However, just for a change I intend today to complain not about the many, many crimes against storytelling committed in the name of the franchise, but rather I'm going to talk about one of my favourite characters from the prequel trilogy.
And how UTTERLY POINTLESS they are.
First, a little background.
When Star Wars came out it was, of course, immensely popular. And despite all the films and toys that WERE released, people still wanted more. So we got figures of pretty much everything that had ever appeared in a film, however briefly. And why not? There were all kinds of crazy aliens in the background, and kids love aliens. I mean, it's not like any of these guys even had name.
Why yes, my parents DID christen me Yak-Face. This sort of thing is actually quite common in species with very large heads.
But still, this wasn't enough. Indeed, having the figures but knowing nothing about the characters for some would have only further fuelled their desire for more information. Others of course embraced these blank slates and constructed their own tales of daring do in that galaxy far, far away. And where these two groups collide is in the series of Tales From.... books.
Now, when I was getting into Star Wars books these were some of the first I got, and are still some of my favourites. The premise is simple enough. Pick a theme or locale (the cantina, bounty hunters, Jabbas palace), pick some background characters and then write them some short stories. Suddenly the guy is no longer just called Walrus Man, he's an Aqualish called Ponda Baba. He has background and story all his own.
And yes, it's entirely possible that this happened at some point.
I mean, yes, it was a BIT suspect the way that everyone in the cantina had actually saved the galaxy 5 times on their way there, but it was still a fun bit of world building. Provided you ignore the bit where Boba Fett crawls out of the Sarlacc anyway.
Now, fast forward a few years to era of the prequels. Or the Dark Times if you prefer. Because it's here that all those fun times that went before come back to bite us in arse. For years we've been spinning out stories for all the various background furniture. I can't call them characters, because up to that point they weren't. But we've been taking these extras and giving them names and stories. We've been doing it because we really like Star Wars, and we want more Star Wars stories. But George didn't want to give us any at the time. Since no one was allowed to move the story forward it was instead moved sideways. And over that time an unfortunate precedent developed. That ANY extra who had appeared for even a single frame in a Star Wars film HAD to have a full background story. And this principle was embraced to an alarming degree in the prequels. They were stuffed full of extraneous characters to the detriment of what little plot existed. I mean, who the fuck is Ric Olie? How about Elan Sleazebaggano? Why do these people even HAVE names? Why not just call him Naboo Pilot, and save the back story for after you see if anyone actually gives a shit?
SPOILER: THEY DON'T.
But this is an issue that informs the prequel trilogy throughout, this desire to stuff them chock full of pointless characters seemingly just so they can be made into action figures. This wouldn't be so much of a problem if it was just confined to those hapless mooks in the background who don't even get a line. But it's far more in your face than that. Now, I could here point out that Captain Typho and Captain Panaka are the SAME GODDAMN CHARACTER and why for the love of god are there two of them?!?!?! But let's face it, nobody ever has or ever will give the slightest fuck about either of them.
Spot the difference. I DARE YOU.
So I won't bother. Instead I'm going to talk about a character I actually kinda like: Zam Wesell.
Now, as to why I like her, that's pretty simple. Before the film came out she was released as some kinda preview figure or something. At least that's how I remember it. I got the figure and liked it. She had a funky purple outfit, a spring loaded quick draw action, and extra face and a hilarious detachable arm. It was held on with magnets which was pretty clever.
As you can tell, I am fairly easily pleased. So, liking the figure I picked up a couple of comics with her in, and that was all pretty cool. Shape shifting bounty hunter adventures around the galaxy with her good buddy Jango Fett.
I guess that was meant to be some sort of foreshadowing?
Anyway, we'll leave aside the pointless hollow futility of all her pre Attack Of The Clones appearances for the moment. The fact that the character is simultaneously introduced and ignominiously killed off at the same time is not necessarily a bad move, although obviously it's going to colour any expanded media set prior. But we're not talking about expanded media here, we're talking about the film. I mean yeah, all she does in the film is suck and die. But at least she managed to shoot at something and actually hit. Unlike certain other bounty hunters we could mention. But then the problem with that is that for all Boba Fett sucks, he still served a purpose in the plot in that it's via him that we get to Jabbas palace.
Zam Wesells problem is that she serves NO PURPOSE in the film. AT ALL.
Now, I didn't realise this at first. It took a little while. But there is a point in that whole chase sequence where various little niggling issues floating around in the back of my brain crystallised.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Can you see him?See, this is where it all falls apart. The moment where you suddenly think to ask WHY Zam is a shapechanger. What purpose does having her be a shapechanger actually serve in the film?
Anakin Skywalker: I think he's a she... and I think she's a Changeling.
Audience: WWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!??!
The answer of course is NONE WHATSOEVER. She doesn't even actually even CHANGE SHAPE. I mean, come on. Your being chased, so you duck into a bar and then DON'T disguise yourself in anyway? I hate to be the one to bring this up, but most people would do that, even if they couldn't actually change their face at will. They'd still make at least SOME effort. Change of clothes maybe? False beard? Escape out of the toilet window?
But no. Instead these fantastic changeling skills are in fact no more than an after the fact whim of Georges compulsion to shove as much CGI bullshit into every shot as possible.
But it gets worse. Because let's be honest, even leaving out the whole changeling part, there's no good answer for WHY she's even there in the first place. Think about the structure of that sequence. There's an assassination attempt, which goes a bit wrong. The Jedi chase the assassin, but in the end only come away with a stunningly convenient clue that leads one of them to the plot. There is no reason I can think off that wouldn't make cutting Zam and having Jango actually do something a massive improvement on every level.
Think about it.
We don't need Zam to protect Jangos identity, as they see him at the end of the chase anyway. And he wears a helmet. You could say that having Jango kill her shows what a ruthless evil badguy he is. But I'm pretty sure having him try to kill a main good guy would do that. Particularly when it's the unarmed pacifist one. And since he's apparently meant to be a main villain wouldn't it be a good idea to actually show him doing some proper villainy? You know, to establish him has a dangerous threat and all that?
We also then avoid the problem of a Bounty Hunter hiring a Bounty Hunter to hunt his bounties for him. That's just dumb. I mean, you're right there in the same area as the target. And you have a missile launcher. Just saying. By the same note we also avoid the questionable strategy of killing your allies over your actual enemies. Because that's also pretty dumb.
Then think about how much cooler that chase would be if it wasn't in speeders, but on foot. Jango uses his rocket pack, the Jedi use the force, and we parkour the shit out of Coruscants rooftops. Not only would this be really cool, but it would also give us an opportunity to see Anakin doing Jedi stuff, rather than sitting around whining. Then at the end Jango finally reloads his rocket launcher and fires it at a crowd of innocent bystanders, thus scoring ruthless bad guy points and providing the necessary distraction to allow him to escape. You could even get in some stuff about Anakins aggression by having him go to pursue Jango over saving the innocents. Obi-Wan tells him to stop being a dick and help, and right there we have a nicely illustrated bit of resentment to build on later. The Saberdart is a final potshot from the fleeing villain. Although if we're rewriting it this much I'm sure we can come up with a better bit of plot, but I digress.
And all of that we get from cutting one character.
I think this is the crux of one of the major problems with the prequel trilogy. The original films were made simply to be good films. The multimedia expanded universe action figure market came after. But the prequels were made for the additional marketing first, and the films themselves were secondary to that goal. Coming across as little more than high budget extra long commercials for the toys that were based on them.
So really, is all that surprising that my favourite thing about Zam Wesell was her action figure?
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