OMGWTFSRSLYORLYETC?

I just got some spammy email from ebay, having bought a couple of cds last week, vainly attempting to exhort me to buy more. Aside from the fact that the "featured" oh so cheap you really must buy it now item was ONE I'D JUST BOUGHT, the missive included the following gem which I felt compelled to share with you:

Dear ebay, not only are you doing it wrong, I don't think you could get it any wronger by actually trying. Indeed, if you put the slightest effort into generating this pointless spammy crap, even if that effort was in completely the wrong direction, you'd probably come out with something more relevant than this bullshit. There are Peruvian folk bands who are more metal than this. You hurt my brain and make the baby jesus cry. I don't need this shit first thing in the morning.

Project: Read Or Die - Chapter Four A Correspondence Course In Literacy

Today I have been, believe or not, actually mostly working and not really playing Guild Wars at all. Apart from a bit, but that doesn't count. However in amongst all that actual work and whatnot I somehow found the time to finish reading Gloom Party.

Or, as it is somewhat curiously billed "How To Read Manga: Gloom Party By Yoshio Kawashima". I admit that when I first stumbled across this tome online that somewhat patronising title did rather put me off. I mean, I KNOW how to read manga. It's pretty simple:

10 Buy some Manga

20 Read it

30 GOTO 10

Simple, right?

However I was won over by both the title, the cute character on the front and the promises of dark humor.

So, what do we actually get here?

Well, it's (mostly) 4 koma comics, presented in the original Japanese and accompanied by translations and notes, perhaps not that far off the translation notes you often find in the back of manga these days. The point here is that this particular series of comics, whilst alternately obscure, risque and odd, are often highly culturally specific. The purpose of the volume is to then give you a bit of grounding in these aspects and explain the context. Though this noble goal is somewhat hampered by the translators reticence in explaining any of the more overtly sexual humour. When the whole point of the book is to explain the jokes this does seem like a bit of an oversight.

The strips themselves, whilst a little variable in places, do have some genuinely funny pieces on offer. Particularly the many involving Sacchan, the cute little preschool girl in the cat outfit on the cover. Who's also a wife and trying to be a mother. She is ADORABLE. Indeed, I suspect it may have been possible (perhaps even advisable) to collect these strips along with some of the other more straightforward material and publish it as a straight up translation. The main drawback I see here is in the educational focus of the book. Not that what it's doing is particularly bad, but the presentation is all wrong. This is, as the parental advisory note on the front indicates, not exactly a book for kids. But you thrust this toward your average adult manga fan and they're attitude is quiet liable to be, as mine was, "I KNOW how to read manga thanks" and pass by. Which would be a shame as there's some good material available here. If only you can get past that suspiciously reminiscent of comics fucking sans how to "read" bit on the cover.

Really, it's the putting the "read" in quotation marks that really sets my teeth on edge.

Anyway if you like slightly obscure humor and lots of jokes featuring girls panties (and let's be honest who doesn't) this may be worth checking out. Especially since it seems you can pick it up quite cheap online of you look for it.

Monkey Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.......................

I am, right now, as I type this, literally angry with rage. Or would be if I had the energy. Luckily I'm feeling rather unwell, or there would be a lot of swearing going on.

But to the crux of my dilemma. I am currently, as you may know, engaging in a marked attempt to spend time away from screens by immersing myself in a sort of literary fugue of dead tree media. And one of the things I particularly enjoy reading is manga.

So, I'd bought up all the volumes of Saiyuki Reload (having already completed Saiyuki) for a bit of a binge. Nothing quite like getting a full set of a really good series and reading it all in one go.

However, I've come to the end of volume 9 and made a startling discovery. Volume 9 is NOT in fact the last volume. Well, it's the last volume available on amazon or anywhere else, but it's far from the end of the story. So I'm stranded in cliffhanger hell right now. Which is frustrating, but the next volume should be out kinda soon? Right?

FUCK ONLY KNOWS.

Apparently vol 9 was published in Jan 2009. So now it's 2 years later, and after literally MINUTES of googling I can't find the slightest clue as to weather or not the series has been abandoned entirely or they're just taking a long time to catch up or what.

It's just frustrating is all I'm saying. I've been shafted by great series being arbitrarily dropped before (Reiko The Zombie Shop anybody? How about Noodle Fighter Miki?) and it really fucks me off. I know it can take a while to get stuff published over here once we catch up to Japan, but it's the total lack of any comment from the publisher that really annoys.

Ah well, maybe this year, eh? At least I only just finished the available volumes now. Just think of the poor fans who got it on release day. 2 years...

Oh wait, Ghost Talkers Daydream.

FUCK YOU PUBLISHERS. FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE EAR.

I'm gonna go lay down for a bit.

Project: Read Or Die - Chapter Three Dead Tree Media

Today's book then is Harmony by Project Itoh.

Now, Obviously, me being me, I've had an interest in the Haikasoru imprint since I first heard about it. However I've been remarkably lax in actually picking up any of the goddamn books. Before this I'd only managed to get All You Need Is Kill, which is pretty daft when you think about it as I loved the shit out of that book.

There aren't really too many similarities between the two though. They're both Japanese sci-fi stories, and I powered through each of them during particularly lax days at the office. Oh, and they're both actually really good. Shouldn't forget that.

How do describe this story? A brooding cyberpunk Dys-Utopian conspiracy detective story musing on the nature of consciousness? Sounds a bit pretentious.
The world presented is certainly interesting and fairly compelling reading. The idea of a supposedly perfect world that certain members of the population just can't relate to. Part of what makes it interesting is the pacing of the narrative. I admit that right at the beginning things don't sound so bad, and you almost wonder what it is the main characters are rebelling against as it were. But over the course of time the ubiquitous intrusiveness of this supposedly perfect society unravels before us in a frankly chilling vision of the future. What makes it scary is simply how PLAUSIBLE it all seems. Building on contemporary technology, trends and fears we see a homogenised society of facebook gone mad, where privacy is not just a thing of the past but also a dirty word.

Where do the misfits go in such an all encompassing system of enforced physical, mental and medical attention? There's a palpable social claustrophobia that, I suppose, is an expression of the social pressures that are fairly uniquely Japanese.


It's hard to really discuss this book without giving to much away, and the plot is not exactly straightforward. Where we find ourselves at the conclusion of the narrative is not exactly expected. The characters presented are not always quite sympathetic, but not totally unlikable. More there is a certain alien-ness which stems from the world in which they exist. The use of various html style code fragments and tags throughout the text adds to this feeling I think.

I suppose you could classify this as some light heavy reading. Whilst it didn't take me a huge amount of time to finish it's not exactly what you'd call lightweight or comfortable. In all probability it'll yield some new insights on a re-read. But I've got some other tasks to attend to before I get to that particular pleasure.

All in all a bloody good read. Go buy it or something.

Project: Read Or Die - Chapter Two FOR SCIENCE!!

So, the next tome in my pile of trying desperately not to spend all my life staring vacantly at monitors is The Science Of Doctor Who by Paul Parsons.

Now, as for my particular motivation for getting this, that should be fairly self evident. I like Doctor. I like science (though I do prefer SCIENCE!! which is subtly different and tends to feature more robots). So obviously a book about both should be pretty good, right?

You were expecting me to say no then, weren't you?

Actually this book isn't bad at all. It's written in a fairly engaging style, and certainly doesn't descend into the sort of deathly dull dryness that is certainly possible for this sort of thing. Whilst being low on excruciating detail does perhaps limit the amount of information imparted, that really isn't the thrust of the book. Basically what we're doing here is using Doctor Who as a jumping off point to discuss various related scientific and technological advances. The book rattles through at a fair pace, providing a fairly broad sweep of topics, all of which may merit further investigation should they perk your particular interest.

It's nice to see that the book draws it's topics from the full range of Doctor Who, not just the new series. Of course, this may well have a lot to do with being published some time after series 1. The edition I got did contain a bonus chapter briefly discussing a couple of aspects from series 2, but not in great detail or depth. Perhaps this is for the best. Quite how Fear Her ever got made does defy rational explanation after all.

Since we're offered a fairly broad palette there's probably something in here to engage most people, either from the theories discussed or the references that engender them. As a book for a youngish fan this strikes me as a good present. Learning by stealth as it were. Though for the actually very young fans it's might be a bit much, but I'm really not the guy to ask. It's been more than a few years since I was a child after all.

I guess the only major drawback here is simply that the book is already starting to date a bit in places. There's no stopping progress after all. Time, science, and even Doctor Who itself marches inexorably forwards.

Still a fun and informative read, and certainly good value for the pittance I paid for it.

Project: Read Or Die - Chapter One A F.A.T.A.L. Worse Than Death

Right then. So, as you may or may not be aware I recently came to the conclusion that I really hadn't been spending enough time reading. In order to combat this anti-intellectual malaise I went and bought myself a big pile of books.

And then promptly started playing Guild Wars again.

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.........................

Yeah. So in a no doubt vain attempt to provide some additional motivation I'm gonna make this into a project. I'm gonna read books, and then talk about them here. Because it's my goddamn blog and if I want to talk about the quality of my navel fluff or review my latest bowel movements I bloody well can and you'll just have to deal with it.

So, the first tome out of my lovely large pile of amazon packages is....

The Kobold Wizard's Dildo Of Enlightenment +2 By Carlton Mellick III.

Now, if you're wondering why anyone would buy a book called The Kobold Wizard's Dildo Of Enlightenment +2 then there's clearly something wrong with you. Specifically, that there ISN'T something wrong with you. That's not normal, you should probably get help.

Anyway, THE BOOK. This is, in a word, epic. Even if it is billed as being for levels 2-5. The idea of the story is really good. Simply, what if the characters in a role playing game became aware that they were just characters in a game? In a HORRIBLE game. Basically the world in which out hapless P.C.'s find themselves is being run by the sort of GM who'd think F.A.T.A.L. is a great idea.

For those of you who aren't aware of just what F.A.T.A.L. is, it has tables for both the size of your penis AND working out what size objects will fit in your arse. This I think should tell you basically everything you need to know.

So, anyway, we have our party of ineptly played characters trying to find their way through this nightmarish whirlwind of rape, violence, more rape, and large wangs on EVERYTHING. As a recreation of the sort of thing you'd expect to come from the mind of a sexually frustrated weirdo teenager it's pretty spot on. Hence the titular artifact. It's getting this used on them that grants the game characters their self awareness. It is not a happy world to find oneself in.

The whole book is presented as an old D&D module, as you can tell from the cover art above. There's character sheets for the P.C.s and N.P.C.s, there's maps, tables and drawings. It's a fantastically put together piece of work which really evokes the whole feel. And it's actually a decent story to boot. It's unusual, but since when has this ever been a bad thing. I mean,yeah, if you're easily offended then this is clearly not the sort of thing for you. But then you can just fuck right off.

I'd read Satan Burger by the same author a few years ago, so I had some appreciation for his particular style. Really this is either the sort of thing you'll love or hate. A bit crude, a bit gonzo. Well written and full of really great ideas. If you have any love of RPGs then this is a book that you really should read.

Unless you find the idea of dragons with gigantic prehensile man eating wangs CONFUSING.

It's A Kind Of Magic

I've just had a great idea for how to run a magic system in rpgs.

See, I've long had a problem with magic systems. And I don't just mean the fact that a level 1 mage redefines the definition of both useless and liability in EVERY SYSTEM EVER WRITTEN.

No, the problem is that magic systems simply don't tend to feel very magical. A lot of this is of course due to the fact that rather than exploring the infinite arcane wonders of the cosmos you're always just shopping from a fixed list of spells with absolutely ZERO room for imagination or creativity on the past of the PC. However another issue is the managing of spells itself. Basically you have one of two systems depending on wether you're playing D&D or not.

If you are playing D&D then you get to cast a spell once per day whereupon you instantly forget it completely in what I an only describe as COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT. Or you have mana points. Now, mana points do work okay, and are obviously a big improvement over the D&D system  as the idea isn't obviously retarded. But it's still very precise and scientific. There's no mystery there. Once you've used up your magic points you can't do anything else. At all. You don't even have the option to try, even at great personal risk or anything.

And somehow I've come up with an idea that strikes me as potentially being better than these standard options. I'm sure someone MUST have thought of this already, but I don't recall seeing it anywhere.

Basically, the idea is to have saving throws with a cumulative penalty. So the more you cast the harder it gets until eventually you simply can't do it any more. You know, like actually wearing yourself out or something.

So, for example we'll say we're using a d100 system (because it keeps the math simple). We'll take a fairly simple spell, say magic missile (because the darkness isn't going to attack itself).

And we'll say it has a difficulty of 10 for some reason. That is you need to roll over 10 on a d100 to cast it. The we'll give it a fatigue value of 2, why not? So every time you cast it adds 2 to the difficulty of all subsequent spells. So the first magic missile is 10, the next is 12, then 14, 16 etc etc. Big complicated spells have higher difficulties and fatigue burdens, simpiler ones have lower. If you've got a spell that needs maintaining then make the fatigue bigger. So continuing our example whilst our one shot magic missile has a low fatigue of 2 raising up a zombie minion could have a fatigue of like 15 or something silly, thus representing the mental drain required to maintain and direct the minions.

If you want a system with crunchy muchkin maths then make all the values bigger and give the pcs stats and feats to offset them. Reserves of willpower or arcane strength, masteries of whatever arcane schools are appropriate to the setting. If you want something rules light keep the numbers lower and just use it as gauge. Either way we then get some great fun working out what happens when a mage finally pushes past his limits and it all goes horribly wrong. Or, conversly the mage will always have a chance, no matter how slim, of getting of that one final spell.

Even better you can provide temporary offsets in the form of highly addictive mana potions, and watch as all the wizards try not to become complete crack heads.

Obviously the fatigue can be reset by whatever recharge is appropriate; a good nights rest, arcane meditation, fellatio or whatever.

It just seems like a fairly good idea to me. I'm certainly gonna give it a try in my next game. If nothing else it should help determine what point the idiot spellcaster passes out.

2010: Was That The Year That Was?

And so another year dawns. Or did dawn a few days ago. Whatever. I've been down with a bewildering array of viruses, both biological and computer, which has meant that for much of the past week I've been incapable of getting ANYTHING DONE.

So, you know, thanks for that.

Still, now that it's about time to go back to work I would appear to be feeling almost healthy, and the P.C. has been reinstalled, so I guess it's about time to check in with some highlights from the past year. As with last year I'll be addressing the various things I have personally consumed or experienced. whether or not it was actually released is an entirely separate issue.

Music

It was actually a pretty good year for music. This isn't really all THAT shocking since music is one of my primary motivating factors. But what was interesting was that this year there was actually some really good western metal coming out. Or, to put it another way, a few bands I liked from back in the day finally put out some new CDs.

So new albums from Aborym, The Vision Bleak AND The Meads Of Asphodel. Dense, dark industrialised black metal, sweeping and grandiose gothic metal and... whatever it is that the Meads do. It's perhaps a little odd, but it's also pretty awesome. The main reason I've generally drifted away from the whole metal "scene" is simply through a lack of genuinely interesting music. These bands are some of the few left that actually perk my interest.

We also found the delicious oddity of Metroid Metal, which I've talked about previously. Both the exquisitely titled Varia Suite and then the Expansion Pack. Metal covers of the various Metroid soundtracks. Do you REALLY need anything else?

But what of the motherland? How have we fared for music from the mysterious east?

NEW KANA ALBUM!!

Seriously you guys. I admit I'm a hopeless Kana fanboy, but I really can't help it.She's just so ADORABLE.

On the Darkest Labyrinth front we've had several strong releases, with new CD's from GPKISM and Seileen, some really promising singles from Lix and a couple of really good compilations. But the highlight of the year for me as got to be The Sound Bee HD.

Starting out in their old releases with a Mad Capsule Markets style tech rock before moving into more gothic industrial territories with the DL debut album Hachi. Their sound really advances though with Doku. It's here that the shamisan touches come forward a little more, and it's these subtle touches of traditional japanese instrumentation that really set things off. I really can't wait to see where they go from here.

Add to that new releases from 9Goats Black Out, Kanon Wakeshima, Yousei Teikoku and of course Versailles -Philharmonic Quintet- and you've got some fucking good tunes.

A special (if sneaky) mention also needs to go to the KanonXKanon single Calendula Requiem.

See, when this first came out I had no idea what it actually was. Nowhere had I seen "This is Kanon Wakeshima and Kanon from An Cafe" written down, so it wasn't until near the end of December that I finally found out by seeing the video. Of course, once I found that out I "acquired" a copy post haste. Now, the title track is really cool, no question. And the video for it is pretty fun. But it's the B sides that are the real highlight. The second track "The Doll House" is awesome yes. But it's the third track that really gets me. That's called "Umigame Soup". Now, I have no idea what it's actually about, but that doesn't matter. What do you suppose you get when you have a sweet voiced japanese girl singing a song about soup.

GOTHIC LOLITA CLANGERS.

And it is exactly as adorably creepy as that sounds. Moving on...

Film & TV

Strangely there doesn't seem to have been much in the way of particularly great visual stimuli this time around. But luckily what we lack in quantity we more than make up for in quality.

Oh yes. The new series of Doctor Who thundered onto our screens and then just... didn't stop. Okay the resolution of Victory Of The Daleks was a bit soft, and the whole football bit in The Lodger dragged on a little, but whose counting? A bold new vision for the show, literally sweeping away what came before whilst simultaneously building on it. Matt Smith firmly cements himself as the Doctor within nanoseconds of falling out of the TARDIS, and a whole new era is born. What could be better than this?

How about some Ultraman? Ultra Galaxy Legend finally came out on DVD and, best of all, HAD ENGLISH SUBTITLES!! This, of course, made me a very happy bunny.

No, not that one

Featuring (very nearly) 100 monsters, an evil Ultraman, the land of light itself, the crew of the Space Pendragon and more Ultramen than you could shake a cosmic sting at, never mind a stick. Whilst there a few valid criticisms that could be made this whole film is basically a gigantic fanboy boner fest. You can't help but love it.

But outside of the writhing orgy of my fanboy lusts, has there been much stimulating viewing?

Hmmm, perhaps I chose the wrong analogy. The Ancient Dogoo Girl is a surprisingly great series. I mean that in the sense that it works on far more levels than the whole "busty girl in a bikini fights monsters" thing that you get on first glance. Starting out comedic it has some pretty dark episodes, but always remains entertaining. My only lament is the quality of subtitles on my copy takes a dive right at the point where the more serious aspects start up. Why we can't get anything this good on TV over here I don't know.

Outside of these few instances however I'm not sure that there's been too much that really bears repeating. Whilst there have been other things I've mentioned throughout the year there's not been that many that really spring to mind right now. partly I guess this is due to the shocking fact that somehow I've only bought one anime in the past year.

Though I did finally manage to snag a copy of the Ultraman Tiga region 1 DVDs. That was pretty epic.

Reading

I have to say, even I was shocked to see what crap year it's been for reading. When I check back over my records there's hardly anything I've bought that isn't manga. And that's mostly been continuing series. Why this mysterious lack of interesting reading materials?

I WONDER.

When you take into account the horrors I've put myself through recapping those bloody awful novels it's hardly surprising that I've been a little put off reading. Even after that there's just not been that much that's really good. I got the City Of Heroes novels, sure. And one of them was actually good. However the other one... wasn't. So that's hardly much of a highlight.

In the Manga stakes, as I said it's been mostly continuing series. For some reason I don't seem to have launched into much in the way of new titles with my usual gusto. Of what there is though I do have at least a couple of highlights.

First up is King Of Thorn. This had cropped up on my radar ages ago, but it wasn't until seeing the movie that I finally got around to getting it. This is a pretty cool story, with some imaginative touches and a nice creepy atmosphere (which is one of the great things about the movie. It's got fantastic atmos). One of the advantages about this is that, without giving too much away, they made some pretty major changes in the film version. So even if you've seen that there's still plenty here to surprise you. At 6 volumes it's a nice easily collectible length as well, so it shouldn't be too difficult to pick up a full set.

If King Of Thorn is my top "old" series for the year then I guess my top "new" has gotta be Ratman.

Focusing on the exploits of a wannabe hero whose tricked into working for a semi-competent evil organisation it's like a mash up of City Of Heroes and Dokkoida with touches of Excel Saga. It's an original and amusing take on the whole hero genre, though it's not without it's serious moments of course. There's only a couple of volumes out at the moment, but I'm certainly looking forward to more.

Gaming

Ahh. That's where the year went. I gotta say I have been doing an awful lot of gaming this year. Which is probably why I haven't managed to do so much of everything else. But out of the morass of various time wasting applications, what have been the best?

Prob gonna have to go with Metroid Prime Trilogy. If only to spite the flawed wreckage that constituted Other M. It may seem odd making the game of the year a collection of other older games, but at the end of the day these are fucking GOOD games. Fun to play, and gathered together like this damn good value for money, even of you pay over the odds for them like I did.

However second place, or if we're really honest, joint first place goes to Sakura Wars: So Long My Love.

Part strategy, mostly dating sim. I have really played a game like this. It's just so much FUN. The lack of a reasonable dub option for the Wii is easily overcome by simply turning the voices off, and then you get a great time of trying (and mostly failing) to impress various lovely ladies. All of whom drive combat mechs and could break you in a second. With the various characters to woo the game has a fair degree of replayability, and it even has a crossdressing section. Which for some reason always makes a game better. Quite why we don't get more dating sims I don't know. I guess romance isn't as politically correct as disembowelment for some reason.

Other honorable mentions go to Monster Hunter Tri (for providing all the grindyness of an online game without any of the idiots), City Of Villains (because who wants to be a hero really), Guild Wars (because I got a pet robot) and Kororinpa (for being far more fun that it has any right to be. Also the Penguin).

This isn't an exhaustive list of stuff by any means. But then it doesn't have to be. Just a few highlights of the year that was. It's fun to stop and consider what was best about the past year, if for no other reason than we can then use those conclusions to inform the coming age.

So me? I'm gonna go buy some books. GOOD books.