By Any Other Name (Part 1)

I've recently been re watching the various series of the "new" Doctor Who (shocking I know), and I was struck by one particular fact that had never really occurred to me before:

Rose Tyler is actually completely useless as a companion.

Now, I'll admit I've ever been a massive fan of the character. I always felt that she went from being fairly alright in series 1 to teeth gratingly irritating in series 2, but it was nothing that a swift blow to the face with a shovel couldn't fix. But it wasn't until I actually started thinking about what the character actually achieves in the various episodes that I came to realize just how OBJECTIVELY crap she was as well. Maybe not quite Dodo, but certainly nothing special.

So I'd been toying with writing up some sort of overview setting out the case. And the I find out that a recent poll has voted the character the best companion of all time. This simply will not stand. So, consider this my rebuttal. Take that, internets!

Now, you need to bear in mind that the major problem Rose presents to us as a character is that she is supposed to be SPECIAL. Ultra hyper mega SPECIAL. Were she not built up as this supreme apex of the art of being a companion and the Doctors one true everlasting ultimate mega super ultra hyper combo fanfic wank fantasy then we wouldn't really have a problem. But sadly she is. And whilst we are frequently TOLD this, we're not really SHOWN it much. If at all.

Truly, a picture really does paint a thousand words. Even if all of them are just "Doctor"

So, let's take a look at the evidence, series by series, episode by episode. Series 1 is, at first glance where she's at her best (or least annoying depending on your point of view). And, it should go without saying that the following rambling semi coherent vitrolic screed may contain SPOILERS. But honestly if you haven't seen any of this by now there is something wrong with you.

Now we start of well enough in Rose, with our titular heroine swinging on the end of a rope to save the day. Even if she does wait until the dramatically requisite percentage of the population have been gunned down in the streets. But that's just nitpicking really. She does the whole investigation thing and all that, which is fair enough. But it's also here that we begin to see one of the major unlikable facets of her personality emerge: Her tendency to treat Mickey (Who it is worth pointing out is supposed to be her BOYFRIEND) like complete shit whenever it suits her. Now I'll admit that at this stage Mickey is still very much the comic relief muppet, but still... The guys been violently kidnapped by aliens, cut him a little slack. No? Okay. Being freaked out by hostile alien forces is the reaction of weaklings. Remember this, because it will become important in the next paragraph.

Episode 2, The End Of The World. In which Rose is completely freaked out by FRIENDLY Alien forces. The she gets locked in cupboard. That is her sole contribution to proceedings. It's kind of weird when you realize it, but literally she just turns up, freaks out, gets captured and contributes nothing to the rest of the plot whilst the Doctor heads off to get wood (sorry, couldn't resist).

Still, moving forward (or backward depending on your relative time zone) we move on to the Unquiet Dead. A fine tale where Rose..... Ummmm.... Gets captured. Again. Now, there's nothing wrong per se with getting captured. There is a long and fine tradition of getting captured in Doctor Who. Why, back in my day we'd spend whole episodes getting captured, escaping and then getting captured again. But then again we'd also contribute SOMETHING else to the script. You know, overhear an important conversation, steal a key, scream at a monster. ASSIST the Doctor in some capacity. And here Rose manages to, what, patronise the locals? It's not like she even really lead the Doctor to the house, since all he needed to do was follow the hearse. Still, never mind eh?

Next we move onto the 2 parter of Aliens Of London / World War 3. In which Rose gets chased and locked up. It's not exactly getting captured, but it's close. Other than that she's.... just sort of there. Not really contributing anything unique to the proceedings. Aside from her ghastly mother, but that's a different character entirely (more or less) contribution by association isn't really much to go on. It's also worth taking a moment to consider the return of Mickey here. Who proves himself to be far more of a useful character and indeed a better person. He's the one actually taking action and saving the day. He's also starting to demonstrate that for whatever reason he really loves Rose, whilst she's still quite content to brush him aside.

It's Dalek up next, and even I have to admit that this is a pretty good story for the character as it's one of the few times she actually DOES something. You get that nice bit where she's talking the Doctor down from his Dalekcidal attitude. Of course, the whole thing was all her fault as she was the only one dumb enough to touch the Dalek in the first place and is thus directly responsible for all those deaths, but someones got to get the party started so we'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

The we have the Long Game. Seriously, can ANYBODY tell me what the hell Rose does is this episode? How does she move the plot along? What does she add to the story, other than Adam? And really all that does is prove that she's an appalling judge of character as well as (possibly) a bit of a slag. Other than muppet boy she's just there, in the background, getting captured. I mean, seriously. Adric has contributed more to stories than this. FUCKING ADRIC. Even when he was being a complete fucking moron he was at least DOING something. Adding to the plot, contributing to the resolution or the problem or SOMETHING.

If anyone can tell me why a google image search for adric gives me a picture of a dildo i'd be most grateful.
......Wait, never mind.

Now, I don't mean to be rude, but when you're losing in a fight to fucking ADRIC you really should just kill yourself.

And now we come to Fathers Day. It's a good episode, no doubt. But for all the worthy praise heaped upon it there are a few issues that need to be addressed. For example, when someone gets on board your fantastical time and space machine and asks if they GO WATCH SOMEONE DIE that may be considered a bit of a warning sign. Not that they're going to attempt to interfere with causality in a catastrophic way (more of that later), but they are OBVIOUSLY MENTAL. When you add to this the fact that the person they want to GO AND WATCH DIE IN THE STREET is a beloved family member and you should be setting the coordinates for the padded cell nebula post haste.

IN SPACE!!

But if I'm honest it's not even the fact that Rose actually tries to destroy the entire universe TWICE. No, it's the motivation behind it. The ultimate goal for which the eradication of all life on earth is but an inconvenient aside. And to be fair, you may not even get it until you've sat through the second season. But hindsight is still sight, and there are things that cannot be unseen. The phrase "creepy perveted dadlust" has no place in Doctor Who in my humble opinion. BUT HERE IT IS ANYWAY.

Thanks for that.

Moving rapidly in the direction of away we come to the next 2 parter, The Empty Child / The Doctor Dances. Great stuff again. But what of Miss Tyler? Well, she starts by wandering off and climbing up a barrage balloon.

WHAT?!?!

I mean really. It's not exactly hard to miss, surely. It's a giant fucking balloon. Who the hell could ever see a giant free floating balloon just drifting overhead and think that climbing up it's trailing cables? I mean, I'm pretty sure that whole thing about cows not being able to look up is just a myth, but does it apply to stupid cows?

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Ask someone who gives a shit, I'm a cow.

And after that, what? She dribbles on Captain Jack, bitches and then is generally extraneous to the plot for the rest of duration. Oh wait, she's also starting to dribble on the Doctor a little here to. This I think is the first real hint anyway. Up to this point the Doctor has been more of a father figure. But we've seen how she reacts to THOSE now haven't we? eeeewwww.

And then it's Boom Town. The episode which REALLY goes to show her attitude toward Mickey. Who, you may remember, is supposed to be her BOYFRIEND. She's been off, slagging her way across time and space, whilst poor old Mickey has actually been trying to move on with his life. Only he can't, can he? Because Rose is, basically, an emotional vampire. And Mickey is some sort of disposable affection dispenser.Called up on a whim to make her feel better about herself and discarded once again. The problem here is simply that she will never just TELL Mickey. The gut clearly needs some sort of formal declaration that the relationship has been unceremoniously terminated since he no longer serves any useful function to her, but no. She just wants another lackey to fawn over her, with no regard to anyone elses feelings or well being.

And so, at long last we come to season finale. Bad Wolf / The Parting Of The Ways. And I have to confess that it's here that the whole thing becomes rather more difficult to assess. I mean, I could mention that all she does is fail her way onto the Dalek ship and then hang around not helping until the Deus Ex Machina comes to save the day / crash and burn the series in a nonsensical last minute cop out (delete as appropriate). And that's the problem. That whole Deus Ex situation which, on sober reflection really just doesn't make any fucking sense. After all the build up of bad wolf the final resolution is.... bollocks. Some may argue epic bollocks, but bollocks nevertheless. I do think however it is somewhat telling that the only way Rose was able to save the day (a first in the whole series you'll note) was by staring vacantly into a light and gaining godlike powers through sloppy writing. She didn't actually DO anything herself. I mean, it was Mickey (with the aid of Jackie of all people) who actually managed prise the fucking console open and release the power of the fanfic. Sorry, time vortex.

I mean, seriously.

And for this the Doctor must give up his life and go on to star in G.I. Joe the movie.

Serious Drama

So, just to count up, she's managed to kill the Doctor one time, tried to unravel the very fabric of time itself a few times, unleashed an alien killing machine that tried to destroy all life on earth but only stopped because it would rather kill itself than hang around her and hung around being useless and/or captured more times than I care to remember.

And this, ladies and gentleman is Rose Tyler AT HER BEST.

Tune in next time for Series 2: Foreshadowing, you guys. SERIOUSLY, FORESHADOWING!!!!