Is that supposed to go there?
Emerging into the night (which I'm sure is so still, having no doubt fallen darkly) he sees a suicidal whore. Which is kind of funny when you think about it. In these books there's basically two types of female characters; Whores, and Whores Who Need A Punch In The Face. Perhaps she's realized this and is trying to get out. In order to prove to the voices in his head that he's actually quite nice once you get know him, junior stops the poor girl jumping, thus condemning her to life a dismal whorenitude in a badly written series. So, you know, enjoy. I admit he does give her his wallet, which probably seems like a great idea to anyone who'd not familiar with words like "pimp-slap".
Then he amnesias of for the next three days. So I guessed that plan worked out then.
In the meantime, would like to quote directly from the text so that you can all join me in my suffering.
"She collapsed back onto smooth sheets, buttery and delicious against her skin."
May I just say....
Not just buttery, but buttery and delicious? Has anyone, in the entire history of tortured metaphors EVER described their bedding as buttery and delicious? And meant it as a good thing? I mean, that would be like sleeping in a sandwich. It just doesn't sound pleasant AT ALL. Mashed potato can be buttery and delicious. Bedding..... No. Just no. A bed full of curdled dairy produce does not sound remotely appealing thank you. Should you ever find your sheets buttery I suggest you CHANGE THEM. Quickly, before they achieve sentience and destroy us all. Do not at any point attempt to taste them. It will not end well.
There's probably something else that happened in there, but I really can't get a grip on it. Possibly since it's so buttery. Let us then ignore our alleged heroines questionable standards of personal hygiene, and return Darth Junior, who despite all his faults is at least not coated in dairy produce. Yet. The rohypnol should have worn of by now anyway.
It's a pity really, but I'm gonna have to come up with a sarcastic name for the secretary dude. I'm disappointed by this necessity, simply because he's one of the few characters in this series that I actually like. Perhaps he just comes off better than the others by simply avoiding being in it as much as possible. But it seems like he's gonna be in this one a bit more, so I've got to call him something. I think I'll call him K9, due to both his actual name and his function in life as the metaphorical tin dog.
Plot operating at below 0 utility. Suggest evasive action.
Anyway, Darth Junior is once more awakened at sea by K9. I was only joking about the rohypnal before, but now I'm starting to wonder. You're not feeling.... sore anywhere are you? So, blah, blah AMNESIA!!! Etc.
Meanwhile, behind the facade of this innocent looking bookstore, Binteena gets mugged by a mime with a hair fetish.
You heard me.
Meanwhile, back at the boat K9 is fully supportive of the whole raping the information out of her plan. Seriously, he's well up for it as the most sensible course of action. Because apparently women will do anything if you fuck them right. The most confusing thing here of course is that this whole thing is apparently written by a woman. I don't particularly consider myself as a feminist or anything, but seriously? Is this really how it's supposed to work? Who knows? Not me, that's for sure. Guess we'll just have to wait and see, but watch out. He's starting to develop.... feelings. Must be a side effect of the whole crazy and evil™ thing. Bear in mind that there are more words in this one post than have been currently exchanged between these two, and indeed it'll probably take you longer to read this than they've spent in each others company.
I find the whole concept of human mating to be deeply confusing.
Anyway, since Junior is just SO handsome and alluring and etc and everybody loves him he gets thinly veiled fanmail from every single named female character to thus far appear in this story (with the exception of his own sister and the one he's actually stalking) and thus has a pretty good idea of where to go in order to prepare for the rapeterogation. A picnic!
Well, it's some sort of high society outdoorsy type thing. And so the seduction begins. Yay. To be honest, it's not QUITE as bad as I thought it may be. I mean yes, there is the various tortured animal euphemisms and the constant underlying LOOK AT HOW MUCH THESE TWO ARE GONNA FUCK, BECAUSE THEY ARE TOTALLY GONNA FUCK, YOU GUYS. ALL OVER THE BUTTERY LINEN. CHURN IT!!!!! but there is at least a shallow attempt at establishing some small degree of rapport beyond the whims of the plot hammer. Not by much though.
Maybe I'm just amused by another of K9's madcap schemes bearing fruit. See, it's established that the character is a big fan of the type of penny dreadful pulp literature that this book only wishes it was. Thus when he needs to enact some scheme involving mortal types he falls back on the hackneyed plots of his collection, with hilarious results. Such as the entirety of the first book. Hilarious.
Anyway, they get sent up in a balloon for a bit of "quality time". Binteena is suitably impressed by Juniors manly smell and a good time is had by all. Rampant buttsex is NOT however had by all, because if there's one thing we learnt from the last book is that this whole sexual tension bullshit will be strung out for as long as possible in order to maximise the amount suffering.
Oh, and as a side note, the old underpants in wash basket smell of "man". This is not generally considered to be particularly attractive.
So yeah, balloon ride, yadda yadda and now she's totally up for it. Because, in case you didn't get the memo, THESE TWO ARE SO GOING TO FUCK, LIKE SOME SORT OF CRAZY FUCKING THING. Then there's a picnic and Binteena gets shot by her aunt.
No, sorry, no headshots. It's an "accident". And incredibly minor. So much for drama. You remember how I said that Aunty got felt up by Junior at some point previously? And now he's all over Binteena?
Yeah, this isn't going to end well. Roll on the bitch fight. Just, please can we avoid doing it in butter? That's really not my kind of thing.
Anyway, with this thinly veiled "stay away from my man bitch" Binteena is carted off back home. Whilst there she finds someone has hidden a rose in her locked bag of paper work. This threat comes as something of a relief, as it would be nice to actually get the villain established so I can start mocking it. We KNOW who it is. It's written on the back cover. Unless of course all this supposed mystery with roses and chunks of dead body in the river is supposed to be building up to a big reveal, in which case way to go, guy who writes the blurb.
Tune in again, same bat time, same bat channel, when hopefully something interesting will actually happen.
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