It's Coming Down: Part 6 - The Plot Thickens... IN MY PANTS!

Oh god. Why? Just why? It's just.... I don't even know anymore. I just want it to stop.

Okay, deep breathes. You can do this. Just edited out the projectile vomiting and no one will ever know. it'll be fine.

So hello and welcome to the latest installment of out thrilling sga in frankly far to many fucking parts. If you may recall last time we left of on the cusp of a dramatic haircut. So what was the terrible secret welling up from the depths of Bintos' amnesia?

She used to cut her Dad's hair.

Oooo. Drama. Quite how we get from a precious memory of a long last parent to nearly fucking up against the wall I'm not sure. Frankly I'm not going to go back into the details as I've only just finished cleaning up from reading it the first time. And no, that wasn't from excitement. So yeah, Sancho's raging lob-on once again takes over from whatever it is passes for his normal mental processes and he's all like "RAAGH!! WE FUCK NOW!! RAAAGGHHH!!!" And Binto is all like "OKAY!" but then Sancho is all like "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" and kicks her the fuck out. But he does manage to get his hair cut first, so at least he's got his priorities straight. Now we get the fantastic bit where everyone who knows Sancho sees his new haircut and says "But you only cut your hair when....." DUN DUN DUUNNN. Seriously. They never get around to mentioning what the significance of the haircut actually IS. Could be anything. Even numbered years, his team wins the championship, when he's planning on raping the shit out of someone. My persoanl guess is "When you look like a fucking hippy", but we'll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, skipping over the painfully overwraught lumpen prose which is about as arousing as trying to laugh maniacally whilst similtaneously being painfully sick, we shall attermpt to move forward with the plot. I mean, someones got to, right? So Sancho deals with his turgid lust in some undisclosed fashion and heads of to wander the streets looking terribly gothic and dramatic. And in his abscence he promotes Secretary guy to stalk Binto for him. I'm not even sure I've mentioned this guy before, which is a shame since he seems twenty times more interesting than Sancho, and the only thing going for him is he has an eyepatch. Anyway, Sancho confides that Jack might be more than just Transcended. Perhaps he's half alive, half something else? I dunno, and neither does anyone else, it's all just idle speculation for why the book is taking so long.

Anyway, Away into the night! Using the advanced detection technique called "being the main character" Sancho finds Jacks hideout. Just like that. He's wandering down a street and then just happens to be all like "whats in that room over there? Couldn't be the hideout of the very serial killer I'm looking for could it?" Holy deus Ex Machina Batman!

Anyhoo, there are CLUES in the room. Newspaper clippings of stuff that people apparently like to collect and leave laying about the place when they're working on a secret masterplan. Also a diary, with more important exposition to be decoded. June 13th: Aunty Maggies Birthday. June 16th: Pay rent. September 1st: Gut a prostitute and make skipping rope from her bowels.

Or something. There's also a picture of a volcano. It's at this point that I realize what's going on. It's XENU!! It all make sense now. The body thetans made me do it.

Moving on. After whatever period of investigation and furious wanking sancho heads of to the British Museum, presumably to look for a copy of the script. But Binto tags along. Because as far as I can tell she's totally up for it at this stage. And why wouldn't she be? After all she's a free willed sophisticated young lady as the plot hammer does so love to remind us. And it's not like the very concept of a female orgasm was an urban legend at this time or anything. Sancho's hindbrain is back in control however, so he takes her off to the museum and tries to impress her. Forgeting that at this stage he could pretty much fuck her whenver he likes. Men, eh? So they wander around the museum for a bit taking in thinly veiled references to how immortal these space vampire types are and bump into a certain Mr Stoker who's writing a book about oh god I just choked to death on my own vomit and incredulity. Do excuse me while I clear up.

Anyway, we get some more delightful dialogue to the effect of "I totally want to fuck you" followed by "I'm actually kind of cool with that" but thankfully they get interupted again. So Binto gets passed off to some minion for the grand tour whilst sancho heads down to the vaults for some plot. Because obviously he's been secretly funding the Museum in order to give him somewhere to keep his scrolls from the library of Alexandria. AS YOU DO.

So yeah, upshot is Tantalus in Tartarus made Krakatoa blow up and that woke up some super special dodgy types of which Jack is the first only it's taken him 5 years to work that out. And yes, that is exactly as ridiculous as it sounds, but that's what we've got to deal with. So that's why Jack has powered up so quick. Clerics Of Tantalus get an XP bonus when fighting their racial enemy, the common street whore. So... yeah? They need a special tablet to decode Jacks diary but it's been "mysteriously" stolen. But it's okay coz theres a backup scroll. Which has fallen to bits. So now someone has to reasemble it. Enter Bitchy, stage whatever. Now, I can't help but feel that they've missed a trick here, as the plot skips straight ahead to the scroll being reassembled. So narratively was there much point in having it destroyed in the first place. The consider the established fact that Bitchy EATS AND REGURGITATES BOOKS. So they could have used that to resolve the situation. Instead of a pritt stick and pair of tweezers. Which is what they did use. So much for drama. I should probably mention that Sancho jr is around at this point as well. And he's all freaked out that he's mentioned in the diary. Of course this could just be subtle misdirection, but if he isn't actually Jack in disguise then he's probably involved in the far more grisly murders that Bitchy is supposed to be investigating when she's not busy being naked.

Nevertheless, the journal has been translated and the second coming of Happy Jack has been predicted, coinciding with "waves" from Krakatoa or some such bullshit. Sancho Jr has been looking at the monster manual though, and reckons that Jack is probably to high level to be dealt with. He suggests that one of them may have to "transcend" in order to take him on. Now, so far the only thing we know about transcending is that it involves killing hookers. So I doubt that this suggestion will go down very well. But sadly that's where our latest chapter closes.

Now, I know I've said it before, but there really is a plot hidden away under all this vomit inducing dialogue. Indeed, there's more than a shade of Hellboy about the way the plot is developing, what with some ancient mythological nasty influencing people to do nasty murders and such. I could even deal with the whole Krakatoa thing had it not been for the whole "BRAM STOKER MET SANCHO!!! SANCHO IS DRACULA AND VAN HELSING!!! AT THE SAME TIME!!! SIGNIFICANCE!!!" bit that preceded it. And I'm still not entirely sure about the whole Sancho Jr situation. Is he Main plot dodgy or side plot dodgy? Thats cool. But then we have the problem of other stuff not getting as much explanation as we might like as so much time is spent with Binto and Sancho eyeing each other with looks of raw appetite. PLEASE JUST STOP. Fuck if it makes you feel better, but just stop with the leaden potboiler romance descriptive text and GET ON WITH THE FUCKING PLOT. Seriously, you have no idea how hard it is to make it through these long drawn out passages of verbal masturbation for the middle aged and desperate. If this is what romance is like maybe I should be grateful that I'll die alone atop a pile of Tenga products. At least they can just lite the lot on fire and give me a wanking warriors funeral.

Still, tune in next week when you will hear Sancho say "No, I'm not gutting whores until I stand knee deep in chopped offal. That is a silly idea".