So, having said all that... At the close of the last instalment Binty had finally worked out that she could actually communicate with the hideous sentient parasite gestating inside her, and asked it if it knew the way out.
Which it did.
No, not like that. It actually knew about a secret passage, because why not? It's a psychic death lizard, it can whatever the fuck it likes. So it suggests they go find the other dragon that no one's mentioned yet.
WAIT, WHAT??!?!
Yeah, turns out that in addition to the Emperor's one, the one in Binty's guts and the dead one sometimes mentioned in flashbacks there is in fact another dragon kicking around. The one bonded to the Emperors sister.
And to be fair to the book, this was actually mentioned earlier in some flashback or other. The Emperor and his sister both had dragons and then killed all the bad dragon guys. then she kinda dissapears from history and we're left to assume the Emperor killed her off because that's just the kind of guy he is. And I really would have mentioned this earlier but I just couldn't find an appropriate moment to slip in a quick joke about the Emperor fucking his sister.
Because they make sure to mention at least that much about her.
Like this, only with dragons.
One of the funny things about this particular book is that not only did I stumble across it whilst looking for Skyrim related stuff to get for a friend of mine, but that very same friend actually bought me Skyrim for christmas. So whilst I've been reading this trash I've also been playing the game. The main way the two intersect is that everytime there's a guard in the book i can't help but picture them speaking in that weird fake Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.
Please god tell me there's a mod for this.
Which, baring in mind how most conversations seem to revolve around everything smelling like penises, isn't exactly the most reassuring thing in the world. Anyway, in the games you will sometime pick up quests and objectives just by overhearing conversations between the various NPCs as they mill about the place being generally unhelpful. And, being both a large open game as well as riddled with crippling bugs it's quite possible you'll sometimes pick up these hints whilst missing the event that's supposed to trigger them.
Turns out Darth Rapeface is playing Skyrim. Whilst he was in prison he overheard a muffled something in the wall behind him, and suddenly got a pop up "Quest added: Check out the secret passage back into the mountain"
And luckily for him it gives him target on the minimap to head for once he gets out. It's either that or you believe that he has super special echo location powers. I don't mind dragons, magic and all that stuff. I know full well that this is a fantasy novel. Even worse it's a fantasy romance novel. But I draw the line at being able to hear where a secret passage on the side of mountain is. That is just silly.
So anyway, using the powers of plot necessity the secret passage is discovered. Only it turns out to be more of a secret sewage outlet. Which our hero bravely crawls up, liberally coating himself in unspeakable filth both inside and out. All the while thinking about getting pooped on by guards at the other end.
I think he's trying to infiltrate the wrong sort of dungeon here, but whatever. Luckily for everyone involved the passage does not come out in the lavs. It in fact ends in a sealed metal hatch. And now it is time for our hero to inact part two of his amazing plan: use the secret words he kinda sorta mostly overheard with his bat powers maybe to open the grate.
Klaatu. Barada. Necktie?
Yeah, that didn't exactly work. Still, he's pretty sure the first syllable is right. So it's just a question of trying a few variations. After all, how long could it possible take to brute force a magical door opening password? especially one that may not even be in any way related to this particular door?
Turns out about half a page.
L33T Sk1llz indeed. And here we have another parallel with the world of Skyrim. In that your character can learn special words in the ancient language of dragons which he can then shout out to do stuff like knock people flying or set them on fire. And we have something similar here. Only the hero has now learned the shout for "Flush Toilet".
Like this, only with ten thousand litres of raw sewage.
Yeah... It's not really going MASSIVELY well is it? Still, you know what they say. If at first you don't succeed, strip naked and try again. Wait, what's that you say? NO-ONE SAYS THAT? Oh dear. Do you think someone ought to tell him?
So, balls flapping in the wind out hero returns once more to the filthy sewage laden outlet. It's like someone installed one of those mods
You know the ones I mean.
Still, this time he's able to crawl the way up into the giant secret room, diverting briefly to finish off the "Recover your equipment" quest that was also conveniently in this location. Less convenient is the fact that whoever had the foresight to store his magic items in this incredibly convenient spot didn't include any pants. Let's take a look at the situation.
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
>Inv
You have a sword, a pair of gauntlets, and a torch. You are wearing absolutely NOTHING.
>Wear gauntlets.
If you think it'll help....
>Use super special echolocation powers
You are not the goddamn Batman
>Fine. Use torch.
It is now light. You are less likely to be eaten by a grue.
>Look
Oh hey, it's your girlfriend and giant honking dragon. Good luck with that.
Proving that if there's one thing better than one wildly improbable coincidence to futher the plot it's ALL THE WILDLY IMPROBABLE COINCIDENCES, turns out this was where Binty was heading as well. The secret underground septic tank in which the mystery dragon was being kept. Which just got emptied when she turned up by yet another wildly improbable coincidence.
At this point I wouldn't be surprised if all the villains suddenly dropped dead of heart attacks or brain embolism. Frankly it would be about as believable as everything else going on here, but whatever. Let's just run with it and see where it goes.
Badly. Seeing as how the dragon is waking up there is only one logical course of action for a brave hero to take. Knock her out, dump her body down the toilet and run for it.
And they say romance is dead.
I would say that this plan also goes badly, but let's face it, being butt naked and surrounded by soldiers is kind of a thing for this guy. This time though he rolls a natural 20 on his bluff check and escapes. Leaving the squad of innocent recruits to die a horrible death when an angry dragon comes to fucking kill them.
Still, our main characters are at long last reunited thanks to the powers of domestic violence. All that now remains is for the hero to find a quiet spot to clean up, and then he can murder his bride and steal her precious amniotic fluid.
SSSLLLLUUURRRRRPPPPP.
Why, what did you think was going to happen?
See, Jigglypuff has a plan. And that plan involves using the ick from a dragon egg to brew poison. As apparently alchemy works like that. So, obviously the sensible thing would be to send a guy who's totally obsessed with sexing the target up rather than killing them. And then having them run off to the sex caves where he'll be able to collect his thoughts in a rational manner. Because that's what sexing magic does.
So, yeah. Shockingly he can't bring himself to kill her. I know. I didn't see it coming either. But now the birthing time is finally upon us. Time to get that baby out. But how?
Logically there's only way to assist with the difficult process of hatching a sentient fire breathing magical lizard from a crystal embedded in a womans stomach.
WITH YOUR PENIS.
Yeah. He sit's there, looking at this poor woman wracked with pain as she attempts to birth a giant lizard and think's to himself "Yup. Gonna fuck that baby outta you". So he does.
I told you this was not going to be pleasant.
Now, this part was, I admit, somewhat confusing. After all, the book says that he fucks her until the egg pops out. But WHERE? I mean, the usual passage is experiencing heavy traffic if you know what I mean. Does she poop it out at the moment of orgasm? Puke it up? Could this scene BE any more german?
But later on it is revealed what actually happened. We don't need to freak out at all because it just shot straight out her navel.
That's gonna leave a mark.
Oh yeah, that's SO MUCH BETTER. Bare in mind that before this the egg had grown to the size that the poor woman looked like she was having TRIPLETS. Still, at least she's got enough excess skin hanging down to wrap it around and keep her guts in.
But, you know, free dragon. So I guess that's a result. Even if the first thing it does is eat their horse.
So they're stuck in a cave, in the middle of nowhere with no transport, no equipment, no clothes and only a gaping abdominal wound and ravenous monster between them. Where do you go from here?
Apparently, we're going to WAR.
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