The Shape Of Things To Come (Is Phallic)

It's been on my mind for a while now that I need some sort of project to encourage me to spend a bit more time away from the demon video games and actually generate some posts for this blog. I have, after all, been somewhat lax in my updating schedule over the past year. So thinking back over the sort of things I'd done in the past to what I'd had the most enjoyment out of and best reaction too, I quickly found myself coming to a rather unfortunate conclusion. Luckily for me though it's not like that particular series of books seems to be continuing. This is a blessing for both literature and sanity to be sure, but also for common decency. The truth is after recapping all three turgid volumes of the Shadow Guard trilogy I was starting to feel like I was picking on the author.

In my mind she looks like this. Only without the same literary talent.

No, I'd need to cast the net further afield if I was to find a new source of torment to lampoon. And unfortunately it didn't take me long to find something that seems suitably wretched. And I did it quite by accident. Whilst I was Christmas shopping.

And no, I wasn't looking for supernatural romance novels to buy for anyone. If I hated any of my friends quite that much I'd just skullfuck them to death with a week old melon or something.

"It's blunt you idiot. It'll hurt more." "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

No. See I have this friend who is quite enamoured of the Elder Scrolls games. So whilst I was typing various related phrases and keywords into ebay to see if anything interesting came up I stumbled on a mysterious tome. One of unbridled horror and dubious provenance.

And just like that all my prayers were answered. If by prayers you in fact meant building sense of dread and mild nausea at the prospect of sitting through another turgid volume of thinly veiled sexual assault and emotional abuse. But I decided to buy it anyway, based purely on the raw Sanchosity of the cover. I'd no actual clue what it was about or if it would consist mainly of the main characters selling one arrow at a time to try and raise their mercantile skill. But really, after the last time how bad could it really be.

Then it arrived. Allow me to share the blurb with you:

ONE PROTECTOR
When dragon power flows through your veins, when dragon thoughts burn in your mind, you can accomplish anything. Natiya knows, for she carries one of the last eggs in the land disguised as a jewel in her navel. Day by day the Unhatched grows, and when at last it births they will be joined in a sacred and eternal bond. Gone will be the barmaid forced to dance for pennies; born will be Dag Natiya, revered Queen. Take her body or her soul, nothing will stop them.
ONE SLAYER
When dragon power flows through your veins, when dragon emotions trample your soul, you become a monster. So knows Kiril, for one destroyed his cousin. No matter how kind or joyful, all beings must succumb to the power of the wyrm. That is why Kiril vowed to destroy dragonkind–and he has almost succeeded. Only one egg remains. But there is an obstacle he did not foresee: love.

So that's one chav slapper with an infected naval piercing that may or may not be pregnant with a psychotic lizard and is going to get date raped by a low rent redneck Conan wannabe with genocide issues.

Oh, it is ON.