on the ground, as well as a large staff and a small pile of coins.

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: (overacting) "Victory is mine! Now to collect the precious wolf paws and save the village! That ambush was tough, but now I'll have more than enough paws to save...."

His monologue peters off as he looks down on the corpses to see that all the wolves have 4 peg legs. Maybe one even has an eye patch.

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "WHAT THE F....?!?!"

Madly he scrabbles through the bodies looking for a non prosthetic limb. There are none. However one wolf (the one with the eye patch) has a pouch round it's neck containing a single perfectly preserved wolf paw.

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.............."

Suddenly 7 WOLVES appear around him.

DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU............"

The WOLVES attack.

Tuesday 3 August 2010

Like A Great Dark Thing Part 7: Final Thoughts


Seriously. This is how I feel after finishing this book. Somehow this one picture sums it up perfectly. Something about the look of confused resignation on his face I think.

It wasn't always that way of course. To start with I even almost enjoyed it. There was a sense that the writing had actually improved somewhat. Maybe this won't be as bad I thought to myself. The characters almost seem to have a character this time around. I mean, yeah, the two leads were eyeing each other up like a pair of hungry burgers in heat, but there was at least a hint of something beyond the GOTHIC DESTINY we had to put up with last ime.

 om nom nom

You know, that maybe these two characters could find each other attractive for reasons beyond being bludgeoned with the plot hammer.

This was going to be the best christmas walfords ever had, nothing could possibly go wrong. Have you met my friend the Titanic?


Yeah, that didn't last very long. Now I hate everything even more than I usually do. So where did it all go wrong? Well there are two major issues that immediatly spring to mind.

Firstly of course there is the subtle message about sexual politics and the roles and characteristics of the various genders therein. All men ONLY want sex. Any emotions they feel are made up afterwards as a form of rationalisation or mental justification of their crotch lead urges. However once the man has gotten around to convincing himself he feels these emotions they are a useful tool for a woman to manipulate in her twisted quest for power. Because for the woman it all comes down to what she can gain. She may desire to use a man for sex. She may desire to use for social advancement or financial gain.Or she may merely desire to mess with a mans head and feed on his delicious suffering. But she well never actually FEEL anything. Any emotions she experiences (if she actually does at all) are purely designed to further her own inscrutable goals.

Seriously Binteenas wildly oscillating mood swings come of less as a state of emotional confusion and more like a switch flipping sociopath. "I don't know" is a statement of confusion "yesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesno shiney! yes" is a sign of schizophrenia or some other crippling mental imbalance. The sort of emotional A.D.D. that must be kept away from sharp objects.

Then of course theres the rapey parts. Now, I may have slightly overstated the case in the interests of comedy (because nothing says fun times like rape) but really not by much. Call me old fashioned, but when a lady says no thank you you don't then bend her over a sofa and forcefully chuck one up her. Wether or not she secretly wants it is fairly irrelevent. That shit will not stand in a court of law. Maybe thats why I'm still single, desperatly lonely and NOT IN PRISON. Is this really how the world is supposed to work.

Suprise and fear

Thirdly there is the fact that, on sober reflection this is bsically THE SAME BOOK as last time. Check it:

A dark and incredibly handsome immortal shadow guy meets some amazingly attractive mortal woman and they are destined to GET IT ON. Meanwhile a crazed killer stalks the streets of London but noone seems bothered enough to actually do anything about it. Almost the whole book is spent pissing around alternatly hating and loving each other before the lead couple finally get it on. The hero makes an important discovery entirely at random whilst just wandering around, and the final battle takes place somewhere high up with a scenic view of London. The main villain who has been built up over the course of the whole book as the most evil and powerful thing since sliced bread dies like a bitch in less time than it takes to say dies like a bitch. Then theres a bit of random confusing bullshit before the book abruptly ends.

Sound familiar?

The fourth problem (and nice red uniforms) is simply that the whole thing is so incredibly badly written. Literally nothing makes any sense. We spend the whole book pursuing one particular macguffin, only to turn around and discard it at the last minute. The immortal guys are supposed to have finely tuned bad guy detecting powers, yet spend half the book hanging out with the family of evil and never realise. And the crazy and evil™ thing? It's not that the crazy and evil™ wasn't done with any subtlty. It's that it wasn't done AT ALL. For all the posturing and dire warnings and constant proclamations of impending doom Junior suffers what side effects exactly? NONE. The occasional bout of AMNESIA!! is finally revealed to be the work of happy bunnies or something, thus leaving him with the occasional headache. This makes Revenge Of The Sith look positively Shakespearean. It's quite possible to portray a character turning to evil. It just takes time and careful writing.

Neither of which we have on offer here. The plot, such as it is, is rushed through in story at an alarming rate. Just look at that whole wedding buisness. Somehow it seems to me that it might take a bit longer than a week to find the love of your life. Of course Juniors eventual mortalness is heavily signposted along the way, notably in Binteenas wild mood swings. I mean, they had the bint get made immortal last time, so this time of course the guy had get made mortal for the happily ever after. It was inevitable.

There's never any real sense of any threat. The bad guys show up, fuck off, fuck back on and then die. Achieving nothing. The pacing is all over the place, with the now familar "nothing happens for most of the book and then theres random bullshit out of nowhere and then it ends" structure in effect.

The whole thing isn't just a mess. It's a painful mess. Again there is the sense that maybe there's a salvageble storyline in there somewhere, but really it would be like looking for diamonds in a sewage farm. They may well be there, but you're gonna have to swim through an awful lot of shit to get at them. And you may never get the smell out, no matter how much you polish.

In final summation then: I've done some dumb, painful and self destructive things in my time. Reading this was undoubtedly one of them. The fact that are people out there who read this sort of thing for fun fills me with horror, and I thank fuck that the third book isn't out yet.

Because of course there's a third book. But I am not going anywhere near it without a long holiday. And possibly a hazmat suit.



I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Monday 2 August 2010

Like A Great Dark Thing Part 6: Guest Starring Your Worst Nightmares

We left our last installment filled with confusion, disgust and rage. All the rape, head games and manipulation had, it has to be said, simply done my head in.

The complete lack of logic, coherency or plot did not help matters in the slightest.

So, where the hell are we exactly? Junior and Binteena have entered into a marriage based solely on lust and abuse. Aside from destroying any lingering desire to see another human I may have had left this union is somehow supposed to aid in the recovery of the sacred scrolls of plot device, currently held by Binteena's father Professor McCrazy. Who is conveniently in London in order to save money on set design or location shooting. Junior is in desperate (though apparently not very desperate) need of the scrolls as we are assured that they hold the secret to curing his crazy and evil™, though quite how anyone can be sure of this having never actually seen them we're not sure. Whilst sexually assaulting his wife Junior finds a copy of one of the scrolls written on her underwear, and it turns out to be the instructions for a mirror.

Got all that?

Now, we rejoin the story just as the happy* couple receive an invitation to ascot from the prince of wales.
*may not contain actual happiness

You know, as you do.

Anyway, this is of course a cause for celebration and shopping. As are many things when you find yourself trapped in an abusive relationship I'm sure. Take your joy where you can and spend the bastards money. Binteena invites her cousins over who are currently distraught over the death of their wicked stepmother. So distraught they buzz about like ravers at a pill tasting party and go dress shopping.

Did they have coke in the 1800s?

This is exactly as exciting as it sounds, and outside a bit of bonus supernatural frottage in the changing rooms nothing much happens. The best part being that when nothing is happening it means nothing FUCKING CRAZY is happening. Consider this the calm before the storm.

Anyway, time marches on and we get to chat with royalty. Brace yourself.

pR1nc33d: UR liek, imm0rotall yah?!?!?
darkestjunior666: errm... yeah.
pR1nc33d: kewel. UR wyf3 iz hawt.
darkestjunior666: ummm.... yeah.
pR1nc33d: I can has affair???1/1
darkestjunior666: no
Wasn't that exciting?

And thus we leave the royal ascot for the charming building site of Juniors new home. Upon arriving Junior storms off in a crazy and evil™ hissy fit. This leaves Binteena alone with the boxes of stuff that Junior has bought her. Thus bribed with material possessions she decides that maybe she really does like him after all. Who doesn't love boxes of stuff? Oh, and snakes.

Everybody loves snakes

No, the snakes didn't come free when you buy 3 boxes of pretty dresses and other feminine accouterments. That offer expired last week. No, it means Bitchy has dropped by for her crack at breaking up the marriage. However logic and reason are no match for the display of material wealth on offer here. So Bitchy is forced do depart, but leaves a grave warning. The portals opened long enough for the assassination orders to come through. Let's hope that's all that came through.

Anyway, with her love rekindled by a healthy bank balance Binteena storms of into the night in search of her one true love and his wallet.

Now do we remember why Junior bought this entire street and then bought in magic workmen capable of renovating an entire ruined house in a couple of days? That's right. Because he liked the pond. And do you know what made the pond so special?

No. You don't. It hasn't been mentioned yet. Well brace yourself for the big reveal. You see there's something special living in the pond.....

if only....

A magical fish lady with a secret fort. Yeah. So, whilst Binteena is by the pond lamenting the loss of her one true meal ticket the fish bitch grabs her, bites her on the nose, and takes to the secret underground lair. Why the nose biting is relevant I'm not sure. But then I've been reading this bloody book for a while now. I'm not sure of anything anymore. It's like being on drugs, but with none of the positive effects.

Anyway, Junior's all like "WTF?" And Binteena's all like "you're rich, we fuck now!!". And then they do.

Skipping over the carnal details we arrive once again at the dawn. What new terrors await us? Each new day only brings more pain and madness. With each new day I die a little more. So what treats do we have in store today?

Clambering out from the pond we are greeted by K9, who informs us that company has arrived. as every single character is Star Wars says, I have a bad feeling about this.

Junior goes of to the study to greet his guest (ohpleasegodnodontletitbehim) whilst Binteena is left hanging around, sadly not by a noose. And then Binto walks in with a cup of tea.



Binto. I all her vapid SPECIALNESS. Which can only mean one thing. For where Binto goes SANCHO himself is bound to follow.


Enter Sancho, stage right.



Thank you and goodnight.

Oh wait, there's more? Please no. You're not actually going to make me sit through this are you?

Oh. You are. Well fuck you too.

Deep breath: Sancho and BintoMcCrazy is actually an unwitting pawn who is leading the dark forces of darkness to the mirror which is actually in London by the way isn't that convenient so anyway we've got all the bunnies to think happy thoughts really hard for twenty four hours so you'll be free of the baleful influence of the crazy and evil™ for that time so everybody hug and then go find the bad guys or something because you've got to stop them getting that mirror thing even though nobody has actually explained what it's supposed to do and you don't have a clue where to look for the Professor or the mirror or the bad guys but we've given you an arbitrary time limit so you'd better get on with it good luck.

We control the horizontal. We control the vertical.

Everybody got that? Does it even matter?

Dramatic cut to later that night. 13 hours have elapsed, and still no sign of anything. The bunnies are getting tired. Times running out, yet there is no clue to go on and all avenues of inquiry have been exhausted. However will we find the Professor now?

Oh look, there he is.


FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE EAR WITH SPIKES AND ACID AND SOME FORM OF FLESH EATING CREATURE.

Yeah. just like that Junior finds him as if by magic. I laugh in the face of statistical probability and piss on the very concept of reason. So yeah, the Prof is just hanging out, being attacked by Renfields and trying to retrieve the mystic mirror from it's hidden hiding place. In swoops Junior to the rescue, and he's all like "oh hai I'm an immortal and boning your daughter that cool?" and the Proff's like "...kay".

And it's around this point that Binteena gets herself kidnapped. It's like she's laughing at the very idea of positive female role models.

So anyway, Juniors spider sense starts tingling and he leaves. LEAVES. The Professor is right there. He is about to retrieve the ultimate MacGuffin of ultimate destiny, but the enemy KNOWS WHERE HE IS. Reinforcements are available but yet to arrive, though it won't be long. What is the single most RETARDED course of action you could possibly take in these circumstances? Is it something along the lines of "leaving the prof and the MacGuffin to get captured whilst you bound of into the night to find your bint kidnapped which you knew anyway only now you've lost every single possible advantage you could possibly have had"?

Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK. All he had to do was wait 5 minutes for Sancho to show up before bounding of futilely into the night. The you'd have had everything except the gold digging harlot you're boning. And if you wanted her back that badly you could have just fashioned the mirror into a powerful laser and destroyed your enemies with beams of ultimate DEATH.

I bet you could do this if you really tried

But no. Far better to just fuck off and let everything go to shit. Well, whatever.

Back at casa del retard everything's covered in blood. Poor old K9s had his head cut off. But it's okay, since Binto can just sew it back on. And look, they've left a note.

Dear Dumbass
Please come to Big Ben at midnight so we can get married.
Love, the Dark Dark Bride of Dark Dark Darkness


P.S. NOT a trap.
Sadly Big Ben is a solo mission, as the bad people have some sort of anti everyone who's not Junior force field in operation. So Sancho goes off to find a hot air balloon, which all things considered is actually an almost sensible plan. Meanwhile Junior enters by his lonesome. He's not alone very long though as the whole place is swarming with Renfields. Anyway, he climbs up to the top of the tower for the big reveal.

Get this, Lord something or other, Binteenas rich relative and good chum of Junior himself, is actually an evil cultist of evil!! Along with some other guys who we've never seen before!!

So much for your vaunted powers of detecting evil.

But wait, it gets better! You see the Dark bride is..... BOTH of the cousins. They combine like some sort dark Voltron of evil.

Only, you know... EVIL and stuff

Right, so.... The dark sisters combine to their ultimate form and kill Dark lord something or other just to show how evil they are. Or something. And now you're going to have to bear with me, as just thinking about this next bit is giving me a headache.

So, they've got the mirror. And the Bride grabs Junior and goes to touch the mirror as then she can fuse with his ultimate evil power thus fulfilling her Voltron fixation but he reckons he can suck out all her evil since he's stronger and that's clearly a more sensible plan than just punching her in fucking face. But then Bitchy appears from fucking nowhere and gets in the way by kicking Bridetron in the face or something. The magic happens and Sancho makes his dramatic entrance but Bridetron throws the mirror into the Thames and then gets decapitated. Only now Juniors mortal because Bitchy took his AIDS so when he touched the mirror he was just immortal so it made him mortal instead and no Bitchy has the crazy and evil™ as well as a bunch of guys dressed up like ravens for some reason but it's okay because Binto can do some magic thing even though she couldn't do shit for Junior and then....


I fucking HATE the finales in these fucking books. We spend a whole book accomplishing absolutely nothing, and then everything happens at once and none of it makes even the slightest bit of sense. But whatever. Now Bitchy is infected with the crazy and evil™, which might be a cause for concern if it actually did ANYTHING. The only ill effect Junior suffered were the occasional bouts of AMNESIA!!! and those weren't even caused bu the fucking crazy and evil™ at all. So I really can't help but wonder what the big deal is.

Anyway, apparently the Queen has locked up int Tower of London because that's obviously a comfy place to stay, particularly surrounded by a bunch of wierdos dressed as birds.

Sadly no

Anyway there is but one final order of business. Back at home Junior and Sancho have a pleasant little chat and the a package arrives from the hotel. A large, furniture shaped package. It's a very special present for the missus. It's the sofa that he raped her on that time. How romantic. And if you've got a raping sofa then you'd better use it, right/ And since nobody actually mentions that he leaves we are left with the image of Sancho, stood in the corner of the room, watching them.

Roll credits.



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Sunday 1 August 2010

7 things Penguins have in common with unicorns

 
Wait, what?

Okay, fuck it. I like a challenge.

  1. Both Penguins and Unicorns are considered to be cute, nice happy creatures. However it is true of both species that they would kill you as soon as look at you.

  2. Penguins much like Unicorns were originally designed with large horns. However the Penguiins traded their horns to the Narwals in return for 1000 years servitude and an autographed set  of Moon Kana CD's.

  3. Both species can be killed by a stake through the heart and decapitation. They can also be killed other ways, but those are generally less fun. Except the ones involving fire.

  4. No matter what sort of noise they make THEY ARE ACTUALLY LAUGHING AT YOU.

  5. Both Unicorns and Penguins may selected either Polearm or Greatsword Mastery as their racial feat at character generation. This is part of the reason they are so ANGRY.

  6. Both species lay eggs, however only the Unicorns find this fact deeply confusing.

  7. Neither species technically exists, although the Penguins have had much success in convincing mankind otherwise.