In the expanded universe of books and comics Fett has gone on to become a sort of unkillable anti hero. All powerful, near omniscient and emitting some sort of radiation that degrades everyone else nearby to the levels of a gibbering simpleton, there are few, if any, characters that can survive being in the same story with even a shred of dignity intact. It's not, however, just the fact that so much of these subsequent stories comprise atrociously written fanwank wish fulfilment that really gets to me however.
It's the fact that, judging by the original source material Boba Fett is an incompetent moron.
Boba Fett of course first appeared in the Star Wars Holiday Special. Whilst it makes a useful argument against the existence of god, I doubt you'll find many people ready to declare the holiday special canon. Personally I have a suspicion it was produced by time travelling George Lucas in a vain attempt to make the prequels look less shit. But I digress.
Canonically speaking we first see Boba Fett in The Empire Strikes Back. Darth Vader having presumably gotten some Bounty Hunters out of one of those cosmic vending machines they have in Godzilla Island.
They really have these in space Japan
And it's here at his very first appearance that the warning signs begin to appear. Since of all the various scum and villainy on display, who's the one that Darth Vader feels compelled to specifically remind NOT to fuck up?
Yeah. Fett. "No Disintegrations" Think about that for a second. Here is a man who allegedly makes his living hunting bounties. That is bringing in his targets dead or alive. Now disintegrated certainly sits up there on the dead end of the spectrum, however it doesn't exactly score very highly on the verifiable evidence end, does it? It's basically the one method guaranteed to destroy any evidence that you've actually done your job. That small pile of ash could be anybody, and I can't really see Jabba The Hutt paying out the big bucks for a cremation urn with no guarantees that the target hasn't just gone into hiding and is plotting revenge. That frankly sounds like asking for a one way ticket to the Rancors' colon.
But let's move on. After establishing that the paying client doesn't actually trust him to the job, Fett and the other bounty hunters depart on their mission. Or at least the other Bounty Hunters do. Now, to be fair, it's possible that maybe yes, Fett anticipated the whole garbage escape thing, in which case he was taking a pretty big risk betting on it. It's also entirely possible he stalled the engine and only found the Falcon through pure dumb luck. That or he was to busy crying about Vader having a go at him in front of his contemporaries. Still, there is, I suppose, an element of doubt at this stage over whether his successful pursuit was the result of actual skill or sheer uselessness. Cast in the light of every other action he performs over the course of the remaining story I think it's fairly safe to assume which side of the debate my opinion lies.
So anyway, he tails the Falcon to Cloud City and performs a daring single handed capture of Han Solo and company. Oh wait, no, that's not what happened at all, is it. He tails them to Cloud City and then calls the Empire in to do all the work for him like a sniveling little bitch. Who is it who effects the capture of the rebels? Darth motherfucking Vader that's who. Hell, even the STORMTROOPERS do a better job here. They infiltrate the city, hideout, and even manage to actually blast a main character, even if it is only C-3PO. When you're being outperformed by the fodder then you really need to re-assess your life.
Still, Fett leaves the actual work in the hands of the grown ups, and things go well. And then in the carbon freeze chamber he once more shows his impeccable good judgement by talking back to Darth "choke you like a bitch" Vader. A man famed for killing anyone who even thinks about disagreeing with him. Smart move. Quite why Vader doesn't snap him in half at this stage I'm not sure, but I have a few theories.
1 - It's nice to have someone around who makes the Stormtroopers seem competent
2 - You are so far beneath my notice I can't even be bothered to kill you
3 - I have foreseen your death, and it's fucking hilarious.
Personally, I'm going with a combination of all 3. Anyway, Shit goes down (as shit is wont to do) and the Rebels escape!! Oh Noes!! Luckily the great bounty hunter Boba Fett is there to recapture them.
Oh wait, that's not what happens is it? Having been handed his bounty without even lifting a finger himself (perhaps we should add 4 - Gives good head?) Fett does a runner. Exits stage left, scarpers post haste, chickens out, flees, "strategically" retreats, fucks off and gets the hell out of dodge. You could say "takes the money and runs", but I think maybe "takes the money and runs to the dry cleaners" might be more appropriate. So now we're basically one film appearance down and he hasn't even successfully shot at anybody yet. I'm kind of wondering at what point I'm supposed to be impressed.
Still, it's nothing compared to what is to come. You know what I'm talking about don't you? Still, we'll get to that soon enough.
So, Return Of The Jedi. Hanging around Jabba's palace, milking his new found notoriety and reward money for all the cheap booze and hookers he can get. I don't know what story he fed Jabba, but I doubt "Darth Vader did it all for me and the I ran away" featured particularly prominently. It's of course worth noting that in this time Jabba's palace was infiltrated by a certain Mr Calrissian. A man who not only has he seen before, but he's HAD DINNER WITH!
Also he's the only black man in the galaxy
And so to the money shot as it were. The crowning glory of hapless incompetence that finally seals his fate. Let's watch shall we?
Appears at 2:07, exists at 2:50. And that includes the time it took to roll all the way down.
And I bet he thought the jetpack looked so cool. Here's a tip: if you're using a method of transportation that lurches into action at a slight impact to the rear you better be sitting on horse. Tying unstable rockets to your person in a misguided attempt to impress the ladies will only result in hideous burns AT BEST.
It's also worth noting that a little later in that sequence a nameless flunk shoots at Luke AND ACTUALLY HITS. See? That's what you do with guns. You stand back and use them at range. Like some sort of... Ranged Weapon? Especially when confronted by an opponent wielding a deadly melee weapon. Like a fucking lightsaber. So anyway, by the time the trilogy has wrapped up Stormtoopers have a higher body count, nameless flunkies have a better accuracy and the only things Boba Fett actually did was Suck and Die. It's funny when you think about it, because there's another comparable character to Boba Fett. One who only gets through his appearance by a strange combination of stupidity, incompetence and dumb luck. One who also fills the role of comic relief without ever actually being funny. You know who I'm talking about don't you?
Boba Fett is the Jar Jar Binks of the original trilogy.
Spot the difference
There, I said it. It's almost ironic that the only real difference is that one dies and everyone wishes they didn't, whereas the other didn't and everybody wishes they would. Though I suppose there is the issue of the armor to be addressed.
Because that, at the end of the day, is the crux of the matter. It doesn't matter that Fett displayed not one single iota of skill, cunning or the slightest competence at even mundane tasks. It doesn't matter that the only thing he did on screen was suck harder than a cheap Thai sexbot gone wrong. Because he looked cool whilst doing it. The armour IS Boba Fett. That's all there is to the character. He's just an empty suit that stands in the corner looking vaguely menacing, waiting for fanboys to project themselves into. Which, since he lacks any characteristics whatsoever is easy enough to do. It's the other difference between him and Jar Jar. "It is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt" as the saying goes. So whilst Jar Jars irritating incompetence is very much thrust in your face, Fetts sits in the background. And most people are to busy looking at his armour to notice. His popularity is based on looking cool rather than actually doing anything. Like some sort of reality tv "star" in space, he's popular BECAUSE he's popular. Famous for being famous. But that's what's remembered, what's noticed. Despite failing in basically every conceivable way at his job he LOOKS like he should be badass, and so is. Basically by default. You remember when Yoda said "size matters not"? Boba Fett is the very antitheses of that sentiment. He is merely a self perpetuating myth with no real basis in the facts of his original performance.
History however is written by the winners. And Boba Fett ALWAYS wins. That in itself is why I hate him. Of all the characters from Star Wars to be given an expanded backstory (I.E. everyone and everything that's ever appeared onscreen down the very grains of sand) his is easily the most at odds with what is portrayed on screen.
