Where oh where to begin? See, I'm suffering a little here. Because I can't get on with this section until I've addressed on particular issue, which is weighing on my mind a little.
To whit: This is the part where our dark and mysterious hero WANKS OFF LIKE A MADMAN.
That's right. You heard. To say I was not expecting such a solitary interlude is somewhat of understatement. But still, we should at least make some attempt to deal with the plot in some kind of coherent order. For STUFF is afoot.
So, when last we left off Sancho Mysterioso was sadly not a Mexican Wrestler engaged in combat with space robots. Though that would be awesome. No, he was of hunting in his dark and mysterious fashion. Lest we forget we're looking for Jack The Ripper here, and finally the book makes this explicit. Thanks for the spoiler warning, back cover. Anyway, long story short he doesn't find him. Otherwise the book would be over and we could all go home. But he does bump into that other space vampire guy who cropped up earlier. And we start getting some plot. You see these guys are "Shadow Guards" which frankly sounds like a brand of gothic condoms, but are apparently actually.... something else? Whilst they have as yet not been explicitly referred to as vampires they certainly seem to fill the role, what with the dark mysterious and strangely seductive but all violent and crazy underneath bit Sancho has going on at the moment. So anyway they work for the primordials from the inner realm (no, I'm not reading the monster manual instead, this is the plot. shut up and pay attention), and there job is to kill the bad people before they transcend, whatever that means. Get superpowers by killing a bunch of hookers apparently. At this point they can then go beat up these primordial guys or something. Kind of makes you wonder why these shadow guys bother with the dirty work, but maybe that will be revealed in due course.
So, anyway. PLOT. Aside from having a bit of dark mysterious past (shock horror) it seems that our boy, in his role as wannabe Sancho Jr has ballsed it up and now Happy Jack has levelled up a bit to much and will no doubt be multiclassing into Big Bad just as soon as he meets the prerquisits. On that note, how much XP is ahooker worth anyway? This then is why Sancho has been called in. Whilst they're confronting each other in a dramatic fashion Jack slices up a couple more whores, and everyone gets a bit cross. Of course, Sancho Jr is not coming across as very sympathetic here, as if he'd just done his damn job properly in the first place we wouldn't have to go through this at all. Instead he compounds his mistake by hindering big Sancho, who could probably have finished this off in a chapter or so since he is awesome by decree.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Or more specifically casa de Sancho....
Binto goes to bed. Doesn't sound very exciting does it? Well, it isn't, but then she's just going to bed. It's not the most dramatic process in the world. We do get a nice bit of business between Bitchy One and Binto. Coz Bitchy one doesn't have a nightgown. Y'know, because she's so sensual and shit. So she's stealing on of Bintos. Well, until she gets called away to witness the dramatic posturing outlined above. Also she eats some of Binto's book. I'm not sure if I menationed it before, but apparently she does this. Which is kind of funny when she's burping up bits of medical literature, but that doesn't last long so let's move on.
So anyway after a frustrating nights not catching Jack The Ripper Sancho returns home. Only he's all crazy and stuff since he didn't get to kill anybody. So bristling with pseudovampiric bestail whatnots what does he go and do?
No, not that. Not quite yet.
First he must go see his one true love interest. So yeah, he goes to see Binto whilst she's asleep. But Sancho is a man. With a mans needs. So whilst that pussy from Twilight just stands there being creepy, Sancho goes for a more hands on experience.
No not that. Not quite yet. In his barely controlled ragelust he cops a quick feel whilst she's asleep. She wakes up, he fucks off and she's left to conclude it was all a dream. A SEXY dream. Others might conclude it was sexual assault, but potato potato. She's asking for it anyway.
And THEN he "pleasured himself to a stunning release in the shadowed privacy of his chamber, closing his eyes against the reality of his hand and surrendering himself to the fantast of her". If I have to suffer through this than you can bloody well join me. Still, it's a very poetic way of saying hairy handed monkey grunting session. Not sure about the stunning release part. Did he hit his head on the bedpost when he finished?
All joking aside, I really should applaud the writer for this little titbit. After all, in the natural course of things it's not exactly unusual for a man to fancy a girl and frantically bang one out with her assets firmly fixed in his minds eye. Let's face it he doesn't even need to really fancy her at all. You know what men are like. But how often do we see such behaviour portrayed in romantic fiction? Viva realism, and the bizarre hilarious faces it pulls at the point of no return. Just better hope it's mum doesn't walk in halfway through.
Anyway, I was talking about something else wasn't I? What was it?
THE BOOK! The PLOT! I remember now.
So, what happens after the wanking? Oh yeah, the primordials who live in the fireplace tell Sancho of for not resolving the plot in the last chapter and hint that bitches ain't nothin to a brother and he should be keeping it real. Or something like that. So yeah, since he's got a bit of respite before he needs to go for another one, Sancho forms a plan to deal with his woman problem. Get her married off.
Now, I'm sure you can see one or two flaws in this master stroke, but it's worth compounding the ineptitude that in the ensuing discussions his thoughts do not dwell kindly on a certain doctor aquaintence of Bintos. You know, the one who clearly fancies her. And Sancho is now jealous of for some reason? Needles to say this idea does not go down well, as Binto goes from dripping wet to "But I wanna be a DOCTOR!!" in short order. Clearly building the dramatic tension so we can go through another few hundred pages of them blatently wanting to fuck each other but not wanting to admit it.
And there we must leave off our narrative for the time being, I'm afraid to say. Mainly because that's as far as I've read so far. There will be more, but 3 chapter chunks seem to work out quite well for the purposes of this whole writing buisness. I'm still getting a sense that under all the leaden plot hammer romance and gothic destiny there may be an interesting plot. It's just that I'm starting to realise it's the plot of GARO. We have an oraganisation of dark, mysterios powerful warriors who hunt monsters, a bad guy powering up his evil plot with murder batteries, a confused and reluctant love interest who will later on be central to the bad guys schemes. The hero clearly fancies her but acts cold since he doesn't want to admit the whole fancying bit.... It goes on . The primordial dude in the fireplace even has the whole three in one thing going on. I'm not saying there's any ripping off going on here, indeed I highly doubt it. But there are certain interesting parallels going on. And if you're setting yourself up to be compared to GARo you had better be REALLY fucking good.
Still, let's see what happens next shall we?
So let's leave it at that for now.
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