And I have to say, in all honesty, it could have been a lot worse. I mean, it should give you some idea of just how awful supernatural romance in general actually gets that this is probably the least headache inducing thing that I've actually read.
And it's about a HORNY PSYCHIC T-REX.
Seriously, I barely made this face at all.
Let's start with the cover. Now, it goes without saying that when reading the intrepid adventures of our cave woman heroine we should, at all times, be picturing her wearing that dime store redneck version of Ann Summers bikini. YES, EVEN WHEN SHE'S MEANT TO BE NAKED. What else would they be wearing in generic cave man times? In fact, it's probably better to picture the male characters wearing it as well, just for shits and giggles. YES, INCLUDING THE T-REX.
But the real issue with the covers isn't the anachronistic underwear, or even the low budget visuals. No, it's the unspoken question. See, after browsing through this range of books I can't help but wonder if these poor stock image models ever thought that they'd be forever associated with dinosaur sex? Do you think they were warned that this might happen? How does the girl from the cover of "Mounted By The Gryphon" feel about what's been done with her photos?
This is now your tombstone. DEAL WITH IT.
Well, I guess we'll never know as I'm pretty sure the proceeds from the photo shoots in question won't be enough to cover any legal fees.
Moving on, if this story has one particular strength to it (other than having a sex obsessed pychic T-Rex wandering around) it's got to be one of length.
No, seriously. This is an extremely short tale, clocking in at around 26 pages. That's like one chapter, maybe two from a regular book. The reason this is a GOOD thing should be fairly obvious: We don't have to sit for sixteen hours whilst NOTHING HAPPENS. It get's right to the point and nobody spends 5 chapters staring creepily at anyone else. I mean hell, this has a mind controlling Dinosaur in it and it's actually less rapey than pretty much every other book I've recapped here. Go figure.
I'm not saying it's any less disturbing or ridiculous mind you. It's just once you've done this a few times you come to appreciate the direct approach.
So, our story opens with our intrepid cavewoman adventurer having just brought home the carcass of of a sabretooth tiger she had slain for dinner. From this we could infer several off colour jokes about Chinese restaurants, but won't because we like to keep it classy when discussing tales of mind controlled bestiality. It is however important to note 2 things here: Firstly, that out heroines name is apparently Layla. Secondly that after this you will NEVER be able to listen to Eric Clapton again without collapsing on the floor with either convulsive laughter or vomiting. Possibly both.
Trust me. I TRIED.
So, anyway. Here we establish that Layla is one of those determined young women trying to make headway in mans world kind of characters. Because no one will take her seriously because she's just a girl. I'm not quite sure what she was expecting from crazy man vs dinosaur prehistoric times though. She's lucky to be let out of the cave at all, at least with her skull intact and unraped. That's how it would normally go in this sort of story, so we're off to a good start, relatively speaking.
Of course, then we find out she's actually fucking the chief of the tribe, which does kinda undermine the whole womens lib thing just a smidgen. So, yeah. She brings home the meat and all the mean cavemen tell her that the apex predator she just fought and killed in bloody hand to hand combat isn't actually apex enough. She counters this assertion by arguing that sabretooth tiger actually makes a nicer sandwich or whatever, and we all give thanks that kitchens haven't been invented yet so no-one can make any "jokes" about that.
Then, without being given so much as time to wipe off the offal she has her first "sex" scene. Well.... I SAY sex.
“Your dino dick wants to enter my warm, wet cave!”
No, really. She says that. In all seriousness. She actually uses that line in an attempt to encourage sexy fun times. I guess it's karma then that the guy lasts a couple of thrusts before coming and passing out.
No, really. the text literally uses the phrase two or three thrusts. That's certainly a.... Depressing way to start things. Especially considering that we are told that this guy is apparently the best fuck to be had in these parts.
It's no wonder she ends up fucking a bloody T-Rex. Anythings gotta be better than this.
So, yeah, she's left to finish herself off whilst her erstwhile paramour dozes and then goes to sleep.
Waking up early the next morning she is somewhat put out to find that nobody has left her any pussy to eat.
You knew someone had to make that joke sooner or later.
Brooding on the taunts of her peers she then grabs her pointy stick and sets off into the jungle to look for something a little more challenging. Although I do have to wonder about the continuity errors that had her starting this section hungry after dragging a giant cat carcass back home, and closing out with her reflecting that it's just as well she stopped off to fill up on dog offal on the way in. Seriously, how does anything in this story even make sense anymore?
Spoiler Alert! IT DOESN'T!
So, whilst hunting for Dinosaurs or whatever she finds a nice clear pool and decides now is a good time to wash off some of the stinking gore and other unmentionable secretions that she was perfectly content to sleep in earlier. But really, we don't need make what's about to happen any worse, so a refreshing hygiene break is probably a good idea.
And now we're getting to the point for the titular T-Rex to show up it's time to consider how we picture him. Do we go with a high budget CGI creature ala Jurrasic Park? Something low budget an unwieldy like Doctor Who And The Silurians? A classic stop motion rendition in the style of the mighty Ray Harryhausen?
Personally, I'm going to go with some high class suitmotion technology and picture him something like Weaponizer form Ultraman Tiga, if only because I'm pretty sure he's going to be making this face a lot:
... Ladies.
So, whilst she's having a bath the water starts to ripple like that cup from Jurassic Park, and the scent of Dinosaur fills the air. Naturally her first thought is to wonder if the men from her tribe had followed her out.
Wait, what?
This raises so many questions about the state of prehistoric mens health. I mean, I get that they all probably smell pretty bad. That's fair enough. But how is it possible for any of them to be so morbidly obese that they can shake the ground like a T-Rex? I mean, even they could somehow reach that size, how the hell would they even be able to move?
Still, it does answer some questions about her previous boyfriends performance. He's probably the best lay in the tribe by default, since he's the only one who can still find his own penis under all that lard.
Further complicating matters is the fact that our heroines clothes are (naturally) not where she left them and her spear has been surreptitiously wrecked. All of which goes to imply that in addition to the forthcoming telepathy and mind control the T-Rex also has telekinesis. So he's pretty much shaping up to be a prehistoric Professor X. The parallels go further than you might think. In addition to the mighty psychic abilities they're both also possessed of a pair of useless limbs.
Although the T-Rex does have the advantage of BEING A T-REX, so I guess he wins that fight.
Anyway, moving on with the plot the T-Rex shows up and is all like "Hey, I'm a psychic T-Rex". And Layla is all like "Kaaayyyy...."
As for WHY there's a psychic T-Rex..... Well, who knows. All he says is he's been "Given a mystic gift". So maybe he's actually the prehistoric Dr Strange. Point is, he can control your mind and body and make you do what he wants. Which makes you wonder why it is he also has to threaten you with impending bloody death if you don't do what he says. I mean, dude, you're mind controlling me. I have NO CHOICE but to obey. Aren't the threats a little redundant at that point?
Anyway, using a combination of threats, intimidation, mind control and terrible chat up lines, our friendly neighborhood T-Rex asks Layla if she maybe wouldn't mind putting on a little show. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I mean she sits there with a couple of fingers up her bum whilst he watches. You know, as you do. Anyway, this goes on for a little while. By which I mean some small detail is lavished upon the act and at least the poor girl derives some measure of satisfaction for herself. Which is more than a lot of other female characters I've read about get. I mean, yeah, she's doing it for a talking dinosaur which is a little weird....
"I love you, you love yourself or I'll bite you in half..."
But there we go. I'm guessing that he like doing this to unsuspecting cavewomen since it's the only time he can use proper arms, even if their not his own.
So, once our poor semi mind controlled victim has taken as much of this weird masturbatory sexing as she is able to stand (from how great it is, naturally. not the terminal weirdness or anything. you know how these things go), it's time for the T-Rex to lay back and..... Ummmm, how can I put this? DEPLOY.
Oh yes, it's finally time for things to get silly. The moment you've been waiting for. T-Rex cock has arrived.
Now, I've been around on the internet. I've seen things. I've read stories. You know the ones I mean. The ones with horses. I've also read about how that sort of thing works out in real life. Perforated and ruptured organs. A slow and horrible death. The worlds worst obituary. And, from the beginning, that's where I though this would go. Improbable insertions, far to many synonyms for the word big and a certain amount of bouncing up and down in terminal ecstasy whilst your pelvis is obliterated and your lungs are squeezed out of your eye sockets.
But that's not what happens here. What happens here is so much more entertaining, just as ridiculous and WAY less fatal.
OH YES. THIS IS HAPPENING. Are you happy in your pants yet? If I might quote from the text briefly:
I slid my hands up and down the massive member, as if I were trying to peel the bark from a young sapling outside my cave.Yeah, she basically climbs up onto the dinosaur and then pole-dances on it's cock to get it off. Kinda like rubbing a dildo and a barbie doll together, but only after you've dipped them in one of those giant drums of lube
Ain't online shopping wonderful?
Yeah, see it turns out that dinosaurs are somewhat...... Prolific in their secretions. And I'm not even talking about the money shot here. You KNEW that was going to be like a thousand Hentai characters on steroids. No, throughout the whole experience the T-Rex is, shall we say, making sure everything goes smoothly.
It's okay if you just threw up in your mouth a little. Just think what SHE'S tasting right now.
So yeah, this bizarre dance goes on for a bit until the moment approaches. And then it all goes a bit... Singin' In The Rain?
Just like this. Only the guy is chick, the lamppost is a dinosaurs wang and the rain is....
This goes on until everything is way to slippery and our heroine finally slips off, landing in an ignominious heap. Which is welcome bit of comic relief to distract us from wondering what the hell everybody smells like right now.
After the torrent abates we have another welcome moment of good taste as Layla immediately heads back to the pond for a quick wash. Seriously, you have no idea of how much of a relief that was, considering the quantities of fluid involved. I was expecting something MUCH worse than just cleaning it off.
When searching for porn, always make sure to exclude the word "SPOON". ALWAYS.
So, everybody takes a moment to recover from the experience, maybe think about inventing the mop as soon as possible. And then El Rapeosaurus says this:
“Of all the humans I’ve manipulated, of all the mortal women I’ve used, only you have been able to satisfy me.”Note there's one particularly interesting word there: Mortal. So, in addition to everything else, our magical psychic T-Rex is now insinuating that he's Immortal? Seems like someone's got ALL the powers today, don't it?
Of course, he's also admitting to molesting and killing an indeterminably high number of women. So I guess in this respect he is actually like a lot of the other protagonists in these sort of stories: Not exactly what you'd call ideal boyfriend material.
Still, today he's happy and thus elects to spare her life. Indeed, he even offers to let her move in and live in some sort of twisted sexual subjugation. Which, naturally, she is totally up for. I mean, why wouldn't you be?
And so we close out our tale with the heroine actively contemplating how it is one might actually fit an object the size of ones entire body inside that body, millions of years before anyone anyone realizes that an object that's bigger on the inside would be a cool idea for a TV show, if not entirely practical.
I'm almost tempted to hope for a sequel, but I don't think it will end well.
Like this, only lower down.
So, there we have it. It's short, it's baffling, but at least it's not horribly written. Indeed, I my even go out on a limb and say that this is one of the finest stories about cave women fucking T-Rexs' that I've ever read. Of course, whether or not the fact that I can read through something like this and not run away screaming perhaps says less about the quality of the writing and more about how inured I've become to ridiculous perversion, but it was way less painful than a lot of other things.
That says a lot more about the state of erotic fiction than a thousand essays ever could.
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