Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Comparative Anatomy Part 1: Judge By It's Cover.

So, over the past year or so I've been studying paleontology, albeit in a strictly unofficial, amateur capacity. And it's probably fair to say that I've developed quite a love for the subject of Dinosaurs.

Unfortunately, so have... other elements of the internet. And we all know how literal they can be.


It comes to something when you're looking for paleontology documentaries on amazon, and the recommendations come straight up with Anti-chaffing cream, a washing line and bed bug spray. I don't know what the hell these people are doing, but they're obviously not doing it particularly hygienically.

Still, it's been quite a while since I embarked on one of these horror / comedy type recaps, so so fuck it, why not? Can you guess what time it is?


I'd been contemplating doing another one of these dinosaur bestiality books for quite a while. But really, after a psychic T-Rex where can you go? I could just start leaving angry reviews on amazon pointing out that Pterosaurs and Pleisiosaurs aren't actually Dinosaurs. But there was one other title that had caught my eye as perhaps being ridiculous enough to be worthwhile. You know all those happy friendly kids shows where the exhibits in the museum come to life after dark?


Yeah. They went there. And now so are we. But with one important added complication: We're going to be going there TWICE. You see, whilst I was casting about the recommendations from the existing authors prodigious ouput, looking for more horrific pornography to publicly mock, I discovered that SOMEONE ELSE has started writing this stuff.


I wouldn't mind so much, only they'd apparently written THE SAME STORY. I mean, it's bad enough that Dinosaur porn is apparently popular enough for someone else to be jumping on the bandwagon. But for actual cheap knockoffs to be a thing? That implies whole levels of profitable popularity that one shudders to contemplate.

Looking on the bright side though, it gives us a lot more fodder to discuss here. Well, bright side for you lot anyway. I'm the one who actually has to read this stuff.

And so, for tonights battle royale may I present, in the brown corner, the reining champions of "erotic" "dinosaur" "literature"  Christie Sims & Alara Branwen with their entry Taken At The Dinosaur Museum!


And in the yellow corner, the challenger, a newcomer to the field of prehistoric reptile fondling, Natalie Black with Mating At The Dinosaur Museum!


Let battle commence.

The first thing you may notice is that I really wasn't kidding when I said they'd written the same damn story. Not only is the premise identical (I.E. woman at museum museum is molest by magic dinosaurs) the TITLES are only one word out. And you have to wonder just how much of that is down to artistic preference, and how much is down to the fact that amazon won't let you put the word "rape" in your titles anymore.

But it's in the covers that the contest really heats up. At first glance they appear quite similar. Stock pictures of dinosaur replicas photoshopped with an out of context female models who are inevitably regretting signing on with that stock photo company now. But whilst Taken gives us a reasonably well composited image and the intruiging mystery of just how a ghost lady and missing painting might figure into a tale about getting gang banged by prehistoric lizards, Mating gives us something quite different. BAD photoshopping of a model into somebodies holiday snaps. Seriously, check out that cover full size. Note the awful job someone has done in cutting that poor girl out of her original background. I mean, neither of them is exactly going out of their way to blend the lighting or anything, but at least Taken has reasonably clean trimming around the various layers and some attempt at composition. And don't even get me started on the title fonts and positioning. There really is no contest here.

You may think odd to spend this much effort critiquing the covers of cheap porn of questionable morality, but if a jobs worth doing, it's worth doing well. So round 1 to the champ I think. But now I can't actually put it off any longer. I'm actually going to have to start reading.