Yes. That Makes Sense.
She goes along with it. I mean, what does she know, she's only a girl.
Yeah. Okay, fine. Whatever. I went into this fully expecting her to undergo a total character implosion and emerge a drippy and useless sack of fail. I really shouldn't be complaining about this so much, or we'll never get on to the REALLY traumatic bits. So maybe we should skip the part where she gets down on all fours and begs for him to stay like a needy bitch? Because at this point we really need more of this tedious sexual tension, right?
Anyway, next day Pinky & Perky are recalled to London. Seems everyone else is trying to deal with plot whilst the writers attention is focused elsewhere. It must be nice to be able to get on with your job without having to sit having erections at things for DECADES at a time. Oh, speaking of erections did I mention that the very first thing Sancho V3 does after extricating himself from guilt trip pillow duties is slink of for a furious WANK? Because He totally does. Consider that one bishop that has been well and truly bashed.
They do say life is in the little details.
Anyway, back to the plot. Or at least as close to one as we're going to get. The hired help having fucked off with highly suspicious timing which I'm sure is nothing to do with the bad guys sending fake messages or anything, Binty and V3 head into the village to do a spot of grocery shopping at the local slave market. But are somewhat disappointed to find that there isn't one. Seems the NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL Thrall and Company came through the village before and hired all the eligible servant types first. Shocking that. See, this is the sort of thing you can do when you're just sitting around trying to build the sexual tension. You can go out and actually get shit done.
Such as getting yourself invited for tea by Binty, who it seems is bored of not getting any action at all to the point where she is willing to settle for tea and biscuits instead. Needless to say, V3 is just thrilled about this. Here's a tip mate, stop spending all your time trying to be brooding and tortured and maybe you wouldn't have any reason to get jealous. YOU ARE NOT THE GODDMAN BATMAN. Get over yourself already.
Pictured: NOT YOU.
On the way home from totally failing to hire any servants however our intrepid duo manage to stumble across a convenient scene of domestic abuse. Some idiot farm boy is having the shit beaten out of him, so Sancho leaps to the rescue in a homicidal frenzy in order to show that he has ISSUES YOU GUYS, ISSUES!!!!!! But is still actually some sort of good guy. Whatever, you're still not the goddman Batman. So saving the conveniently abused urchin from his conveniently abusive situation they return to the castle with plus one slave. Funny how things work out isn't it?
Later, having dumped their latest acquisition in the servants quarters the two plot crossed lovers almost mange to have a conversation. Except of course that Sancho doesn't talk much about his past and all that. BECAUSE HE HAS ISSUES. DID WE MENTION YET THAT HE TOTALLY HAS ISSUES ABOUT SOMETHING? BECAUSE HE TOTALLY DOES YOU GUYS, HE HAS ISSUES OUT THE WAZZOO.
Night falls, slave boy heads off to gather the rest of his conveniently abandoned and bereft siblings for their shot at indentured servitude and Sancho has a bit of a dramatic swoop about in the night, because I guess he still hasn't gotten the message about not being the goddman batman.
That kid you just picked up is more Batman than you will ever be
Having failed to quell his sexual frustrating by dramatically swooping through the night like an insomniac starling on PCP Sancho returns to his room, realising that there is only one way to calm his tremulous passions (by which I mean HIS PENIS. It's a metaphor). Hold onto you're sick bags guys and girls, because it's RAPEY TIME.
I know you've been looking forward to this part almost as much as I have.
THERE IS NO GOD
So yes. Sancho deports to Bintys chambers with a gleam in his trousers. And Binty, is of course well up for this, having been yearning to be dominated by a nice strong man and all. But we can't just have a simple scene of nice normal consensual and not creepy intercourse can we now? Not in this series. So how can I describe the events that ensue?
DON'T LOOK AT ME!
Yeah. Like that. She is pinned down on the bed, actually INSTRUCTED NOT TO LOOK AT HIM OR EVEN TOUCH HIM (which to me seems a little tricky during sex), and then he slips his throbbing manhood between her thighs and uses her to jerk off.
That's right. He doesn't fuck her. There is no penetration whatsoever. He doesn't actually show the least concern for her experience whatsoever. He just rubs his cock on her until he's done, and then buggers off for a brood.
Once again ladies and gentleman, this is apparently THE HERO of the piece. A man who's just used the woman he is allegedly meant to be romantically inclined towards like a cheap sex toy. In fact, not even that. A fleshlight gets more than poor Binty does, and least it gets cleaned up after.
And people WONDER why I make this face so much.
Now, to her credit Binty is actually a bit miffed at this treatment, and even manages to work out that she was just employed as a masturbatory aid. However V3 is to be having yet more ISSUES at midnight on the top of dark tower to give a shit. He's totally tortured you guys, thus apparently justifying his actions somehow?!?!?!
I don't even know anymore. It's times like this when you just lose the ability to process whats going on. Especially when you realise how much of the book is left to go. I am not however quite so foolish as to say that it can't get any worse. IT WILL. IT ALWAYS DOES.
Anyway, the next day arrives, though quite how the sun can bring itself to shine on this den of iniquity I simply do not know. Still, there's at least some good news, as apparently K9 himself has been sent to help out piss off Binto. Assuming you don't remember from last time K9 is the original Sanchos secretary. He and Binty don't get along for some reason. He was also the other character from these books that I almost liked, since he normally managed to avoid being in them enough to get crippled with unnecessary sexual tension. Anyway, he's here to take care of the admin, thus providing V3 with some much needed extra brooding time. The slave child has returned with his sisters in tow who are quickly pressed into service as maids. Everybody then proceeds to sulk around until Mr & Mrs Sinister show up for tea.
Don't feel bad if you forgot they were coming. So did everyone else. I guess all that rape does get a little distracting.
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