So, since I'm quite sure no one else on the internet has thought of this joke yet, I present a script extract, which is definitely real and not just the overwrought product of my own personal biases. Should I have the time and inclination I may reveal more scenes another time..
Scene 1: Prologue
Exterior, Dawn. The sun rises majestically over the fields of AZEROTH. In the distance, haloed by the rising sun we see a silhouetted figure, running towards the camera.
Over the next hour or so the figure runs towards the camera, eventually coming close enough that we recognize the mighty hero DEATHKILL AXESLAY69. A mighty human warrior. He is played by some generic noname hollywood prettyboy. He looks fucking knackered, having just run 5 miles to get the tiny hamlet now revealed as the camera pans around.
A few people stand aimlessly outside their houses. Nobody moves. AT ALL.
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 looks straight into the camera
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: (out of breath) "It's...."
Cue the dramatic titles. There is no doubt lots of fire and swooping over dramatically rendered words.
Scene 2: Scene 1
exterior, day. DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 stands in the middle of the VILLAGE, bent over, hands on knees, wheezing like an asthmatic phone pervert trying to get his breath back. No one moves to help him, or even talk to him. However the VILLAGE ELDER keeps looking meaningfully in his direction.
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 goes over to the MERCHANT. The MERCHANT has a table with various weapons and pieces of armour on. They are all slightly better than what DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 currently has. He picks up a SLIGHTLY LESS RUSTY SWORD and compares it to the RUSTY SWORD he currently carries.
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: (overacting) "Why, this blade is clearly marginally less crap! My good sir, how much to purchase this fine weapon?"
MERCHANT: "Five hundred gold pieces"
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "oh"
He pulls out his purse and empties out into his hand. There are 3 silver coins.
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "oh"
He puts the sword back down, turns around, and slowly walks off like a sulking child.
The VILLAGE ELDER is still obviously trying to catch DEATHKILL AXESLAY69s attention.
Eventually DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 wanders over to the VILLAGE ELDER. As soon as he comes within a few feet the VILLAGE ELDER suddenly begins talking, even though up to now he hasn't made a fucking sound.
VILLAGE ELDER: "Oh, Deathkill Axeslay69, thank the gods you're here. Our village is beset by a terrible plague, and only you can help us!"
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "I'm not actually a Doctor you know"
VILLAGE ELDER: "We..."
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: (like this is a Major Revelation) "I'm a WARRIOR!"
VILLAGE ELDER: "We.."
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "I hit things with my sword"
VILLAGE ELDER "We..."
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "That's why they call me DEATHKILL AXESLAY69!"
VILLAGE ELDER: "What? Why? How....? Never mind. The point is we need you to help us gather the ingredients we need to make a potion that will cure the sick"
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "Right. But why don't you guys just go get the ingredients?"
VILLAGE ELDER: "We're... Uh... Very busy."
There is a moment of uncomfortable silence. As ever the villagers simply stand unmoving outside their huts. A bird cries, some tumbleweed blows past.
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "Oh. Okay. Doing what?"
VILLAGE ELDER: "Errrm... Taking care of the sick?"
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "Everyone looks healthy"
VILLAGE ELDER: "Oh the sick people are in the huts."
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "But everybody's outside. How do you take care of the sick people?"
VILLAGE ELDER: "Oh, we can't go in the huts, we might get sick too. They're in quarantine. Yeah, that's it."
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "Oh. Okay. That sounds plausible I guess"
VILLAGE ELDER: "So you see why we can't go get the ingredients ourselves?"
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "Yeah. Okay, what's this potion made of then?"
VILLAGE ELDER: "Wolves."
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "Come again?"
VILLAGE ELDER: "Wolves. You know, the ravening bloodthirsty predators that aimlessly mill about the moors when they're not devouring hapless adventurers?"
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 stares at the VILLAGE ELDER with a slightly troubled expression.
VILLAGE ELDER: "Don't worry, it's not like we need a whole one. Just the feet."
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "The feet?"
VILLAGE ELDER: "Yeah. That's only a little bit of wolf, so logically it can't be as dangerous as hunting a whole one."
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: (still worried) "Okay....."
VILLAGE ELDER: "Good man. Now off you trot and get us fifteen wolf paws"
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "FIFTEEN! But... That's.... Like.... THREE whole wolves!!"
VILLAGE ELDER: "And we'll give you some gold as a reward"
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69s eyes light up with dollar signs and there is an audible KA-CHING noise. He instantly turns and runs off in to the distance at top speed.
Scene 3: The moors. Or possible the woods. Moors with trees? I dunno.
Exterior, day. DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 is sneaking through the undergrowth. Up ahead we see a WOLF. It is a large terrifying creature with feral red eyes and slathering jaws. It is also fairly crappy CGI.
Carefully DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 sneaks towards his prey. He slowly draws his sword and gets ready to pounce the lone WOLF.
The camera pans out and we see that DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 is suddenly surrounded by about six extra wolves.
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "ummm..."
The wolves attack. There is a fast and dramatic battle as DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 struggles against the wolves. Lots of rapid jump cuts fail to disguise the fact that he's just spazzing out in front of a greenscreen. This goes on for 10 or fifteen minutes until eventually the last WOLF lies dead.
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69 stands over a pile of mangled dog meat, covered in bite marks, cuts, wounds, blood and bits of entrails.
For some reason there is a bottle of red liquid on the ground, as well as a large staff and a small pile of coins.
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: (overacting) "Victory is mine! Now to collect the precious wolf paws and save the village! That ambush was tough, but now I'll have more than enough paws to save...."
His monologue peters off as he looks down on the corpses to see that all the wolves have 4 peg legs. Maybe one even has an eye patch.
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "WHAT THE F....?!?!"
Madly he scrabbles through the bodies looking for a non prosthetic limb. There are none. However one wolf (the one with the eye patch) has a pouch round it's neck containing a single perfectly preserved wolf paw.
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.............."
Suddenly 7 WOLVES appear around him.
DEATHKILL AXESLAY69: "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU............"
The WOLVES attack.
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