Pornguard Part The First: Got Wood?

I'm going to be honest with you up front. I really have no idea how this particular series is going to turn out. Partly this is because the limited portion of the book I've read so far actually has the makings of a pretty decent fantasy tale. But mostly it's because going by the first chapter the hero might actually be secretly gay.

What do you suppose he's DOING in there?

If I might (selectively) quote from the opening paragraphs:

"So young.
...his grip tightening on his... as he studied the boy...... with the kind of face.... to kiss. A smile at the right moment and this boy could have whatever he wanted.
... he couldn't stand it any longer.
He dove forward. Gripping Huet about a suprisingly muscular.... pressed the..... against the boy's slender...."

And I could go on. Seriously, I've seen pictures of two dudes fucking that have less homoerotic subtext than the author somehow manages to cram into a fight between a guy and a giant lizard. Don't believe me?

"The youth shoved... and grabbed a large.... power in his stroke..... now that he was joined mind to mind with his serpent beast.... The boy was in the prime of his physical abilities..... time to find an opening.... too small to handle a man's weight.... Right now, it was the dragon's turn.
.....moving deliberately, no doubt trying to remember how to walk."

Still, in the end the hero prevails against the serpentine menace. Not that he defeats it in single combat or anything so mundane. rather he cuts a tree down on top of the dragon after it falls in a lake and drowns it. But I'm sure there's nothing suspect about the manly hero smothering his enemy with his mighty wood until it can't breathe any more.

Subtext? What subtext?

Anyway, having slain the dragon and his supple, tender young assistant we cut from our alleged hero to the angry female lead. Who is a barmaid and exotic dancer. Obviously.Because it's not like anyone in these sort of things is going to be an accountant or anything is it?

Our heroine is visited at her place of work by her not at all creepy uncle with an offer of incest.

Try it! You might like it!

Only joking! It's not really incest because you're adopted! And anyway, it's not actually for him. It's for his son. Who is apparently a little too into poetry and musical theatre. So frankly I think he'd be better off asking  our dragon choking hero. Except he's still in the woods burying the body of the last attractive young man to cross paths with him. So maybe best not to after all.

Anyway, the voices in her head tell Uncle Fester to go fuck himself. Kinda. Anyway, at that point the powers that be decide that we've spent enough time establishing that the heroine is a feisty, independent strong willed young woman even if she does hear voices and decides it's time to move the plot forward. Which is in many ways a shame really. We had some decent character stuff and world building going on. But this is a "romance" novel, remember? The arrival at the tavern of the mysterious new governor can only mean one thing. The main characters are about to meet and then spend the next 200 pages making rape eyes at each other. Yay.

Cut to the stripclub bar room. Our plucky youg heroine is now dressed like a cheap whore in her stripping gear in her dancing clothes. In a shocking twist the new governor hasn't actually brought a bloody shovel with him. Instead he has apparently brought a Jigglypuff.

No, seriously. That's how she's described. Jiggly. Although no mention so far as to how full of goo, mission or otherwise. So anyway. Because Chavette is quite naturally the bestest stripper dancer of all time you guys™ she is wheeled out to.... "Dance" for the occasion. At first she's not particularly enthused, but being the bestest stripper dancer of all time you guys, seriously™ she is quickly all like:

At which point the noble hero makes this face:

AND DOESN'T STOP. EVER. Luckily his Jigglypuff is less than enthused about this public display of rather unchivalrous leering blatant rape eyes and escort him off the premises. Turns out she has a secret power over him. And it's not even her boobs. She's....

HOLY SHIT. SHE'S HIS ACCOUNTANT?!?!

I never thought I'd live to see the day. I mean, yeah, she's just a supporting character at the moment. But still, maybe there'll be a spin off or something. Anyway, seems they have some sort of bet going on where if Sir Rape Eyes can't keep his urges in check then Jigglypuff gets all the money. So maybe they are married after all BOOM BOOM.

Anyway, good luck Mr Rape Face. My money is on Jigglypuff getting the lot.

The next day Sir Rape-Face goes to stalk visit Chavette at her home. Having "persuaded" one of the "barmaids" to "part" with the "information". I don't think Jigglypuff is even going to need a lawyer here. Anyway, it's okay because it turns out she's just the person he came here to stalk in the first place. That's right, it wasn't crossed out that time. STALK. Under cover of being the governor for the region. Which doesn't really inspire much confidence in his policy making priorities. But anyway, it's okay because he brought her a kebab. Bitches love kebabs.

Actually, turns out they do. She even lets him in. Now, call me old fashioned, but now matter how hungry you were if this

showed up on your doorstep first thing in the morning with a kebab in one hand and a throbbing erection in the other would you REALLY let it in without at least putting pants on first?

To be fair she does at least have the decency to tell him that he smells like old cocks. Yes, seriously.

And thus it is he decides to drop the "flirtation" approach and go for the dramatic threatening one instead. Turns out the evil Emperor wants something from her. DUN DUN DUNNN!!

Let's just hope it isn't her panties since she doesn't appear to actually own any.