Pornguard Section Five: Turn To The Cock Side

With out hero missing, presumed raped, the exposition has been coming thick and fast for our increasingly bloated heroine. What's been refreshing is that it hasn't felt particularly forced so far either.

Make your own damn joke about being forced to come thick and fast, I haven't the energy right now.

But all good things must come to an end.  The main problem is that I'd really been hoping he'd just show up to save the day or something, she'd ask how he escaped from all those guards and he'd simply reply:

"With my cock"

And then the next 3 chapters would just him staring at her.

Although to be fair that wouldn't be all that different from normal.

Pornguard Fourth Installment: Womb Service

You may recall how we ended the last instalment with our intrepid hero butt naked in a magical love cave surrounded by a crack squad of burly soldiers with unsheathed weapons. A better set up I could not ask for.  In a situation like this the comedy writes itself, thus freeing up my mind and other hand to concentrate on the more interesting aspects of the situation.

So imagine my disappointment when the entirety of the next three chapters focussed solely on Binto and her wonderful holiday at the castle of ultimate evil.

GODDAMNIT

Pornguard Chapter 3: Feeling A Little Horse (Cock)

It is an unfortunate but seemingly constant truth in the realms of "romantic" fiction that the characters invariably cannot make up their minds what it is exactly they want to do with their various genitals.

This is, I suppose something similar to way the heroes would be captured, escape, and then immediately be recaptured in so much 1960's Dr Who. After all, if they just got straight to the point the whole thing would be over in about 5 pages. Only with more cocks.

So, basically like this.

Pornguard Episode 2: Smells Like Teen Spirit. Also Cocks.

When we left of last time our intrepid hero had infiltrated his way into a young womans home with nebulous threats and a throbbing erection. Anyone else wondering how that's gonna turn out?

Pornguard Part The First: Got Wood?

I'm going to be honest with you up front. I really have no idea how this particular series is going to turn out. Partly this is because the limited portion of the book I've read so far actually has the makings of a pretty decent fantasy tale. But mostly it's because going by the first chapter the hero might actually be secretly gay.

What do you suppose he's DOING in there?

The Shape Of Things To Come (Is Phallic)

It's been on my mind for a while now that I need some sort of project to encourage me to spend a bit more time away from the demon video games and actually generate some posts for this blog. I have, after all, been somewhat lax in my updating schedule over the past year. So thinking back over the sort of things I'd done in the past to what I'd had the most enjoyment out of and best reaction too, I quickly found myself coming to a rather unfortunate conclusion. Luckily for me though it's not like that particular series of books seems to be continuing. This is a blessing for both literature and sanity to be sure, but also for common decency. The truth is after recapping all three turgid volumes of the Shadow Guard trilogy I was starting to feel like I was picking on the author.

In my mind she looks like this. Only without the same literary talent.

And Yeti It Moves

Old school. That's the first thing that comes to mind after watching the latest Doctor Who Christmas special. Whilst undoubtedly a modern style episode, it is also one that is replete with old school flourishes. Almost redolent with tributes to the programs long and storied past. And yet never in an awkward, self indulgent way. No terrifying mess of 60's continuity problems dressed up like a script. Indeed, even with frozen motif this is about as far away from Attack Of The Cybermen as it's possible to get.

And let's be honest, that's hardly a bad place to be.

WHY MUST I BE?!?!?

2012: The Year That Didn't End

As I sit here, at the very end of the month of December in the year of someone's lord two thousand and twelve I cannot help but notice that the world did in fact NOT come to a terrifying cataclysmic halt. At least as far as I can tell. I mean, obviously there are bits that I can't see from here, but I'm fairly sure that if any of them had been destroyed someone would have mentioned it on twitter or something.

Thus I am faced with with the grim prospect of another year and the inevitable tedium it will bring. But first, let's review the inevitable tedium of the year gone by, as is our custom. As ever the criteria for inclusion is simply stuff that I got, did, played, watched, listened to or otherwise experienced in the past year. Whether or not it was actually released, or indeed bears the slightest relevance to that time period at all, is up to the whims of fate.

An Interuption

So, it's been a while since I've managed to write anything here. One could almost say I've been on hiatus. except of course that a Doctor Who fan can never use that word without an involuntary shiver of dread. Not to mention the fact that I have, sadly, not been recast as Sylvester McCoy.

So, you know... Sorry about that.

The fact of the matter is simply that I am a man with certain... Issues. And these issues have been, by and large, getting the better of me lately. So in order to get myself writing again, and maybe have a go at working out some shit in my head, let's have a talk about Video Game Addiction.