Turns out he's been knocking off Helen of Troy.
Now, frankly this almost comes as something of a disappointment. That the mythical Helen should turn up as some bitpart cumdumpster isn't really all that shocking. I mean we've already had Queen Victoria and Bram Stoker, and Bitchy herself is the spawn of Cleopatra and Mark Anthony. So whatever. It's just that the some upshot of this startling revelation is that a guy has been having relations with a lady. I'd ask if we were reduced to playground gossip, but even playgrounds wouldn't consider this all that big of a deal. What IS interesting is how low the face that launched a thousand ships has apparently sunk, chasing after some creepy weirdo who's only willing to screw her at all because she reminds him of someone else when she's got her hair down.
Not quite
Anyway, since she's apparently infatuated with our closet rape case protagonist for no good reason whatsoever that has so far been identified Bitchy is all like "dat helen iz such a bitch i hate her soooo much lol" and that's the end of the conversation as it's at this point that Sancho V3 enters the kitchen to point out that maybe putting random mushrooms you found on the hillside into the stew isn't the worlds greatest idea. I have no doubt that is mainly due to the fact that Rohypnol isn't a mushroom. Still, you gotta wonder about these elite shadow guard types who, whilst being humanities defenders against the forces of nasty don't even know that you shouldn't just pick shit up off the floor and eat it. Something your average 6 your old has grasped.
She's better trained than a whole platoon
After this little diversion into the realms of the after school special, Bitchy is taken to see her snake, who it turns out hasn't quite yet been written out, but is living in a crack in wall somewhere offscreen, possibly holding out for more money. The only reason I mention this at all is that on their way to the plot Bitchy and Sancho walk over an ancient mural depicting both Ravens AND a snake. Foreshadowing, clever misdirection or incidental detail? Only time will tell.
Anyway, as I said some plot happens! Turns out the plot has been sent down the wireless telegraph contraption which for some reason we now have, possibly so the book can get tagged as steampunk. Turns out the CSI: goth drama department has been busy. Firstly it seems that the knife that killed the hooker was different to the one that Bitchy woke up with. This is reassuring news, since it's not like anyone could ever use TWO knives, right?
LOL
Plus corpse mutilation isn't a crime or anything. The second piece of evidence comes from the room in which Bitchys sleeping body was kept masturbated over (delete as appropriate). It seems that she wasn't alone in the room, as there were a number of other mysterious persons there. We know this by all the footprints left in the fine layer of sand that they coated the floor in.
Isn't it reassuring that the bad guys are almost as incompetent as the heroes?
Oh, and finally the dead ranger apparently had all his bones crushed, thus leading me to the inescapable conclusion that someones sexual tension fell on him.
Thus "conclusively" "proven" "innocent" Bitchy heads off to bed. Because that is apparently where she belongs now. On the way Sancho V3 decides to try it on with her, and she of course is totally up for it, what with having contracted a dose of GOTHIC DESTINY™ and soiled undergarments. Unfortunately he seems somewhat put off by her acquiescence, and storms off in huff.
I guess it's just no fun when they're awake. The only thing better than hot naked sexy times is a dramatic and tortured sulk.
Now, I've made it a habit in these recaps to change the names to protect the guilty. Aside from the fact that it allows me to avoid using any of the stereotypically ghastly names given to the character I find it amusing to do so. However I'm going to have to break this habit for one very special case. See, we are no introduced to the just recently moved to the area in a shocking coincidence that I'm sure doesn't relate to the disappearance of that girl that hasn't been mentioned yet but we'll get to soon enough Mrs Thrall.
MRS THRALL.
You couldn't be more obviously the bad guy if you tried with a name like that. I mean forget sounding like the secret identity of a bad marvel comics villain, she sounds like a DC villain.
though to be fair, maybe it IS a marvel villain.
As to whether anyone is going to make a pun about someone being in thrall... Your guess is as good as mine. Point is Mrs Sinister shows up being all like "we should totes be bffs" to bitchy and bearing tidings that some random bint from the village has gone and disappeared. Though luckily she is but a peasant and thus no one feels compelled to go look for her.
later that day Sancho heads out for a sulk, and Bitchy decides to follow and have a bit of a spy. Which is probably a good idea, all things considered. After all, if she's determined to involve herself with this nutter maybe the sight of him skull fucking the fossilised remains of his centuries dead childhood sweetheart will provide her with some much needed context. Sadly all does not go according to plan as she gets pushed off a cliff. Now, despite being PUSHED OFF A CLIFF Bitchy decides that she must have just slipped, or perhaps been caught squarely in the small of the back by a particularly strong and hand shaped gust of wind. After all she's just a girl, and thus cannot trust her own judgement.
I AM YOUR FUTURE
I mean, it's not like all the enemies thus far encountered have unnatural powers or anything, nor indeed that Bitchy has lost all of her own abilities (apparently due to some hormonal issues). So no, when you're standing around and someone clearly pushes you off a cliff it's best to assume that you were simply mistaken. After all it's not like some mysterious stranger will just show up out of the blue.
OH WAIT IT'S JUST LIKE THAT.
Enter Mrs Sinisters' brother, stage cliff. Isn't it CONVENIENT how he's shown up to help right now?
Gods, I bet these people couldn't even SPELL suspicion.
So yeah, he goes to work obviously NOT trying to seduce her or anything, but luckily Sancho V3 shows up just in time to act suspiciously possessive. Did I mention earlier how they'd all told the local vicar they were brother and sister? No? Ah well, I'm sure you'll cope somehow.
Since she's done her foot in Mr NOT sinister (wink wink nudge nudge) gives Bitchy a ride back to the castle.
And I've just now realised that I'm going to have to stop referring to her as Bitchy. Because she just ISN'T anymore, not now that she's found a nice MAN to submit to. She's just another Binto clone. So I guess we'll just have to call her Binty from now on.
Anyway, Binty is shipped back and Mr NOT Sinister tries to steal one of her shoes. Still, better a foot fetishist than whatever the hell it is that Sancho V3 is into. After yet another bout of sexual tension before bedtime Binty is put to sleep and Sancho heads off for a brood. Which appears to be his default reaction to everything. Seriously, I bet every time his D&D character goes up a level he goes and stands on a storm wracked midnight clifftop to darkly brood what feats he should take.
Anyway, are you ready for the tangles workings of this guys mind? See, it turns out that it wasn't that the reason he was knocking off Helen of Troy was that she reminded him of Binty. No, she reminds him of his OLD girlfriend. It's just that it's Binty who he thinks about when he's fucking. Who he ALWAYS thinks about when he's fucking. Ever since that one time hundreds of years ago when he saw her across a BATTLEFIELD. Just try to get your head around this: here we have a guy who can only get of by screwing girls who look like his ex whilst thinking about a woman he saw one time ages ago but had never actually met.
I'll be the first to admit that I suffer from a number of complicated and painful emotional issues, but seriously guy? SERIOUSLY?
And if all that wasn't quite Jerry Springer enough for you, allow me to add a direct quote from the book
"...his dreams had always been claimed by a Saxon beauty with blond hair - the jealous, possessive ghost of his past. The one who still demanded his complete and unwavering fidelity."
Complete and unwavering fidelity. Aside from all those times you were off screwing other chicks whilst thinking about someone else. Sir, you wouldn't know fidelity if it murdered your parents right in front of you when you were a child.
Now, whether the ex turns out to be a literal ghost remains to be seen, but it would explain all that Harry Potter exposition a few chapters back.
The dark musing are however interrupted by a cry of alarm from Bintys' room. She is adamant that she was disturbed by some hideous THING in the bed with her. Some, pale, worm like thing. That smelt of graves....
Well, Sancho is denying everything, but draw your own conclusions.
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