If any ladies in the audience think they may have Spectrox Toxemia I'm quite willing to provide the milk of my queen bat. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Anyway, loaded up on drugs and industrial strength cough syrup I wend my merry way up to Wembley Arena for the start of the festivities. After a long wait for the doors to open we get let in to peruse the overpriced crap. Some may call it unfair to label the merchandise thus. But when you can purchase for a price no less than EIGHT earth pounds a Cyberman mask that differs only from one cut out from the back of a packet of breakfast cereal in thickness of the material it is printed on I feel quite justified. Not that that stopped me getting a t shirt and program. Anyway, still further waiting around aimlessly is mandated before they actually let us anywhere near the seats. Perhaps so we don't have time to run away and ask for a refund. The seating is..... Not great. Small, cramped and far from the most padded or comfortable things I've ever sat on. There are also issues with the elevation of the rows. Namely there barely is any. Now, including the line "Fuck you, short people" in your customer service statement is interesting at the best of times. But when you're holding a show in which half the audience is liable to children?
Somebody somewhere is missing the point. I'm just saying that if you're paying forty quid for a seat you'd expect something a little less obviously cheap.
Now, before I discuss the actual show I'd like to address a couple of issues. Firstly SIT THE FUCK DOWN. Seriously. I know the view is not great. I know that when the monsters are wandering up the aisles they can be difficult to see. But you've just ensured that NO ONE behind you can see either whats going on in aisles, nor indeed on the stage. Including the giant screen where the video feeds of the wandering monsters are projected. So thanks for that. Secondly, this is a pretty big arena. Your shitty camera phone is not going to get a single shot worth a damn. Put the camera away, SIT THE FUCK DOWN and watch the show. If you want a souvenir buy a goddamn T-Shirt like everyone else.
The show itself is, of course, well wicked. Essentially what we have here is a natural outgrowth of the proms performances. Some spiel from the stage, some music, some video montages and Monsters wandering about the audience. Only now we have a plot to go with the spectacle. And it's the plot of Carnival Of Monsters. The only thing missing is the Drashigs killing everyone for an encore, which does come as slight disappointment I admit.
And for my next trick: YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.
So yeah, there's enough sly references to the classics to keep any fanboy happy. It certainly worked for me. And so the show goes on. Not operating with a full orchestra we get some rather interesting rock based arrangements of various pieces from the soundtrack, which work amazingly well. Seriously, if these versions don't see some sort of release it would be a crime and I may be forced to unleash the Myrka in retribution.
You WILL fear his wrath.
Speaking of the Myrka, at first glance the roster of monsters on offer may seem a little... odd. I mean yeah, there's Daleks and Cybermen and even Ood. But Smilers? Scarecrows? Hardly the classicest ones to break out. But it's worth noting that cost and practicality are the keys here. It's be awesome to have the Sontarans for example. However the Saturnyne Vampire girls are cheap, simple and perhaps most important a quick costume change. I don't begrudge them a focus on the new series at all, and the show they've put together is great. I am however greedy. And thus want MORE.
Anyway some highlights: Obviously Cybermen stomping around the place is inveterately cool. Cybermen giving the "you belong to us...." bit is massively cool. Cybermen pulling a (planted) guy out of the audience and upgrading him then and there is, however, priceless. As is having a pair of Weeping Angels show up and kill a whole load of police using nothing more than creative lighting and misdirection. Truly wicked..
Then of course there's the Daleks.
DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!!!
Now, whether or not you're particularly enamoured of the new design you simply cannt deny just how exciting it was seeing them trundle out onto the stage. I mean you have the awesome metalled up version of the music and a DALEK RIGHT THERE ON STAGE!!! And THEN there's MORE Daleks!!! We get Dalek vision camera feeds on the screen!! And then they have a fight with the Cybermen!!! And it works a hell of a lot better than in Doomsday which despite it's merits is, essentially, overblown fanwank.
Anyway, we get some really clever projection integrating the ore filmed segments with Matt Smith, going from transmitting to the main screen to being trapped in a box on one side of the stage. It's a really creative way of getting around not actually having him as part of the show.
And yeah, in the finale there is, as promised, a flying Dalek. And yeah, it's impressive. I'm not entirely sure how they managed it. You can see the underside so it doesn't seem to be on a lift. And the way it moves doesn't look like wires. And a Dalek is hardly the lightest thing in the world. Some cunning combination of techniques no doubt. Anyway, you will believe a Dalek can fly.
Anyway, theres only one major thing left to mention, and that's Vorgensson himself. Intergalactic showman and the binding glue of the whole show. The performance given is suitably theatrical (if perhaps not strictly kosher) and quite in suiting to the ongoing rigmarole. Channeling the spirit of Henry Gordon Jago as well as the great Vorg himself he makes for an enjoyable neer do well host. Almost hard to believe he was once Neil in the Young Ones. Still, I guess that's what they call acting.
So, overall we have some great music, cool monsters, fun performances and a big grin on the heart of every true Doctor Who fan. A great success overall I'd say. One can only wonder whether or not the camera data is being saved and we'll get some form of dvd release in the future. It'd certainly make for a great inclusion in the next boxset.
Anyway, I left in high spirits. Even feeling a sense of hope for the future of humanity after witnessing all the boys and girls running around with sonic screwdrivers.
So of course british rail decided to spoil it by turning off half the trains just as thousands of people are exiting the arena and converging on the station. This is the sort of logic that is so unlogic it actually eats other logic and then shits out ducks or something. I dunno. You'd have to be either evil or insane to think that was a good idea. And either way you will never be popular.
But fuck those guys. That was a damn good night out despite everything, and I would heartily recommend it. Just make sure you've got an aisle seat, are as far down the front as possible, and shoot whoever is in the row in front.
