Okay, not really. Brought before her peers to answer for crimes that she may or may not have committed, the grand jury of idiots finally comes to the conclusion that there may or may not be something dodgy going on so maybe we should wait before having you executed. You know, just in case. Since the mysterious masters of the outer darkness also think sexual tension is really, REALLY funny Bitchy is sentenced to go stay with Sancho V3 in his remote country estate.
NOTHING COULD GO WRONG™.
She can't be kept at Casa Del Sancho since Binto is apparently pregnant. And whilst we all totally believe you didn't kill those guys and aren't going to crazy and murder everyone around you and we totally trust you GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM US RIGHT NOW!!!
Also: baby Sanchos. EWW. This will not end well.
Moving on, Bitchy is bundled off the next day onto a slow train to the middle of fucking nowhere. She's still fairly out of what with the whole being pumped full of experimental drugs and all, but that's okay since it means V3 can sit there staring at her sleeping form and being MASSIVELY CREEPY.
Why do I have to point out that THIS IS NOT NORMAL?!?!
How creepy? Well, it is now revealed that Sancho V3 has actually seen Bitchy TWICE before in the past. That this is presented as evidence of their GOTHIC DESTINY™ and fated juice mingling is actually MORE creepy than if he'd spent the time just straight up stalking her. I mean, just SEEING a woman a couple of times and then deciding "YES, WE WILL FUCK" is just a little... Off somehow. At least a proper stalker will put in some effort and send you a bouquet of rat skulls or something. Especially when you remember that on these magical prior occasions Bitchy DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.
Moving on, eventually after some MORE sexual tension the train arrives at it's destination, and it's time to embark on the next leg of our journey. or would be if Bitchy could be bothered to wake up, which she of course can't. One might almost think she was recovering from some sort of illness or something. So V3 has his minions put up the cloaking device so he can carry her out without anyone noticing. Because if there's one thing dodgier than carrying an unwell and unconscious woman from a train it's carrying an unconscious woman from a train in secret with no witnesses.
Loaded into the carriage for the next leg of the journey into whatever equivelent of the Carpathians it is we have in northern England things go from awful to worse pretty quickly. Now, there's no real way to sugar coat this or put it poetically, so I'm just gonna have to say it outright.
He spends the trip rubbing his wang on her head.
Can I go now?
She's all passed out with her head on his lap, and he's all like " I has an erection and a bumpy road. NIIIICE".
I mean, seriously. I have no words. I don't even know what's going on anymore.I've COMPLETED Rapelay and it was still LESS WRONG THAN THIS GUY.
This is closer to a normal healthy relationship than anything I have yet read by this author
Fuck, now my brain hurts. I mean, it did anyway, but when you're reading you can just sort of gloss over it a bit and move on to the next part. it's when you have to then recount it that it really starts to burn holes in your already fractured sanity.
Anyway, eventually we arrive at the castle Dracula or whatever this remote and dilapidated manse is supposed to evoke. Handily Binto had managed to pack up and ship off some of Bitchys stuff to be picked up at the station, including one of her various pet snakes. Only of course now that Bitchy is suffering from limp woman syndrome it bites her, and V3 is obliged to suck the poison out. Note that it bites her ON THE HAND, so quite why he felt the need to rip open her top is a matter best left to the police.
The castle or whatever the hell the place is supposed to be is a rundown shithole infested with cats and generic root vegetables. Not necessarily in that order. Bitchy once more flakes out and Sancho V3 has some tormented thoughts. See, he's not creepy, he's TORMENTED. No doubt he has some dark secret in his past which totally justifies his appalling and frankly illegal treatment of women up to this point.
It would perhaps help if he wasn't staring at her tits whilst he's doing it though.
Anyway, Bitchy awakes refreshed in the morning. maybe this is due to V3 going off and being tortured in a corner somewhere rather than stalking her somnambulent corpus, thus finally allowing her a decent nights sleep. Perhaps she'll start sucking a bit less now. One of these seems more likely than the other, I'll let you guess which.
So, here we are, in our remote and isolated local. Population: Sancho V3 (and his issues), The Countess Bitchy (along with her and V3s sexual tension) 2 other goth rangers henceforth referred to as Pinky and Perky, an indeterminant number of cats and one snake (missing, presumed written out). And some potatoes.
The potatoes are a bit of a problem, as it appears that, firstly they are the only source of food, and secondly there is a lack of proper cooking utensils. So Pinky get in a huff and wanders off since apparently it's hard to make chips with only a sword, and Bitchy has a bit of a chat with Perky. In which is it is revealed that maybe V3 has... you know... been there..
Been a bit of a man of the world. If you know what I mean.
Bitchy is, of course, shocked. A man that surreptitiously rubs his penis on the face of a sleeping woman having engaged in such behaviour? Shocking.
At least you better hope it is, otherwise this will prove to be the worst cliffhanger ever.
well..... almost
Tune again next time for sordid secrets of Sancho V3s love life. Which I'm sure won't be that he totally fancied some chick, and then she totally died or anything.
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