No, really. This totally happened.
But for all the praise one could heap upon the episode it also has to be said that it does, sadly, leave a slightly bitter taste in one's metaphorical brainmouth.
Effects on one's LITERAL brainmouth should, of course, be directed to the correct franchise.
But we'll get into that a bit later. First let's talk about sex with lizards.
I have to say that if I took one thing away from the episode, it's that Madame Vastra and Jenny have a bit of a Sub/Dom thing going on in their relationship. I don't mean in a strictly BDSM kind of way (although all that skintight leather DOES rather lend some credence to that theory), but more in the way they behave. It's actually pretty cool, showing as it does a bit of depth and subtlety. After all, you'll often have the Dom portrayed as some kind of abusive control freak and the Sub as a rather useless lump of human mush. But here we have a loving and affectionate Dom and a Sub who can still go out and kick ass. Even if the actress culd probably do with some more fight training. Maybe I'm reading to much into it, but it's not like that's ever stopped anyone else. Besides, when your wife is also your maid it's rather inevitable.
It's quite interesting that so much of the episode is given over to Vastra, Jenny & Strax. Not having the Doctor show up until nearly halfway through is a pretty bold move, as is effectively starting the story halfway through and throwing in an extended flashback sequence to let everyone catch up. It's certainly not a bad thing though, and the episode uses it well both in terms of writing and direction. Indeed, it does make one think that if the Doctor-Lite episode format is to once again prove necessary then running a Vastra & Company backup feature might very well be a welcome option.
Of course this episode focuses mainly on Jenny over Strax & Vastra. No bad thing as she's probably had the least to do of the 3 in previous installments. But I do rather wish Strax & Vastra had a little more to do. Such is the problem of having cool characters, we always want more. I do rather worry that Strax is straying a little too far down the comic relief path, but to be honest it's not like it's really much of a problem. Yes, I would like it if he was given an opportunity to display his own rather psychotic brand of heroism to save the day. But really, Doctor Who has never been THAT violent. Not even during the 80's.
Well, maybe once or twice...
Making Apocalypse Now look like the comedy Strax thinks it is.
Speaking of violence and the 80's, did anyone else get a distinctly 6th Doctorish vibe from this episode? I'm not entirely sure why, but I sure as hell did. Maybe it's the industrial revolution era yorkshire setting evoking The Mark Of The Rani. Maybe it's the Doctors remarkably flippant attitude towards all the death evoking pretty much every other episode in Colin Bakers first season. Maybe it was just the fact that a major threat in the story just happened to be shaped like a giant cock.
When I said "Fuck the subtext" I didn't mean QUITE so literally.
Quite how long it'll be before latex replicas of the rocket start appearing on etsy will, I suppose depend on the overall popularity of the episode. But it WILL happen. In fact, since you can happily chuck the epithet of steampunk on the listing it probably has already. Anyway, what were we talking about again?
Oh yes, Doctor Who. One other thing that this episode has that gives it a proper old school vibe is having not only a straight up human villain, but one who is unashamedly BATSHIT. It's been an awful long time since we've had something like that. No alien influence or mind control. No sinister money making schemes. Just a nutter with the intelligence, resources and prehistoric leech monster to come up with a plan that makes JUST enough sense for a crazy person to think is good idea. Mrs Gillyflower is a supremely enjoyable villain, being as she as an utterly despicable bitch, especially compared to the rather sweet and lovely Ada. And on that note, is it me or was Mr Sweet himself just a bit..... Adorable?
If Ada hadn't been blind do you really think she'd have been able to savagely beat him to death? Even the Doctor couldn't bring himself to harm the poor little guy. And he's flat out murdered people for less than that.
Do I have the right? I do if you're an Ogron.
Both Mrs Gillyflower and Ada are played marvellously and great characters. Ada especially really struck me as full on companion material. Which does rather lead us to the first real criticism of the piece: What the hell is going on with Clara?
I know I keep saying this, but once again she's just kinda... There. Not really doing anything. Even though this is perhaps the most useful she's ever been in an episode to date, getting to both point out the obvious to the Doctor AND hit something with a chair. Maybe it's just the fact that since she shows up even later than the Doctor that's about ALL she does at all, or the fact that she's having to compete for screen time and helpful things to do in the plot with 3 other characters. But once again I find myself utterly nonplussed by her and it's getting a little annoying to be honest.
We've got good writers who can write good characters, so that can't be the problem. And it's certainly not the actress as she's proved herself already with both the previous versions of Clara. But whilst both of those had an immediate spark and sense of rapport with the Doctor, this version simply... Doesn't. She doesn't help or hinder anything in particular. Any aid she offered in the first 2 episode was pure Deus Ex Machina, and since then she's just been sort of coasting along. I think I've worked out why though. It's a combination of 2 major factors. Martha Jones and The Impossible Astronaut.
See, the problem with Martha was that she was created specifically in reaction to the leaving of a massively (if frankly bafflingly) previous companion, and thus nobody ever really knew what to do with her aside from not being Rose. The problem we had with The Impossible Astronaut was that it was setting up a a great big series long mystery thing that was then totally ignored for pretty much the entire series. Do you see where I'm going with this? The problem with Clara isn't simply that she's not Amy and nobody knows what to do with her. It's that she's ALSO the big central mystery for this chunk of series. The big mystery that's being totally ignored and will likely only be acknowledged in the final episode, let alone resolved. And since all that is being kept super duper top secret it's not like anyone else CAN know what the hell to do with her. Much like the child trapped in the space suit she's simply doomed to hang around in the background until the powers that be decide it's time to wheel that plot thread back out.
Now, I appreciate that building an overarching plot thread for a whole series can be tricky at the best of times, and that it's especially difficult in a show that spans all of time and space. But I'd also hope that the Doctor Who production team are capable of learning from their mistakes. And introducing such a supposedly overarching plot and then ignoring it for seven episodes wasn't a good idea in the previous series, and it still isn't now. But rather than having the Doctor and Clara's relationship develop in any way at all, or giving us some interesting drama with the Doctor testing her out in different situations as he tries to figure out what's up we have... Well, nothing. The Doctor goes off on adventures and Clara just happens to come along for the ride It's not even that I dislike the character. I'm just not getting any sense that she ever HAS a character. I mean, Adric was RUBBISH, but at least he did it in an interesting way. Let's face it "Not as interesting as Adric" is not something anyone would want on their tombstone.
Still, despite Clara's continuing lack of involvement the episode is pretty good overall. Decent plot, good performances and some fun set pieces. The moment where Jenny breaks into the factory only to find it all empty save for some speakers playing industrial noise is a particular favorite of mine. Although it does rather beg the question of how it is this whole operation is getting funded if they don't actually produce anything. But that's pure fridge logic and doesn't impact on the enjoyment of the episode. Was DOES though is the final scene that has been appended to lead into the next episode. And, put simply, doesn't work on any level. AT ALL.
So, Clara comes home to find that the kids she babysits have found several photos of her during her various tans temporal peregrinations. Now, it's always possible that this will later be revealed to be the result of some sneaky meddling by forces unknown. But for the moment all I can ask is HOW EXACTLY DID THEY MANAGE THIS? Last time I checked google didn't have face recognition functionality as part of it's search engine. And even if they did, how is it exactly that personal photographs from a high ranking British spy turned supernatural investigator and from highly classified Russian military files ended up freely available on the internet? Let's be honest, after what happened in Cold War the sub crew would be lucky if they weren't all shot or shipped off to Siberia by the KGB. And you can bet your ass that any number of Ministry's, not to mention UNIT, Torchwood, The Forge, Countermeasures and even M.E.O.W. would have had something to say about the goings on in Hide.
And then, to make things worse the bloody kid explains his access to top secret KGB files by saying "I found that at school" like that explains ANYTHING. DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL IN A DECOMMISSIONED RUSSIAN NUCLEAR SUBMARINE?!?!? Did your headmaster defect from somewhere? Does he like to use pictures of his former victims to instill a sense of discipline in the student body? WHAT PART OF THIS MAKES THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF SENSE?
But they can't even leave it there can they? Then the kids immediately leap to the conclusion that Clara is travelling in time and space with an alien. Because OF COURSE THAT'S THE MOST REASONABLE EXPLANATION POSSIBLE. What else could it possibly be? After all, it's not like anyone in the 21st century can even SPELL photoshop.
Seriously, can you not tell from the pixels?
And then comes the cherry on the cake of awfulness. They demand to be taken on a trip through time and space otherwise.... They'll tell their Dad.
Now, I'm not an expert in childcare. I'm not really qualified in anything to do with dealing with children. But even I can guarantee you that the only response any child will get from their parents upon reporting that the babysitter has traveled in time and space is, roughly, "Stop making shit up. Go mow the lawn or something.".
Really, how is it you're supposed to blackmail someone with a piece of spurious conjecture that no sane person would believe anyway? I mean, aside from the simple fact that all you to do is tell them that time travel isn't actually possible, it's not like it's exactly illegal is it? It's not like she's been smoking crack in the kitchen or filming deviant pornographies whilst the kids are upstairs doing their homework. Seriously, how is this supposed to achieve anything?
But no. Clearly we've not operating with any sense of logic, and the production team has STILL not learned to stop putting kids in the damn show. Seriously, it impresses NO ONE. Not even children like child characters. Perhaps it's something to do with the general inability of child actors to, you know, ACTUALLY ACT. Or maybe just the fact that child characters are pretty much always annoying and useless. Either way, rather than going from one really rather good episode to looking forward to the possibility of FINALLY getting a decent Cyberman story we are instead going from some the worst contrived bullshit ever to grace the screen in an episode of anything ever to the inevitable sense of dread that comes from realizing that the ghastly little bastards are going to spoil what, until now, looked to be a promising shot at a decent Cyberman story.
Which is, all things considered, a fairly weird place to be.
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