Strangely appropriate somehow...
Well, it turns out we go to the autopsy. Pausing only briefly to buy the entire street where the fish pond is located. THE WHOLE STREET. For a pond. Remember this, it will become important later.
Thence to the department of pickled whore scrapings. Which is basically all they've got. Just a few bits in jars. However luckily some of the bits were wrapped up in scraps of clothing, and can thus confirm that the bits definitely all come from that suicidal whore we bumped into a while back.
What? It's not like other people could could have been wearing similar clothes. The label in her underpants said so. Well, it didn't, but she probably bought the clothes second hand. We know this because a: the dark intuition of darkness tells us so and b: did you really expect anything else? Naturally of course at the show e bump into Bitchy again. If you'll remember she's investigating this whole chopped up bodies case. It's funny when you think about, so far she's actually done worse at this than Junior did when he was meant to be catching Jack, thus causing the whole of the first book (thanks so much for that by the way). But does she get replaced? No. She just gets to potter around doing..... whatever the hell it is she's doing. I suspect it's something along the lines of trying to avoid being in the book as much as possible.
Anyway, Junior brings news! Surely this will help her investigation?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOt exactly.
No. Already know all that. Yeah, I know who the killer is, and her minions. We've met. Hell, we go bowling together.
EXCUSE ME?!?!
So, after spending all this buggering around it turns out you know full well who's doing all the killing? And you've even MET THEM SEVERAL TIMES??? Did it not perhaps occur to you on one of those occasions to, say, DO YOUR FUCKING JOB AND SLOT THE BITCH??!?!!!! If you'd just done that to start with you wouldn't have to worry about hiding from the plot. There would be no plot. We could have skipped this whole book and gone home. I could be of playing Guild Wars or masturbating or something.
Maybe both
But no. You know what Bitchy? FUCK YOU. I don't like you anymore. Go hang with your suddenly and entirely randomly introduced for no discernible reason ancient cult of mystical elite space vampires who so incredibly hardcore that they are currently achieving NOTHING USEFUL AT ALL. Seriously, I have no idea where they came from, but they can fucking well go back there.
Moving on, it's suddenly the wedding day. It may or may not be literally 5 minutes later, I'm not actually sure. It may as well be for all the time taken over the arrangements. Seriously, does nobody else think that getting married like, next week, is a bad idea?
Well, all the other females do, however that's only because they're jealous. Really. Aunty dearest even tells Binteena, literally 2 minutes before the ceremony, that Junior is only marrying Binteena because he's punishing Aunty for marrying Lord Something Or Other and.......
I get it. All women are evil. Like, supervillain evil. They enact ridiculously convoluted schemes of vengeance against each other for even the slightest thing. They view emotions as weapons and feed on the suffering of broken hearted men. But seriously? You are not fooling anyone but yourself here deary. There is one, and only one reason Junior is marrying Binteena. A nice simple reason, that no woman, with their labyrinthine masterplans of emotional blackmail, could ever hope to understand.
He just wants to fuck her.
That's it. A scheme such as your proposing is completely outside the scope of the male psyche. We are simply genetically incapable of considering anything other than putting our penises in things and jiggling them around. That's it. That's as far as it goes. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE.
Here's a tip girls: if a man exists he wants to have sex with you. Never mind the talking to or looking at part.
However, Binteena has a special defensive technique to assist her. It's called "thinking about cock". And so with a metaphorical finger the wedding takes place. Well, we assume it does. We don't actually see it happen, but who are we to question these things?
It's only now that I begin to appreciate just why Junior was so compelled to rush this wedding through so quickly. It's nothing to do with his pressing need to find the scrolls of plot device (in her vagina) or even the pressing need IN HIS PANTS wink wink nudge nudge say no more. He just knew that there would be all kinds of wacky hijinks in the lead up to the big day. I'm actually almost disappointed to be spared this, it would have been hilarious watching everyone trying to put her off, and her having not one single valid defence. Well, outside of the whole hot throbbing meat lust thing.
Sadly that's all academic now. The deed is done, and all that remains is to do the deed. So let us depart for international waters, and don't forget to pack the goat. Sadly, before whatever perversions it is that require NO WITNESSES can carried out Junior collapses in a pile of crazy and evil™ and then the boat explodes.
And they all died happily ever after
Sounds lovely doesn't it? Sadly that's a slight overstatement. See, it's not so much a berzerker frenzy as a bit of a migraine. And it's not so much a mighty conflagration leaving no survivors as the engine packs in. Goddamn it.
So it's back to the estate of Lord Something Or Other, because apparently Binteena isn't QUITE finished leaching off her relatives yet. Maybe she remembered something that wasn't screwed down. That or she found a screwdriver on the boat. So maybe it was her who sabotaged the engine?
Anyway, let us take a moment to assess the situation. Juniors "plan" was to marry Binteena, and then run away. He would sail of into the sunset in order to escape the mental influence of the Dark Dark Bride Of Dark Dark Darkness, whilst simultaneously brutalising the more tender orifii of his young bride and pursuing the scrolls of plot device. But now with his boat blowed up he's trapped in London, OH NOES!!!
This being the man who, a matter of days ago bought an entire street simply because there was a particularly bitching pond there. Here's a suggestion; BUY ANOTHER BOAT, DUMBASS.
Anyway, back at the ranch Junior decides to overcome his headache enough to have a crack at boning his new trophy wife. Unfortunately the book still has a lot of pages left, so you just know this is not about to end well. Sure enough, Binteena retreats to slip into something more comfortable, seemingly unswayed by the argument that "not only will I rip your fancy undies to shreds, I will irrevocably soil them with every bodily secretion known to man, now get your ass to bed" which Junior is implying.
So she exits stage right. Junior lies back, closes his eyes, and then feels a certain degree of.... activity going on downstairs. And then Binteena comes back in to find Aunty perched atop the relevancies. And even better, she's turned Renfield!!
Feels so good on my.... Wait, what?
So then she scuttles up the wall, out the window and flees off into the night. Then her head falls off, but more on that later. You see in the ensuing battle (read minor scuffle) Juniors dark immortal nature is revealed!! Personally I don't find this half as scary as all the tortured prose I've skipped over to get this far (all that turgid groping), but some people have their own problems to deal with. Such as a glowing eyed Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator looming over you.
Lou Ferrigno would be to obvious right now
See, apparently he gets bigger and musclier as well as having scary eyes. So Binteena, in possibly the only intelligent deduction she's made thus far immediately infers that Junior is an Immortal and only interested in her Scrolls. Okay, I admit that's stretching credulity a bit, but whatever. I'm currently laughing manically as her whole world collapses.
You married a complete asshole stranger without a second thought. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? I warned you didn't I? I, and indeed anyone with the merest hint of sanity, told you this was a bad idea. But no. All you could think of was sweaty pulsating organs throbbing away. I admit that not many people could have predicted this particular scenario:
Coming next on Oprah...
But really, you've no one to blame but yourself. You made your bed, now get raped in it.
Or not, as the case may be. You may place your own bets as to the remaining page count necessary for the sexing to actually occur, but sadly it still seems rather high. So rather than the monkey sex she craves (only now secretly again) she get exposition. FINALLY. All along I've said that talking to the girl was probably a better idea than shagging the information out of her, and it appear I'm proved right. Despite the fact that she (at least from the neck up) now sort of hates him (except from the waist down) she actually manages to reveal the crucial information which, believe it or not, we have been building up to. The key to the mystery of Macguffins Plus One Scrolls Of Plot Device. The piece of data this whole farcical sequence of events has been enacted in pursuit of. The location Of Professor McCrazy himself.
She doesn't know.
Thank you and goodnight
Well, that was worth it. Plan B anybody? Hell, at this point I'd take Plan 9.
Sadly we are diverted from the sight of Junior beating his head repeatedly against the wall until all that is left is a bloody pulp as the body of Aunties dead deceased corpse washes up in the garden fountain. You know how I said her head fell off? Well that's what the police actually think.
It's no wonder they have to call in the idiots from beyond the veil every time there's a murder. I mean, seriously.
Anyway the (ex) happy couple lie their through a police interview and then depart for a hotel. After all, the abandoned, dilapidated and totally wrecked ruin with fish pond won't be ready for a couple of days. See, this is what you can do when you're not hampered by ridiculous health and safety rules or the slightest grasp of reality. Anyway, we have now advanced to the tense and acrimonious stage of the marriage. In the normal course of events this is the build up to a messy divorce, but I have a nasty feeling it is instead a clumsy prelude to a messy make up fuck. Their both in a total mood, and she's all like "I want separate rooms". But he's all like "you gonna get RAPED" and then the chapter ends. So I guess we'll just have to wait and see how that turns out.
I write like
David Foster Wallace
David Foster Wallace
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
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