What is this I don't even...
Leaving aside for a moment the obvious juxtaposition of an allegedly Italian foodstuff being commonly referred to as a Hawaiian, let's look at the basic ingredients. Now Ham and Tomato are fairly innocuous. It is, after all, a commonly accepted fact that most plants and animals are made out of food. Although you do have to wonder how it was that someone first came up with the idea of cooking any of it. The base is highly suspect. I mean, BREAD? How does that even work? Sure it's made of a plant, but taking very particular bits of a plant, grinding them down to powder, mixing the powder up with other stuff and only THEN cooking it? How do you even begin to figure that one out?
And don't even get me started on the cheese. Cheese is, without a doubt, the single least likely thing in the history of the entire universe. How anyone could ever take the terrifying foulness of spoiled dairy produce and follow it through to a congealed lump of tasty goodness makes literally no sense. Only in the terrifying fevered delirium of an abject madman could it ever even be considered. It's basically the Cthulhu of food.
The crowning absurdity of the pizza however is undoubtedly the pineapple.
"What up?"
I mean just LOOK at that thing. Does that look like something you'd try to eat? Of course not. But someone did, and they discovered that it was actually a tasty fruit. And then, presumably just to fuck with future generations, they took this fruit and decided to stick it on a pizza. I mean WHY? You don't get bananas or apples or mangoes on pizza. What makes pineapples so special? It makes about as much sense as putting coconut on a pizza, but somehow it's only the pineapple that makes sense.
But why am I talking about pizza? Well, for the same reason as I do most things: Because of pornography.
I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
See, if you've been on the internet this week you've probably encountered the phrase "Dinosaur Beast Erotica". Or at least encountered it more than you normally would. A series of stories has appeared on Amazon. A series of stories in which ladies get intimately acquainted with a variety of prehistoric reptiles.
As one does.
The overall tone of the reporting of this literary phenomenon has been very much in the point and giggle, internets be craaazy mode. But for me? Simply giggling at the titles and dubiously photoshopped covers wasn't enough. I was..... Intrigued. After all, I have had some history in plumbing the depths of so called erotic fiction. And, tying back to my original point on unlikely combinations briefly, there are as we all know 2 things that you can add to make pretty much anything better: Dinosaurs or Nazis.
Although you can always count on Micheal Bay to try and ruin them somehow.
Whether or not this holds true of erotic fiction remains to be seen. And since I'm just going to go on pretending that death camp porn isn't lurking out there somewhere I think that checking out a bit of Dino-rape is actually the saner option. Let's face it, after everything else I've been through with supernatural romance novels, how much worse can it be?
Although I admit the theory has already been disproved for film.
The question then becomes which of the many titles available do I choose? "Ravaged By The Raptor" certainly has the best title. Although "Taken By The Pterodactyl" does have this going for it:
But it wasn't until I read the plot synopsis for "T-Rex Troubles" that I knew, truly KNEW deep in my very being that I NEEDED to have some of this for myself.
In a land before time, Layla hunts for her tribe. The men belittle and threaten her, a woman who hunts like a man, until, desperate, she sets out alone after the most fearsome beast in the world- a T-Rex.
As she hunts the giant predator, a very special T-Rex is hunting her- this T-Rex has psychic powers and a desire for human flesh. Naked and alone, Layla bargains with the beast: her body for her life.
Can Layla accept the beast’s carnal demands? Can her body accommodate its relentless desire? Can she hold to her part of the bargain? Or will she become the T-Rex’s next meal?
That's right. This isn't just T-Rex bestiality rape porn. It's PSYCHIC T-Rex bestiality rape porn. Could this BE any more ridiculous? Only if it was an Infernal-Dire-Were-T-Rex with Psychic powers and maybe a +3 dagger of ogre slaying clutched in his tiny little arms.
Oh, and this also ties back to my earlier rambling introduction in a way, as the only thing that's a worse idea to try and shove up your joy tube than a whole pineapple is T-Rex.
So, yes, I did it. I downloaded the kindle software and I bought the book. And now, having bought it, the time has come to truly pay for it. By which I mean it's now time to read it. Wish me luck, I'm going in.....
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