Or, if you want to know what happened in the book, as opposed to what happened to the poor fool reading it, they invented a new kind of sex crime before tea time. Tea time in this case being a visit from the TOTALLY OBVIOUSLY NOT THE ENEMY YOU GUYS, NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY Mr and Mrs Sinister. Tea in the Sancho household proceeds pretty much as you'd expect. They sit there being sexually tense at each other until someone gives up and leaves, presumably for a quick wank. I suppose it's like a game of psychological chicken. Only with genitals instead of cars. Unfortunately for Mrs Sinister Sancho V3 is far to bust staring at Bintys tits to get seduced by her (although she's obviously been designed to be his type) and Binto is I guess to busy having tits to get seduced by Mr Sinister (even though he's obviously been designed to be her type), so it's the Sinister Siblings who blink first and leave.
This is what passes for character building.
What's really important to bear in mind here is that although Mr Sinister is clearly there purely as some evil ploy to get to Binty, she'd probably be far better off taking that option. I mean, he hasn't even rubbed his cock on her once. I guess the bad guys realized they couldn't ever compete with the heroes for sheer depravity and decided to just give it up and do something else. I guess they worked out that you can't solve your problems by rubbing your dick on them.
BE GRATEFUL
After doing some bonding with the indentured servants (see? it's totally NOT kidnapping) it's time to head off to the Church Bazaar. Truly a tale of supernatural horror. Or, you know, not that. The church bazaar is about as exciting as one might expect, but at this stage I'm willing to take anything that doesn't involve a tedious weight of sexual tension.
Which as a shame really, as true to form Sancho spends the whole time staring at Bintys tits.
The world according to Sancho
Which is a bit of a shame really, as if he'd been paying attention then maybe he'd have noticed the conveniently abusive stepfather coming to conveniently abuse his conveniently kidnapped children. But he doesn't, so it's Mr Sinister who gets to deck him, thus adding another +1 to the "jealousy" subplot meter.
It is at this point that the village is invaded by clowns.
No, really. It was.
A circus just turns up out of nowhere. You know, as they do. Now, consider how difficult it must be just walking from town to town over all the blasted heaths and moors or whatever suitably dramatic terrain it is one finds in these places. Must be pretty tiring, right? Now consider what it must be like doing that walking on your hands whilst playing a flute with your feet in full clown make up. Why is it that sinister circus' ALWAYS enter town in the form of a parade? They never ride in and THEN set up do they? They're always in mid performance. All I'm saying is that it doesn't seem like the most practical way to travel.
Anyway, suddenly the streets are full of clowns and bears and shit, thus giving Sancho V3 and Binty a minute to see if by adding the Jealousy subplot modifier to the sexual tension condition track they can level up the plot to actually getting on with anything constructive for once.
Turns out no as it happens.
Oh, and on the way home from all that insanity they find a dead body. You remember how about sixteen years ago someone was mentioned as missing? Well I guess this is Chekovs corpse.
I said CHEKOV
Shockingly she's dead as fuck, having been slit up a treat by unknown assailants.Then, because this scene was apparently directed by Michael fucking Bay, Conveniently Abusive Stepfathers shack which has been sitting innocently at the back of the shot explodes.
Because farmhouses do that.
However, we can't allow the plot to be derailed by actually being allowed to happen, so let's skip over all that and go the circus instead. And that's not me doing that. This is what actually happens. The whole business is cursorily skipped over and no one can be bothered to note that any of this shit is highly suspicious and should be investigated.
Not when there's a dancing bear to look at.
Turns out the terrible danger of immortality isn't the whole emotional detachment from your surroundings as everyone around you ages and dies leaving you a dead hearted uncaring husk or anything. It's going fucking SENILE. Shit could not be more obviously afoot if I rammed my boot up your arse, but none of these highly trained superpowered investigators of dark deeds and sinister goings on bats a fucking eyelid. Because that might involve interrupting their fixated stares at each others genital areas.
Seriously people, THERE ARE OTHER THINGS IN LIFE.
Anyway, the circus. They go there. The acrobats are creepy, unsmiling, child size old men apparently. This is reassuring, because I was starting to think that there might be something dodgy going on. Anyway, The Sinister Siblings are also in attendance. Which I'm sure is lovely, if you happen to like this whole contrived jealousy subplot bollocks. Which personally I don't, but whatever. So yay, things go just as you might expect, with yet MORE sexual tension and robot snakes.
Wait, what?
There is a stall at the circus that sells robot snakes. ROBOT SNAKES. At the circus. Sold at the merch stand by a band of travelling clowns. IN THE VICTORIAN ERA.
Robot Snakes, How the fuck do they work?
See, Mr Sinister buys Binty a robot snake from the robot snake stand. And it is later on, whilst squabbling over the robot snake like a pair of five year olds that Sancho V3 and Binty finally manage to fuck.
Just like that.
They're rolling around, he gets a flash of minge and then they're boning in all the ghastly "poetic" detail that we've come to expect. Metaphorically I suppose it's like a microwavable kebab. Looks rather unappetising, but at least it only takes a couple of minutes. Notice how the "climactic" sex scenes in these books always leave one with the impression that it takes longer to clean your teeth than to make love?
Ah well. the important thing is that they're totally fucking now, and thus Sancho can at long last reveal his deep dark secret.
See, there was this woman, and she totally died.
May I just say that I totally called that one right there.
To be fair, it a little more complicated. It was his wife, who tired to poison him, then told him she was pregnant and jumped of a cliff just to fuck with his head. And after that he decided to become immortal and suffer forever from the grim bleak ravendark dimnity of sepulchral gloompain supreme tortureguilt graveyard midnight suffering ANGST of it all.
Ignore the cover illustration, THIS is what we're dealing with.
He's not even a proper immortal. He's an EMOmortal. Christ, he even has the whole raven wing tattoo thing on his back. Just as well girls jeans haven't been invented yet, or Binty's wardrobe would be under assault as well as her ass.
Anyway, back from these startling revelations new orders have been received to pack up and head back to London. Oh, and K9 found a hidden stained glass window that makes the mural of destiny glow. Bet you'd forgotten about that. That's fine, so Had Sancho apparently, since he claims not to know anything about it, despite it being stated previously that he'd had the whole edifice built in the first place. ah well, it probably isn't important.
News travels fast it seems, and soon Mr Sinister is throwing a party to try and impress Binty before she fucks off back to London on the end of Sanchos' cocks / enact some evil scheme (delete as applicable). Sancho agrees to go as he figures Mr Sinister is gonna get turned down, what with him boning Binty every night, albeit mercifully offscreen. But Binty is all full of doubt since her powers haven't come back yet, so if he were to ask her to marry him she might say yes because..... Fuck knows. Shits and giggles? This whole line of non reasoning makes no sense to me whatsoever. I mean, I get there are reasons to get married, but just because you were randomly asked doesn't seem like a valid one to me.
Whatever. Let's just get on with it shall we? At the party Sancho once more spends the whole time staring at Bintys tits and not paying attention to anything else, so is a little surprised when the circus turns up. Apparently as the pre booked entertainment and not as evil minions or Juggalo invasion. Mr Sinister whisks Binty off for a bit of a dance, and Sancho is left to wander around avoiding old men trying to bone acrobats. Moving rapidly in the direction of away Sancho encounters a robot snake, and follows it to an encounter with Mrs Sinister and her Sex Incense of mind control.
Oglaf for the win
DUN DUN DUNNN.....
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