Pornguard Final Amendment: A Grand Declaration Of Rape

War.... War never changes™.

Although in this particular case the preparations may seem a little... Unconventional. What with all the boning..

Pop quiz! Which one is giving the hand job, and which one is receiving it?

So, yeah. In our last installment the heroine birthed a creature the size of a small cow through her navel and this was somehow meant to be erotic. SPOILER ALERT! It wasn't. And then afterwards...

Obviously the first thing you'd do after such an experience was get straight into training for a military coup. Never mind about the terrifying mediacal implications of spraying your guts over a cave wall or the fact that you know have enough excess skin around your midsection to fashion an impromtu wingsuit.

And, for the first time ever, the batnipples are appropriate.

Now I don't really know what a lady goes through after giving birth, so there's a chance I may be coming off as a trifle insensitive here. But that's only because I'm a boy and girls are icky. But luckily I'm not the only one with a fairly limited grasp of the biological implications, for our plucky heroine is soon up and about thanks to the magic tampax.

Specifically, through the magic of a stereotypical tampon advert montage. Running through fields, jumping, dancing. The only reason she didn't go horse riding was the fact that the first the dragon did after being born was eat the damn horse. Bloody thing probably ate the tennis rackets as well. You know what dragons are like.

Anyway, being back to physical perfection we can now resume training for the rebellion. Which, to be fair only seems to consist of about 50 - 60% rampant sex boning. The rest of the time their talking about their feelings..Which, judging by the evidence consists primarily of the phrase "I feel really horny".

Let us however be fair. It's actually really nice that the book takes time to have the characters stop staring hungrily at each others crotches long enough to try and work out if they have any basis for a relationship beyond the mandated sexual tension that normally occupies three quarters of the page count. So, you know, bonus points for character development.

"Character" Development. If you know what I mean?

Anyway, it's not quite ALL boning. We get a bit more exposition as well. For example, did you know that the mystical dragon love caves have a particular shape? No? Let me illustrate, via the medium of other peoples webcomics.

If you don't know where this is from then please turn in your internet licence.

Yeah.... The queen dragon has apparently been using this to communicate with the other Dragons over the sea. You know, the ones that nobody knew about until now. And what has she been sending over to them? PORN. LOT'S AND LOT'S OF PORN.

Because it turns out that's basically what this whole dragon bonding thing is all about. They themselves apparently don't have any real emotions or whatever and thus the only way they get to feel anything is by bonding with a human. Kind of like the Borg, only obsessed with cocks.

We will add your biological and erotic distinctiveness to our own.

I'm not kidding about the cocks part by the way. That's how the point is proved. With Binty touching Darth Rapeface in a personal place and distracting the poor thing whilst it's off fishing. Special offer on cocktease today only, two for the price of one!

And thus, whilst everyone is distracted thinking about cocks, the Empire Stikes Back!

DA DA DA DADA DAA DADA DAA.... Only with dragons.

So just like that everybody has to put their pants back on and get back to the plot. Or, as it turns out, re-enact the battle of Endor. Starring Darth Rapeface as Mostly Han Solo but then Luke Skywalker a bit later and Binty McStretchmarks as Nien Numb. That's right. SHE'S NOT EVEN LANDO.

Plus, when you think about it, this is what she looks like naked now.

So yeah. She hides behind a rock in the cave like R2 in the last special edition, allegedly to pilot her dragon vs the Emperors one. Meanwhile Darth leads the assault on the Imperial bunker. No, seriously, he does. His job is to get to the Imperial camp via the medium of Ewok log traps.

I don't know if this happened in the book, but was sure as hell happening in my mind.

Once the deflector shield is down he then switches from Han to Luke and confronts the Emperor using a primitive form of Lightsaber known colloquially as a "Big Honking Sword".

Whilst he's busy doing all the actual work Binty get's captured by Stormtroopers and the whole Dragon battle thing doesn't go exactly swimmingly. What with it being, quite literately a battle between an infant and a giant 100 year old mystical death lizard.

So, basically this. With Dragons.

However the big bad dragon seems a little distracted, and not quite trying properly to kill the good one. Is that because it's only the Evil Emperors evilness that's making him do it? Or is it maybe the GIANT SCALY ERECTION IT'S SPORTING?

Oh god. Suddenly, as the furiously battling reptiles crash to the ground everyone realizes it. They weren't fighting. They were FLIRTING. And so with a mighty cry of "WHOA!! TOO YOUNG!!" The battle comes to a sudden and rather awkward halt.

Tip of the day. Never type the words "too young" into google image search. Only with dragons?

Okay.... So luckily for everyone involved Darth Rapeface managed to capture the Emperor in the confusion, thus distracting his dragon before it could go all NAMBLA. Do Dragons have NAMBLA? DAMBLA? I dunno. Anyway, nobody has sex with an infant. So, you know.... Result?

Anyway, then a whole bunch of random Dragons show up and it's time for the exposition showdown!

So... Turns out that after the whole exploding guts and mind sharing parts of the dragon bonding thing comes the body swapping part.

Yes. This. Only with dragons. OBVIOUSLY.

That's the end point for the process, the ultimate goal. Because reasons. Or something. Anyway, the Emperor has been avoiding doing that for the past hundred years because he's a massive douche, thus driving himself and his dragon mental. Well, more mental than they were to start with anyway. The Dragon was only going to rape the infant Queen to death to spite him for being a tool.

Yeah.....  Anyway.

So even though he's captured, and being a dragon would clearly be awesome the Emperor still refuses to swap. So the dragon sets him on fire. Well, him and our intrepid hero who's currently restraining him. But luckily for us it's already been established he's mostly fireproof.

CHEKOV'S GUN MUTHA FUCKERS!

Anyway, he's probably got spare eyebrows and stuff back home. So now the Emperor has the choice of dying as a crispy fried corpse or being a goddamn dragon. Eventually he chooses dragon. But he still has to think about it, because there is something wrong with his brain.

So, they swap souls. And obviously this heals the crispy fried Emperor body because really, why wouldn't it? So now the dragon is in the Emperors old body, and the Emperor is trapped in a dragon body that's flopping around like a bug in Skyrim. Then, in order to give this touching scene of redemption a fitting climax the Dragon grabs Darth Rapefaces +1 sword of dragon slaying and stabs his old body through the head. Then, pausing only to declare "Because Reasons!" he promptly keels over and dies himself.

Ummm.... Okay?

All the other random dragons who had turned up then get bored and go home, leaving only the queen. Who is all like "well, your turn now". And darth Rapeface is, quite obviously all like:

Binty however is quite prepared for this. She knew it was coming, she knows it's necessary and unavoidable. She gives the great speech about how bad her plan was, how she didn't really know what the hell she was doing and how doing this is going to be the best thing for everyone, what with wanting to avoid that whole going crazy and oppressing everyone thing.

But then they're all like "BUT....WUV!!!" so she doesn't.

GODDAMNIT

And then they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Thank you for playing.