Mainly of course this is because the bloody Steam sale decided to start up at the same time as the film came out, and I keep getting distracted by trading cards. Indeed things got so bad I gave up on my first attempt and decided just start again. By going to watch the film a second time.
So.. yeah. I'm sure you can guess that this isn't going to be the most unbiased review in history.
A thought occurred to me as the film finally started up. Well, two thoughts really. Mostly I was wondering just what it was that happening in the seats behind me that would cause a child to make noises like that. It wasn't loud, but the only way I can really describe it is like a small animal being deflated.
Like this, only with ORGANS.
I didn't dare look. Some things cannot be unseen and I'm fairly sure that was one of them. But in addition to this existential horror behind me the thought occurred that we may be in something of a modern golden age for monster movies. This was prompted by the logo for Legendary Pictures. They not only did this, but also Godzilla AND my beloved Pacific Rim.
Okay, so maybe 2 out of 3 isn't QUITE a golden age. But that's still pretty good all coming from one company. Maybe if a few more big production houses get involved Hollywood can ruin this genre like they ruined everything else. Or maybe, just MAYBE, someone's finally started trying to make films that don't suck.
And yes, I do think that it's quite appropriate to judge Jurassic World as part of the giant monster renaissance. Just because the monster isn't quite as giant as you may normally expect doesn't mean it doesn't adhere to the trappings and tropes of the genre. I've often thought it'd be interesting to see some giant monster action at slightly more realistic proportions. I never actually realized until just as I'm writing this that that's exactly what Jurassic World is doing. This may be part of the reason I like it so much.
Well, that and all the Dinosaurs.
Honestly, why would anyone be interested in this?
I mean, there are some of those mammal things scurrying around as well, but mostly we're there for the Dinosaurs. However it's worth mentioning that whilst Jurassic World is a good monster film, and a fantastic Jurassic Park film (not that there's honestly much competition there) what it ISN'T is an accurate and scientifically plausible palaeontology documentary. Obviously there are a number of issues with how the depiction of the animals conflicts with our current scientific understanding. Personally I didn't find any of these particularly objectionable. After all, possible behavioural traits are always open to interpretation. And I'm not going to worry too much about the lack of feathers until they actually start trying to get the damn NAMES right.
Pictured: the most convincing argument AGAINST scientific accuracy in a Jurassic Park film.
I don't even know what the Raptors in the film are really meant to be. They're not only way too big to be Velociraptor, they're actually a bit large for Deinonychus. Although perhaps a little small for Utahraptor. Maybe they're not fully grown? Still, there is a precedent in the films (however unfortunate) for using that term for that animal. And to be fair you can't really have characters running around shouting stuff like "Look out! The indeterminate Dromeosaurian Therapods possibly related to Deinonychus or similar taxa are attacking!". Well, not if you want any of them to actually survive the whole sentence without being eaten.
"Seriously, the next one of you bastards to start debating cladistics, I'll shoot you myself"
Anyway, whilst there are numerous scientific inaccuracies, one of the best thing a film like this does is give actual experts a platform to point them out, and more importantly talk about the whys and hows of how we know this. It's not like the film is actually pretending to be a documentary. Indeed, I've got actual documentaries that contain just as much raw supposition, if not more. And they get to pass off such unproven theorizing as fact simply by appearing to be speaking from a position of authority.
Seriously, the more you learn about palaeontology the more time you find yourself spending shouting "CITATION NEEDED" at episodes of Walking With Dinosaurs.
So no, those aren't Velociraptors. Yes, even if they're Utahraptors there should probably be some concessions to feathered integument in the design. Yes, whilst we're on the subject the Ornithomimids should also be feathered, probably more so than the Raptors. And no, there is no way in hell a Pterosaur could lift a full grown person. No, not even a really big one. No, not even if it was really cross. It's not the bloody Hulk. Hell, Pterosaurs are so lightly built they'd probably break something if they tried to do that.
So the reality presented by the film is somewhat exaggerated. But that's fine. That way we get all the fun of a big loud monster romp whilst we're watching it, and still get to complain about the fine details on the internet later without it ever actually spoiling out enjoyment of the film. Hell, they even manage to lampshade most of the potential problem simply by having someone point out that all the animals in the park are genetically modified anyway, and would look a lot different if they weren't patched up with bit's of other species DNA. Personally I would have gone one further and had them say that they tried going for accuracy, but feathered Dinosaurs tested poorly with focus groups or something. But that may have been a bit to much. This way at least the issue is acknowledged and we get on with the rest of the movie.
Speaking of which, we should probably spend at least some of this talking about the film itself, rather than just nitpicking the Paleontology. That, after all, is the job of the serious Paleontologists. And even if I was qualified in the field, I'm not sure I'd ever be all that serious about it.
Anyway, let's dig into proper spoiler territory.
After 20 years of successful operation the management of Jurassic World, apparently distraught at their excellent health and safety record have decided to stop tempting fate and instead start flicking it it in the balls with a wet towel. To this end they've apparently let the Weylan-Yutani corporation gain a controlling interest in Ingen and start manufacturing artificial weaponized Dinosaur hybrids, thus living up to their corporate motto.
That's not an exaggeration. There's even a company man doing his best Burke from Aliens impression. You'd think there would be easier ways to commit suicide than hubris, but I guess it takes all sorts. Arrayed against the forces of determined stupidity we have Starlord from Guardians Of The Galaxy, and what appears to be the chick from the Fifth Element after she decided to focus on her career.
"Leelo Dallas Multipass?"
So, in a shocking twist no-one could ever have predicted, the new star attraction hybrid Dinosaur escapes and turns out to be a psychotic engine of destruction and everything goes to hell in short order. This is all in keeping with principles of the franchise, which has long held that the best way to examine complex topics such as entropy and system collapse is via the medium of people being horribly eaten to death. What Jurassic World adds to the mix is that now it's not just the humans that are being slaughtered, but now the actual Dinosaurs are also at risk. and it's this move that's possibly the most cunning about the whole affair.
See, the problem with the other films (other than the fact that most of them are shit) is that whilst the whole man vs nature is all when and good, when nature is being represented by something as cool as Dinosaurs it isn't the man part of the equation we're all that interested in. We may not want the Dinosaurs to win exactly, but we certainly don't want them to lose. In creating a hideous thing that should not be type adversary both civilisation AND the natural order are put under threat, and thus are placed on the same side. There's only really one way this film can end once the stakes have been established. It's a narrative inevitability that there's no getting away from, for all the success the film has in subverting other traditional action movie beats.
Contributing to this we have the idea of the trained Raptor pack. This makes sense in a lot of ways. Raptors are one of the most iconic parts of the Jurassic Park experience, despite their taxonomic uncertainty. So casting them in a slightly more positive role makes sense in terms of both story, marketing and reinforcing the aforementioned alliance subtext. Plus it makes a lot of sense in universe, since they're meant to be so intelligent. Of course, Weyland-Yutani features wants to train them for combat, because reasons.
But we can forgive his single minded determination simply because the Jurassic Park franchise is powered exclusively by bad decisions. Plus once they inevitably DO get deployed it's actually one of the coolest bits.
We can even illustrate the necessity of bad decisions by taking a closer look at some of the park attractions presented in the film. Take a look at this idyllic scene.
Looks fun, right. Tiny squishy humans in their fragile little boats, sharing a riverbank with several species of multi-ton animal not exactly renowned for their intelligence or dexterity. The problem with sauropods is not one of attitude. When you're that big you're going to tread on someone sooner or later. And that's not even mentioning the fact that the brain and sensory organs are fairly far removed from the rest of body and generally more focused on eating than avoiding pests. And then there's the Gyrospheres.
Again, looks cool. But does anyone REALLY think this is the safest, most practical form of transport? Especially considering that these are apparently all independently controlled by the tourists inside them. All that's going to happen when you get in one of these is that you're going to end up playing human pinball. With a herd of angry Dinosaurs as the bumpers. Anyone would think the people running this park knew they were going to be in an action adventure monster disaster film. Suffice to say whilst I was in no means surprised that the kids encountered some Ankylosaurs whilst driving this thing about I was most assuredly elated. Not indeed was I disappointed. I'm looking forward to the Zen Pinball table for this I can tell you.
But I'm digressing. We're attempting to examine the plot here, not the potential for lawsuits. So let's talk about Indominus Rex.
Here we have the half T-Rex, Half Cuttlefish, Half Frog, Half carrot, Half alive, half something else antagonist of the movie. A creature allegedly bred as a new attraction for the park but (it's implied) actually serving as something of a testbed for bioweapons development. What's somewhat confusing is the fact that whilst the whole point of the creature is that it's a bigger, smarter, badder, meaner predator than your typical Therapod, everyone acts all surprised when it actually starts acting that way. Whilst they seem to be positioning Dr Wu for villain status it does have to be said that he does have a pretty good point with his big "Well, what did you think it was going to be like?" speech. Although maybe letting people know the damn thing had a built in cloaking device may have been helpful. But theat's shady bioweapons research for you.
Sure, the Indominus is somewhat overpowered, but that is rather the point. As I said earlier, what we have here is basically a giant monster movie. And a central tenant of such films is that "IT CANNOT BE STOPPED!!". At least up until the end of the movie, where the IT in question is usually stopped in pretty short order. But the whole point is to enjoy the IT wrecking shit up in grand style for an hour or so first.
One odd twist is that there's meant to be some surprise in the revelation that it it has Raptor genes in it's make-up. I mean, they've been talking about how intelligent the damn thing is for most of the film up to that point. Where did they think it was meant to be getting all that from? Also, LOOK at it. Look at the arms. Look at the elongated snout. It's hardly a great leap of deductive reasoning. Not to mention the most basic rule of monster movie genetic tampering. Which is that it's always made up of the worst possible things. Like I said, Jurassic Park runs on bad decisions.
One of the fun things about the film is the sheer amount of fan service it offers. There are many nods and references to the original movie sprinkled throughout. From the obvious such as the surprise return of Dr Wu and the appearance of the original park building, ruined and overgrown to the echoing of the originals Triceratops scene when the heroes discover a dying Sauropod. Which also features a lovely bit of animatronics. The Dinosaurs are mostly CG it's true. But there are physical effects mixed in as well, and I'm just hoping there's going to be some good making off documentaries on the DVD when it comes out.
Anyway, back to the plot. After a certain amount of disaster the Raptors are finally unleashed to hunt down the Indominus, only for the big reveal that the Indominus speaks Raptor.
What's interesting here is not just the fun we get watching through the Raptors webcams as they first race through the jungle hunting the Indominus, then turn on the human military and start eating them. Although this is also very cool and yet more proof (if proof be need be) that this whole thing is owing a bigger debt to Aliens than anyone realized. No. It's the fact that after the big Raptor attack sequence where they straight up murder a whole bunch of soldiers and have a pretty good crack at eating the heroes, we the audience are STILL ON THE RAPTORS SIDE. When they meet up with the heroes again for the big climatic battle we want them to turn on the Indominus, and when they do we cheer for them. I mean sure, those soldiers probably had families. But the Raptors have NAMES. If you're not a named character then you're basically just furniture. A special type of furniture that bleeds and screams, but still...
Congratulations on your promotion Corpral Dogmeat!
You have to feel a little sorry for Indominus Rex really. I don't mean in the sense of the ethical treatment of animals subtext Star Lord brings up, although that's obviously a good point to make.
Maybe if more animal welfare inspections looked like this it wouldn't be so much of a problem.
No, I mean the simple fact that right up until the finale she probably thought she wasn't just the main character, but probably the heroine to boot. I mean, she escapes from a cruel and oppressive confinement and spends the next hour running around being shot at by hordes of guys dressed in black at point blank range and never actually getting hit. Despite actually being a target the size of a barn. Then she finally finds what appears to be her long lost people and frees them from enslavement to turn on the cruel masters who originally imprisoned her. It's practically textbook. Aside from all the pointless murdering of other Dinosaurs she was doing. That should have been a sign really. Still, I doubt anyone had given her a book on the heroes journey or anything, so it's an understandable oversight.
Anyway, once all the redshirts with guns are removed from the equation the Raptors decide whose side they're really on. After all you may bite off the hand that shoots at you, but you're probably willing to give the hand that normally feeds you the benefit of the doubt. It may sound like they're just being inconsistent in order to pad the run time, but it does make a certain amount of sense. After all, Starlord insists that they're not ready for that sort of thing and they don't actually start going crazy until the shooting starts. Then once everything has calmed down a bit and they're confronted on the one hand with someone they know and trust, and other a fifty foot psychotic bastard it's not going to need much for that weight of narrative inevitability to point them back in the right direction.
And then things get even less plausible but SO MUCH MORE AWESOME.
Somehow I didn't even see this coming the first time around. I'd been happily carried along by the action and actually kinda forgotten about the fact that they totally have a T-Rex. But then there's Leeloo or whatever her name striking up a flare in front of a very large door and I'm all like:
See, this is how you deal with shit in these circumstances. The only thing that defeat a giant monster is an even equally big monster. But since we don't have one of those to hand how about we make up the difference by joining forces? I know that it's not really what you'd call a super-plausible scenario, but a Raptor and T=Rex teaming up to fight a giant genetic monstrosity is just so cool that I don't even care. I mean, the Raptor sits on the T-Rexs' head in between strikes! It may not be remotely realistic but it's fucking cool. Childish enthusiasm is what fuels a lot of palaeontology, and this is channelling that spirit in a hardcore fashion. This is what I meant when I said I wouldn't be all that serious as a Paleontologist.
Then Indominus just get's randomly ganked by the Mosasaur, like it was the killer whale in that one episode of Futurama.
You know you've failed as a boss monster when you're the Penguins in this equation.
This is fun little bit of subversion of the way these things usually pan out, but it does only raise more questions. Not least why it was that I had to screencap that myself as all I could find from google image search were tiny thumbnails for vore sites. Ew.
No, I specifically mean why it is that there are public areas right next to the Mosasaur pool. This being an animal that demonstrates on at least 3 occasions throughout the film it's quite happily capable of propelling itself out of the water should anything take it's fancy.
Pictured: Not an animal that cares about small fences.
If the tiny fence around the pool can get broken by a Dinosaur crashing into it then there's no way it's going to stand up to that monstrosity. That thing is ridiculously huge. I wasn't kidding when I said the management were tempting fate. It's a wonder the park managed to stay open long enough for the film to happen. I'm glad it did though, because it's a really fun movie.
Even better it's incredibly meta, since you could interpret the whole Indominus Rex thing as a comment on the nature of remakes and sequels and the problems of blind insistence on gimmicks without any regard to merit or practicality. In that spirit I decided to watch it the second time in 3D. Partly because I was curious, partly because I'd wanted to do that with Pacific Rim but mostly because going was a spur of the moment decision and the next showing available was a 3D one.
I think the best thing I can say about it was that it didn't cause me any pain or nausea, only slight occular discomfort. Aside from that I still can't really see the point. Most of the time all it does is make the whole thing look like it was shot on greenscreen, or on several occasions that the whole thing was being done via back projection, one actor at a time.
PROGRESS!
I really don't see how it's meant to add to the spectacle, but I guess that's just me. Distractingly out of focus objects in the foreground and background and cheap looking chromakey are apparently the way of the future. At least up to the point the turn around and start eating all the guards.
Anyway, the only thing I think that's left to discuss is the question of sequels. The film is a nice, self contained story, serving as both sequel and tribute to the original. But there is a certain amount of groundwork being laid. This isn't even stuff that could be described as unresolved plot threads. It's blatant sequel bait. Luckily for us the film has the good grace to make it incidental to the story being told here. If nothing comes of it then it doesn't really effect the resolution of this story. But there is the whole shadowy scheme to weaponize Dinosaurs that's implied to have had a hand in the development of the Indominus. Doctor Wu is escorted away by the shady Ingen paramilitary types with a stash of mysterious embryos (that are totally not more evil killer hybrid dinosaurs at all) and mentions of shady dealing going on. And then we have a T-Rex loose on the island with a set of nice identifying scars to prove what a badass it is, and a maybe friendly Raptor lurking around somewhere as well. So there are hooks left over should the demand arise. But in all honesty, given the way the plot is obviously headed (as well as the disturbing precedent of the other sequels) I can't help but think that rather than going for Jurassic World 2 or Jurassic World War (or hell, Jurassic World War 2, since apparently their giving the hybrids Hitler DNA to make them evil) we just all admit that what we really want here is to make a big budget adaptation of Dino-Riders.
Just don't fuck it up like you did with Transformers.
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