Make your own damn joke about being forced to come thick and fast, I haven't the energy right now.
But all good things must come to an end. The main problem is that I'd really been hoping he'd just show up to save the day or something, she'd ask how he escaped from all those guards and he'd simply reply:
"With my cock"And then the next 3 chapters would just him staring at her.
Although to be fair that wouldn't be all that different from normal.
But first let's talk about poetry for a bit. Does anyone else remember how back in part the first Binteena's creepy uncle was trying to marry her off to her cousin? You know, the one that was heavily into musical theatre?
And then, my friend, you look fabulous!
Turns out that conversation wasn't just padding things out until the rape eyes could start. He not only exists, but she enlists him in to assist her in formulating a daring escape plan!
Well, if by enlist you mean manipulate emotionally. And by formulate you mean tells to do all the work and doesn't help in the slightest. But like any good masturbater will tell you, it's the thought that counts.
Oh, and it's probably worth mentioning that apparently the palace guards smell like gay sex. It's the little details that really make the world come alive isn't it? I mean, where would be without out brave and noble heroine going around sniffing everything and telling is it smells like cocks?
Incidentally, have you ever stopped to consider how REALLY awkward porn would be if smell o vision was actually a thing? Never mind all the weird german stuff. Anyway, I'm digressing here aren't I?
So Penfold the poet goes of to plot and Bint features just chills out in her room having a good time. The next day the Evil Emperor comes to take her on a guided tour of his patented Dungeons Of Despair. It's funny, because despite being allegedly quite well read the poor girl has absolutely no conception of what foreshadowing is.
In a shocking twist which literately everyone saw coming except her (including a blind orphan in a neighbouring kingdom) the poor shmuck has been captured. I mean, really who'd have seen that one coming? Poets are well known for the skills in subterfuge and covert operations.
OH WAIT. SORRY, NO. THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT.
Anyway, despite having sent a poet to a man's job the Evil Emperor is actually quite pleased that Binty has at least made the effort. Because he's actually been taking lessons at the Emperor Palpatine School Of Evil.
It's kind of weird really. I keep using Star Wars references when describing this book because I am a massive nerd, and that's how my brain works.
And this is basically how we all communicate now. IN MEMES.
So it's interesting that we keep finding these parallels. In particular this is the Emperors big Join The Dark Side speech. It's actually quite well done. Aside from all the standard harping on about destiny he makes the point that no matter how nice she tries to be everyone will end up hating her anyway. Because aside from not being able to please all of the people all of the time, there's that whole dragon thing going on as well. So eventually she'll have to join him no matter what. Then she trades vaginal access rights in return for judiciary oversight powers. So now in addition to being huge and ungainly she's also in charge of scum & villainy. I'm there's a Star Wars reference to be made here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
The he force grips her right in the cunt. Because, hey, why not?
Close enough.
So anyway, where were we? Ah yes. Binty is freeing the slaves from Mordor and consolidating her power base in the new world order by bargaining her bits. Because that kind of makes sense? Her logic being that although the Emperor may well end up fucking with her in physical sense he'll have little power to manipulate her otherwise as the man that she loves is dead. You know, because she ordered him killed in a fit of pique.
Women, amirite fellas?
It is of course at this point that the Emperor is all like:
ORLY? Jedi.
Yeah, turns out ol' Rapeface was in the turkey all along.
I mean prison. Same difference. Curiously enough despite being captured naked in the love cave and then immediately thrown into prison no remarks are made on the no doubt phallic nature of anyone's odour. So I guess we should be grateful for small mercies.
Anyway, proving himself either utterly clueless as to what trollface actually means or the grand high wizard of the art the Emperor then proceeds to actually let everyone go. All the prisoners in the dungeons. Including Penfold, Rapeface and even Jigglypuff. All because he thinks he'll get some in exchange.
Men. Amitrite ladies?
So then everyone goes they're separate ways. Rapeface and Jigglypuff go rob a bank or something, Penfold high tails it for the hills and Binty heads off back to her room to catch up on the exposition Penfold had smuggled in before he got arrested. And this is important, because it turns out he had Bintys mums journal on dragons and stuff.
Small world, eh?
Baring in mind that the Evil Emperor (who is Evil) has had every single scrap of anything related to dragons systematically destroyed over the years this must be one of the most valuable books in the kingdom. Not to mention one of the most convenient.
Well, if you like reading stories about you parents boning in caves anyway.
However the important thing is that this gives Binty a new and amazing idea. All throughout the book there's been this point that nobody really understands what the deal with the dragons and this whole bonding thing is all about. There's this idea that maybe there's meant to be more to it than going crazy and oppressing everyone. Although no ones ever really found out as anyone who's ever bonded with an egg has gone crazy and started oppressing everyone. But having only been bonded to this thing for the past 10 years or so and having it talk to her all the time she suddenly thinks of a new way to find out what the deal with the dragons is:
ASK THE COCKING DRAGON.
Now, to be fair it turns out you need to ask in a very particular way to get any answers. Like if you're trying to solve a D&D riddle with a particularly pedantic and obnoxious GM. That or thee dragons are playing some weird game of reverse Zork.
Doing an image search for a text adventure is the very definition of insanity.
Actually it turns out that Dragons are Scientists. Strange creatures come to probe mankind in the name of science? This explains everything.
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