What's My Name?

So, I'm sure your aware by now of the screaming abortion of a soul crushing abomination that it Star Wars Kinect. The timing of it release was rather unfortunate for me. There I was, really getting back into Star Wars. I was actually enjoying the franchise properly for the first time in several years. And then I saw this.




Now, like most people upon witnessing such an atrocity I'm sure your initial reaction would be to ask WHY?!?!

Although this is also an acceptable answer.

Now, the typical answer to that question is the default response that Star Wars fans have been falling back on since we first heard the words "special edition": Because George Lucas hates joy. But I don't think that's really true. I don't think he hates joy so much as he simply likes money.

Pictured: George Lucas

And let's face it, Star Wars fans HAVE proven that they will buy basically anything.

I find your lack of quality control disturbing.

So where did it all go wrong? Well, really I suppose we have to blame Nintendo for all this. After all, they made the Wii, which was rather popular as you may recall. Since it was so incredibly popular, the other console manufacturers of course wanted a piece of the action. However, rather than creating fun, quirky games that anyone could pick up and enjoy they decided that the only thing they needed to copy was the waggle. The Wii primarily proved two things about motion control. Firstly of course it showed that there is certainly a place for motion control in video games. Secondly however it also proved that few people actually know where that place is. For every great game that cleverly integrates motion control into the experience, there's at least 3 that just crudely tack it on afterwards. And of course 20 shitty shovelware games that would be barely playable no matter what the control scheme, but that's a different issue entirely.

With the kinect it always seemed that Microsoft was simply trying to make a bigger, better waggle device than Nintendo had. You can draw your own penis metaphors here if you so choose. And certainly in some ways they appear to have succeeded, what with all the body tracking and voice control crap. However it always seemed to me that they were doing it more for the sake of that penis metaphor than because anyone actually had any great ideas for games that could use it. The games seem more like an afterthought.

And it's this that leads us back to Star Wars Kinect. You see, whilst we're all sitting around asking why anyone would ever make a Star Wars dance game of all things we should be asking what the hell else were they gonna do? Somebody somewhere got some game developers together and told them to make a Star Wars game for the Kinect. I severely doubt anyone actually sat down and thought to themselves "What the world really needs is Star Wars dancing game. Is there any system out there that particularly lends itself to this?". No. Someone in charge decided that a Kinect game should be made, because that's the big thing now. And then someone had to go and actually make it because that's what they're paid to do. And the one thing that the Kinect really lends itself to is dance games. But frankly little else.

Now, homophobia is bad thing. We all know this. But let's face it, even the sweaty muscular sailors crammed into a submarine called The Pink Torpedo which sails on a sea of salty lubricant  could only ever describe the actions of Han Solo in that video as "dancing like a faggot". Han Solo is many things.A rogue, a smuggler, a gambler, a scoundrel and even a scruffy looking nerf herder. But he really, REALLY isn't a red hot disco diva.

I mean, I'm all for a bit of homoerotic subtext, but making Lando dance to song where he has to sing about being Han Solo? That's messed up. I suppose we can only be grateful that they didn't actually add "(only black)" to the chorus for his half.

Anyway, this all got me thinking. Firstly of course exactly how hard I'd need to smash my head into a wall to forget the horrors I'd just witnessed.

This hard.

But then once I got out of the hospital I started to think about Star Wars games.  Specifically about the lack of really good ones. I mean, there are all kinds of awesome games you could be making for the franchise. For example literally ANYTHING but a goddamn dance game. I mean, even Star Wars Farmville would at least let us all be Nerf Herders. And that's the thing, you don't even have to be all that original. You just need to take a decent game and reskin it with Star Wars stuff.

This was made especially clear to me when I recently had the opportunity to play Soul Caliber 4. Which, for those of you who made not know is a beat 'em up game about magic swords that for some reason has Yoda in it. Anyone else remember the part in Empire Strikes Back where Yoda travelled to another dimension to take place in martial arts tournament and fight a demonic sword monster? Also, anyone remember when the plots of video games actually made ANY sense?

Me neither.

Anyway, ones bafflement at having Yoda in this situation is quickly followed by excitement at the prospect of having Lightsabers in the games hilariously in depth custom character generator, which is even more quickly followed by crushing disappointment at finding out there AREN'T any goddamn Lightsabers in the character creator. All of which begs the question: Why the hell isn't there a proper Star Wars Beat'em Up like this?

Oh yeah. That's why.

Think about it. We have enough random Jedi and Sith to populate twenty games, let alone one. That's all the DLC anyone could wish for right there. We have various types of Lightsaber, and a whole bunch of techniques for using them. We have the force for doing awesome special moves. Now add into that the sort of custom character creator that you get with most Beat 'em Ups these days. Then tell me you wouldn't play the ever loving shit out of this game. I mean, the engine is RIGHT THERE. Just make Star Wars Soul Caliber. Call it Star Caliber, or Force Caliber. Or indeed whatever the hell you like. Just make the cocking game.

But why stop there? Have you ever heard of a game called Majin And The Forsaken Kingdom?

I'm guessing no?

As you may be able to tell from the cover, the gimmick of the game is that you have as an ally a large cuddly nature spirit guy who follows you around. You can direct him to help out in combat and puzzle solving activities, and that's how you progress through the game. You know what else is large and cuddly?

Rancors.

TOTES ADORBS.

I mean seriously. Everybody likes Rancors. How much fun would it be to have a pet one? Make the player a Nightsister or maybe even Malakili himself. Run around eating Stormtroopers and doing STUFF. I'm not entirely sure what stuff specifically, but if you're doing it with a Rancor, does it matter?

And whilst we're talking about giant monsters, anyone else thinking Monster Hunter? Hunt down Rancors, Acklays and even Opees for the Circus Horrificus. Nexu and Wampas and Vornskrs, oh my! There are enough gribbly space monsters to populate a decent sized game.

Of course, these ideas might seem a little outlandish. After all, the modern gaming landscape is seemingly dominated by two particular types of games: Generic brown/grey FPS, and things with zombies in. Now, there's probably already a mod somewhere to paint all the Spartans in Halo white and replace all the Grunts with Ewoks, so we'll skip that for the moment. But what about Zombies? How does that work in a Star Wars context?

Fucking Death Troopers, baby. Just plug your chosen Zombie game into an infected Star Destroyer and go. I'm thinking maybe Left4Death Troopers? Although you may prefer Death Troopers Rising.

I could go on. How about an Angry Birds style catapult game where you have to launch Boba Fett over obstacles into the Sarlacc? Hell, we'll take anything that gives a chance to kill Jar Jar. But really I think that there are two major games that Star Wars fans need. First and most obvious of course is a new Jedi Knight game. I mean, a large part of the success of the xbox has been through the FPS genre. Are you REALLY telling me that a fucking dance game is a better idea for the system than a new Dark Forces? And if so then should they really let you out on your own?

My final suggestion though has got to be one of the longest running puzzles in the history of Star Wars gaming. And I'm not even talking about what the hell the rules for Sabacc even are. No, I'm talking about Dejarik.

I suggest a new strategy: Go fuck yourself.

Seriously, can anyone explain to me why, in all the years they've been making Star Wars games, has no one ever sat down and thought "We should make a version of that holochess thing from A New Hope. That would be sweet."? Of course you can't. It defies reason. If you ever need proof that there is no such thing as a loving god (other than the prequel trilogy) then here it is.

Okay, so maybe George DOES hate joy after all.