Project: Read Or Die - Chapter One A F.A.T.A.L. Worse Than Death

Right then. So, as you may or may not be aware I recently came to the conclusion that I really hadn't been spending enough time reading. In order to combat this anti-intellectual malaise I went and bought myself a big pile of books.

And then promptly started playing Guild Wars again.

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.........................

Yeah. So in a no doubt vain attempt to provide some additional motivation I'm gonna make this into a project. I'm gonna read books, and then talk about them here. Because it's my goddamn blog and if I want to talk about the quality of my navel fluff or review my latest bowel movements I bloody well can and you'll just have to deal with it.

So, the first tome out of my lovely large pile of amazon packages is....

The Kobold Wizard's Dildo Of Enlightenment +2 By Carlton Mellick III.

Now, if you're wondering why anyone would buy a book called The Kobold Wizard's Dildo Of Enlightenment +2 then there's clearly something wrong with you. Specifically, that there ISN'T something wrong with you. That's not normal, you should probably get help.

Anyway, THE BOOK. This is, in a word, epic. Even if it is billed as being for levels 2-5. The idea of the story is really good. Simply, what if the characters in a role playing game became aware that they were just characters in a game? In a HORRIBLE game. Basically the world in which out hapless P.C.'s find themselves is being run by the sort of GM who'd think F.A.T.A.L. is a great idea.

For those of you who aren't aware of just what F.A.T.A.L. is, it has tables for both the size of your penis AND working out what size objects will fit in your arse. This I think should tell you basically everything you need to know.

So, anyway, we have our party of ineptly played characters trying to find their way through this nightmarish whirlwind of rape, violence, more rape, and large wangs on EVERYTHING. As a recreation of the sort of thing you'd expect to come from the mind of a sexually frustrated weirdo teenager it's pretty spot on. Hence the titular artifact. It's getting this used on them that grants the game characters their self awareness. It is not a happy world to find oneself in.

The whole book is presented as an old D&D module, as you can tell from the cover art above. There's character sheets for the P.C.s and N.P.C.s, there's maps, tables and drawings. It's a fantastically put together piece of work which really evokes the whole feel. And it's actually a decent story to boot. It's unusual, but since when has this ever been a bad thing. I mean,yeah, if you're easily offended then this is clearly not the sort of thing for you. But then you can just fuck right off.

I'd read Satan Burger by the same author a few years ago, so I had some appreciation for his particular style. Really this is either the sort of thing you'll love or hate. A bit crude, a bit gonzo. Well written and full of really great ideas. If you have any love of RPGs then this is a book that you really should read.

Unless you find the idea of dragons with gigantic prehensile man eating wangs CONFUSING.