Surprisingly well at first. Whilst Sir Rapeface is trying to convince her that the evil Emperor is after her for some secret knowledge she is alleged to possess. But whilst she's certainly not the first to steal the Death Star plans her general attitude can best be described as "I'm not the droids you're looking for".
And really, this is one of the highlights of the book so far for me. The point where the heroine says "Bullshit, you're just saying that because you want to fuck me." It's a refreshing change from the whole will she or won't she and will it even matter when the time comes crap that seems to pass for a plot most of the time in these sort of things.
Sadly all this progress is then instantly undermined as she is overcome by the sheer unbridled manliness of ol' Rapeface. Or at least the peculiar scent of it anyway. I must admit that it seems a little odd that at the close of one chapter she's telling the guy he smells like old cocks, and then a few paragraphs into the next she's silently rhapsodising to herself about his manly smell.
Just saying.
Of course, this might not be entirely her fault, as we should take into account the voices in her head. Or at least the one in her naval. Remember, that this book actually seems to have a plot as well. And here it is.
Our generically fiesty heroine (come on, all heroines are feisty. ALL OF THEM.) is incubating a dragon egg. In her naval. Which to be fair isn't necissarily as daft is at sounds because magic. Anyway, this involves doing some sort of mental bonding thing with dragon before it's born. But the dragon, not being born yet, is rather curious about everything, always asking questions. Kinda like having a small child in your head, only it alternates asking "Why?" with promises to kill everyone with fire. Which would be a nice idea were we not in a "Romance" novel. Because that particular focus gives rise to stuff like this:
"She had never experienced it before, and so the egg demanded that she succumb to it, sending wave after wave of desire coursing through her. Experience this, it whispered into her mind. Allow this."
So, just to recap some guy shows up at her door all like:
Asking questions, implying danger and above all BEING THE GUY WHO KILLS ALL THE DRAGONS FOR A LIVING. And what sort of advice does the poor girl get?
You've gotta feel sorry for her really.
Anyway, managing to cram a little more exposition into the flirting we also get some more information and fleshed out world building. The evil Emperor is himself a Dragonborn. Only he's been steadily wiping out basically anything to do with dragons from the face of existence. Bintys parents were apparently dragon scholars. Which went about as well for them as you might think.
When you have Dragonfire it doesn't matter if you're as precise as an Imperial Stormtrooper
And as for Sir Rapeface, well he was taken as a child and raised by the Evil Emperor to be a Dragon slayer....
Wait, does this make him DARTH RAPEFACE?
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNMaybe?
Anyway, eventually he takes the hint that he's not getting any and buggers off. However later on he turns up at the
After a brief spell in the cells being "interrogated" (remember, only the hero can molest anyone in detail) Darth Rapeface shows up for a rescue and a snog. Not necessarily in that order. Now, I understand that the power of love is a curious thing, liable to make one man weep and other man sing. But considering the two characters in questions can be thus far summed up as
10 Where are the Death Star Plans
20 I'm not going to fuck you
30 GOTO 10
I'm not entirely sure that Huey has been telling the truth all these years. But I guess the power of cocks is an equally mysterious force. Causes one man to abandon his position, stage a full scale prison breakout in the middle of a royal visit and then spend a whole chapter sexually molesting a stripper on horseback.
But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. First they must escape through a secret passage to the nearby stables where the heroes mighty steed awaits to take them to freedom.
No, really. This apparently what it looks like. The steed in question is, apparently, quite hairless. Because when fighting dragons all that flammable hair is just a liabilty. This is why bald men have a natural +5 vs fire based attacks. But I digress. Point is they're making their escape on some equine equivalent of a naked mole rat, and I want you to bear that in mind when things start getting sexy.
Because nothing says sexy like a naked mole raat. That's shy they look like penises. With teeth. So I guess Giger was right all along.
I'm digressing again. Anyway, suddenly DRAGONS!! RAAAA!!!
No... The OTHER Dragon.
The evil Emperor turns up on his Dragon and blasts the heros and their trusty mole rat with dragonfire. But luckily they are protected with powerful navel magic and thus it is only the surrounding buildings and peasantry that are destroyed in one of the most horrific ways imaginable. But don't let the cruel way all those lives were suddenly snuffed out get you down. Afterall, we now have the protracted comedy of watching a man try to fuck a woman whilst riding a giant mole rat.
You heard me. And don't worry about the dragon that logic would dictate is doggedly pursuing them from the air. They escaped to hills loaded with special dragon confusing rocks.
I am NOT making that up. That's what it says.
Anyway, we then get a whole chapter of them riding along and Darth Rapeface continually trying to stick his hand down her pants rather than get on with the exposition. Seriously, the poor girl is trying to advance the plot, but our alleged hero is to busy being about as creepy as it's possible to be without licking a child.
...Ladies.
Protip: If anyone ever makes a reference to enjoying you like a fine meal then you should probably run for it. And if they keep going on like that and won't let you off the mole rat no matter how many times you ask then maybe you should punch them in the balls, THEN run. I mean, call me old fashioned, but trying to guilt trip someone into letting you grope them has always seen a little ungentlemanly. So the whole "I busted your ass out of jail so let me touch your tits" part did seem a little.... off.
However to be fair he does make one very good point. That maybe it would be better if they got the whole fucking part over and done with so that they could then concentrate on the task at hand. This would undoubtedly be a good thing for him, as he's giving a lecture on how he has super dragon egg finding powers, yet somehow misses the dragon egg he keeps touching as he tries to access a nearby area. If you know what I mean. And also all the really obvious leading questions and pro dragon statements made by binty. I mean, she's lightly distracted by plot mandated horniness, but is far more interested in pumping him for information than in any mechanical sense. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Anyway, point his the mole rat is on autopilot towards a "discrete inn". So just to prove that he didn't have any untoward intentions the first place Darth Rapeface makes for is a bloody love hotel. Still, there is a distinct possibility that she might actually go for it. And whilst it doesn't speak very hihgly to her moral character, it would make a nice change for the fated couple to get the sexual tension out of the way early and get on with the plot.
But will they actually do it, or will some annoying happenstance delay the inevitable for another hundred pages? And more importantly, what happened to the Jigglypuff accountant lady from part one?
Tune in next time and we'll find out.
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