Friday, 17 December 2010

Sometimes I Get These Ideas... And They Just Won't STOP.


And you know the worst part? This could really work. And don't just mean in terms of being so retarded that it's obviously awesome. I mean you could totally write this. Just replace "puritanism" with "being a fucking WEREWOLF" and the story practically writes itself. Except that someone would probably make the royalists vampires and the whole thing would quickly become gayer than a submarine full of jello. Maybe I should get some books on Cromwell and try it myself? Except for the fact that I'd be torn between wanting to write it properly or in the semi literate ravings that somehow pass for literature in this day and age. Either way it surely could never be as bad as certain other things I could mention but would prefer not to because it gves me an embolism.

.Anyway, I did another pic for this as well, so here it is.

Cromwolf Book One: A Parliment..... Of WOLVES!!!



The tagline is: Biting history....IN THE FACE!!.

Thursday, 2 December 2010

This Is Why We Love Scrabble

I've been playing WordSquared lately for reasons which have nothing to do with avoiding doing any work. And I feel compelled to record todays triumph for posterity.


Interestingly though it doesn't recognize "shite".


Oh yes. And it's on a triple word score.

You know what that sound is? It's the sound of me WINNING THE INTERNET.

I am so not mature right now and I don't even care.

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

By Any Other Name (Part 2)

So, if you'll recall last time I was engaged in what can only be described as a painfully protracted attempt at a character assassination of one Rose Tyler. A person who is NOT EVEN REAL. Why, exactly would I wish to spend hours of my life complaining on the internet about a character from a tv show that I somehow profess to enjoy despite the amount of complaining I do?

Well, for a laugh. Believe or not I do really love Doctor Who, but that doesn't mean I have to blind to it's faults. And since I love it I of course enjoy thinking and talking about it. And whats the easiest thing to do about anything? COMPLAIN.

So, here I go again. Rose Tyler, a companion who on the scale of 1 to Adric turns it up to 11.

Series 2. Oh dear, series 2. There are, sadly, many problems with the second series of the revived show. Most notably that it was crap. Quite how it manages this when you consider how many great stories it actually has is rather puzzling. I think it's something to do with front loading most of the good stuff and the existence of Fear Her, which is the only story in the entire history of Doctor Who that causes me physical pain.

Throw me in the Timelash and exile me to the Web Planet but please stop it with this disney shite.

Still, before we get onto the series proper we have The Christmas Invasion first. Now, I'll admit it's not a bad idea having the companion a bit freaked out by a regeneration. In the past some have taken it fairly well after all, which might not be considered an entirely normal reaction. Anyone would think they'd been off witnessing the infinite wonders of time and space or something. It does have to be said though that Rose does take it a little far. What with the weeping and wailing and mooning and pining and generally hanging around doing very little. Oh wait no, she did manage one thing. She managed to make a complete tit out herself trying to talk to the Sycorax. I know it was a high pressure situation and everything, but that speech descended into total farce with what I can only describe as a deliberate rapidity. It just stands as further proof that she really can't seem to achieve ANYTHING on her own. Always relying on others for help, even when those others are flat out unconscious coma patients.

Still, let's move ahead (albeit with trepidation) into series 2 proper. First up is New Earth. Not the worst episode ever, although it is rather spoiled by the retarded resolution and forced happy ending. But what of the hapless miss Tyler? Well, to be fair we can't be too harsh as she does spend most of the episode possessed by Cassandra. So let's just gloss over the fact that her only major contribution to the plot is getting captured AGAIN and move on to the next episode, shall we?

Ah, Tooth And Claw. So what does she manage to do here? What's that? Get captured you say?

Get used to the view

I'm shocked. No really, I am. Anyway we shouldn't be too harsh here. After all, this one of the few time she actually manages to escape. Also worth noting it's here that she really starts exhibiting what I'll be restrained and call a rather offensive cockiness. After all it might be impolite to label it a callous disregard for the fatalities around her. Never mind going out of her way to piss of the bloody QUEEN. Over the course of the series this attitude will go from tempting fate all the way up to flicking fate in the nutsack and insulting it's mother.

Moving forward in time and space we arrive at School Reunion. An episode with many highlights, none of which it has to be said are Rose. There's that terrible attitude on display again. That selfish sense of absolute entitlement. Once again we are asked to believe how SPECIALY SPECIAL Rose is. And once again I'm really not seeing it. Never mind the whole slagging match and dismisiveness towards Sarah Jane Smith (a woman who I actually can buy as being special having actually witnessed her accomplish something useful at least once) the real telling part is that look she gives when Mickey tags along at the end. You know the one, like someone just shat in her mouth? Yeah. Seriously. Still leading the poor guy on and only using him when it suits her. There are many words to describe someone like that, none of them suitable for a family audience. On the bright side though she doesn't get captured for once.

Still, at least she's managed to suck it up and polite in time for The Girl In The Fireplace. Only it's here that the problems REALLY start. See, over the course of this series we are quite clearly supposed to believe that Rose and The Doctor are totally hot for each other. Like totally, completely, obviously going at it. However at no point do we see anything that makes this believable. Now, I can buy Rose fancying the Doctor in the times she's not bust picking up strangers, emotionally abusing Mickey or having rather improper urges towards deceased family members, but I simply don't buy the Doctor fancying Rose at all. And it's not that I'm going that whole "Time Lords don't do that, never have done, never will do and obviously reproduce asexually since the Doctors had kids" bit, because here I can TOTALLY buy him copping off with Madame De Pompadour. Which does seem a bit of an odd story to have here. The whole series is, on one level, a lengthy clumsy attempt at foreshadowing Roses departure which is terrible and yadda yadda yadda. Only we go straight from a story about one of The Doctors past companions straight into one about him falling in love. This couldn't do less to set Rose up as a super special apotheoses of companionhood if it tried. Not that it has to. Hangs around doing nothing, gets captured, whines, doesn't help much, roll credits. Pretty much standard.

And then we fall through a hole in good writing and arrive at the Rise O The Cybermen / The Age Of Steel. Since the purpose of this article is to unceasingly rip on Rose I won't digress into a long rant about how parallel universe stories are inevitably crappy ways of destroying any sense of consequence and rendering character deaths MEANINGLESS. I won't even mention how the conceit of using a parallel universe to explore varying consequences and divergent timelines is completely redundant in a show about time travel. Instead I'll come back to the chilling phrase which forever haunts anyone who thinks about these episodes:

Perverted Dadlust.

There, I said it. I mean, seriously. Forget everything else. Just that in itself is enough. I've often said about hitting Rose in the face with a shovel. It's here that we see that concept crystallize. As soon as she starts lustily staring at that poster and whinging and wibbling about going of to see her NOTdad the Doctor should have just pulled out a shovel and belted her in the face with it. It would have saved a lot of problems. I mean, REALLY. Last time you went off to see your dad you NEARLY DESTROYED THE UNIVERSE. So really, what's the wost that can happen?

You will be like us. Except that one. We don't want that one.

Oh yeah, everybody's dead. AGAIN. So anyway, aside from nearly getting killed by the Cybermen and being REALLY REALLY UNNECESSARILY CREEPY with her paralleladad, what does she actually do here? Oh yeah. She has a phone. Call me old fashioned, but somehow that just doesn't strike me as being particularly impressive. Still, on the bright side at least Mickey finally gets away from the manipulative bitch.

Oh, did I say that out loud? Sorry.

Moving on once again we come to the Idiot's Lantern. An episode where Rose can't actually be bother to wait for the bad guys to come capture her so she goes to volunteer. Doesn't wait, doesn't tell anyone where she's going, doesn't take one single sensible precaution. Just turns up and says "Hi! Can I be captured now please?" I mean, seriously. What the fuck? Isn't a good job that a bad person dies every bad thing they've ever done is magically undone?

HATE THATSHITHATE THATSHITHATE THATSHITHATE THATSHITHATE THATSHITHATE THATSHITHATE THATSHITHATE THATSHITHATE THATSHITHATE THATSHIT......

Sorry. But that sort of thing bugs me.

Next up it's The Impossible Planet and The Satan Pit. An interesting 2 parter in that Rose once again achieves nothing useful. I mean, shooting out the window on a ship that's already falling into a black hole? That's not really a great move unless you happen to be psychic or badly written. There is, put simply, no way that she'd even know that doing that wouldn't just asphyxiate the lot of them, let alone that a dramatic and implausible rescue was mere minutes away. Oh, and the Doctors whole "I believe in her" speech? What the FUCK is that supposed to mean? I believe she's immune to gravity? Or I believe we're all going to die as soon as I break the magic vase?

Then it's Love And Monsters. Oh dear. Honestly this episode isn't as bad as many would say. Well, up to the last 10 minutes when the "Monster" is finally revealed. Then it really is. So yes she's not really in this one (though sadly her whore of a mother is). She just turns up at the end to be a bitch to a poor innocent guy being menaced by moldy caricature of a comedy yorkshireman. Nice.

And now the moment we've all been dreading. I'm going to have to talk about Fear Her. To recreate the experience of watching this episode simply spend 445 minutes smashing your head into a wall whilst screaming "WILL YOU STOP IT WITH THIS DISNEY SHITE!!!" over and over and over again.

Calm blue ocean calm blue ocean calm blue ocean....

Frankly I can't even process Roses involvement in this episode because everything else in it is such utter, utter BOLLOCKS. I mean, downed alien love ships? Who the hell is supposed to buy this shit?

WHO?!?!?

And then, at long last, we have Army Of Ghosts and Doomsday. And to a great extent your reaction to these episodes will depend on whether or not you'd actually bought into Roses supposed specialness or not.

Needless to say I hadn't.

So in Army Of Ghosts she hangs about a bit, fails to infiltrate anything (which frankly has more to do with her chronic inability to bluff rather than any psychic defense) and, lo and behold, GETS CAPTURED. Though that doesn't last long I admit. Because then the Daleks turn up and double capture her. Yay? Then, Doomsday. It's not really a very accurate title for her. I mean yeah, Daleks and Cybermen and dodgy plotting oh my. But for all the vaunted DOOM and portentous monologuing from beyond the grave it's not really, in the final analysis, very doomy. Is it? It's more like "well I'm alive and well and everyone's safe but I didn't get my own way so WAAAHHH..."day.

Let's break it down. So, she keeps the Daleks from exterminating any MAJOR characters for a bit, which is a bit of a plus mark I admit. And then.... She hangs around until the final off button is set up. Because let's be honest, it's really not so much a resolution as a convenience to keep the run time down. Then, after being sent off to safety with her family she tantrums her way back to get in the way. Do I need to point out that at the end of the last episode those levers were operated remotely? Quite why they have to be operated manually now is never quite explained. But whatever. Fine, everyone's hanging on dramatically and the physics gives up and goes home. Now, again this isn't the place to piont out questions like how is the void a void if it's got stuff in it? But we have a rent in the fabric of reality which is pulling with enough force to yank cybermen into the air at tremendous speed from several thousand miles away. And I'm willing to grant that it's pulling with less force on the heroes as they're allegedly less clagged with whatever. However, the lever disengages and the flow of Daleks slows somewhat. It doesn't stop, it just slows. It's still easily enough to pull a couple of tons of protesting death machine which is quite capable of flying on it's own thank you very much uncontrollably towards it. It's still pulling Rose and the Doctor towards it. So Rose grabs the lever and pushes... away from this? I'm no expert, but how exactly is it you're supposed to exert force in one direction when being pulled in the opposite? I mean, I wouldn't mind so much, but if they'd just positioned the levers facing the other way then everything would make a lot more sense.

Anyway, so she TRAGICALLY loses her grip and goes hurtling towards certain death. Which I admit did put a smile on my face. And the her not dad teleports in and grabs her. Mere feet from the fully open breach. Mere feet from the fully open breach which we have been explicitly told will suck him in to his death as having crossed over he too has clag. Never mind the considerable force with which she hits him. Never mind the simple undeniable fact that HE HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING TO DO THAT.

Seriously. Pissing in the face of common sense and physic simply because you don't have the balls to kill off a character. All that build up and then a nonsensical anticlimax which makes retrograde ejaculation look like fucking bukkake.

So yeah, she sulks, the Doctor broods a bit and then we have that whole beach bit. It's interesting to note that it's this that really made me appreciate just how great the music is in the new series. As despite actually HATING the character by this point the music does manage to carry some sense of sadness. Which is just as well. As despite all the acting going on the simple fact remains that I can't credit the whole romance angle between the Doctor and Rose as anything more than the deluded obsessions of a borderline sociopath. She doesn't want the Doctor any more than she wants Mickey or Adam or Captain Jack. She just wants to made to feel special.

And at the end of the day that's the problem with the character. We're supposed to believe she's something that she simply isn't. She's not some sort of uber companion. She's not any sort of romantic interest. She's not actually competant or even self assured. She's a needy, whiney bitch at the end of the day. I mean, we could maybe let her off if she at least manages to save the universe more my times than she tries to destroy it, but she can't even break even on that score.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

By Any Other Name (Part 1)

I've recently been re watching the various series of the "new" Doctor Who (shocking I know), and I was struck by one particular fact that had never really occurred to me before:

Rose Tyler is actually completely useless as a companion.

Now, I'll admit I've ever been a massive fan of the character. I always felt that she went from being fairly alright in series 1 to teeth gratingly irritating in series 2, but it was nothing that a swift blow to the face with a shovel couldn't fix. But it wasn't until I actually started thinking about what the character actually achieves in the various episodes that I came to realize just how OBJECTIVELY crap she was as well. Maybe not quite Dodo, but certainly nothing special.

So I'd been toying with writing up some sort of overview setting out the case. And the I find out that a recent poll has voted the character the best companion of all time. This simply will not stand. So, consider this my rebuttal. Take that, internets!

Now, you need to bear in mind that the major problem Rose presents to us as a character is that she is supposed to be SPECIAL. Ultra hyper mega SPECIAL. Were she not built up as this supreme apex of the art of being a companion and the Doctors one true everlasting ultimate mega super ultra hyper combo fanfic wank fantasy then we wouldn't really have a problem. But sadly she is. And whilst we are frequently TOLD this, we're not really SHOWN it much. If at all.

Truly, a picture really does paint a thousand words. Even if all of them are just "Doctor"

So, let's take a look at the evidence, series by series, episode by episode. Series 1 is, at first glance where she's at her best (or least annoying depending on your point of view). And, it should go without saying that the following rambling semi coherent vitrolic screed may contain SPOILERS. But honestly if you haven't seen any of this by now there is something wrong with you.

Now we start of well enough in Rose, with our titular heroine swinging on the end of a rope to save the day. Even if she does wait until the dramatically requisite percentage of the population have been gunned down in the streets. But that's just nitpicking really. She does the whole investigation thing and all that, which is fair enough. But it's also here that we begin to see one of the major unlikable facets of her personality emerge: Her tendency to treat Mickey (Who it is worth pointing out is supposed to be her BOYFRIEND) like complete shit whenever it suits her. Now I'll admit that at this stage Mickey is still very much the comic relief muppet, but still... The guys been violently kidnapped by aliens, cut him a little slack. No? Okay. Being freaked out by hostile alien forces is the reaction of weaklings. Remember this, because it will become important in the next paragraph.

Episode 2, The End Of The World. In which Rose is completely freaked out by FRIENDLY Alien forces. The she gets locked in cupboard. That is her sole contribution to proceedings. It's kind of weird when you realize it, but literally she just turns up, freaks out, gets captured and contributes nothing to the rest of the plot whilst the Doctor heads off to get wood (sorry, couldn't resist).

Still, moving forward (or backward depending on your relative time zone) we move on to the Unquiet Dead. A fine tale where Rose..... Ummmm.... Gets captured. Again. Now, there's nothing wrong per se with getting captured. There is a long and fine tradition of getting captured in Doctor Who. Why, back in my day we'd spend whole episodes getting captured, escaping and then getting captured again. But then again we'd also contribute SOMETHING else to the script. You know, overhear an important conversation, steal a key, scream at a monster. ASSIST the Doctor in some capacity. And here Rose manages to, what, patronise the locals? It's not like she even really lead the Doctor to the house, since all he needed to do was follow the hearse. Still, never mind eh?

Next we move onto the 2 parter of Aliens Of London / World War 3. In which Rose gets chased and locked up. It's not exactly getting captured, but it's close. Other than that she's.... just sort of there. Not really contributing anything unique to the proceedings. Aside from her ghastly mother, but that's a different character entirely (more or less) contribution by association isn't really much to go on. It's also worth taking a moment to consider the return of Mickey here. Who proves himself to be far more of a useful character and indeed a better person. He's the one actually taking action and saving the day. He's also starting to demonstrate that for whatever reason he really loves Rose, whilst she's still quite content to brush him aside.

It's Dalek up next, and even I have to admit that this is a pretty good story for the character as it's one of the few times she actually DOES something. You get that nice bit where she's talking the Doctor down from his Dalekcidal attitude. Of course, the whole thing was all her fault as she was the only one dumb enough to touch the Dalek in the first place and is thus directly responsible for all those deaths, but someones got to get the party started so we'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

The we have the Long Game. Seriously, can ANYBODY tell me what the hell Rose does is this episode? How does she move the plot along? What does she add to the story, other than Adam? And really all that does is prove that she's an appalling judge of character as well as (possibly) a bit of a slag. Other than muppet boy she's just there, in the background, getting captured. I mean, seriously. Adric has contributed more to stories than this. FUCKING ADRIC. Even when he was being a complete fucking moron he was at least DOING something. Adding to the plot, contributing to the resolution or the problem or SOMETHING.

If anyone can tell me why a google image search for adric gives me a picture of a dildo i'd be most grateful.
......Wait, never mind.

Now, I don't mean to be rude, but when you're losing in a fight to fucking ADRIC you really should just kill yourself.

And now we come to Fathers Day. It's a good episode, no doubt. But for all the worthy praise heaped upon it there are a few issues that need to be addressed. For example, when someone gets on board your fantastical time and space machine and asks if they GO WATCH SOMEONE DIE that may be considered a bit of a warning sign. Not that they're going to attempt to interfere with causality in a catastrophic way (more of that later), but they are OBVIOUSLY MENTAL. When you add to this the fact that the person they want to GO AND WATCH DIE IN THE STREET is a beloved family member and you should be setting the coordinates for the padded cell nebula post haste.

IN SPACE!!

But if I'm honest it's not even the fact that Rose actually tries to destroy the entire universe TWICE. No, it's the motivation behind it. The ultimate goal for which the eradication of all life on earth is but an inconvenient aside. And to be fair, you may not even get it until you've sat through the second season. But hindsight is still sight, and there are things that cannot be unseen. The phrase "creepy perveted dadlust" has no place in Doctor Who in my humble opinion. BUT HERE IT IS ANYWAY.

Thanks for that.

Moving rapidly in the direction of away we come to the next 2 parter, The Empty Child / The Doctor Dances. Great stuff again. But what of Miss Tyler? Well, she starts by wandering off and climbing up a barrage balloon.

WHAT?!?!

I mean really. It's not exactly hard to miss, surely. It's a giant fucking balloon. Who the hell could ever see a giant free floating balloon just drifting overhead and think that climbing up it's trailing cables? I mean, I'm pretty sure that whole thing about cows not being able to look up is just a myth, but does it apply to stupid cows?

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Ask someone who gives a shit, I'm a cow.

And after that, what? She dribbles on Captain Jack, bitches and then is generally extraneous to the plot for the rest of duration. Oh wait, she's also starting to dribble on the Doctor a little here to. This I think is the first real hint anyway. Up to this point the Doctor has been more of a father figure. But we've seen how she reacts to THOSE now haven't we? eeeewwww.

And then it's Boom Town. The episode which REALLY goes to show her attitude toward Mickey. Who, you may remember, is supposed to be her BOYFRIEND. She's been off, slagging her way across time and space, whilst poor old Mickey has actually been trying to move on with his life. Only he can't, can he? Because Rose is, basically, an emotional vampire. And Mickey is some sort of disposable affection dispenser.Called up on a whim to make her feel better about herself and discarded once again. The problem here is simply that she will never just TELL Mickey. The gut clearly needs some sort of formal declaration that the relationship has been unceremoniously terminated since he no longer serves any useful function to her, but no. She just wants another lackey to fawn over her, with no regard to anyone elses feelings or well being.

And so, at long last we come to season finale. Bad Wolf / The Parting Of The Ways. And I have to confess that it's here that the whole thing becomes rather more difficult to assess. I mean, I could mention that all she does is fail her way onto the Dalek ship and then hang around not helping until the Deus Ex Machina comes to save the day / crash and burn the series in a nonsensical last minute cop out (delete as appropriate). And that's the problem. That whole Deus Ex situation which, on sober reflection really just doesn't make any fucking sense. After all the build up of bad wolf the final resolution is.... bollocks. Some may argue epic bollocks, but bollocks nevertheless. I do think however it is somewhat telling that the only way Rose was able to save the day (a first in the whole series you'll note) was by staring vacantly into a light and gaining godlike powers through sloppy writing. She didn't actually DO anything herself. I mean, it was Mickey (with the aid of Jackie of all people) who actually managed prise the fucking console open and release the power of the fanfic. Sorry, time vortex.

I mean, seriously.

And for this the Doctor must give up his life and go on to star in G.I. Joe the movie.

Serious Drama

So, just to count up, she's managed to kill the Doctor one time, tried to unravel the very fabric of time itself a few times, unleashed an alien killing machine that tried to destroy all life on earth but only stopped because it would rather kill itself than hang around her and hung around being useless and/or captured more times than I care to remember.

And this, ladies and gentleman is Rose Tyler AT HER BEST.

Tune in next time for Series 2: Foreshadowing, you guys. SERIOUSLY, FORESHADOWING!!!!

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Dead, Hot And Not Ready Until Next Year

I realize that it's been a long time since I've posted anything. The reasons for this are many and various, but can basically be boiled down to the standard litany of work, depression and video games. This is, it's worth noting, basically the mantra for my life.

Anyway, in a no doubt vain attempt to actually get something done I'm gonna try writing about some of the games I've been wasting my life on. And first up, for reasons that are frankly beyond me, is Dead Frontier.

Now the first thing that needs noting here is that the game is still in beta. This of course makes it tricky to review as it's entirely possible that any of the deficiencies I would normally take issue with will be fixed. But I've never let sanity or reason get in the way of moaning about stuff before, so why start now?

Not that you'll see anything about the game still being in beta on the main site. In fact you'll see very little information AT ALL. It's not often that site design bugs me enough to bring it up like this, but as you can see all we have is a sign up button and a youtube video of gameplay. A youtube video of gameplay with the controls removed, so not only do you HAVE to watch it, you can't even mute it. Good luck if someone sent you the link at work. But if you want something like, say SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS? You're shit out of luck.

However, the main thing it has on the page which interests us is the phrase "The Ultimate Free To Play Survival Horror MMORG". This immediately inspires 2 thoughts in quick succession. Firstly that this should be some shade of awesome even if it is a free game (hoorah for hopelessly unbalanced dual tier economies) and secondly why the hell has nobody thought of this before? Seriously, just consider it for a moment and it quickly becomes clear that the whole zombie apocalypse scenario immediately lends itself to mmorgification. You've got your towns (fortified enclaves of survivors), you've got a wilderness crawling with mentally challenged cannon fodder (everywhere else), you've got dungeons (anywhere inside or underground) and it makes a hell of a lot more sense for the invariable homicidal kleptomania which defines your average PC. And anyway, everybody loves zombies.

Well, maybe not EVERYBODY...

So, anyway, we signs up and get onto character generation. Now this seems pretty good. We get a large array of professions to choose from, each bring with it different advantages. Or not. Looking through the list it's pretty clear that some are obviously better than others, but honestly I don't really have much of a problem with this. Not everything in life is balanced after all, so obviously some will be better equipped for the oncoming zombie apocalypse than others. Notably those with shotguns. In addition to the careers there's also a paper doll of you're character that you can customize a bit. And once you're done we're into the game!

Yeah. Straight into the game. It's at this point that we realize that A: the game is actually browser based (which I must admit came as something of a surprise as the gameplay footage really didn't say browser to me) and that there is no character select option. Now, whilst I would assume that the lack of character slots is something that will be fixed when the full version is released, you better be damn sure you've chosen a profession to suit you and are happy with your avatar because you're not changing it.

I decided to go for a scientist. Why?

No reason...

Well, whilst I lack the obvious combat advantages of some of the other classes I at least get to produce medicine. Which should come in handy. Also: SCIENCE, bitches.

Now, it's at this point where that whole lack of anything resembling system requirements comes back to haunt us. See, I was on my laptop when I signed up and suddenly found myself thrust into the game. Or at least would have done if not the fact that evidently my laptop can only barely handle it. After shutting EVERYTHING else down and waiting and indeterminate amount of time for anything to load I did eventually manage to get to play. For a few minutes at a time. Then the screen went black and I was left attempting to navigate my way back to town using only the mini map. This was rather off putting to say the least.

However, I eventually decided to give it another go on my main PC. The loading times were still a little aggravating, but nothing like the apocalyptic machine killing hellfuck I'd suffered before. And so I actually got to play the game properly. And you know what? It's actually not that bad. As a run around killing zombies and looting simulator it's pretty fun. It looks good and has some really nice atmosphere thanks to a grainy filter and some nice lighting effects combining for a rather Silent Hill feel.

It's all darkness and moving shadows, which is very nice. Then there's the zombies. At first there'll only be a few hanging around, and you can probably avoid them if you want. However the game has this whole concept of aggro. Which may be defined as the tendency for things to quickly go to hell if you draw to much attention to yourself. The number, speed and aggression of the zombies can start to increase exponentially, and you will soon find yourself in the brown trousers of death. I'd love to show you a screencap of when you're getting attacked by hundreds of zombies, but really when that happens you're far to busy trying not to die.

Do or do not as the saying goes

And you know what? That's AWESOME. It's shocking the amount of stuff you can get away with simply by making the game survival horror. In anything else you'd see this spikes in monster aggro as annoying, off putting or even game breaking. But in a survival horror game you don't mind that suddenly hundreds of bad guys have suddenly come to kill you as that's kind of the point. Likewise the death penalty of losing ALL the money you have on you. In anything else it would seem completely unreasonable. Here it's adding to the tension. It is worth noting that I'm only saying that from the point of view of someone who's never yet died after finding a large quantity of money.

So, you head out from camp, kill zombies, loot whatever is lootable and level up. Then you go back to camp to spend you're points, sell your crap and do whatever. So far so standard. Only with zombies.


And it's here where we're hitting the wall of beta. Because right now that's all you can do. Now, it's pretty fun, don't get me wrong. And I would imagine that with a couple of mates this would be a great laugh. But right now missions aren't available, which is a little aggravating. There is only so much aimless wandering that you can do in any game before you get bored and need a little something extra. Even when the missions are restored I can't help but wonder if that'll be enough. The game play is reasonably fun, and the whole zombie thing does give them a unique selling point, but I can't help but feel that the game will need more than just killing zombies to really make it stand out. Time will tell. It is however early days yet.

The last thing I wish to touch on is the economy. Now it's pretty much standard for any so called free game to have a 2 tier economic structure. There's the in game cash you use for standard items, and then there's the paid for with actual money currency you can trade for the high class stuff. I can't say that I have a problem with the principle, but I've never yet found a game that has convinced me to actually part with any money. Often due to the fact that they never seem to really grasp the concept of micro in the phrase micro-payments. For todays' example I would like to introduce you to the hockey mask.


Here we have a nice little prestige item for your avatar. Doesn't boost your stats or anything but it would look pretty fucking boss I think we all agree. So how much does that cost? 2000 credits. Okay. But how much is that in actual money?
Yeah. SIXTY dollars. Going by todays' exchange rate that comes out as £37.50 THIRTY SEVEN POUNDS AND FIFTY PENCE. For which you will get a mask on your character that will be visible to approximately NO-ONE since the game uses an over head view point. Just think of all the other thing you could buy for that. I could get a brand new (and overpriced) Wii game. I could get anywhere between 2 and 6 second hand games depending on how shit they are. I could get another Remembrance of the Daleks collectors set.

Hell, I could buy an actual hockey mask. I realize that I'm picking on one of the most expensive items (but certainly not THE most expensive) but my point remains valid. If you're paying £40 for a small amendment to a paper doll you're doing it wrong.

Anyway, enough of my griping. Overall I'd say that Dead Frontier looks like a promising development, and one worth keeping an eye on. Would I recommend it? With the obvious proviso that it's currently in a rather limited state, I'd say so, yes. There certainly doesn't seem to anything else trying to fill this particular niche, so I wish them all the best.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

It's A Great Day To Be An 8 Year Old

Man I was ill today. I mean, I'd been plagued with this horrible cough for weeks (whatever happened to that nice cough you used to have?) but it wasn't really going anywhere. But then just last night, bam! It kicks in with a vengeance,  Because tonight was the first night of Doctor Who Live. So you see, whether it's just a cold, Lazeres Disease or even Spectrox Toxaemia, I'm not going to let you stop me now!

If any ladies in the audience think they may have Spectrox Toxemia I'm quite willing to provide the milk of my queen bat. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Anyway, loaded up on drugs and industrial strength cough syrup I wend my merry way up to Wembley Arena for the start of the festivities. After a long wait for the doors to open we get let in to peruse the overpriced crap. Some may call it unfair to label the merchandise thus. But when you can purchase for a price no less than EIGHT earth pounds a Cyberman mask that differs only from one cut out from the back of a packet of breakfast cereal in thickness of the material it is printed on I feel quite justified. Not that that stopped me getting a t shirt and program. Anyway, still further waiting around aimlessly is mandated before they actually let us anywhere near the seats. Perhaps so we don't have time to run away and ask for a refund. The seating is..... Not great. Small, cramped and far from the most padded or comfortable things I've ever sat on. There are also issues with the elevation of the rows. Namely there barely is any. Now, including the line "Fuck you, short people" in your customer service statement is interesting at the best of times. But when you're holding a show in which half the audience is liable to children?

Somebody somewhere is missing the point. I'm just saying that if you're paying forty quid for a seat you'd expect something a little less obviously cheap.

Now, before I discuss the actual show I'd like to address a couple of issues. Firstly SIT THE FUCK DOWN. Seriously. I know the view is not great. I know that when the monsters are wandering up the aisles they can be difficult to see. But you've just ensured that NO ONE behind you can see either whats going on in aisles, nor indeed on the stage. Including the giant screen where the video feeds of the wandering monsters are projected. So thanks for that. Secondly, this is a pretty big arena. Your shitty camera phone is not going to get a single shot worth a damn. Put the camera away, SIT THE FUCK DOWN and watch the show. If you want a souvenir buy a goddamn T-Shirt like everyone else.

The show itself is, of course, well wicked. Essentially what we have here is a natural outgrowth of the proms performances. Some spiel from the stage, some music, some video montages and Monsters wandering about the audience. Only now we have a plot to go with the spectacle. And it's the plot of Carnival Of Monsters. The only thing missing is the Drashigs killing everyone for an encore, which does come as slight disappointment I admit.

And for my next trick: YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

So yeah, there's enough sly references to the classics to keep any fanboy happy. It certainly worked for me. And so the show goes on. Not operating with a full orchestra we get some rather interesting rock based arrangements of various pieces from the soundtrack, which work amazingly well. Seriously, if these versions don't see some sort of release it would be a crime and I may be forced to unleash the Myrka in retribution.


You WILL fear his wrath.

Speaking of the Myrka, at first glance the roster of monsters on offer may seem a little... odd. I mean yeah, there's Daleks and Cybermen and even Ood. But Smilers? Scarecrows? Hardly the classicest ones to break out. But it's worth noting that cost and practicality are the keys here. It's be awesome to have the Sontarans for example. However the Saturnyne Vampire girls are cheap, simple and perhaps most important a quick costume change. I don't begrudge them a focus on the new series at all, and the show they've put together is great. I am however greedy. And thus want MORE.

Anyway some highlights: Obviously Cybermen stomping around the place is inveterately cool. Cybermen giving the "you belong to us...." bit is massively cool. Cybermen pulling a (planted) guy out of the audience and upgrading him then and there is, however, priceless. As is having a pair of Weeping Angels show up and kill a whole load of police using nothing more than creative lighting and misdirection. Truly wicked..

Then of course there's the Daleks.

DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!!!

Now, whether or not you're particularly enamoured of the new design you simply cannt deny just how exciting it was seeing them trundle out onto the stage. I mean you have the awesome metalled up version of the music and a DALEK RIGHT THERE ON STAGE!!! And THEN there's MORE Daleks!!! We get Dalek vision camera feeds on the screen!! And then they have a fight with the Cybermen!!! And it works a hell of a lot better than in Doomsday which despite it's merits is, essentially, overblown fanwank.

Anyway, we get some really clever projection integrating the ore filmed segments with Matt Smith, going from transmitting to the main screen to being trapped in a box on one side of the stage. It's a really creative way of getting around not actually having him as part of the show.

And yeah, in the finale there is, as promised, a flying Dalek. And yeah, it's impressive. I'm not entirely sure how they managed it. You can see the underside so it doesn't seem to be on a lift. And the way it moves doesn't look like wires. And a Dalek is hardly the lightest thing in the world. Some cunning combination of techniques no doubt. Anyway, you will believe a Dalek can fly.

Anyway, theres only one major thing left to mention, and that's Vorgensson himself. Intergalactic showman and the binding glue of the whole show. The performance given is suitably theatrical (if perhaps not strictly kosher) and quite in suiting to the ongoing rigmarole. Channeling the spirit of Henry Gordon Jago as well as the great Vorg himself he makes for an enjoyable neer do well host. Almost hard to believe he was once Neil in the Young Ones. Still, I guess that's what they call acting.

So, overall we have some great music, cool monsters, fun performances and a big grin on the heart of every true Doctor Who fan. A great success overall I'd say. One can only wonder whether or not the camera data is being saved and we'll get some form of dvd release in the future. It'd certainly make for a great inclusion in the next boxset.

Anyway, I left in high spirits. Even feeling a sense of hope for the future of humanity after witnessing all the boys and girls running around with sonic screwdrivers.

So of course british rail decided to spoil it by turning off half the trains just as thousands of people are exiting the arena and converging on the station. This is the sort of logic that is so unlogic it actually eats other logic and then shits out ducks or something. I dunno. You'd have to be either evil or insane to think that was a good idea. And either way you will never be popular.

But fuck those guys. That was a damn good night out despite everything, and I would heartily recommend it. Just make sure you've got an aisle seat, are as far down the front as possible, and shoot whoever is in the row in front.

Friday, 1 October 2010

Films For Goths Part The Umpteenth

It's difficult to know what to say about The Crow. I don't wish to imply that it's by any way a bad film, because it really isn't. However it's one of those pieces that will forever be coloured by it's association with the death of it's star. Whilst this is of course a tragic turn of events it can't be denied that it is also fantastic PR. It does also rather beg the question that, as good as the performance is, would have as much of a shit had been given had he lived? This is something that we'll never know of course, but does anybody really think that Heath Ledger would have got an Oscar for his rendition of the Joker if his he was still alive?

Either way, there is a salient lesson to be learnt here. If anyone ever offers you the role of an iconic comic book character that involves greasepaint and smiley faces, decline. Politely.

Of course, this film has gone on to become rather iconic, and it has to be said deservedly so. It is a quality production all around. I suppose the thing that really struck me when I re watched it was how simplistic it really is. I don't mean that in any particularly derogatory sense, but it is very much a black and white setting. The bad guys are uniformly irredeemable bastards, fully deserving of the impending vengeance about to be dished out. The hero was a nice happy guy with a nice happy girlfriend and a nice happy life (even if they are goths), until the bad guys come in and do their thing. This is helped along by the strong performances of the various gang members, particularly the big bad, who is delightfully despicable.

Visually of course we get some treats from the pre CGI age, with some lovely model work. Whilst it's perhaps interesting to contemplate how it would be done differently in this day age I really can't see that it would be significantly improved upon in anyway. The use of colour is actually subtle enough that I didn't really notice until it was pointed out in the attendant documentary. It's nice to see that level of detail in use in a production, with everything contributing to the overall mood of the piece.

Is it a very good film? Yes. Did it make me want to dig out the graphic novel and read it again? Most certainly. Are the legion of straight to video sequels probably a load of bollocks? I would guess so. However it's worth noting that none of them could be as bad as proposed musical version starring Micheal Jackson that James O'Barr mentions in the extras.

And now you know what's wrong with Hollywood.

Saturday, 25 September 2010

And Now I Hate Life And Everything In It

I realize I haven't posted anything here in a long time. There are a few reasons for that. Partly I've been dealing with my various crippling emotional problems, partly I've been busy and stressed out with work. Mostly I've been playing City Of Heroes, but that's another story.

Tonight though, I'd like to talk about something a little different. For some reason (which I assure you has everything to do with not being able to play CoV at the moment) I decided to experiment with one of those random chat sites. You know, the ones no sane person would go near because they know full well are full of lunatics and their wangs?

Well, let me dispel a few myths for you and tell you what it's REALLY like.

WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG. WANG.

You know those amussing conversations you sometimes see scrren caps of? Doesn't happen. Amusing conversation is a myth. Coherent conversation exists only in the fevered dreams of madmen, and the roads are paved with wang. Everything bad you have ever heard is true and you should, under no circumstance EVER try this at home kids.

The irony of course is that I did this as an experiment in socialization. Being a naturally introverted sort I figured I'd attempt a bit of random conversation to boost my gregariousness rank, which has so far served as a dump stat of the highest order. Not that the penalty has allowed me to actually buy any perks, but I digress. It's like people keep saying, I need to get out there and meet people. Well you know what? THEY WERE ALL MASTURBATING AT ME!! ALL OF THEM!!

I Don't want to meet anyone EVER AGAIN. Even worse, I don't think I'll ever be able to bring myself to actually jerk off again. Seriously, it's just not an option anymore. Sex is dead to me. I HAVE NO SEXUALITY. I renounce the very concept of gender. I've had enough of this disgusting biological compulsion.

The thing that really baffles me (because now I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT) is who, exactly, are they meant to be impressing? I mean even if there WERE any girls on the internet and any of them were niave or stupid enough to go on one of these sites and you somehow managed to connect to them entirely at random do you really think that the best way to way to attract a lady is to state, in the most unequivical terms possible, that you are in fact a COMPLETE WANKER?!?!!

Seriously ladies, help me out here. Let me know if you ever actually think "you know, I'm REALLY in the mood to looking at some creepy weirdo jerking off on a webcam". And I'll let you know that you are in fact not a lady but a fat bearded guy called keith who is at this moment sat in a darkened room jerking off into a webcam. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. JUST STOP.

Now, if you'll exuse me I'm going to go pour bleach into every single hole in my body in a vain attempt to scrub the internet out of it.

Friday, 10 September 2010

Many Merry Metroids Madly Mutilate Massively Morose Mangled Mimes

I'm rather torn over Metroid: Other M. It's not really a bad game. But I have far to many problems with it to consider it great. Now, I get that they were trying something a little different this time round, and I don't think thats a bad thing. But somehow the whole thing doesn't quite come come together as a satisfying experience in the way that, say, Metroid Prime did. So since it's bugging me I'm going to attempt to ennumerate the various problems I have with the game. And be warned, the following screed will contain spoilers. So if you're worried about the plot you're playing the wrong fucking game.

I suppose the place to start would be simply with my expectations. It's these I think that really interfered with my enjoyment early on. You see, I was expecting a Metroid game. Now, what that means to different people is, naturally enough, different. For me the most enjoyable aspect of previous Metroid games was the expolration aspect. Navigating a hostile environment, backtracking as you find new abilities which allow you to access new areas, that whole bit. Whilst there is a bit of this in Other M it's sadly rather minor. The "plot" has a habit of continually forcing you forward, locking doors behind you and generally not letting you just wander around doing your own thing. Instead there's a greater emphasis on the action and shooting thousands of bad guys part. This isn't a bad thing per se, but gets rather frustrating when you're wanting to go off and look for energy tanks or whatever.

The controls work fairly well, about as good as one might expect. The auto targeting is not always great, but works well enough. Although your tendancy to let of charged shots at menacing sections of air rather than the deadly space pirates who are RIGHT THERE YOU STUPID WOMAN!! THERE!!! SHOOT THAT!!!!!!!! does get a little annoying. Switching to stationary first person mode for the missiles isn't too bad either, although since "stand there and get shot" isn't the greatest strategy in the world you don't tend find yourself doing it unless you really need to.

Then theres the whole recharging thing. One of the interesting things we read about was the fact that you can recharge your health and missiles at any time by pointing the wiimote up and a holding a button. This is not technically a lie. You can fill up your missiles like this at any point. Your health however is another matter entirely. Sure, you can recharge it, but only when your health dips below a certain level. And it doesn't recharge your full health either. You can (eventually) find power ups to improve these, but the feature really isn't as useful as it perhaps sounds on paper. Thanks to the plethora of save points you hardly need to use it when fighting normal enemies as you're never really that far away from a recharge. And when you're fighting a boss and actually needs to you'll quickly find the time taken to get any health back is almost always slightly less than it takes for whatever is killing you to run across the room and finish the job. Similarly with the missiles you just don't use enough to actually need to recharge them much, except perhaps in the case of a boss where you don't have the time.

Since the missiles are rather unsuited to the frenetic pace of the combat I did find myself using the charged shot a lot more than I usually would. I know you're really supposed to, but I've always been a rapid fire kind of guy. This works just fine upto when you get the diffusion beam which generate some rather lovely wide area effects that effect multiple badguys and similtaneously stop you from seeing what the hell is actually going on. This is not desperately helpful it has to be said. Then theres the dramatic finishing moves you can do by running toward a stunned enemy whilst charging. The camera zooms in dramatically as you grapple the foe, discharging your beam at point blank range. IN THEORY. Sometimes it works and it's great. Sometimes you'll be trying to charge up and get too close and do a finishing move on something you didn't mean too. Sometimes you'll do one (normally by accident) on some big nasty and by the time the camera has zoomed in and you realize whats happening the foe has kicked you off. I don't think it's a bad feature, but it could be fine tuned a little. Of course then there's some bosses that seem to REQUIRE a particular finishing move, which may look very dramatic but what was wrong with simply filling the bastard with electric death until he stops moving?

What I've talked about so far are really only niggles. Stuff that's just not quite to my taste, or that I may overlook if overshadowed by other, more enjoyable elements. But now I've got to talk about the big stuff. The stuff that REALLY gets me. The worst elements of the game bar none. It's time to talk about plot and characterisation.

It feels odd to be discussing the characterisation of a silent protagonist, but that I think is where the major problem lies. Since previously Samus has been basically a non entity the player has been free to projuect whatever they like onto her in the games. Everyone has their own version in their heads, and the character will be fairlt idealized since we never have to put up with her doing anything clearly retarted in a cut scene. All she does is run, jump, shoot aliens and maybe wear a swimsuit if you find enough secrets. Until now. Because one of the big deals with this game is how it will fill in her character and story. They told us we'd learn new things about the character.

I bet noone was thinking they'd learn she was a moronic weakling with an unexploded biological clock.

Really, some of the stuff they have her do is frankly baffling. The most glaring example I can think of is when Ridley inevitably makes his appearance. That he's supposedly dead at this pint is largely irrelevant. I mean, he's been killed in basically EVERY OTHER METROID GAME EVER. You'd think Samus would be used to this by now. Just look for the glowing red bit and apply a liberal coat of missile, right?

No. She instead has a freakout and lets her mate get puched in the lava. To say this undermines the character on a massive scale is like saying that mining involves a bit of digging. This is, after all, a woman who has actually destroyed more planets than both Death Stars combined (I.E. more than 1). Just no, okay?
Then there's the way that she keeps saying baby. There is a perculiar emphasis in the vocal performance that has just a hint of dangerous fixation. I might overlook this if not for the scene where an infant Metroid appears and rather than blasting it she regards it as if it were a baby bunny or something. Luckily we're spared the scene of her kidnapping the damn thing to raise as her own since she takes a single shot to the back and promptly collapses like a sack of shit.

Again, JUST NO. Do you have any conception of just how much energy calibrated to the precise frequency of death I have absorbed up to this point? If you could save up all the plasma that's been fired in my general direction you could start up a small sun. If you kept all the missiles launched at face you could have a cold war all by youself. And I certainly had more than one bleeding energy tank. I don't know what gun it is that can do that to Samus in a single shot, but I want one. That thing would have blasted Ridley into a pteradactyl shaped stain faster than you can swear at this cutscene for being a load fucking bollocks.

Now, I'm sure you're familiar with the basic outline of the plot. samus recieves distress signal, goes to rescue, meets up with space marines and has a history. I'll get into more detail in a bit. But there's one particular aspect that, fundamentally, RUINS the game. At the beginning of the story Samus allegedly has all her powerups. Everything you unlocked in Super Metroid she has in some form or another. But then, on a dangerous mission into unknown territoy swarming with powerful and hostile enemies; enemies that have already killed every single person in the area, the space marine officer who you meet simply tells you not to use any of your powerful, deadly and life saving abilities. And then you don't. You COULD. I mean, you've got them right there. Better weapons, better armour, the whole deal. You just.... don't.

Now, traditionally of course a large chunk of any Metroid game is spent unlocking your power ups. But in every other game you DON'T ALREADY HAVE ALL OF THEM ON YOU. Maybe you didn't start with them at all. Maybe you did but then they all got brocken, or stolen or something. Thats all fine. You're working towards restoring all your powers and makes narrative sense. But here we're explicitly told that we already have everything we need. We're not having our ass burnt off in the lava level because we haven't found the Varia suit yet. We simply can't be bothered to turn it on. There is, put simply, NO CALL FOR THIS BULLSHIT. Take the powers away by all means. Drop her in a reactor, pretend she left them at home. Something. AMYTHING. Anything that makes the slightest bit of sense. Hell, we start up after the end of Super Metroid, right? Just say the suit got trashed when you were escaping from the exploding planet.

If you bring a gun to knife fight you use the gun. You don't use a spoon. Especially just because your grandmother doesn't really like knives very much.

So here we get to once again undermine the character of Samus (seriously, what kind of idiot would tolerate this shit?), spit in the face of common sense and similtaneously build up an intense hatred of what is supposed to be an important character. He's supposed to be a significant figure from Samus past, but you just want him to fuck off and die so you can finally use power bombs. This of course does not aid in the "plot".

Oh god, the "plot". Right, well I've got to address this sooner or later. So, basically it's resident evil in space. The military are conducting some OBVIOUSLY BAD IDEA experiments in bioweapons research. Which as we all know always ends well and nothing ever goes wrong. Anyway, since everything has inevitably gone wrong the space marines have been called in and Samus has crashed the party. Everythings going great until the marines start turning up dead and we finf out that there's a traitor who's there to get the t-virus or whatever and eliminate any witnesses. So at this point it becomes guess which one is Wesker. Anyway, investigations continue and we find out that not only were they breeding Grizbies, they were breeding SPACE PIRATES.

You see what a great idea that is?

It's okay though, because in order to control the space pirates they've built an A.I. A COPY OF MOTHER BRAIN.

NOTHING COULD GO WRONG.

In addition to this they scrapped all the shit off Samus' suit at the end of Super Metroid and CLONED RIDLEY. Though, to be fair they didn't know that at first as initially he came out looking like a goddamn furby or something. So we'll let them off a little...

OH WAIT THEY WERE CLONING METROIDS AS WELL. And not just Metroids. They were improving them. Creating a new breed that was resistant to cold. The fact that at no point does anyone refer to these as Super Metroids is a crime equalled by the fact that at no point do we even SEE one.

After all the build up and slogging our way through to the ominously named Sector 0 we instead get shot in the back (as previously mentioned) by that bastard who wouldn't let us use the goddamn power bombs. Then for some reason it turns out he's not Wesker as he goes into Sector 0, ejects it and makes it self destruct whilst you're spazzing about on the floor. The rationale behind this course of action being that since we haven't finished killing Ridley yet someones got to, and he really can't be bothered. The elation we feel at his death is somewhat marred by not actually getting access to our remaining power ups. That and the creeping feeling that they didn't have time to finish the game so a level got cut and the "plot" moved around to fit.

So, we're railroaded in whatever direction only to find that Ridleys allready dead, thus once again undermining all that build up. Also worth noting at this stage there's very few candidates for wesker left. Basically one. Although we haven't seen all the bodies, so someone may yet come back from the grave. Anyway it seems that Ridley got ganked by a Queen Metroid! Shock! Horror! Oh wait it's not actually a Super Queen Metroid, just a regular one. After a bit of fighting you destroy the Queen with a power bomb after looking it up online because at no point do you actually get to use power bombs until you're 5 seconds away from death in the Queens gastrointestinal pouch and nobody actually bothers to mention that you can now. That's something we like to call bullshit.

Anyway, now we find out that the survivor that we met earlier but I haven't mentioned yet isn't actually who she said she was. She's actually the Mother Brain A.I. They gave her human form so she could bond with the infant Metroids and better control them. You know, because she won't obviously go crazy and kill everyone. So, of course she went crazy and killed everyone. Anyway, you find this other survivor who's actually who she says who exposits all this before crazybot 5000 comes to fucking kill us.But then the army also turn up from fucking nowhere and theres a brief fight and then they guy who fell in the lava comes back from the grave despite being black but he's friendly so it's okay and then roll the credits.

And that whole plot about one of the marines being dodgy? IT IS NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN. You could almost put it down to lies told by little miss kilbot were it not for the cutscene showing one marine booting the dead deceased corpse of another into the lava. At the time this was pretty cool. It added a bit of mystery. One of the possible suspects is actually dead, but we don't know which. Now that's ignored completely, and the one who's left unnaccounted for? Nobody gives a shit. he's never mentioned either.

After the credits you get to go back to the ship before the army blow it up and can FINALLY get some proper exploring in, fight a giant random space monster and then trigger a timed escape in true Metroid fashion. However even this is not without it's hideous glaring problems. See, apparently it turns out that rather than going back to, let's say, look for that one guy who's missing and everyone has forgotten about, Samus has actually gone back for a souvenier of that dead bastard who wouldn't let me use any of my goddamn power ups. So we eventually get to the room where he safely locked himself away whilst everyone else was off dying for the cause, and for some reason deactivates her power suit before picking up his discarded helmet Natuarally at this point the timer kicks in. Now, when you've got to evacuate an exploding space craft and posses a suit of powered armour that protects you against damage, vaccum, and gravitational anomolies whilst similataneously providing you with speed boosts, enhanced jumping and the firepower to destroy anything in your way would you not think it a good idea to FUCKING USE IT? Or am I being to obvious. Now, there's plently of time on the clock. You can reach your ship with a minute or two to spare, even if you fuck up a bit. But that's not the point. The point is that Samus is acting like a complete retard AGAIN. For NO good reason whatsoever.

And the real burn? After you've gone through all that, even with 100% pickups, you don't get a swimsuit picture. You don't get FUCKING ANYTHING. No hidden ending, no bonus scene, no answer to the subplot that you spent 80% of the game investigating and then everyone forgot. I guess theres the concept art gallery, but still....

Overall, whilst it's fun in places this was a dissapointing experience. There's stuff they got right to be sure. Just being able to continue from when you die rather than a save point 10 minutes away is a great step in the right direction. But considering how much they were harping on about the story being important in this couldn't thety have at least TRIED having one? If the plot of other M was incarnated as a person I would punch him in the face. The poor construction, random tangents and brutally unfinished threads really seem to suggest that something's missing here. Either there were some major cuts and things had to be put back together pretty quickly, or I guess they got bored halfway through or something. The whole buisness with the way they rationed powerups was just dumb and the characterisation of the series main character was, after all the build up, fantastically lame. Sure it can be fun enough to play if you can ignore the plot. But you can't.

Oh, and a word about cutscenes. There are a few things a cutscene in a game should be. Ideally it should be short and to the point. Crucially it should be both skippable (in the event you've already scene it) and pausable (in the event that you haven't). Sadly the cutscenes here lack any of these characteristics. You can get away with a lack of one set of these characteristics only in the event you've got the others nailed down. Quite why in this day and age nobodies managed to come up with a cutscene you can pause is frankly baffling.  There is no call for this behaviour. We have the technology. We can rebuild him Get with the goddamn program people.

I want to like this game more than I should. Out of 10 I'm tempted to rate it a 6 or 7, but really, once you take all the problems into consideration, it's about a 5 tops. And Metroid games have very little buisness down that end of the scale.