Saturday, 9 October 2010

It's A Great Day To Be An 8 Year Old

Man I was ill today. I mean, I'd been plagued with this horrible cough for weeks (whatever happened to that nice cough you used to have?) but it wasn't really going anywhere. But then just last night, bam! It kicks in with a vengeance,  Because tonight was the first night of Doctor Who Live. So you see, whether it's just a cold, Lazeres Disease or even Spectrox Toxaemia, I'm not going to let you stop me now!

If any ladies in the audience think they may have Spectrox Toxemia I'm quite willing to provide the milk of my queen bat. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Anyway, loaded up on drugs and industrial strength cough syrup I wend my merry way up to Wembley Arena for the start of the festivities. After a long wait for the doors to open we get let in to peruse the overpriced crap. Some may call it unfair to label the merchandise thus. But when you can purchase for a price no less than EIGHT earth pounds a Cyberman mask that differs only from one cut out from the back of a packet of breakfast cereal in thickness of the material it is printed on I feel quite justified. Not that that stopped me getting a t shirt and program. Anyway, still further waiting around aimlessly is mandated before they actually let us anywhere near the seats. Perhaps so we don't have time to run away and ask for a refund. The seating is..... Not great. Small, cramped and far from the most padded or comfortable things I've ever sat on. There are also issues with the elevation of the rows. Namely there barely is any. Now, including the line "Fuck you, short people" in your customer service statement is interesting at the best of times. But when you're holding a show in which half the audience is liable to children?

Somebody somewhere is missing the point. I'm just saying that if you're paying forty quid for a seat you'd expect something a little less obviously cheap.

Now, before I discuss the actual show I'd like to address a couple of issues. Firstly SIT THE FUCK DOWN. Seriously. I know the view is not great. I know that when the monsters are wandering up the aisles they can be difficult to see. But you've just ensured that NO ONE behind you can see either whats going on in aisles, nor indeed on the stage. Including the giant screen where the video feeds of the wandering monsters are projected. So thanks for that. Secondly, this is a pretty big arena. Your shitty camera phone is not going to get a single shot worth a damn. Put the camera away, SIT THE FUCK DOWN and watch the show. If you want a souvenir buy a goddamn T-Shirt like everyone else.

The show itself is, of course, well wicked. Essentially what we have here is a natural outgrowth of the proms performances. Some spiel from the stage, some music, some video montages and Monsters wandering about the audience. Only now we have a plot to go with the spectacle. And it's the plot of Carnival Of Monsters. The only thing missing is the Drashigs killing everyone for an encore, which does come as slight disappointment I admit.

And for my next trick: YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

So yeah, there's enough sly references to the classics to keep any fanboy happy. It certainly worked for me. And so the show goes on. Not operating with a full orchestra we get some rather interesting rock based arrangements of various pieces from the soundtrack, which work amazingly well. Seriously, if these versions don't see some sort of release it would be a crime and I may be forced to unleash the Myrka in retribution.


You WILL fear his wrath.

Speaking of the Myrka, at first glance the roster of monsters on offer may seem a little... odd. I mean yeah, there's Daleks and Cybermen and even Ood. But Smilers? Scarecrows? Hardly the classicest ones to break out. But it's worth noting that cost and practicality are the keys here. It's be awesome to have the Sontarans for example. However the Saturnyne Vampire girls are cheap, simple and perhaps most important a quick costume change. I don't begrudge them a focus on the new series at all, and the show they've put together is great. I am however greedy. And thus want MORE.

Anyway some highlights: Obviously Cybermen stomping around the place is inveterately cool. Cybermen giving the "you belong to us...." bit is massively cool. Cybermen pulling a (planted) guy out of the audience and upgrading him then and there is, however, priceless. As is having a pair of Weeping Angels show up and kill a whole load of police using nothing more than creative lighting and misdirection. Truly wicked..

Then of course there's the Daleks.

DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!!!

Now, whether or not you're particularly enamoured of the new design you simply cannt deny just how exciting it was seeing them trundle out onto the stage. I mean you have the awesome metalled up version of the music and a DALEK RIGHT THERE ON STAGE!!! And THEN there's MORE Daleks!!! We get Dalek vision camera feeds on the screen!! And then they have a fight with the Cybermen!!! And it works a hell of a lot better than in Doomsday which despite it's merits is, essentially, overblown fanwank.

Anyway, we get some really clever projection integrating the ore filmed segments with Matt Smith, going from transmitting to the main screen to being trapped in a box on one side of the stage. It's a really creative way of getting around not actually having him as part of the show.

And yeah, in the finale there is, as promised, a flying Dalek. And yeah, it's impressive. I'm not entirely sure how they managed it. You can see the underside so it doesn't seem to be on a lift. And the way it moves doesn't look like wires. And a Dalek is hardly the lightest thing in the world. Some cunning combination of techniques no doubt. Anyway, you will believe a Dalek can fly.

Anyway, theres only one major thing left to mention, and that's Vorgensson himself. Intergalactic showman and the binding glue of the whole show. The performance given is suitably theatrical (if perhaps not strictly kosher) and quite in suiting to the ongoing rigmarole. Channeling the spirit of Henry Gordon Jago as well as the great Vorg himself he makes for an enjoyable neer do well host. Almost hard to believe he was once Neil in the Young Ones. Still, I guess that's what they call acting.

So, overall we have some great music, cool monsters, fun performances and a big grin on the heart of every true Doctor Who fan. A great success overall I'd say. One can only wonder whether or not the camera data is being saved and we'll get some form of dvd release in the future. It'd certainly make for a great inclusion in the next boxset.

Anyway, I left in high spirits. Even feeling a sense of hope for the future of humanity after witnessing all the boys and girls running around with sonic screwdrivers.

So of course british rail decided to spoil it by turning off half the trains just as thousands of people are exiting the arena and converging on the station. This is the sort of logic that is so unlogic it actually eats other logic and then shits out ducks or something. I dunno. You'd have to be either evil or insane to think that was a good idea. And either way you will never be popular.

But fuck those guys. That was a damn good night out despite everything, and I would heartily recommend it. Just make sure you've got an aisle seat, are as far down the front as possible, and shoot whoever is in the row in front.

Friday, 1 October 2010

Films For Goths Part The Umpteenth

It's difficult to know what to say about The Crow. I don't wish to imply that it's by any way a bad film, because it really isn't. However it's one of those pieces that will forever be coloured by it's association with the death of it's star. Whilst this is of course a tragic turn of events it can't be denied that it is also fantastic PR. It does also rather beg the question that, as good as the performance is, would have as much of a shit had been given had he lived? This is something that we'll never know of course, but does anybody really think that Heath Ledger would have got an Oscar for his rendition of the Joker if his he was still alive?

Either way, there is a salient lesson to be learnt here. If anyone ever offers you the role of an iconic comic book character that involves greasepaint and smiley faces, decline. Politely.

Of course, this film has gone on to become rather iconic, and it has to be said deservedly so. It is a quality production all around. I suppose the thing that really struck me when I re watched it was how simplistic it really is. I don't mean that in any particularly derogatory sense, but it is very much a black and white setting. The bad guys are uniformly irredeemable bastards, fully deserving of the impending vengeance about to be dished out. The hero was a nice happy guy with a nice happy girlfriend and a nice happy life (even if they are goths), until the bad guys come in and do their thing. This is helped along by the strong performances of the various gang members, particularly the big bad, who is delightfully despicable.

Visually of course we get some treats from the pre CGI age, with some lovely model work. Whilst it's perhaps interesting to contemplate how it would be done differently in this day age I really can't see that it would be significantly improved upon in anyway. The use of colour is actually subtle enough that I didn't really notice until it was pointed out in the attendant documentary. It's nice to see that level of detail in use in a production, with everything contributing to the overall mood of the piece.

Is it a very good film? Yes. Did it make me want to dig out the graphic novel and read it again? Most certainly. Are the legion of straight to video sequels probably a load of bollocks? I would guess so. However it's worth noting that none of them could be as bad as proposed musical version starring Micheal Jackson that James O'Barr mentions in the extras.

And now you know what's wrong with Hollywood.

Saturday, 25 September 2010

And Now I Hate Life And Everything In It

I realize I haven't posted anything here in a long time. There are a few reasons for that. Partly I've been dealing with my various crippling emotional problems, partly I've been busy and stressed out with work. Mostly I've been playing City Of Heroes, but that's another story.

Tonight though, I'd like to talk about something a little different. For some reason (which I assure you has everything to do with not being able to play CoV at the moment) I decided to experiment with one of those random chat sites. You know, the ones no sane person would go near because they know full well are full of lunatics and their wangs?

Well, let me dispel a few myths for you and tell you what it's REALLY like.

WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG.

You know those amussing conversations you sometimes see scrren caps of? Doesn't happen. Amusing conversation is a myth. Coherent conversation exists only in the fevered dreams of madmen, and the roads are paved with wang. Everything bad you have ever heard is true and you should, under no circumstance EVER try this at home kids.

The irony of course is that I did this as an experiment in socialization. Being a naturally introverted sort I figured I'd attempt a bit of random conversation to boost my gregariousness rank, which has so far served as a dump stat of the highest order. Not that the penalty has allowed me to actually buy any perks, but I digress. It's like people keep saying, I need to get out there and meet people. Well you know what? THEY WERE ALL MASTURBATING AT ME!! ALL OF THEM!!

I Don't want to meet anyone EVER AGAIN. Even worse, I don't think I'll ever be able to bring myself to actually jerk off again. Seriously, it's just not an option anymore. Sex is dead to me. I HAVE NO SEXUALITY. I renounce the very concept of gender. I've had enough of this disgusting biological compulsion.

The thing that really baffles me (because now I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT) is who, exactly, are they meant to be impressing? I mean even if there WERE any girls on the internet and any of them were niave or stupid enough to go on one of these sites and you somehow managed to connect to them entirely at random do you really think that the best way to way to attract a lady is to state, in the most unequivical terms possible, that you are in fact a COMPLETE WANKER?!?!!

Seriously ladies, help me out here. Let me know if you ever actually think "you know, I'm REALLY in the mood to looking at some creepy weirdo jerking off on a webcam". And I'll let you know that you are in fact not a lady but a fat bearded guy called keith who is at this moment sat in a darkened room jerking off into a webcam. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. JUST STOP.

Now, if you'll exuse me I'm going to go pour bleach into every single hole in my body in a vain attempt to scrub the internet out of it.

Friday, 10 September 2010

Many Merry Metroids Madly Mutilate Massively Morose Mangled Mimes

I'm rather torn over Metroid: Other M. It's not really a bad game. But I have far to many problems with it to consider it great. Now, I get that they were trying something a little different this time round, and I don't think thats a bad thing. But somehow the whole thing doesn't quite come come together as a satisfying experience in the way that, say, Metroid Prime did. So since it's bugging me I'm going to attempt to ennumerate the various problems I have with the game. And be warned, the following screed will contain spoilers. So if you're worried about the plot you're playing the wrong fucking game.

I suppose the place to start would be simply with my expectations. It's these I think that really interfered with my enjoyment early on. You see, I was expecting a Metroid game. Now, what that means to different people is, naturally enough, different. For me the most enjoyable aspect of previous Metroid games was the expolration aspect. Navigating a hostile environment, backtracking as you find new abilities which allow you to access new areas, that whole bit. Whilst there is a bit of this in Other M it's sadly rather minor. The "plot" has a habit of continually forcing you forward, locking doors behind you and generally not letting you just wander around doing your own thing. Instead there's a greater emphasis on the action and shooting thousands of bad guys part. This isn't a bad thing per se, but gets rather frustrating when you're wanting to go off and look for energy tanks or whatever.

The controls work fairly well, about as good as one might expect. The auto targeting is not always great, but works well enough. Although your tendancy to let of charged shots at menacing sections of air rather than the deadly space pirates who are RIGHT THERE YOU STUPID WOMAN!! THERE!!! SHOOT THAT!!!!!!!! does get a little annoying. Switching to stationary first person mode for the missiles isn't too bad either, although since "stand there and get shot" isn't the greatest strategy in the world you don't tend find yourself doing it unless you really need to.

Then theres the whole recharging thing. One of the interesting things we read about was the fact that you can recharge your health and missiles at any time by pointing the wiimote up and a holding a button. This is not technically a lie. You can fill up your missiles like this at any point. Your health however is another matter entirely. Sure, you can recharge it, but only when your health dips below a certain level. And it doesn't recharge your full health either. You can (eventually) find power ups to improve these, but the feature really isn't as useful as it perhaps sounds on paper. Thanks to the plethora of save points you hardly need to use it when fighting normal enemies as you're never really that far away from a recharge. And when you're fighting a boss and actually needs to you'll quickly find the time taken to get any health back is almost always slightly less than it takes for whatever is killing you to run across the room and finish the job. Similarly with the missiles you just don't use enough to actually need to recharge them much, except perhaps in the case of a boss where you don't have the time.

Since the missiles are rather unsuited to the frenetic pace of the combat I did find myself using the charged shot a lot more than I usually would. I know you're really supposed to, but I've always been a rapid fire kind of guy. This works just fine upto when you get the diffusion beam which generate some rather lovely wide area effects that effect multiple badguys and similtaneously stop you from seeing what the hell is actually going on. This is not desperately helpful it has to be said. Then theres the dramatic finishing moves you can do by running toward a stunned enemy whilst charging. The camera zooms in dramatically as you grapple the foe, discharging your beam at point blank range. IN THEORY. Sometimes it works and it's great. Sometimes you'll be trying to charge up and get too close and do a finishing move on something you didn't mean too. Sometimes you'll do one (normally by accident) on some big nasty and by the time the camera has zoomed in and you realize whats happening the foe has kicked you off. I don't think it's a bad feature, but it could be fine tuned a little. Of course then there's some bosses that seem to REQUIRE a particular finishing move, which may look very dramatic but what was wrong with simply filling the bastard with electric death until he stops moving?

What I've talked about so far are really only niggles. Stuff that's just not quite to my taste, or that I may overlook if overshadowed by other, more enjoyable elements. But now I've got to talk about the big stuff. The stuff that REALLY gets me. The worst elements of the game bar none. It's time to talk about plot and characterisation.

It feels odd to be discussing the characterisation of a silent protagonist, but that I think is where the major problem lies. Since previously Samus has been basically a non entity the player has been free to projuect whatever they like onto her in the games. Everyone has their own version in their heads, and the character will be fairlt idealized since we never have to put up with her doing anything clearly retarted in a cut scene. All she does is run, jump, shoot aliens and maybe wear a swimsuit if you find enough secrets. Until now. Because one of the big deals with this game is how it will fill in her character and story. They told us we'd learn new things about the character.

I bet noone was thinking they'd learn she was a moronic weakling with an unexploded biological clock.

Really, some of the stuff they have her do is frankly baffling. The most glaring example I can think of is when Ridley inevitably makes his appearance. That he's supposedly dead at this pint is largely irrelevant. I mean, he's been killed in basically EVERY OTHER METROID GAME EVER. You'd think Samus would be used to this by now. Just look for the glowing red bit and apply a liberal coat of missile, right?

No. She instead has a freakout and lets her mate get puched in the lava. To say this undermines the character on a massive scale is like saying that mining involves a bit of digging. This is, after all, a woman who has actually destroyed more planets than both Death Stars combined (I.E. more than 1). Just no, okay?
Then there's the way that she keeps saying baby. There is a perculiar emphasis in the vocal performance that has just a hint of dangerous fixation. I might overlook this if not for the scene where an infant Metroid appears and rather than blasting it she regards it as if it were a baby bunny or something. Luckily we're spared the scene of her kidnapping the damn thing to raise as her own since she takes a single shot to the back and promptly collapses like a sack of shit.

Again, JUST NO. Do you have any conception of just how much energy calibrated to the precise frequency of death I have absorbed up to this point? If you could save up all the plasma that's been fired in my general direction you could start up a small sun. If you kept all the missiles launched at face you could have a cold war all by youself. And I certainly had more than one bleeding energy tank. I don't know what gun it is that can do that to Samus in a single shot, but I want one. That thing would have blasted Ridley into a pteradactyl shaped stain faster than you can swear at this cutscene for being a load fucking bollocks.

Now, I'm sure you're familiar with the basic outline of the plot. samus recieves distress signal, goes to rescue, meets up with space marines and has a history. I'll get into more detail in a bit. But there's one particular aspect that, fundamentally, RUINS the game. At the beginning of the story Samus allegedly has all her powerups. Everything you unlocked in Super Metroid she has in some form or another. But then, on a dangerous mission into unknown territoy swarming with powerful and hostile enemies; enemies that have already killed every single person in the area, the space marine officer who you meet simply tells you not to use any of your powerful, deadly and life saving abilities. And then you don't. You COULD. I mean, you've got them right there. Better weapons, better armour, the whole deal. You just.... don't.

Now, traditionally of course a large chunk of any Metroid game is spent unlocking your power ups. But in every other game you DON'T ALREADY HAVE ALL OF THEM ON YOU. Maybe you didn't start with them at all. Maybe you did but then they all got brocken, or stolen or something. Thats all fine. You're working towards restoring all your powers and makes narrative sense. But here we're explicitly told that we already have everything we need. We're not having our ass burnt off in the lava level because we haven't found the Varia suit yet. We simply can't be bothered to turn it on. There is, put simply, NO CALL FOR THIS BULLSHIT. Take the powers away by all means. Drop her in a reactor, pretend she left them at home. Something. AMYTHING. Anything that makes the slightest bit of sense. Hell, we start up after the end of Super Metroid, right? Just say the suit got trashed when you were escaping from the exploding planet.

If you bring a gun to knife fight you use the gun. You don't use a spoon. Especially just because your grandmother doesn't really like knives very much.

So here we get to once again undermine the character of Samus (seriously, what kind of idiot would tolerate this shit?), spit in the face of common sense and similtaneously build up an intense hatred of what is supposed to be an important character. He's supposed to be a significant figure from Samus past, but you just want him to fuck off and die so you can finally use power bombs. This of course does not aid in the "plot".

Oh god, the "plot". Right, well I've got to address this sooner or later. So, basically it's resident evil in space. The military are conducting some OBVIOUSLY BAD IDEA experiments in bioweapons research. Which as we all know always ends well and nothing ever goes wrong. Anyway, since everything has inevitably gone wrong the space marines have been called in and Samus has crashed the party. Everythings going great until the marines start turning up dead and we finf out that there's a traitor who's there to get the t-virus or whatever and eliminate any witnesses. So at this point it becomes guess which one is Wesker. Anyway, investigations continue and we find out that not only were they breeding Grizbies, they were breeding SPACE PIRATES.

You see what a great idea that is?

It's okay though, because in order to control the space pirates they've built an A.I. A COPY OF MOTHER BRAIN.

NOTHING COULD GO WRONG.

In addition to this they scrapped all the shit off Samus' suit at the end of Super Metroid and CLONED RIDLEY. Though, to be fair they didn't know that at first as initially he came out looking like a goddamn furby or something. So we'll let them off a little...

OH WAIT THEY WERE CLONING METROIDS AS WELL. And not just Metroids. They were improving them. Creating a new breed that was resistant to cold. The fact that at no point does anyone refer to these as Super Metroids is a crime equalled by the fact that at no point do we even SEE one.

After all the build up and slogging our way through to the ominously named Sector 0 we instead get shot in the back (as previously mentioned) by that bastard who wouldn't let us use the goddamn power bombs. Then for some reason it turns out he's not Wesker as he goes into Sector 0, ejects it and makes it self destruct whilst you're spazzing about on the floor. The rationale behind this course of action being that since we haven't finished killing Ridley yet someones got to, and he really can't be bothered. The elation we feel at his death is somewhat marred by not actually getting access to our remaining power ups. That and the creeping feeling that they didn't have time to finish the game so a level got cut and the "plot" moved around to fit.

So, we're railroaded in whatever direction only to find that Ridleys allready dead, thus once again undermining all that build up. Also worth noting at this stage there's very few candidates for wesker left. Basically one. Although we haven't seen all the bodies, so someone may yet come back from the grave. Anyway it seems that Ridley got ganked by a Queen Metroid! Shock! Horror! Oh wait it's not actually a Super Queen Metroid, just a regular one. After a bit of fighting you destroy the Queen with a power bomb after looking it up online because at no point do you actually get to use power bombs until you're 5 seconds away from death in the Queens gastrointestinal pouch and nobody actually bothers to mention that you can now. That's something we like to call bullshit.

Anyway, now we find out that the survivor that we met earlier but I haven't mentioned yet isn't actually who she said she was. She's actually the Mother Brain A.I. They gave her human form so she could bond with the infant Metroids and better control them. You know, because she won't obviously go crazy and kill everyone. So, of course she went crazy and killed everyone. Anyway, you find this other survivor who's actually who she says who exposits all this before crazybot 5000 comes to fucking kill us.But then the army also turn up from fucking nowhere and theres a brief fight and then they guy who fell in the lava comes back from the grave despite being black but he's friendly so it's okay and then roll the credits.

And that whole plot about one of the marines being dodgy? IT IS NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN. You could almost put it down to lies told by little miss kilbot were it not for the cutscene showing one marine booting the dead deceased corpse of another into the lava. At the time this was pretty cool. It added a bit of mystery. One of the possible suspects is actually dead, but we don't know which. Now that's ignored completely, and the one who's left unnaccounted for? Nobody gives a shit. he's never mentioned either.

After the credits you get to go back to the ship before the army blow it up and can FINALLY get some proper exploring in, fight a giant random space monster and then trigger a timed escape in true Metroid fashion. However even this is not without it's hideous glaring problems. See, apparently it turns out that rather than going back to, let's say, look for that one guy who's missing and everyone has forgotten about, Samus has actually gone back for a souvenier of that dead bastard who wouldn't let me use any of my goddamn power ups. So we eventually get to the room where he safely locked himself away whilst everyone else was off dying for the cause, and for some reason deactivates her power suit before picking up his discarded helmet Natuarally at this point the timer kicks in. Now, when you've got to evacuate an exploding space craft and posses a suit of powered armour that protects you against damage, vaccum, and gravitational anomolies whilst similataneously providing you with speed boosts, enhanced jumping and the firepower to destroy anything in your way would you not think it a good idea to FUCKING USE IT? Or am I being to obvious. Now, there's plently of time on the clock. You can reach your ship with a minute or two to spare, even if you fuck up a bit. But that's not the point. The point is that Samus is acting like a complete retard AGAIN. For NO good reason whatsoever.

And the real burn? After you've gone through all that, even with 100% pickups, you don't get a swimsuit picture. You don't get FUCKING ANYTHING. No hidden ending, no bonus scene, no answer to the subplot that you spent 80% of the game investigating and then everyone forgot. I guess theres the concept art gallery, but still....

Overall, whilst it's fun in places this was a dissapointing experience. There's stuff they got right to be sure. Just being able to continue from when you die rather than a save point 10 minutes away is a great step in the right direction. But considering how much they were harping on about the story being important in this couldn't thety have at least TRIED having one? If the plot of other M was incarnated as a person I would punch him in the face. The poor construction, random tangents and brutally unfinished threads really seem to suggest that something's missing here. Either there were some major cuts and things had to be put back together pretty quickly, or I guess they got bored halfway through or something. The whole buisness with the way they rationed powerups was just dumb and the characterisation of the series main character was, after all the build up, fantastically lame. Sure it can be fun enough to play if you can ignore the plot. But you can't.

Oh, and a word about cutscenes. There are a few things a cutscene in a game should be. Ideally it should be short and to the point. Crucially it should be both skippable (in the event you've already scene it) and pausable (in the event that you haven't). Sadly the cutscenes here lack any of these characteristics. You can get away with a lack of one set of these characteristics only in the event you've got the others nailed down. Quite why in this day and age nobodies managed to come up with a cutscene you can pause is frankly baffling.  There is no call for this behaviour. We have the technology. We can rebuild him Get with the goddamn program people.

I want to like this game more than I should. Out of 10 I'm tempted to rate it a 6 or 7, but really, once you take all the problems into consideration, it's about a 5 tops. And Metroid games have very little buisness down that end of the scale.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Get A Robo

I would love to say that the reason I decided to get Machinarium was that after my experience playing the golden cuntass I wanted to a truly great game to play. However the real reason is sadly far more prosaic: It was on sale.

I'd heard about it a while ago of course, and played the demo and liked it, but never actually gotten around to buying it. Then I found out you could buy it for a mere $5 for a limited time only. And that limited time only expired the day I found out. So it wasn't so much a decision as a mad scramble to grab it as quickly as possible. If you didn't buy it in the last week or so you missed out. Sorry about that.

How to describe it? Well, obviously it's a point and click adventure game from an independant studio, but that only takes us so far. I think one word I've seen used a bit is "whimsical". The art style and presentation does I suppose fall into this category. The whole thing being hand drawn in a style reminiscent of an old childrens book. It all looks quite lovely and just goes to show how irrelevent the latest generation of hyper advanced graphics really are. The whole thing runs in FLASH for fucks sake. The storyline and events follow this storybook feel as well, and the whole thing does have a lovely timeless quality to it. A nice touch is the total lack of text or speech, with everything being expressed via though bubble images and animations. Literally anyone from anywhere could pick this up and get on with playing with no fuss. Both family and forigner friendly, you don't see that everyday.

Gameplay what we have of course is a series of puzzles of various difficulty. Judging these sort of things is always tricky, as you'll always spend ages stuck on at least one thing that, after you actually work it out, seems pretty obvious. However the game comes with a hint and help system, so getting really stuck shouldn't be a major problem. There's a couple of mini games strewn about to keep things varied, including space invaders. Yes, actual space invaders. Pure class.

My only real problem with the game is the length. It's not nearly as long as I'd like. This is I suppose a testament to how much I was enjoying the game. I'd just really gotten into playing it and found myself at the end. Obviously I'm not going to complain about much considering how little the game cost me, but I can't help but wonder if I'd feel more dissapointed at the end had I paid full price. really it's hard to say. This is a top quality game, and it's obvious a fair amount of effort has gone into it. Maybe I'm just being greedy.

One thing that I did particularly feel when playing though was that this is a game that NEEDS to be on the Wii. It's pretty much perfect for a Wiiware port. Obviously the Wii is a great system for this style of point of click game, and whilst I did say that the game felt a little short this wouldn't be a bad thing for a Wiiware game. However it was in the arcade section that this really struck me. There's a bit where you have to power up the machines using a pedal powered generator by circling the mouse. This is the sort of thing that would convert well to the Wiis motion controls. Theres one or two other waggly bits in there as well that really make me wonder just why it is nobody seems to have thought about porting this. It's a crime.

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Halfway to Hell

So, I've been playing The Golden Compass for about 6 hours now. I think I'm about halfway through. I also think I've got a good handle on the game by now. In all honesty I think I can describe the experience using two words. On the one hand one of these words is "good". On the other hand the preceding word is "not".

Before I briefly touched on the reasons why movie adaptations are usually pretty poor. This game demonstrates pretty much everything I said. Oh, where to begin?

Firstly I suppose I should correct one of my initial suppositions. I thought this would be doubly bad as it was the game of the film of the book. But I neglected to properly take into account the fact that I was playing on the Wii. Obviously I don't consider the Wii a bad console or I wouldn't own one, but it has become clear to me that cross platform releases invariably suffer on the system as they sloppily ported across with a bit of token waggle instead of the occasional button press rather than actually being developed for the system itself. So what we actually have here is the port of the game of the film of the book. By all rights there is no way anyone could play something with that many iterative qualifications and not kill themselves.

The fact that I haven't yet is testament to the fact that at least SOMEONE was trying to make a half decent game. That or modern life really has numbed me to all but the most shocking atrocities.

The most obvious thing about the game is how unfinished it feels. The opening prelude feels tacked on, basically being there to demonstrate that you will get to be a bear an punch things in the face. Then you're back to the actual start of the story and everything non bear related that you were introduced to gets introduced again. Things proceed well enough to start with, but you quickly realize that there's a lot of stuff that's been cut out in order to get the thing finished in time. The first and most noticeable of these being the camera controls. When you're running around in a platforming / exploration type game mode it would be REALLY helpful to actually see around you and where you're actually meant to be going. Although for all the exploration touted on the box the levels are rather small or linear. The next thing they left out was any chance of actually following the plot. Since big chunks of it are missing, presumed absent. Instead we get some VERY brief clips from the movie and the implicit assumption that we know whats supposed to be happening so we don't actually need to be told. The levels do a good enough job of presenting certain parts of the story, however they are so poorly linked together that it you really can't help but wonder if there wasn't supposed to be something else in between. I'll give them points for actually using some movie clips instead of cut scenes, but sadly their not actually enough to impart the story to any coherent degree. Had you no prior knowledge of the story I can't see you following whats meant to be going on with massive ease.

Gameplay wise there is actually some hint of promise. As I said before you've got a bit of exploration and jumping when you're playing as Lyra. They way they use her Daemon and his shape changing ability is actually pretty good. Each mode essentially giving you a different ability to assist you in getting around. However I do have to say that the whole unfinished vibe is still fully in effect, with plenty of places that possess invisible force fields preventing access rather than more sensible level design. Really, if you don't want me to jump over that fence couldn't you just MAKE IT TALLER or something? Bit of barbed wire on the top maybe?

No. No, that would be far to obvious.

Other than this you have to navigate various conversations via the medium of mini games. On paper I'm sure this sounds like a good idea. You compete in these various little games and your success (or lack thereof) affect the dialogue outcome. And it's not an entirely bad idea. It does however get a bit old a bit quick. Whilst they do introduce new minigames as the levels progress this really just means you end up hoping for the or two you're actually good at to come up. Needless to say some are better than others. When confronted with a dangerous situation we get an evasion event, wherein you have to keep dodging the enemy until they concuss themselves to death. This could be interesting but is basically just a quicktime event and therefore not really worth talking about.

One actually interesting thing is the implementation of the titular Golden Compass itself. Even though it never gets called that. But never mind. You do get to use the Aletheometer. As you progress you unlock meanings for the various symbols. You also get questions, each requiring 3 keywords. Should you already have that keyword unlocked then all well and good. Should you not then you need to guess which symbol to set the Aletheometer to. You don't really need all 3, as the divination minigame is doable with only 2, but the more you have the easier it is. This of course does add to the whole exploration aspect, as you can go looking for hidden meanings. However it's not like there's any way of knowing if you've missed any, and no backtracking once a level is complete. This isn't anything you can't overcome with a little intuitive guesswork, but the fact that when you do guess a symbols meaning it isn't added to your list is a rather glaring oversight.

Graphic are not usually something I bother with getting all niggly over, and I fully realize that the Wii isn't a ultrashiny fountain of tedious blingmapping. However this REALLY doesn't look very good. The Wii is capable of doing a LOT better than whats on display here. Maybe it's the result of rushed and dodgy port. Let's just say that things aren't exactly optimised. Seriously, I haven't textures as low res as some of these since I last played Doom. And at least there everything was consistent.

Thus far then we have a fairly rough, obviously unfinished game. Whilst it does feature some good ideas they aren't implemented successfully enough to make up for all the other problems. It's an interesting attempt at non violent gameplay, just not as successful as another 6 months of development time and a bit of polishing would have given us. And of course any pacifistic qualities are soon going to be undercut quite painfully by a very large and angry armour plated bear.

Whether or not the remaining half of the game will actually give me anything new to say remains to be seen.

This Is How Wii Do It

There are certain rules that should always be followed with console gaming. Never buy a system in the first year of its release, wait a month after a game is released and the price may become reasonable, maybe those really cheap games are on sale for a reason, you will probably regret buying that ultimate collectors edition version and only buy a current gen FPS if you really like the colours brown or grey.

However there may be exceptions to these rules. It is, after all at least technically possible that a console might come out with more than one game that's actually worth buying. I'm not saying it's likely, but it is TECHNICALLY possible. Occasionally a game might come out that you like the look of enough to buy straightaway at full price, there are occasional gems in the shovelware pile.

However there is one rule that is basically universal, across all times and systems. One that everybody knows and still breaks anyway:

NEVER buy a movie tie in.

Just as movies of games tend to lack a certain something (such as plot, talent or a single good reason for existing) games of movies tend to be poor affairs. Rushed out in order to tie in with release dates and quickly relegated to the bargain bin. Bought buy unwitting parents for soon to be disappointed children and quickly traded in for a few pence of Generic Shooter 5. It's simply a question of forced adaption syndrome. Some media simply does not translate well into other media. If the process is to work even slightly it takes time and care. Just look at the string of broken novels and franchises Hollywood has left behind over the years. They can't even make a decent film based on a film.

So I decided to completely ignore the cardinal rule of gaming and have bought myself The Golden Compass on the Wii.

Why? Well, partly so I can really see how the rule holds up with first hand experience and write about it. Partly because I had recently read the book (though I was hardcore enough to read a copy with the original title at least), and thus it would be interesting to see how the story was filtered double filtered through it's various adaptations. I mean, this is the game of the film of the book. If anything has a right to be hilariously bad it's this. Mostly however it's because it was cheap. I was shopping for games, it was there and only five pounds. The elements of destiny collided and now here I am, set to embark on my epic quest.

Let's see how this turns out, shall we?

Thursday, 12 August 2010

5 insane but true things about small green pieces of paper


  1. Although widely considered by many to be quite happy, small green pieces of paper suffer from levels of existenial angst the likes of which your average depressed teenager can only dream.

  2. The frequent movements of small green pieces of paper are due to several outstanding arrest warrants and the continuing pursuit of the FBI, rather than any genuine desire to see the world.

  3. Small green pieces of paper are only able to achieve full sexual arousal in the hands of a dedicated and experienced origami master.

  4. Some small green pieces of paper live in constant of fear of large white pieces of paper, which they claim originate from the planet Mars.

  5. Despite what many people believe there are in fact no vegetarian small green pieces of paper.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

With A Heavy Sigh

As nights out go, tonight held some rather unusual suprises. Most notably that for once the Underworld actually opened it's doors ON TIME. Or at least as within a few minutes of 7PM. This is, I think, a first in all the years I've been going to gigs there and as such is a cause for celebration.

Of course, once we got in we find that the merch stall doesnh't actually have any Sigh CD's. I personally find this particular oversight a little odd. How many concerts have you ever been to where the headline band didn't have any of their own stuff on sale? I mean, sure they had a T shirt with the logo on, but I was already wearing one of those. Only mine was older and therefore more necro. This was all rather annoying as I had yet to pick up their latest CD or the reissue of the first album and was thus assuming I could pick them up here. Still, I guess thats why god invented amazon.

The next shock came in the form of a bearded A-San, who I hadn't seen in years. Still, there were 2 bands I'd never heard of playing as well, and if there's one thing he specializes in it's bands you've never heard of..

First up were Wodensthrone, who played a rather good sort of Drudkhy style of black metal, which I rather enjoyed. However they didn't play it for vey long, having a startlingly short set of about 3 songs or so. I know this type of thing can wibble on a bit, but still, wasn't expecting things to be so... perfunctory. Next up were Winterfylleth, who were sort of similar only different. Now, I can't fault them on any paart of their performance. They were technically competent, played good tunes and were generally very metal. However I will say that I now know why we have corpsepaint. Put simply, when one is being very metal one is likely to undergo certain facial contortions. The corpsepaint helps to make such displays appear more metal than may otherwise be the case. Seriously, for all the blistering black metal being played, dis they all have to look so ORDINARY? Seriously, the bass player reminded me of Rory from the last series of Doctor Who.

Pictured: Not Metal

Anyway, enough of my petty complaints. Let us move onto the headliners so I can get in some REAL complaints. Now, I've been into Sigh for years. Lots of years as it turns out. They were one of the first Black Metal bands I ever really got into. So when I found out they were payaing I was naturally quite enthused at the prospect of finally seeing them live. If I'd known then what I know now I would have hunted down and killed the sound guy before he had a chance to perpetrate his evil crimes.

Here's a quick tip to all you budding sound engineers out there: If someone on stage is playing an instrument you might want to make it so that the instrument can be HEARD.

Maybe it's just where I was standing, but the keyboards were barely audible at best. I think there may have been a backing tape for some elements, but that may have just been my imagination filling stuff in. And the saxaphone was silent the entire time. This was rather annoying as it's kind of hard to judge what the addition of a saxaphonist adds to the procedings actually adds when you can't hear the damn thing. Yes, she's very attractive and not very clothed (and thus marketable) but I can get ladies on the internet wearing far less should I feel the need. I'm here for the MUSIC. I will say that although I was initially a little suprised she took on a fair amount of the vocal duties she handled them very well. And when you think about it it does make sense to have two singers handling things. Some of their stuff does have a level of overlap no one person could reproduce live. Indeed, a lot of the later stuff is fairly complex musically as well, and would be hard to do live at the best of times. That half the elements couldn't be heard here did not help matters. However they did play quite a bit of old stuff as well, and that worked perhaps a little better.

It's frustrating that the sound was so crap as otherwise this could have been a really great gig. Still, they did seem to make the most of it, coming out for an encore in the form of Venoms Black Metal. And let's face it, you don't need great sound quality for that sort of thing.

Overall a fun little excursion, but sadly flawed by the lack of any decent sound mix.