Shockingly enough things start out quite promising. Exterior, Himalaya, night. SOMETHING is happening. Theres some intriguing business with a paranoid crazy professor who holds the mysterious twin scrolls of ultimate plot device and a mysterious THEM who are coming to get us Barbara.
All your scrolls are belong to us
Professor McCrazy tells his Daughter to leg it back to civilisation and tell everyone he's dead. Quite how she's supposed to achieve this when the whole expedition is stranded in the Himalayas and about to be attacked by giant ants is not explained as we then immediately crash into the main titles:
SO STILL THE NIGHT
A Crushing Your Sanity Production
Dun dun dunnn.... And we open onto the scene of a rather hungover Darth Junior being poked with a stick. Why is he so hungover? Who is poking him? Is it definitely just a stick? Why am I asking these stupid questions instead of just telling you? All will be revealed in the next sentence. Because he hit his head on the plot and and now has AMNESIA, Sanchos secretary from the last book, yes, because I'm feeling melodramatic. In that order.
Seems that, in a shocking coincidence poor old Darth has been seeking the fabled scrolls of plot device after reading about them on a post it not on an ancient scroll in the last book. It may not have been actually mentioned at the time, but he totally did, so deal with it. And he was even pursuing Professor McCrazy and company. But then..... AMNESIA!!! Now it's 3 months later, oh noes. It's not all bad news though. See, there's a reason the secretary of darkness isn't trying to kill our troubled hero for being officially crazy and evil™. Seems that the portals have closed, and can't be reopened. Not even by hosting a Mortal Kombat tournament.
Finish me
So this means that Sancho and Binto are stuck on the other side. RESULT!!! We don't have to put with either of those vapid muppets mooning over each other and surreptitiously touching themselves. In the absence of orders from on high and unburdened by the neccisity of following anyone around with a mop and a bucket the heroic secretary has taken it upon himself to kick start the plot. Someones got to do it. So we off we trot to the fake funeral of Professor McCrazy, where we once more meet the young and attractive (of course) Miss McCrazy. And her rich (of course) relatives. Ever notice how in these things everyones ALWAYS packed of to live with their rich relatives? It's alway lord and lady something or other. Never Brian the cobbler. So we get Lord something or other, his trophy wife, and a pair of vapid trophy daughters. I have no idea of any of them will be relevant in the future, and frankly I don't much care at this stage. My money is on some sort of Cinderella ugly stepsister type bullshit kicking off at some point.
So anyway, Darthy boy crashes the funeral and it's at this point that any hope I may have had for getting a story this time around comes crashing down in a series of longling glances as tingly sensations. THESE TWO ARE GOING TO FUCK. Darth intoduces himself to our young Binto in waiting AND THEY'RE SO GOING TO FUCK and tries to find out about the scrolls LIKE FUCKING WILDEBEEST. He even gives her a special present AND THERE WILL BE A MIGHTY HUMPING of a picture of her dear old dad and a mysteriously blurred out figure that so obviously not him ALL NIGHT LONG BABY at all. Now Binteena here knows full well that various dodgy parties A FRANTIC POUNDING OF LOINS WILL COMMENCE are after these scrolls, but crumbles somewhat under the force of Juniors raw sexual power. Because, you know, THEY'RE GOING TO FUCK AT SOME POINT. So she tells him that the scrolls are "with father" so he quite naturally goes graverobbing. As you do. Bear in mind that the funeral has only just finished. Like, a minute ago. He doesn't wait for the witnessess to disperese, let alone night to fall. As graverobbing strategies go it's not quite plan 9, you know?
So he shadowy shadow things his way into the crypt, but Binteenas spider sense is tingling so she heads back to the crypt as well. Since he's being a shadowy shadow thing she can't really see him, but she manages to shoot him anyway. Then everyone goes home. I mean, first they ignore the obvious signs of a break in such as the coffin nails all over the floor, but then after that they go home.
So gang, it looks like we have another mystery on our hands. The scrolls are missing, along with the dead bastard who apparently has them. I mean, he's not really dead, but thats what makes him such a bastard. And only one person knows the secret. Well, junior will find out everything, even if he has to pull the secrets out of her vagina with his bare penis. In fact, especially if he he has to do that, in accordence with the prophecies.
It is, as the saying goes, rapey time.
Personally I can't help but feel he's going about this the wrong way. Maybe you could, I dunno, TALK to the girl? But no. Getting shot has given him a funny feeling in his trouser department, and we're all invited along for the ride. Lucky us.
So, as part of his no doubt hideously convulted umpteen step plan to rummage in someones drawers he fixes it so his horse breaks down on the road, thus getting a lift with Binteena and her rich relatives. I mean, what could go wrong? ASide from the obvious fact that they could just drive straight past you without even noticing? Even assuming you did get ahead of them on the road? But whatever. Since all the rich people obviously know each other he of course gets offered a ride, and oh good he fucked the trophy wife at some point in the distant past. Yay. Of course everyone fancies him, except of course Binteena who is somewhat distrustful yet aroused and OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN.
Anyway... Junior does a bit of socia; inraciating in order to facilate the coming rapeterogation, but has to fuck off home before midnight since his crazy and evil™ is acting up a bit. Can't forget about the whole crazt and evil™ thing. So, you need to head back to your boat in order to sail out away from everyone in order to reign in your crazy and evil™, what would you say is the logical course of action?
If you answered go to the pub, congratulations. Go straight to the top of the class and jump off. Right, so at the pub he get's jumped by the countess von bitchy? Who basically just kicks him, tells him she wants someone to tell her to kill him and the fucks off. Which is..... a little odd. Why do it in the pub? Why do it all? If you want a fight, just have one. I don't know why everyones so upset about the whole crazy and evil™ thing. I mean, it's not like he's suffered any ill effects so far, right?
Well, except now when he get X-ray vision.
You wish you were this cool
Yeah, suddenly he sees everyone's skeleton for a minute. Then he goes outside and it stops. I suppose there was the whole voices thing telling him to eat prostitutes, but that's normal. Everybody gets those.
Right?
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