So, with the advent of my dotage upon me, I was wondering if there was some way of mathematically quantifying the degree by which I fail at life within a reasonable margin of error. So what could possibly be more scientific and accurate than a random list pulled of the internet?
Only a monkey in a lab coat. And he'd have to be wearing goggles.
So, here's a list of 50 things which the internet says I should have done with my life. We score each entry with a value of 2 for having been succesfully completed 0 for never being done and 1 if the context is vague enough that we can sort of say we sort of did it. Then we add up the results, subtract them from 100 and thus arrive at the % Fail of my life to date.
Learning is fun. So, here we go:
50 things to do before you're 30 according to blinman.com
1. Have a really stupid accident which necessitates a hospital visit
Well, there's the time I needed stiches from opening the packaging of a super soaker, AND the time I broke my foot by walking on it. So I guess 2 points
2. Shoot something
Fuzzy context alert! I've shot bows, air guns, paint ball guns, nerf guns and water pistols. Also various spring loaded missile launchers on some action figures. So unless they specifically mean restricted firearms (which they logic would dictate they mention specifically) I'm forced to score 2 point for variety if nothing else.
3. Take a weekend break more than 1000 miles from home
I've been 2 weeks away from home well over 1000 miles away. does that count? possibly the focus is in spending a minimum time over maximum distance, but frankly that strikes me as being retarded. 1 point.
4. Boot Linux on your home PC
Nope, never done this. Nil points.
5. Get lost in a country where you don't speak the language
I'd say that lost is perhaps an overly strong term, though I did wander about a bit without really knowing where I was. So we'll call it 1
6. Spend more than your monthly income on a pocket sized gadget
No. And I never will. Seriously, do they even MAKE pocket sized things that cost that much. And how is not eating for a month because you blew all your money on a phone an achievement. It's REATARDED. Nil Points.
7. Post bail for a friend
What kind of friends is it you have that they NEED you to get them out of FUCKING PRISON? Douchebags I'd guess. Nil Points.
8. Break a really large plate glass window
This is starting to sound more like a list of things not to do, isn't it? Nil points.
9. Make a parachute jump on a hangover
Nope. I engage in neither of these activities frequently enough for them to intersect in such a fashion. By which I mean I don't do either of them. Nil Points.
10. Use a whole roll of gaffa tape in one day
Ah, a question for the rapist at large. Anything you say on the internet may be taken down and used as evidence that you're RETARDED. Nil points.
11. Make a pointless modification to your house
No. And I'd love a working definition of what it is they expect here. I mean, even you just paint a giant wang on the roof, surely the point is that your house now has a giant wang painted on it? This is getting confusing.
12. Neck a pint of peppermint oil
This sounds... painful. I'm really starting to wonder if this list was constructed by a drooling moron or something. Nil Points.
13. Pull a shemale by mistake (but realise in time...)
No. And I've never pushed one either. Boom, and indeed, boom.
14. Buy a samurai sword
Yeah, on a couple of occasions. At least assuming replicas count. Seeing as how genuine swords are the remit of museums and rich fucks one can only assume this to be the case. 2 points.
15. Delay paying a bill until the summons arrives
You know what I was saying about a drooling retard a second ago. He's back. Seriously, this is nothing to be proud of. Nil points.
16. Destroy a speed camera
Errm, wanton vandalism is now a goal in life? I appreciate that many people don't like speed cameras, but then many criminals don't like security cameras, and you don't hear them complaining. Nil points.
17. Refill an inkjet cartridge
With....? Ink one would hope, but the way this list is going I wouldn't be suprised if the guy pissed in it or something. I MIGHT have done this once, but frankly it's such a mundane task I simply don't remember. Nil points.
18. Say something obscene on national television
Why would I even be on TV? And obecenity is a rather subjective term don't you think? Nil points.
19. Do a J turn in order to beat somebody to a parking space
I'm not sure what exactly a J turn is suppossed to imply, short of, well, just turning. So the real question is are you a dick enough to cut someone up for a parking space? Nil points.
20. Break a sledgehammer
Errm, no. Can't say it's on my list of things I really pught to be doing either. Nil points.
21. Make a bomb
Yes. I do that ALL the time. Because I'm a T3RR0R15T!!!11!! Nil points.
22. Smash a CRT
I'm assuming this to mean cathode ray tube, but who knows. Context has ever been the mortal enemy of the internet list, matched in hatred only by it's ally clarity. Nil points
23. Require medical treatment as a consequence of kinky sex gone wrong (STDs don't count.)
There are so many things wrong with you right now. You're actually implying that it is in someway a good thing to fuck up a BDSM scenario to the extent where the participants are HOSPITALISED?!?! Nil points.
24. Tip a waiter with something other than money
Such as what? Thats what tips ARE. Nil points.
25. Light a fire with petrol
No. Not yet. I mean, I probably WOULD given the chance. So it's probably a good thing I haven't, depending on your views on hideous disfiguring burns that is.
26. Kidnap someone
Oh god, the rapists back. Seriously Nil points. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK?
27. Park inside a motorway service station
Okay, rape one minute and now we're going to the fucking little chef? Maybe thats where he dumps the bodies. Personally, I'll take the chicken. 2 points.
28. Own a convertible.
Shall I make a facetious comment about Transformers here, or just skip to the next one? Nil points.
29. Live abroad.
Errm, what? I've been Alive abroad, does that count? I'm going to assume he means spend a significant amount of time in a country other than the one of your legally registerd nationality for purposes other than leisure. Nil points.
30. Drive at more than 140mph.
WE DON'T HAVE ROCKET CARS. THIS IS NOT THE FUTURE. Nil points.
31. Get something for free through a masterpiece of complaining
You know, I'm getting the impression that what he really means here is to get something for free which you had no possible legal or moral entitlement to and you knew full you had no rationally supportable claim to. Because you're a massive cockwad. Coz I've had my money back on bunch of stuff where there was a genuine mistake or problem, but I'd never describe any of it as being a masterpiece of complaining. 1 point I guess.
32. Give yourself a mains electric shock.
Seeing as how I'm sat here writing this and not buried under a headstone bearing dire warnings of consequences of reckless fork/socket interactions I think we can safely assume a no on this one.
33. Completely dismantle an object larger than yourself
Depends on you're definition of dismantle. I've cut down a few trees in my time. Chainsaws are fun. 1 point.
34. Write off a car
Sadly yes. Nothing to be proud of either. People could have died. What is wrong with this person? 2 points.
35. Fall asleep and get really hilarious sunburn
God no. Again this is just stupid, and nothing AT ALL to be proud of. Nil points.
37. Stay up all night listening to a girl have an emotional crisis
Not really, no. Why is it I can't help but think he's referring to the agonised sobs coming from his basement, and giggling maniacally? What is it about this document that would give me that impression? Oh yeah. THE RAPE. Nil points.
38. Lick the terminals of a 9 volt battery
Square ones yeah. It's how you tell if they're still good. 2 points.
39. Take part in motorsport
Nope. Even I have better things to do with my time than drive around in a circle for 3 hours. Nil points.
40. Stay at the office for more than 24 hours
No. And more to the point, why would you want to?
41. Set off a fire extinguisher
As in to put out a fire, or as in to be a cock? Guess which option I think he means? Nil points.
42. Drive at least 600 miles in a day on two lane roads
Don't think so. Doesn't seem very likely either. I mean, that'd be like driving to scotland and back in a single day. Is that even possible?
43. Hotwire a car
And we're back with the criminal tendancies again. Nil point, suprisingly.
44. Watch all the Monty Python films In one sitting
Wow. This is possibly the first thing on this entire list that strikes me as being something actually worth doing. I haven't done it, but at least I would given the chance.
45. Shag an ex-girlfriend by mistake
Please explain exactly how it is one has sex by mistake? You don't just accidentally fall over and fuck someone.
46. Dial 999
Never needed to yet. That is, just in case you were wondering, held to be a good thing by any conventional standard.
47. Commit a faux pas which means that a friend will never speak to you again
Not that I know of. But then if you did it's not like they'd tell you is it?
48. Make a bet you couldn't afford to lose
No. Because that would be stupid. If you're betting you must be prepared to lose, if for no other reason than the simple fact that you will. It is inevitable.
49. Read a 500 page book in one sitting
I'm not sure. Probably, but it's not like I tend to count the pages. I'm usually to usy reading the damn thing to keep a log. I'll say 1 point to be on the safe side.
50. Escape a perfectly justified parking ticket.
No. Only ever gotten 1 ticket, and since I was working the office paid it.
So, what have we learned children? According to this list and the scoring principles set out above my life is 83% FAIL. This seems like an entiely reasonable figure, however I have to say that reviewing the criteria given I'm actually rather glad. I mean really, would you want to score highly on a list that includes so much mindless criminal activity? IT HAS RAPE ON IT. You're not meant to aspire to rape.
Are you?
Wheres the positive stuff? Wheres having friends and family and love and other hippy shite? Wheres painting a picture or writing a story or doing something creative? Hell, I'd take maxing your characters stats in fucking warcraft over the high speed police chases in a stolen car with a bleeding STD riddled ex duct taped to the trunk.
83% FAIL and I feel better about my life than when I started. Who'd have thunk it?
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