Oh yeah, the plot was almost happening. Mysterious flowers were showing mysteriously in place where one would not normally expect such things, AMNESIA!!! was still happening, and certain characters were in need of clean underwear.
So where do we go from there? To a garden party of course! This is faux romantic faux Victorian times after all. It's what you DO in those situations. Characters trapped in these sort of narratives have garden parties the way normal breathe. You kind of have to wonder how it is they get so rich. All they do is go to balls and parties and galas and shit. Or maybe a whole chapter of 19th century banking regulations just isn't crotch tremblingly romantic enough.
Though no doubt there's someone who likes that type of thing.
So yeah, Darth Junior heads of to YET ANOTHER garden party. And of course because he's SO HANDSOME everyone goes for him. Everyone of course except the one person he's there to actually
Can I just ask, do women REALLY go from "I'm really not sure about this guy" to "bring me a change of underwear and a mop" THAT quickly? THAT frequently? And with complete asshole strangers? I mean, I'm a guy and thus genetically programed to fuck anything that doesn't move and chase anything that does, and I really don't know that even I'd go for this sort of behaviour after meeting someone, what? 3 times?
And I'm desperate.
But no, it's all melting and aching in pretty short order.
See, this is melting. What you're doing is different.
At least until they're interrupted by sex grunts from the bushes. I mean, it IS a party after all. Of course that doesn't really help the situation, but luckily god is on our side, and he sends a mighty storm to preserve Binteenas precious virginity. At least for a few more chapters. However THIS IS NO ORDINARY STORM, and apparently it aggravates Juniors crazy and evil™, so he legs it rather than attempting to consummate his detective work in a secluded, if damp, location.
Just as well, wouldn't want to catch anything. Well, anything else. God only ones whats crawling around in his crotch. A thousand years of straight pimping is going to leave a mark if you know what I mean. And I mean syphilis.
Fleeing from the voices in his head (coward) for the relative safety of his throat wobbler mangrove our hero is accosted by a travelling band of Renfield wannabes. And by "accosted" I mean "he throws them off a building but they're fine because they're crazy or something? I guess?". Anyway, despite the fact that Renfield³ should be suffering from a chronic case of broken legs syndrome they caper around in their lovably crazy fashion and escort Junior off to see..... The Dark Bride (of darkness)!!! Luckily they have a dark coach (of darkness) because despite the brave face their putting on I really don't think they're up to the walk.
So the Dark Dark Renfields take the Dark Dark Coach to the Dark Dark Reservoir. And there we meet the Dark Dark Bride, and not some skeletons. Not a big skeleton, not a little skeleton, not even a dog skeleton.
The true face of fear
So here at last we meet the Dark Dark Bride Of Darkness. A powerful nasty type whose hobbies include chopping up people and throwing the bits in the river and being the voice in your head that tells you kill stuff.
Oh, and she LIKES being ordered about apparently. Call me old fashioned, but that's not really a quality I look for in malevolent mass murdering masterminds. I'd say it's time for a lengthy monologue of plot exposition, but really, what do we learn? Aside from the part about her somehow being a voice in juniors head, we don't get anything here. The Renfields are your minions? REALLY? I'd never had guessed. What's that you say, you're a bad person? Well fuck me, that's news. Hold the front page.
The only other nugget we get here really is that she, like EVERY OTHER WOMAN IN THE BOOK SO FAR, clearly fancies Junior. Only he's not evil enough yet, so she fucks off.
Yeah. Just like that. You'd think that being confronted with an evil mastermind type out hero would take some sort of action. For example ANYTHING. I mean, he allegedly sold his soul in return for the power to take down the most nastiest nasty in the history of nastiness. So does he try any of that here? Like maybe that whole paralyzing the bad guy using only your mind routine from the "climactic" battle of the previous book?
No. Of course not. He instead goes swimming in pursuit of a balloon full of ginger beer, which if I'm honest does sound like a more productive use of his time.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch.... Binteena is having a restless night. I'm not sure why, she's had plenty of time to attend to herself, mop up afterwards and get the rubber pants. Maybe it's the dairy products in her bedclothes again. Anyway, she goes for a wander into some mysterious mist that's just hanging around inside the house. You know, as it does.
This looks safe...
After briefly venturing into an impenetrable bank of suspicious vapour she suddenly realizes that maybe this is not such a good idea. Most people could have suggested this before nearly getting lost in it, but hey, whatever. She's adventurous, remember? Anyway, she successfully makes it back to her room only to find that someone has ripped up all the papers that were locked safely in her bag! Because she left the key behind or something!
You know, the bag that they had previously put a mysterious flower in without needing a key to access. The bag that is, at the end of the day, A BAG, and not really quite on the same level of security that's actually scissors proof.
Not that I suppose evil burglars carry scissors. I mean, what if they had to run away?
Anyway, time waits for no man, and the light dawns upon yet another day. No doubt somebody somewhere is arranging a garden party as we speak. But, after an encounter with his officially appointed nemesis, where would we find our intrepid hero?
Why, proposing marriage of course.
That's right, you heard me. The ultimate gigolo of darkness has decided to settle down. After a courting period of..... Let's be generous and say 2, maybe 3 HOURS. Funeral, picnic, garden party, marriage. makes perfect sense. I know that there's meant to be this whole thing of women wanting to tame a bad boy, but this is really pushing it. Shouldn't they at least put SOME effort in? Or is the fantasy really to change a man by simply existing somewhere nearby?
Well, whatever. despite actually pointing out that they barely know each other, Binteena naturally agrees, and there is much rejoicing. Apart from, of course, EVERY OTHER FEMALE CHARACTER IN THE BOOK, who receive the news with stony faced disbelief and thinly veiled contempt. I can feel the Cinderella engines revving even as we speak.
So, Junior plans to get married within a few days and then bugger off on his boat while buggering his bride in pursuit of the mystic scrolls of plot device. The secret of which Binteena will no doubt reveal once confronted with the phallus of truth. But it's okay because he really does love her, and there is no way that this ludicrously rushed courtship could end in acrimonious and bitter divorce. I mean, on all past experience that hardly seems likely does it?
I hate to point it out, but this is why they invented sex before marriage.
Anyway, after becoming engaged to woman he met maybe a week ago (it might be a bit longer, there is all that AMNESIA!!! to take into account) Junior then immediately fucks off about his business. After all, special arrangements for the shotgun wedding must be carried out with all haste. Anything rather than spend any more time in the presence of the woman you are now actually marrying. On the way out of the door as fast as he can possibly go he's picked up by K9, who brings news. Firstly there's going to be an autopsy for the various bits of hooker that have washing up lately. So not so much an autopsy as a human flesh lego session. Secondly he really thinks you should buy a house.
Why? Well... Because it has a pond?
Will any of this become relevant? Will Binteena realise what an obviously terrible mistake she's making? Will the wicked stepmother sell her off for dog meat in a fit of jealous rage? Will anyone actually care?
Find out the answers to these and other thrilling questions.... Sometime. Maybe. It might even be next installment, though I wouldn't hold your breath.
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