So imagine my disappointment when the entirety of the next three chapters focussed solely on Binto and her wonderful holiday at the castle of ultimate evil.
GODDAMNIT
Ah well, I'm sure he'll return later with a tale of daring do. And possibly walking funny. For the time being let's concentrate on the evil Emperors evil scheme to be really nice to Binty.
Because you know what? He IS really nice. Honestly. I mean, yes, he does confine her to a room with an armed guard telling her it's for own safety. But you know what happens after she's been there about 5 minutes? Jigglypuff turns up in the bathroom and tries to stab her.
Jigglypuff will straight cut a motherfucker.
It's one thing to be told the constant guards are there for your own protection. It's something else for this to be almost instantly proven. Of course Binty is still somewhat doubtful about this whole Evil Oppressive Emperor actually turns out to really rather nice once you get to know him thing. But then he gives her a big cupboard full of fancy shoes. This seems to go a long way towards gaining her trust for some reason.
Vaginas. Am I right guys?
It never ceases to amaze me how a genre of fiction allegedly targeted at an almost exclusively female demographic can consistently churn out so much thinly veiled sexism. Anyway, moving on...
The Evil Emperor (who is evil) continues to be really nice. It's odd really, because although we KNOW he's the villain and this is all part of some evil scheme he still manages to come across as was less creepy in his pursuit of the heroine than our alleged hero.
To be fair, this is not all that hard.
I mean you tell me ladies, what sounds more appealing? A man who continually stares at you like that and says "But I REALLY want to fuck you" as 50% of the conversation? Or a guy who says he wants you to be his Empress, buys you a fancy dinner and some nice shoes and actually engages you in conversation?
Although to be fair at least one of them is being honest and upfront. All we know about the Emperor so far is that he habitually walks around with his cock hanging out and has a large collection of womens shoes. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
My mum says I'm normal.
Of course all throughout this the dragon egg is growing larger, making Binty into some sort of pregnant porn pin up and not making anything weirder AT ALL. Fun fact though, it has already been stated that the dragon egg can be attached to any part of the body. It's even mentioned how that one cousin who went all crazy and died had one attached to his bicep. Just think how ridiculously impractical such an arrangement must have been. Having your shoulder swell up to the size of a pregnant woman and making you fall over all the time. Pity the poor fool who thinks of embedding the gem in their forehead.
Anyway, time passes, Binty get's lessons in being Empress and shit and a minimum of sexual tension from the Emperor. Despite the fervent insistence of the voices in her head.
Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
.There's a little bit. But sadly it's not quite as good as the sexual tension she got from poor old Rapeface. Which I suppose means she at least ALMOST feels guilty about ordering him to be raped to death before she ditched him.
Did I not mention that? Because she totally did. No gratitude some people. When asked what should be done with him she could have said something other than that, but I guess this is what happens when you turn to the dark side. I suppose we should simply be grateful that nobody mentioned youglings at any point.
Anyway, things potter on in this fashion for a while as the undercurrent of paranoid craziness in the Emperor becomes increasingly overt. To be honest it's actually quite well done. This is what happens when you get the fucking out of the way early. Since the potential for filling up the page count with forced sexual tension is fairly limited the author has little choice but resort to actual plot. So we get some fun exploration of unreliable authors as Binty tries to investigate the history of the Emperor via the official histories and his own accounts. Neither of which are exactly reliable. This all culminates in getting force fed actual memories via draconic mind powers and the Emperor having a major breakdown. Because whatever he's been up to his dragon apparently has it's own priorities and is perhaps not as complicit in everything as previously thought.
You see? PLOT > RAPEFACE. Every time.
So we close out the chapter with Emperor crying like a baby and threatening to be a complex, interesting character. And whilst he's certainly neither complex nor interesting, hopefully next time we'll find out if our alleged hero is also crying like a baby. Or just squealing like a pig.
So, you guys like The Mission?
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