This is, I suppose something similar to way the heroes would be captured, escape, and then immediately be recaptured in so much 1960's Dr Who. After all, if they just got straight to the point the whole thing would be over in about 5 pages. Only with more cocks.
So, basically like this.
Picture if you will a gauge with the words "TOTALLY UP FOR IT!!" written on one side, and then the words "Dodgy Hentai" written in exponentially increasing font size as you proceed across the face. Also picture that the needle indicating position on this scale is actually a wang.
Then go turn of safe search and google the phrase "Helicopter Dick". I don't mind waiting.
Aside from the obvious psychological damage you now have a pretty good idea of all three chapters I've just read. Well, to be honest you've got a pretty good idea of the entire plot of every romance novel ever written. Which should save you an awful lot of time and anguish.
If you'll recall at the close of the last chapter both of the protagonists were firmly on the "TOTALLY UP FOR IT!!" side of the dial, restrained only by the complex practicalities of doing it whilst riding a giant hairless mole rat / horse hybrid and heading for a medieval love hotel. Because if we've got dragons and magic why the hell not have love hotels as well?
You know, you'd think there'd be a lot more porn & a lot less Hello Kitty.
Thing is, once they actually get there and have a chance to scrape some of the grime from their underpants Binty decides that actually, doing the sex thing is in fact NOT on currently on her list of priorities. Even though the voices in her head are still all like
Indeed, she even comes to dramatic realisation that it's not just the voices. It is in fact HER that would totally like to make with the sex now very much. Thus, logically the only thing to do is storm off into the hills in the middle of the night, in the middle of winter, to look for a cave. Ignoring any more reasoned arguments as to why that might not in fact be a very good idea.
Or at least she would if the arguments to the contrary comprised of anything other than:
But sadly telling someone you REALLY want to touch them on the bum is not nearly as convincing as pointing out that it might be a better idea to rest up and prepare before going adventuring. I mean, really, has she never actually PLAYED any of Skyrim? Half the game is buggering around in town trying to sort your shit out before heading out to accumulate more shit. But no. So poor old Darth Rapeface is only metaphorically led out into the night by his dick to saddle up the Mole Rat and head off.
Once again, this is what his horse looks like. NEVER FORGET THAT.
So quite naturally having spurned his attentions at the inn once they're actually on the road they totally start feeling each other up again. Because I guess nothing is quite as erotic as giant hairless, wrinkled monstrosity. Sadly for them giant hairless, wrinkled monstrosities are not nearly as practical for this sort of business as, say, literally anything else.
I mean it. ANYTHING.
So of course she falls off. But as luck would have it the resultant concussion only makes her decide that now she in fact DOES want to do it. Seriously. Right here, right now. Doesn't even care about the mole rat watching.
So obviously it's at this precise point that Sir Rapeface decides that now he doesn't want to do the sex, thank you miss.
Yeah. This is the man who's ENTIRE MOTIVATION for past 100 pages has been, quite literally, "PUT THINGS IN THAT WOMAN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE". Ever since they met he's been making this face
And has not stopped. And now that she's finally decide to give him what he wants he decides to play the gentleman. Well, it's that or he's just shy and doesn't want the mole rat to watch. Maybe he's afraid it'll get confused if he gets his own little mole rat out.
Still, the journey isn't quite ALL overblown sexual tension. There's also exposition. I mean, get this, apparently they actually have conversations and get to know each other somewhat! You know, to distract from all the LUST. Off camera of course. But even so it's nice that the author at least made a nod towards the idea that two people might engage in conversation and get to know each other a little. Bearing in mind that the conversation up to this point has consisted entirely of asking where the Death Star plans are hidden and wildly vacillating debate over whether or not they're going to do it yet. And speaking of Star Wars references it's time for a SHOCKING TWIST
No, not incest. Apparently they totally used to know each other when they were children. A fact which everyone apparently forgot about until they were to hump each other on horseback. Quite what this is supposed to mean is anybodies guess. is it supposed to help justify the oncoming boinking session? Help build a rapport between the characters before the oncoming boinking session? Or just a dumb throwaway line thrown in as a means of tying the backstory together? Whatever, it does seem a bit much. I mean, the actual backstory connecting the two families is pretty good to be honest. Darth Rapefaces family got a dragon egg and stuck it onto his pussy cousin to try and make a nice dragon to fight the evil Emperor and his Evil Dragon. Only it all went wrong, the cousin turned into a massive prick and then everyone died. But not before he'd raped that Jigglypuff accountant chick from part one.
Back when she would have been, shall we say, of dubious legal status.
I mean, that puts things in perspective a little. It's actually quite shocking that you'd get an actual rape in something like this, considering how large a percentage of these sort of books consist of fondling with dubious content. But it does give the hero a bit of motivation for his aggressively anti dragon stance. Anyway the point is the one lot got the dragon egg from the other lot before it all went tits up. And thus the hero and heroine have TECHNICALLY known each other since they were children which totally justifies the attraction and doesn't make things AT ALL WEIRD.
Speaking of weird... Did I mention before how Darth Rapeface has a certain amount of magical protection due to the amount of dragon blood he's swum through in his day job? It makes a kind of sense. Dragons are inherently magical creatures, and their blood and other fluids carries a measure of that power.
Are you worried by that phrase "other fluids"? Did I mention that the super secret place that Darth Rapeface needed leading to was the dragons hatching caves? You know, where they BREED?
Yeah, that place has, shall we say, powers. Turns out the big smiles Bintys parents continually sported after a session of spelunking had little to do with archaeological achievements, and everything to do with a slightly different kind of spelunking.
Don't look at me like that. She's the one that brought it up. Call me old fashioned but I'm not sure the best way to seduce anyone is talking about how your dead parents used to hang around in caves fucking.
Still, seems to work for Darth. After eventually finding their way to the spunk splattered caves of legend our heroes are at last overcome with the romance of it all and make a mighty sex.
Pictured: Ancient Mighty Draconic Magic. Apparently.
Yeah. They do it. We're only about half way through the book, and they strip off, leaving all cares, clothing and important equipment behind and fuck the hell out of each other. This is almost unprecedented. Normally the sexing is reserved for the final quarter, rendering the pretty much everything coming before it pointless will they or won't they faffing around. YES, OF COURSE THEY WILL. Just get on with it and then get back to the plot.
And here, at last, we have just that. The fuckening has occurred, and thus the plot is now free to turn up and get on with stuff. Which it does in the form of several heavily armed soldiers, a large copper dragon and an evil emperor.
Who has his cock out.
....Ladies.
No, really. They SPECIFICALLY mention it. Darth is restrained by the Stormtroopers as Binty is menaced by a sword wielding Emperor, and it looks like she's about to be done in when suddenly, almost casually it's mentioned that the Emperor just happens to have his cock out. I wouldn't mind, but he doesn't actually DO anything with it. He doesn't even TRY to molest anyone. He comes in, captures Binty, forces Darth to pretend like he's betrayed her and the rides off with his prize and all the time he apparently just happens to have it all hanging out. I mean... is this what he's normally like? Does he habitually just walk around without any pants on? Does he have special suit of Dragon riding armour with the crotch cut out? Life's gotta be hard enough for an evil minion as it is without having the wizened junk of ultimate evil continually thrust in your face.
..don'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlook
It's no wonder everyone wants to kill him.
Anyway, in our next instalment we'll if our incredibly naked hero is able to beat off all those burly soldiers who have invaded his love cave. I for one can't wait.
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