If I had to sum up what I've read so far, I'd actually be kind of hard pressed for a pithy summary. Mixed I suppose is an appropriate epithet as any. It's not quite the non stop comedy torture cavalcade I was perhaps expecting, but then it's early days yet. I'm 3 chapters in and taking a break to write up the plot for you, my dear reader.
So the story so far. There's this guy, right. And he's like maybe a vampire or something, but we don't really know yet. Thus far he's psychic or something and like, thousands of years old probably. Also he can turn into shadow and can have claws. SPECIAL claws of, I quote, "equal parts fire and primeval silver". Quite if he's meant to be a vampire Wolverine or what has yet to be established. For you see he is MYSTERIOUS.
Anyway, in the prologue our Mystery Sancho is hunting.... some guy. Who is probably bad I guess? Sancho thinks he's bad, though it's never mentioned why exactly. Maybe it isn't important, and Mr Victim only exists to illustrate the fact that Mystery Sancho hunts bad people. Maybe even bad THINGS. THINGS of darkness one would imagine, but it's speculation at this point.
Anyway.... Mr Victim has a hostage! OH NOES! The hostage is also a SPECIAL PERSON. Otherwise known as the female lead character. Obviously she's special. You see with one look Mystery Sancho knows that they are CONNECTED BY GOTHIC DESTINY. The Mr Victim dies and Binto The Wonder Bint falls off the roof. Cut to main titles.
We then start the first chapter proper. Yeah, that was just the prolgue. Probably took me longer to berate it up there than it would to actually read. Go figure. It's fucking cheesy, and there's no getting over it. Now Binto The Wonder Bint (who actually has a name, but frankly I just like using Binto, so thats what I'm sticking with) now has.....
AMNESIA!!!!
She is now the young niave ward of a mysterious Lord (Sancho Von Mystery or something) in Victorian London. Being a nice sort she's doing volunteer work at a charity hospital and trying to learn how to be a doctor rather than take part in the high society to which she is now priviliged and oh my god could you be any more of a walking cliche? However, I should point out that there is actually a bit of quite clever meta humor going on here. See, since Mystery Sancho couldn't let her die in the prologue (because they are CONNECTED BY GOTHIC DESTINY) he got one of his space vampire minions or whatever to set her up in her new life. Which he did by basing it all on the plot of some cheesy romance novel. So Mystery Sancho heads overseas for a protracted period of cold showers and monster hunting trying to avoid his GOTHIC DESTINY. In the meantime Binto is meant to get married off and go have babies or something. But! Consternation! Uproar. The plot summons Mystery Sancho back to merry Olde England ahead of schedule! And she's living in his house! It's like a sitcom!
Actually, all joking aside, this bit is actually pretty good. It would be quite funny, but of course she walks in on him after he's just gotten out of the bath, and the prose does linger over his glistening mighty thews or whatever. It's these frequent breaks for moments of GOTHIC DESTINY and cheese that really help to break up the plot just when it threatens to become interesting. There's the space vampire minions introduced here, though we only really find out that one has an eyepatch and is a guy, and the other is the bitchy other woman type who probably shagged sancho that one time but he's trying to forget about it. And she eats books. As the other woman she is of course SLIGHTLY DODGY.
Moving on, Binto fucks off to a party thrown by her handsome doctor mate who she totally doesn't fancy because she is BEQUETHED BY DESTINY to another, even she doesn't realise it yet. Though considering the beating the poor girls taking from the plot hammer right now you'd think she'd feel at least something. Anyway, he naturally obviously fancies her but will get nowhere because he's probably to nice or some such bullshit. And of course Mystery Sancho crashes the party, for he is compelled by his... GOTHIC DESTINY.
Then there's a bit of dancing, a bit of gossip started, a bit of overwrought heaving bosom type interlude and SHOCK! There's another space vampire or whatever guy. Who is of course slightly dodgy and no doubt involved in whatever the plot is. Currently I'm torn between him being killed for being a bastard or being helpful at some unexpected point. Probably both You know the type.
Then since everybodies up past their bedtime they all fuck off back home whilst Mystery Snacho goes out to hunt Jack The Ripper. At least thats what the blurb on the back cover says. But then it's Victorian London and various females are getting slit up a treat. Who ELSE is it going to be?
And there you have it. That is the story so far. Whats going to happen next? Who knows?
I mean, obviously Sancho and Binto will go through an iterminable period of overwrought heaving bosom bullshit before finally fucking, but thats hardly a revelation is it/ You may as well call the book "These Two Will Fuck Before The End". Be better than the actual title.
Now, to be fair, the idea of some sort of Vampire Victorian B.R.P.D. is actually pretty cool. Not that we really know if Sancho is a Vampire, but I doubt you'll get good odds on that particular bet. Indeed, there night even be a decent story in here, but I wish someone would unplug the sexual tension generator, because it's obviously not a very expensive one.
Next time... "I am a GIANT VULTURE!!"
Well, probably not, but a man can dream can't he?
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