The complete lack of logic, coherency or plot did not help matters in the slightest.
So, where the hell are we exactly? Junior and Binteena have entered into a marriage based solely on lust and abuse. Aside from destroying any lingering desire to see another human I may have had left this union is somehow supposed to aid in the recovery of the sacred scrolls of plot device, currently held by Binteena's father Professor McCrazy. Who is conveniently in London in order to save money on set design or location shooting. Junior is in desperate (though apparently not very desperate) need of the scrolls as we are assured that they hold the secret to curing his crazy and evil™, though quite how anyone can be sure of this having never actually seen them we're not sure. Whilst sexually assaulting his wife Junior finds a copy of one of the scrolls written on her underwear, and it turns out to be the instructions for a mirror.
Got all that?
Now, we rejoin the story just as the happy* couple receive an invitation to ascot from the prince of wales.
*may not contain actual happiness
You know, as you do.
Anyway, this is of course a cause for celebration and shopping. As are many things when you find yourself trapped in an abusive relationship I'm sure. Take your joy where you can and spend the bastards money. Binteena invites her cousins over who are currently distraught over the death of their wicked stepmother. So distraught they buzz about like ravers at a pill tasting party and go dress shopping.
Did they have coke in the 1800s?
This is exactly as exciting as it sounds, and outside a bit of bonus supernatural frottage in the changing rooms nothing much happens. The best part being that when nothing is happening it means nothing FUCKING CRAZY is happening. Consider this the calm before the storm.
Anyway, time marches on and we get to chat with royalty. Brace yourself.
pR1nc33d: UR liek, imm0rotall yah?!?!?Wasn't that exciting?
darkestjunior666: errm... yeah.
pR1nc33d: kewel. UR wyf3 iz hawt.
darkestjunior666: ummm.... yeah.
pR1nc33d: I can has affair???1/1
darkestjunior666: no
And thus we leave the royal ascot for the charming building site of Juniors new home. Upon arriving Junior storms off in a crazy and evil™ hissy fit. This leaves Binteena alone with the boxes of stuff that Junior has bought her. Thus bribed with material possessions she decides that maybe she really does like him after all. Who doesn't love boxes of stuff? Oh, and snakes.
Everybody loves snakes
No, the snakes didn't come free when you buy 3 boxes of pretty dresses and other feminine accouterments. That offer expired last week. No, it means Bitchy has dropped by for her crack at breaking up the marriage. However logic and reason are no match for the display of material wealth on offer here. So Bitchy is forced do depart, but leaves a grave warning. The portals opened long enough for the assassination orders to come through. Let's hope that's all that came through.
Anyway, with her love rekindled by a healthy bank balance Binteena storms of into the night in search of her one true love and his wallet.
Now do we remember why Junior bought this entire street and then bought in magic workmen capable of renovating an entire ruined house in a couple of days? That's right. Because he liked the pond. And do you know what made the pond so special?
No. You don't. It hasn't been mentioned yet. Well brace yourself for the big reveal. You see there's something special living in the pond.....
if only....
A magical fish lady with a secret fort. Yeah. So, whilst Binteena is by the pond lamenting the loss of her one true meal ticket the fish bitch grabs her, bites her on the nose, and takes to the secret underground lair. Why the nose biting is relevant I'm not sure. But then I've been reading this bloody book for a while now. I'm not sure of anything anymore. It's like being on drugs, but with none of the positive effects.
Anyway, Junior's all like "WTF?" And Binteena's all like "you're rich, we fuck now!!". And then they do.
Skipping over the carnal details we arrive once again at the dawn. What new terrors await us? Each new day only brings more pain and madness. With each new day I die a little more. So what treats do we have in store today?
Clambering out from the pond we are greeted by K9, who informs us that company has arrived. as every single character is Star Wars says, I have a bad feeling about this.
Junior goes of to the study to greet his guest (ohpleasegodnodontletitbehim) whilst Binteena is left hanging around, sadly not by a noose. And then Binto walks in with a cup of tea.
Enter Sancho, stage right.
Thank you and goodnight.
Oh wait, there's more? Please no. You're not actually going to make me sit through this are you?
Oh. You are. Well fuck you too.
Deep breath: Sancho and BintoMcCrazy is actually an unwitting pawn who is leading the dark forces of darkness to the mirror which is actually in London by the way isn't that convenient so anyway we've got all the bunnies to think happy thoughts really hard for twenty four hours so you'll be free of the baleful influence of the crazy and evil™ for that time so everybody hug and then go find the bad guys or something because you've got to stop them getting that mirror thing even though nobody has actually explained what it's supposed to do and you don't have a clue where to look for the Professor or the mirror or the bad guys but we've given you an arbitrary time limit so you'd better get on with it good luck.
We control the horizontal. We control the vertical.
Everybody got that? Does it even matter?
Dramatic cut to later that night. 13 hours have elapsed, and still no sign of anything. The bunnies are getting tired. Times running out, yet there is no clue to go on and all avenues of inquiry have been exhausted. However will we find the Professor now?
Oh look, there he is.
FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE EAR WITH SPIKES AND ACID AND SOME FORM OF FLESH EATING CREATURE.
Yeah. just like that Junior finds him as if by magic. I laugh in the face of statistical probability and piss on the very concept of reason. So yeah, the Prof is just hanging out, being attacked by Renfields and trying to retrieve the mystic mirror from it's hidden hiding place. In swoops Junior to the rescue, and he's all like "oh hai I'm an immortal and boning your daughter that cool?" and the Proff's like "...kay".
And it's around this point that Binteena gets herself kidnapped. It's like she's laughing at the very idea of positive female role models.
So anyway, Juniors spider sense starts tingling and he leaves. LEAVES. The Professor is right there. He is about to retrieve the ultimate MacGuffin of ultimate destiny, but the enemy KNOWS WHERE HE IS. Reinforcements are available but yet to arrive, though it won't be long. What is the single most RETARDED course of action you could possibly take in these circumstances? Is it something along the lines of "leaving the prof and the MacGuffin to get captured whilst you bound of into the night to find your bint kidnapped which you knew anyway only now you've lost every single possible advantage you could possibly have had"?
Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK. All he had to do was wait 5 minutes for Sancho to show up before bounding of futilely into the night. The you'd have had everything except the gold digging harlot you're boning. And if you wanted her back that badly you could have just fashioned the mirror into a powerful laser and destroyed your enemies with beams of ultimate DEATH.
I bet you could do this if you really tried
But no. Far better to just fuck off and let everything go to shit. Well, whatever.
Back at casa del retard everything's covered in blood. Poor old K9s had his head cut off. But it's okay, since Binto can just sew it back on. And look, they've left a note.
Dear DumbassSadly Big Ben is a solo mission, as the bad people have some sort of anti everyone who's not Junior force field in operation. So Sancho goes off to find a hot air balloon, which all things considered is actually an almost sensible plan. Meanwhile Junior enters by his lonesome. He's not alone very long though as the whole place is swarming with Renfields. Anyway, he climbs up to the top of the tower for the big reveal.
Please come to Big Ben at midnight so we can get married.
Love, the Dark Dark Bride of Dark Dark Darkness
P.S. NOT a trap.
Get this, Lord something or other, Binteenas rich relative and good chum of Junior himself, is actually an evil cultist of evil!! Along with some other guys who we've never seen before!!
So much for your vaunted powers of detecting evil.
But wait, it gets better! You see the Dark bride is..... BOTH of the cousins. They combine like some sort dark Voltron of evil.
Only, you know... EVIL and stuff
Right, so.... The dark sisters combine to their ultimate form and kill Dark lord something or other just to show how evil they are. Or something. And now you're going to have to bear with me, as just thinking about this next bit is giving me a headache.
So, they've got the mirror. And the Bride grabs Junior and goes to touch the mirror as then she can fuse with his ultimate evil power thus fulfilling her Voltron fixation but he reckons he can suck out all her evil since he's stronger and that's clearly a more sensible plan than just punching her in fucking face. But then Bitchy appears from fucking nowhere and gets in the way by kicking Bridetron in the face or something. The magic happens and Sancho makes his dramatic entrance but Bridetron throws the mirror into the Thames and then gets decapitated. Only now Juniors mortal because Bitchy took his AIDS so when he touched the mirror he was just immortal so it made him mortal instead and no Bitchy has the crazy and evil™ as well as a bunch of guys dressed up like ravens for some reason but it's okay because Binto can do some magic thing even though she couldn't do shit for Junior and then....
I fucking HATE the finales in these fucking books. We spend a whole book accomplishing absolutely nothing, and then everything happens at once and none of it makes even the slightest bit of sense. But whatever. Now Bitchy is infected with the crazy and evil™, which might be a cause for concern if it actually did ANYTHING. The only ill effect Junior suffered were the occasional bouts of AMNESIA!!! and those weren't even caused bu the fucking crazy and evil™ at all. So I really can't help but wonder what the big deal is.
Anyway, apparently the Queen has locked up int Tower of London because that's obviously a comfy place to stay, particularly surrounded by a bunch of wierdos dressed as birds.
Sadly no
Anyway there is but one final order of business. Back at home Junior and Sancho have a pleasant little chat and the a package arrives from the hotel. A large, furniture shaped package. It's a very special present for the missus. It's the sofa that he raped her on that time. How romantic. And if you've got a raping sofa then you'd better use it, right/ And since nobody actually mentions that he leaves we are left with the image of Sancho, stood in the corner of the room, watching them.
Roll credits.
I write like
David Foster Wallace
David Foster Wallace
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