Like A Great Dark Thing Part 5: Magic Pants

Do you remember where we left off last time?


Binteena was all like "I don't like you anymore!!" and Junior was all like "raperaperape?"

HELLO!

Yeah, there's no easy way around this. There's not really much I can say in terms of witty or insightful introductions. You KNOW what this chapters about. You KNOW what's going to happen. The whole book has building up to the inevitable crotch union of these to characters, as it was written in accordance with the prophecy. However it has to be said that I was expecting something a little more.... Consensual.

Just keep looking at the bunny

Of course, you have to bear in mind the dual use of the word rape. In the real world it of course means one of the worst things ever. However we're not in the real world anymore, are we? I'd always been under the impression that the fantasy rape scenario as presented in all that hentai (which I've definately never watched, not even once) where all women secretly WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING even they can't quite admit it to themselves was a very man type thing. It's always seemed like a pure male power fantasy scenario.

Only, this is a chicks book. Written by, so we are told, a woman. And we have EXACTLY that particular scenario acted out here.

Give or take one or two minor details

She's all like " NO, NO, NO, oh go on then." And then they fuck. Briefly.

Perhaps not quite as briefly as Sancho's embarassing performance in the last book, but pretty close. I'll give him, say... 10 minutes tops. However it is kind of refreshing after all the lumpen euphemisms and tedious frottage to finally see the word penis used. This is perhaps a breakthrough point for the author. maybe now they'll stop skirting around the issue for years at a time and actually get to the point. The point in this case being the one in Juniors pants.

The contents of Binteenas pants are another matter entirely. You see, she has secretly copied one of the ancient scrolls of plot device onto her drawers.

Yeah, there it is again

Wait, what? When? WHY for gods sake? Seriously, why would you do that? She had absolutely no reason to desire a copy of those scrolls until this point. Certainly not to the extent that she would secretely copy them onto her unmentionables. Seriously, after the raping is done with and we're back to conversation/exposition mode she even details what happened that fateful prologue when her father left her up a mountain in tibet to die alone for her own protection. At no point did she mention running out of paper.

This does also rather beg the question that, if these scrolls are so valuable, why did no one make a proper copy? Written on something other than underpants I mean?

You know what, screw it. Whatever. I'm bringing logic to a crazy fight here. There's no way I'm gonna win.

Anyway, it seems this is the instructions for the mirror from the the lighthouse of Alexandria. Which can shoot lasers and cast cure I guess? Honestly, I have no fucking clue whats going on. Magic mirrors fair enough, but magic LIGHTHOUSE mirrors? I thought we were trying to cure the crazy and evil™, not bring down a Rutan battle cruiser.

Because that's what lighthouses DO

Anyway, with all the exposition out of the way it's back to the bedroom. Because if there's one thing we've learnt from Rapelay it's that once you've given them a good raping they are FUCKING HORNY ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Because that's how rape works. Apparently.

Anyway, after all that whats the next logical step in our investigation? Why let's go find Binteenas ex boyfriend and punch him in the face until clues fall out!!

No, really. Thats what they do.

See, she'd fucked some guy whilst out on the expedition, and now he's back in London. So, since he went along with the whole "leaving you to die up a mountain" plan, presumably he may have some inkling as to daddykins current whereabouts. He doesn't, but thats not the point. Junior didn't get to punch his way through a hymen, so someones face will just have to make up for it. Beacuase he's JEALOUS, see? Because he really loves her. That's WHY he had to rape her up. It all makes sense now doesn't it?

No. Not really. Still, never mind eh?

We do get one clue. See the Proffessor has probably run out of money. So what do you do when you find stranded in a far away land with no cash? Why you go home of course. Because it's not like theres any expense involved in international travel. Anyway, there is allegedly some possibility however remote that he is now conveniently also in london. Who'd have thought such a thing possible?

Now I'm really dissapointed that Junior didn't manage to sail of to the back of beyond looking for him. TYhat would've been hilarious.

Anyway, Binteena heads of to the black market to look up one of her underworld contacts. Yeah she has those. I guess she got a few extra character points to spend after taking the "used woman" drawback. Anyway, Proffessor McCrazy is indeed alive and well and dealing in stolen antiquities. So yay. All that remains is to draw him out. Now what might catch his attention? Perhaps some more RAPING?

No. In contradiction to the laws of porn Binteena is now refusing to participate. I guess Junior tripped the wrong flag somewhere. maybe he should just reload from his last save point. You DID save before the bedroom scene, right?

Not any more

Guess not. Now your stuck with it. She doesn't want anymore perverted monkey sex as then she might actually love him, as oppossed to just his cock.

See, this is why there's things like war.

Or maybe she's just trying to rape his mind like he raped her butt. I dunno. Isn't emotional blackmail fun? It's like she goes from being TOTALLY up for it to hating his guts at least 3 times every. Single. Chapter. Just make your fucking mind up and let us get on with it. Actually, wait, I've got it. The sex quota for this book has been used up, and now we need a flimsy excuse to stop it happening again.

At this stage I'm not really sure anymore what the book is saying about men or women, but I don't think it's very positive. Perhaps "every single bad thing you've ever heard about any gender is true, especially women".

This seems like an oppurtune moment to end this session, since I'm sure everyone would rather slip of and kill themselves right now. I know I would.

I write like
James Joyce

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Another M

As we all know Metroid Other M is coming out before to long, and of course we're all interested to find out what exactly that other M could be.

Masturbation? Mammoth Mammeries?

But today I'd like to talk about a couple of different Ms. I'd like to talk about the music of Metroid. More specifcally I'd like to talk about metal metroid music.

Metroid Metal? I hear you cry? How does that work?

Fucking briliantly is the answer. Whilst stumbling for Metoid stuff a week or two back I came across the page for Metroid Metal. This is the project of a guy who plays metal covers of tunes from the various Metroid soundtracks. If the prospect of old NES chiptunes working as metal compositions seems rather unlikely then you've obviously never seen THIS.

However the Metroid Metal project does not confine itself soley to the old school, as it samples tracks from across the full spectrum of games. From the original all the way up to the Prime trilogy. And it REALLY works. The translation into this new style really adds a new dimension to the compositions. There is clearly some awesome talent on display here.

But you don't even have to take my word for it. Here's their myspace. Listen to a few tracks. Now head on over to their website. See how they've got TWENTY SIX tracks available for download? I mean, seriously, that is a whole heap of awesome put for free. However it gets better. Whilst the project is apparently the work of one guy there is a full band for playing live.

That's right. Metal versions of the Metroid soundtrack PLAYED LIVE. I cannot stress the level of rage I feel at the prospect that I will never see this happen. However the point remains valid. It is done.

And with the full live band there is a CD recorded and available for purchase. Indeed, the only reason I waited so long to write about this was because I was waiting for the CD to come through. The album does, naturally, feature tracks which are available for download. However these are recorded with the benifit of a full band. Whilst I haven't done an in depth track by track comparision and analysis I will say that these arrangements do seem a bit beefier and well worth having. And do you know what the best part is?

They called the album Varia Suite.

How cool is that?

Like A Great Dark Thing Part 4: The Rapening

So then, last time if you recall we had a marriage proposal, and impending autopsy and a very important fish pond. Where do we go from here?

Strangely appropriate somehow...

Well, it turns out we go to the autopsy. Pausing only briefly to buy the entire street where the fish pond is located. THE WHOLE STREET. For a pond. Remember this, it will become important later.

Thence to the department of pickled whore scrapings. Which is basically all they've got. Just a few bits in jars. However luckily some of the bits were wrapped up in scraps of clothing, and can thus confirm that the bits definitely all come from that suicidal whore we bumped into a while back.

What? It's not like other people could could have been wearing similar clothes. The label in her underpants said so. Well, it didn't, but she probably bought the clothes second hand. We know this because a: the dark intuition of darkness tells us so and b: did you really expect anything else? Naturally of course at the show e bump into Bitchy again. If you'll remember she's investigating this whole chopped up bodies case. It's funny when you think about, so far she's actually done worse at this than Junior did when he was meant to be catching Jack, thus causing the whole of the first book (thanks so much for that by the way). But does she get replaced? No. She just gets to potter around doing..... whatever the hell it is she's doing. I suspect it's something along the lines of trying to avoid being in the book as much as possible.

Anyway, Junior brings news! Surely this will help her investigation?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOt exactly.

No. Already know all that. Yeah, I know who the killer is, and her minions. We've met. Hell, we go bowling together.

EXCUSE ME?!?!

So, after spending all this buggering around it turns out you know full well who's doing all the killing? And you've even MET THEM SEVERAL TIMES??? Did it not perhaps occur to you on one of those occasions to, say, DO YOUR FUCKING JOB AND SLOT THE BITCH??!?!!!! If you'd just done that to start with you wouldn't have to worry about hiding from the plot. There would be no plot. We could have skipped this whole book and gone home. I could be of playing Guild Wars or masturbating or something.

Maybe both

But no. You know what Bitchy? FUCK YOU. I don't like you anymore. Go hang with your suddenly and entirely randomly introduced for no discernible reason ancient cult of mystical elite space vampires who so incredibly hardcore that they are currently achieving NOTHING USEFUL AT ALL. Seriously, I have no idea where they came from, but they can fucking well go back there.

Moving on, it's suddenly the wedding day. It may or may not be literally 5 minutes later, I'm not actually sure. It may as well be for all the time taken over the arrangements. Seriously, does nobody else think that getting married like, next week, is a bad idea?

Well, all the other females do, however that's only because they're jealous. Really. Aunty dearest even tells Binteena, literally 2 minutes before the ceremony, that Junior is only marrying Binteena because he's punishing Aunty for marrying  Lord Something Or Other and.......

I get it. All women are evil. Like, supervillain evil. They enact ridiculously convoluted schemes of vengeance against each other for even the slightest thing. They view emotions as weapons and feed on the suffering of broken hearted men. But seriously? You are not fooling anyone but yourself here deary. There is one, and only one reason Junior is marrying Binteena. A nice simple reason, that no woman, with their labyrinthine masterplans of emotional blackmail, could ever hope to understand.

He just wants to fuck her.

That's it. A scheme such as your proposing is completely outside the scope of the male psyche. We are simply genetically incapable of considering anything other than putting our penises in things and jiggling them around. That's it. That's as far as it goes. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE.

Here's a tip girls: if a man exists he wants to have sex with you. Never mind the talking to or looking at part.

However, Binteena has a special defensive technique to assist her. It's called "thinking about cock". And so with a metaphorical finger the wedding takes place. Well, we assume it does. We don't actually see it happen, but who are we to question these things?

It's only now that I begin to appreciate just why Junior was so compelled to rush this wedding through so quickly. It's nothing to do with his pressing need to find the scrolls of plot device (in her vagina) or even the pressing need IN HIS PANTS wink wink nudge nudge say no more. He just knew that there would be all kinds of wacky hijinks in the lead up to the big day. I'm actually almost disappointed to be spared this, it would have been hilarious watching everyone trying to put her off, and her having not one single valid defence. Well, outside of the whole hot throbbing meat lust thing.

Sadly that's all academic now. The deed is done, and all that remains is to do the deed. So let us depart for international waters, and don't forget to pack the goat. Sadly, before whatever perversions it is that require NO WITNESSES can carried out Junior collapses in a pile of crazy and evil™ and then the boat explodes.

And they all died happily ever after

Sounds lovely doesn't it? Sadly that's a slight overstatement. See, it's not so much a berzerker frenzy as a bit of a migraine. And it's not so much a mighty conflagration leaving no survivors as the engine packs in. Goddamn it.

So it's back to the estate of Lord Something Or Other, because apparently Binteena isn't QUITE finished leaching off her relatives yet. Maybe she remembered something that wasn't screwed down. That or she found a screwdriver on the boat. So maybe it was her who sabotaged the engine?

Anyway, let us take a moment to assess the situation. Juniors "plan" was to marry Binteena, and then run away. He would sail of into the sunset in order to escape the mental influence of the Dark Dark Bride Of Dark Dark Darkness, whilst simultaneously brutalising the more tender orifii of his young bride and pursuing the scrolls of plot device. But now with his boat blowed up he's trapped in London, OH NOES!!!

This being the man who, a matter of days ago bought an entire street simply because there was a particularly bitching pond there. Here's a suggestion; BUY ANOTHER BOAT, DUMBASS.

Anyway, back at the ranch Junior decides to overcome his headache enough to have a crack at boning his new trophy wife. Unfortunately the book still has a lot of pages left, so you just know this is not about to end well. Sure enough, Binteena retreats to slip into something more comfortable, seemingly unswayed by the argument that "not only will I rip your fancy undies to shreds, I will irrevocably soil them with every bodily secretion known to man, now get your ass to bed" which Junior is implying.

So she exits stage right. Junior lies back, closes his eyes, and then feels a certain degree of.... activity going on downstairs. And then Binteena comes back in to find Aunty perched atop the relevancies. And even better, she's turned Renfield!!

Feels so good on my.... Wait, what?

So then she scuttles up the wall, out the window and flees off into the night. Then her head falls off, but more on that later. You see in the ensuing battle (read minor scuffle) Juniors dark immortal nature is revealed!! Personally I don't find this half as scary as all the tortured prose I've skipped over to get this far (all that turgid groping), but some people have their own problems to deal with. Such as a glowing eyed Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator looming over you.

Lou Ferrigno would be to obvious right now

See, apparently he gets bigger and musclier as well as having scary eyes. So Binteena, in possibly the only intelligent deduction she's made thus far immediately infers that Junior is an Immortal and only interested in her Scrolls. Okay, I admit that's stretching credulity a bit, but whatever. I'm currently laughing manically as her whole world collapses.

You married a complete asshole stranger without a second thought. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? I warned you didn't I? I, and indeed anyone with the merest hint of sanity, told you this was a bad idea. But no. All you could think of was sweaty pulsating organs throbbing away. I admit that not many people could have predicted this particular scenario:

Coming next on Oprah...

But really, you've no one to blame but yourself. You made your bed, now get raped in it.

Or not, as the case may be. You may place your own bets as to the remaining page count necessary for the sexing to actually occur, but sadly it still seems rather high. So rather than the monkey sex she craves (only now secretly again) she get exposition. FINALLY. All along I've said that talking to the girl was probably a better idea than shagging the information out of her, and it appear I'm proved right. Despite the fact that she (at least from the neck up) now sort of hates him (except from the waist down) she actually manages to reveal the crucial information which, believe it or not, we have been building up to. The key to the mystery of Macguffins Plus One Scrolls Of Plot Device. The piece of data this whole farcical sequence of events has been enacted in pursuit of. The location Of Professor McCrazy himself.

She doesn't know.

Thank you and goodnight

Well, that was worth it. Plan B anybody? Hell, at this point I'd take Plan 9.

Sadly we are diverted from the sight of Junior beating his head repeatedly against the wall until all that is left is a bloody pulp as the body of Aunties dead deceased corpse washes up in the garden fountain. You know how I said her head fell off? Well that's what the police actually think.

It's no wonder they have to call in the idiots from beyond the veil every time there's a murder. I mean, seriously.

Anyway the (ex) happy couple lie their through a police interview and then depart for a hotel. After all, the abandoned, dilapidated and totally wrecked ruin with fish pond won't be ready for a couple of days. See, this is what you can do when you're not hampered by ridiculous health and safety rules or the slightest grasp of reality. Anyway, we have now advanced to the tense and acrimonious stage of the marriage. In the normal course of events this is the build up to a messy divorce, but I have a nasty feeling it is instead a clumsy prelude to a messy make up fuck. Their both in a total mood, and she's all like "I want separate rooms". But he's all like "you gonna get RAPED" and then the chapter ends. So I guess we'll just have to wait and see how that turns out.

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

All Women Are Whores

In the interests of public service I now present a brief discussion of man-logic. It is fairly common for some men to regard a woman who will not have sex with him as a whore. On the surface the seems somewhat counter inuitive, since by definition a whore will have sex with just about anybody. That is, after all, what whores are for.

As far as I can tell the logic works something like this:

Woman (X) is NOT having se with man (Y)
ergo
X IS having sex with someone else
ergo
X is having sex with ANYONE else
ergo
X is having sex with EVERYONE else
ergo
Y is SPECIAL not LONELY

It's part of a mental u-turn in which a guy attempts to convince himself he doesn't even want to consumate his latest failed attempt at mating rather then just admit that noone will ever love him.

The greater mystery however is why exactly I'm thinking this first thing in the morning. Seriously, I haven't even finished the first cup of tea yet. If anyone knows somewhere to get replacement brains at reasonable prices then please let me know.

Rubber Johnny

Films starring the worlds most charasmatic man, part two: Johnny Mnemonic.

Like most films in this series of post cinematic musings it's been years since I've seen this. Unlike most of them this is one I only ever watched once. Not that I recall hating it or anything, I just guess I was never motivated enough to track it down on video.

Until now that is.

I suppose the only way to describe this film is "variable". It's not actually bad, but there are more than a few things holding it back. So let's start with the obvious issue and address casting first. The supporting cast is actually pretty suprising. I mean Udo Kier, Henery Rollins, Dolph Lundgren and motherfucking Beat Takeshi? All in one film together? That's unquestionably epic right there. I mean, yeah there's a rapper, but still. Admitedly most of them are just doing more or less wat they always do, but you've got to admit that they're all so very good at it. And really, Dolph Lungrens Preacher is just so delightfully batshit. It's a real shame he didn't get more to do. And then we have the leads. Who, and let's be honest, lack a certain something. The bame doesn't lie entirely with poor Keanu though. Let's just say that it's a good thing the female lead character was changed from being Molly, as they really wouldn't have been able to sell that here. There's just a bit of a lack of chemistry going on. But they try, bless them.

Visually the film really works quite well at evoking the world of old school cyberpunk novels. Particularly the matrix sequences. That fancy mid ninties CGI look really works quite well in this context, and it does actually look like whats described n Gibsons novels. Plus you gotta love all that goggles and gloves buisness. Gotta give the boy points for actually making that look believable.

Then we come to the plot. Now, the film is generally well written to be sure, and suprisingly entertaining throughout. When you consider the original short story it's based on you can see how things might need beefing up a little to properly fill a full movie. But there is a sense of trying to squeeze a little too much of Gibsons other work in. It's cool to have references in there of course, but the whole buisness with the A.I. comes off as being a little too extraneous. More thrown in for the sake of it rather than actually adding to the plot. The whole mysterious plague thing works as far as it goes, but then we reach the third act and find that secret of the data is "big pharma is evil and out to kill us all" it does rather fall down. I understand full well the whole big inhuman corporation element of cyberpunk, but at the end of the day even the most faceless evilist organisation is motivated by one thing: Profit. So, we are told that a company develops a cure for the disease of the moment and then sits on the data for 8 months. How exactly is this supposed to make them money? I mean that's 8 months of selling very expensive drugs that they've missed out on. Hell, even the P.R. for simply coming up with the cure is going to be worth millions. But no. This data is known to absolutely no one. Which rather suggests they haven't even patented it. What if a competitor came up with cure in the meantime? That's untold billions in research down the drain right there.

Conspiracy theorists take note: The spending power of the recently deceased is significantly less than that of living.

The there's the rather empty "fight the power" rhetoric of the Lo-Teks. And just typing that sentence sickens me in a way the anything associated with William Gibson has no right to. Really, they lack depth in the same way an inflatable paddling pool does. They're just being generic rebels, and we just don't get any sense of what they're supposed to rebelling against. Though to be fair a nuanced dissection of the social issues in a corporate dominated society are perhaps a little outside the scope of this film.

Of course hinsight is always 20 20. It's entirely possible there were some elements that simply didn't come through in the fianl edit that may have helped with these issues. Not that we'll ever know, since there's no extras on the disc at all. This isn't just a pity, it's an insult. There's really no excuse for this sort of bare bones cheapy release. Every film, no matter what, deserves some sort of extra content. Even the less than great ones such as this.

Still, never mind eh?

In summation then this is a suprisingly fun, if flawed piece of work. Really it walks such a thin line between success and failure that there's no sure way to reccomend it to any audience, casual viewers or hardcore cyberpunk fans. It'll really be down to the individual as to which side of the fence they fall once the credits roll. There's a lot to enjoy, but equally theres a lot of nigles as well.

And as for me? I'm balanced rather precariously, and can only hope that if the wind blows and I fall in either direction I don't end up crushing my balls.

Like A Great Dark Thing Part 3: Sturm Und Drain

Right, so. Where were we? The plot?

Oh yeah, the plot was almost happening. Mysterious flowers were showing mysteriously in place where one would not normally expect such things, AMNESIA!!! was still happening, and certain characters were in need of clean underwear.

So where do we go from there? To a garden party of course! This is faux romantic faux Victorian times after all. It's what you DO in those situations. Characters trapped in these sort of narratives have garden parties the way normal breathe. You kind of have to wonder how it is they get so rich. All they do is go to balls and parties and galas and shit. Or maybe a whole chapter of 19th century banking regulations just isn't crotch tremblingly romantic enough.

Though no doubt there's someone who likes that type of thing.

So yeah, Darth Junior heads of to YET ANOTHER garden party. And of course because he's SO HANDSOME everyone goes for him. Everyone of course except the one person he's there to actually rape see. At least until later when she's, you know, lubricating in the glory of his manly presence.

Can I just ask, do women REALLY go from "I'm really not sure about this guy" to "bring me a change of underwear and a mop" THAT quickly? THAT frequently? And with complete asshole strangers? I mean, I'm a guy and thus genetically programed to fuck anything that doesn't move and chase anything that does, and I really don't know that even I'd go for this sort of behaviour after meeting someone, what? 3 times?

And I'm desperate.

But no, it's all melting and aching in pretty short order.

 See, this is melting. What you're doing is different.

At least until they're interrupted by sex grunts from the bushes. I mean, it IS a party after all. Of course that doesn't really help the situation, but luckily god is on our side, and he sends a mighty storm to preserve Binteenas precious virginity. At least for a few more chapters. However THIS IS NO ORDINARY STORM, and apparently it aggravates Juniors crazy and evil™, so he legs it rather than attempting to consummate his detective work in a secluded, if damp, location.

Just as well, wouldn't want to catch anything. Well, anything else. God only ones whats crawling around in his crotch. A thousand years of straight pimping is going to leave a mark if you know what I mean. And I mean syphilis.

Fleeing from the voices in his head (coward) for the relative safety of his throat wobbler mangrove our hero is accosted by a travelling band of Renfield wannabes. And by "accosted" I mean "he throws them off a building but they're fine because they're crazy or something? I guess?". Anyway, despite the fact that Renfield³ should be suffering from a chronic case of broken legs syndrome they caper around in their lovably crazy fashion and escort Junior off to see..... The Dark Bride (of darkness)!!! Luckily they have a dark coach (of darkness) because despite the brave face their putting on I really don't think they're up to the walk.

So the Dark Dark Renfields take the Dark Dark Coach to the Dark Dark Reservoir. And there we meet the Dark Dark Bride, and not some skeletons. Not a big skeleton, not a little skeleton, not even a dog skeleton.

The true face of fear

So here at last we meet the Dark Dark Bride Of Darkness. A powerful nasty type whose hobbies include chopping up people and throwing the bits in the river and being the voice in your head that tells you kill stuff.

Oh, and she LIKES being ordered about apparently. Call me old fashioned, but that's not really a quality I look for in malevolent mass murdering masterminds. I'd say it's time for a lengthy monologue of plot exposition, but really, what do we learn? Aside from the part about her somehow being a voice in juniors head, we don't get anything here. The Renfields are your minions? REALLY? I'd never had guessed. What's that you say, you're a bad person? Well fuck me, that's news. Hold the front page.

The only other nugget we get here really is that she, like EVERY OTHER WOMAN IN THE BOOK SO FAR, clearly fancies Junior. Only he's not evil enough yet, so she fucks off.

Yeah. Just like that. You'd think that being confronted with an evil mastermind type out hero would take some sort of action. For example ANYTHING. I mean, he allegedly sold his soul in return for the power to take down the most nastiest nasty in the history of nastiness. So does he try any of that here? Like maybe that whole paralyzing the bad guy using only your mind routine from the "climactic" battle of the previous book?

No. Of course not. He instead goes swimming in pursuit of a balloon full of ginger beer, which if I'm honest does sound like a more productive use of his time.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.... Binteena is having a restless night. I'm not sure why, she's had plenty of time to attend to herself, mop up afterwards and get the rubber pants. Maybe it's the dairy products in her bedclothes again. Anyway, she goes for a wander into some mysterious mist that's just hanging around inside the house. You know, as it does.

This looks safe...

After briefly venturing into an impenetrable bank of suspicious vapour she suddenly realizes that maybe this is not such a good idea. Most people could have suggested this before nearly getting lost in it, but hey, whatever. She's adventurous, remember? Anyway, she successfully makes it back to her room only to find that someone has ripped up all the papers that were locked safely in her bag! Because she left the key behind or something!

You know, the bag that they had previously put a mysterious flower in without needing a key to access. The bag that is, at the end of the day, A BAG, and not really quite on the same level of security that's actually scissors proof.

Not that I suppose evil burglars carry scissors. I mean, what if they had to run away?

Anyway, time waits for no man, and the light dawns upon yet another day. No doubt somebody somewhere is arranging a garden party as we speak. But, after an encounter with his officially appointed nemesis, where would we find our intrepid hero?

Why, proposing marriage of course.

That's right, you heard me. The ultimate gigolo of darkness has decided to settle down. After a courting period of..... Let's be generous and say 2, maybe 3 HOURS. Funeral, picnic, garden party, marriage. makes perfect sense. I know that there's meant to be this whole thing of women wanting to tame a bad boy, but this is really pushing it. Shouldn't they at least put SOME effort in? Or is the fantasy really to change a man by simply existing somewhere nearby?

Well, whatever. despite actually pointing out that they barely know each other, Binteena naturally agrees, and there is much rejoicing. Apart from, of course, EVERY OTHER FEMALE CHARACTER IN THE BOOK, who receive the news with stony faced disbelief and thinly veiled contempt. I can feel the Cinderella engines revving even as we speak.

So, Junior plans to get married within a few days and then bugger off on his boat while buggering his bride in pursuit of the mystic scrolls of plot device. The secret of which Binteena will no doubt reveal once confronted with the phallus of truth. But it's okay because he really does love her, and there is no way that this ludicrously rushed courtship could end in acrimonious and bitter divorce. I mean, on all past experience that hardly seems likely does it?

I hate to point it out, but this is why they invented sex before marriage.

Anyway, after becoming engaged to woman he met maybe a week ago (it might be a bit longer, there is all that AMNESIA!!! to take into account) Junior then immediately fucks off about his business. After all, special arrangements for the shotgun wedding must be carried out with all haste. Anything rather than spend any more time in the presence of the woman you are now actually marrying. On the way out of the door as fast as he can possibly go he's picked up by K9, who brings news. Firstly there's going to be an autopsy for the various bits of hooker that have washing up lately. So not so much an autopsy as a human flesh lego session. Secondly he really thinks you should buy a house.

Why? Well... Because it has a pond?

Will any of this become relevant? Will Binteena realise what an obviously terrible mistake she's making? Will the wicked stepmother sell her off for dog meat in a fit of jealous rage? Will anyone actually care?

Find out the answers to these and other thrilling questions.... Sometime. Maybe. It might even be next installment, though I wouldn't hold your breath.

I write like
Vladimir Nabokov

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Like A Great Dark Thing Part 2: I Can't Believe It's Not Buttsex

At the close of our previous installment we left our intrepid hero stumbling out of a flea ridden drinking pit, confused by a sudden flash of X-ray vision.

Is that supposed to go there?

Emerging into the night (which I'm sure is so still, having no doubt fallen darkly) he sees a suicidal whore. Which is kind of funny when you think about it. In these books there's basically two types of female characters; Whores, and Whores Who Need A Punch In The Face. Perhaps she's realized this and is trying to get out. In order to prove to the voices in his head that he's actually quite nice once you get know him, junior stops the poor girl jumping, thus condemning her to life a dismal whorenitude in a badly written series. So, you  know, enjoy. I admit he does give her his wallet, which probably seems like a great idea to anyone who'd not familiar with words like "pimp-slap".

Then he amnesias of for the next three days. So I guessed that plan worked out then.

In the meantime, would like to quote directly from the text so that you can all join me in my suffering.

"She collapsed back onto smooth sheets, buttery and delicious against her skin."

May I just say....

Not just buttery, but buttery and delicious? Has anyone, in the entire history of tortured metaphors EVER described their bedding as buttery and delicious? And meant it as a good thing? I mean, that would be like sleeping in a sandwich. It just doesn't sound pleasant AT ALL. Mashed potato can be buttery and delicious. Bedding..... No. Just no. A bed full of curdled dairy produce does not sound remotely appealing thank you. Should you ever find your sheets buttery I suggest you CHANGE THEM. Quickly, before they achieve sentience and destroy us all. Do not at any point attempt to taste them. It will not end well.

There's probably something else that happened in there, but I really can't get a grip on it. Possibly since it's so buttery. Let us then ignore our alleged heroines questionable standards of personal hygiene, and return Darth Junior, who despite all his faults is at least not coated in dairy produce. Yet. The rohypnol should have worn of by now anyway.

It's a pity really, but I'm gonna have to come up with a sarcastic name for the secretary dude. I'm disappointed by this necessity, simply because he's one of the few characters in this series that I actually like. Perhaps he just comes off better than the others by simply avoiding being in it as much as possible. But it seems like he's gonna be in this one a bit more, so I've got to call him something. I think I'll call him K9, due to both his actual name and his function in life as the metaphorical tin dog.

Plot operating at below 0 utility. Suggest evasive action.

Anyway, Darth Junior is once more awakened at sea by K9. I was only joking about the rohypnal before, but now I'm starting to wonder. You're not feeling.... sore anywhere are you? So, blah, blah AMNESIA!!! Etc.

Meanwhile, behind the facade of this innocent looking bookstore, Binteena gets mugged by a mime with a hair fetish.

You heard me.

Meanwhile, back at the boat K9 is fully supportive of the whole raping the information out of her plan. Seriously, he's well up for it as the most sensible course of action. Because apparently women will do anything if you fuck them right. The most confusing thing here of course is that this whole thing is apparently written by a woman. I don't particularly consider myself as a feminist or anything, but seriously? Is this really how it's supposed to work? Who knows? Not me, that's for sure. Guess we'll just have to wait and see, but watch out. He's starting to develop.... feelings. Must be a side effect of the whole crazy and evil™ thing. Bear in mind that there are more words in this one post than have been currently exchanged between these two, and indeed it'll probably take you longer to read this than they've spent in each others company.

I find the whole concept of human mating to be deeply confusing.

Anyway, since Junior is just SO handsome and alluring and etc and everybody loves him he gets thinly veiled fanmail from every single named female character to thus far appear in this story (with the exception of his own sister and the one he's actually stalking) and thus has a pretty good idea of where to go in order to prepare for the rapeterogation. A picnic!

Well, it's some sort of high society outdoorsy type thing. And so the seduction begins. Yay. To be honest, it's not QUITE as bad as I thought it may be. I mean yes, there is the various tortured animal euphemisms and the constant underlying LOOK AT HOW MUCH THESE TWO ARE GONNA FUCK, BECAUSE THEY ARE TOTALLY GONNA FUCK, YOU GUYS. ALL OVER THE BUTTERY LINEN. CHURN IT!!!!! but there is at least a shallow attempt at establishing some small degree of rapport beyond the whims of the plot hammer. Not by much though.
Maybe I'm just amused by another of K9's madcap schemes bearing fruit. See, it's established that the character is a big fan of the type of penny dreadful pulp literature that this book only wishes it was. Thus when he needs to enact some scheme involving mortal types he falls back on the hackneyed plots of his collection, with hilarious results. Such as the entirety of the first book. Hilarious.

Anyway, they get sent up in a balloon for a bit of "quality time". Binteena is suitably impressed by Juniors manly smell and a good time is had by all. Rampant buttsex is NOT however had by all, because if there's one thing we learnt from the last book is that this whole sexual tension bullshit will be strung out for as long as possible in order to maximise the amount suffering.

Oh, and as a side note, the old underpants in wash basket smell of "man". This is not generally considered to be particularly attractive.

So yeah, balloon ride, yadda yadda and now she's totally up for it. Because, in case you didn't get the memo, THESE TWO ARE SO GOING TO FUCK, LIKE SOME SORT OF CRAZY FUCKING THING. Then there's a picnic and Binteena gets shot by her aunt.

No, sorry, no headshots. It's an "accident". And incredibly minor. So much for drama. You remember how I said that Aunty got felt up by Junior at some point previously? And now he's all over Binteena?

Yeah, this isn't going to end well. Roll on the bitch fight. Just, please can we avoid doing it in butter? That's really not my kind of thing.

Anyway, with this thinly veiled "stay away from my man bitch" Binteena is carted off back home. Whilst there she finds someone has hidden a rose in her locked bag of paper work. This threat comes as something of a relief, as it would be nice to actually get the villain established so I can start mocking it. We KNOW who it is. It's written on the back cover. Unless of course all this supposed mystery with roses and chunks of dead body in the river is supposed to be building up to a big reveal, in which case way to go, guy who writes the blurb.

Tune in again, same bat time, same bat channel, when hopefully something interesting will actually happen.

I write like
Stephenie Meyer

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8 shocking ways that the Myrka has appeared in porn

This is the Myrka:

The Myrka appeared in the Doctor Who story Warriors Of The Deep. It was supposedly some sort of ancient electric dinosaur monster employed as terror weapon by the Silurians due to it's tremendous physical strength and electrified skin. If it so much asa touched you you would be electrocuted.

This engine of primeval destruction was realised on screen by Dobin from Rent-A-Ghost. It was not, on sober reflection, the most successful monster in the history of the program. However I personally have a bit of a soft spot for it. It's pretty, awful, but bless it, it tries.

A while back I was looking for pictures of the Myrka for one reason or another. No doubt I had some retarded idea for a piece of pointless paintshop. It's not that I had forgotten rule 34 or anything, but come one, the MYRKA? That'd be daft.

What I found however was much, much more disturbing.

See this young lady? Why would she come up in a search for old rubber monsters?

 Because that's her NAME. Somebody, somewhere decided it would be a good idea to name their child after one of the lamest Doctor Who monsters EVER. Why would you do thing like that? Did she have a really big head as a baby? What crime could deserve such a cruel and unusual punishment?

And then she compounds it all by taking her clothes off on the internet. Really, could you actually jerk off to anyone called Myrka? Because everytime you closed your eyes it would be there, in the darkness, WAITING.

It's coming for our erections!!

Even worse, could you picture what it would be like actually trying to have sex with the poor girl. Everytime things got steamy you'd think of that time Ingrid Pitt tried to karate chop it and break out in uncontrollable giggles.

But wait, there's more.

Also Starring Magma Monster and The Borad

This is what I found today when looking for pictures of the Myrka. Just a name on a list. But could anything so simple and innocuous be so loaded with dread and forbodding. It's like the ultimate rick roll. Your sat there, fapping away when suddenly...




There should have been another way.

I write like
William Gibson

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Like A Great Dark Thing Part 1: Unto The Breach

And so it begins. Here then is an account of that fateful reading. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Shockingly enough things start out quite promising. Exterior, Himalaya, night. SOMETHING is happening. Theres some intriguing business with a paranoid crazy professor who holds the mysterious twin scrolls of ultimate plot device and a mysterious THEM who are coming to get us Barbara.

All your scrolls are belong to us

Professor McCrazy tells his Daughter to leg it back to civilisation and tell everyone he's dead. Quite how she's supposed to achieve this when the whole expedition is stranded in the Himalayas and about to be attacked by giant ants is not explained as we then immediately crash into the main titles:

SO STILL THE NIGHT

A Crushing Your Sanity Production

Dun dun dunnn.... And we open onto the scene of a rather hungover Darth Junior being poked with a stick. Why is he so hungover? Who is poking him? Is it definitely just a stick? Why am I asking these stupid questions instead of just telling you? All will be revealed in the next sentence.  Because he hit his head on the plot and and now has AMNESIA, Sanchos secretary from the last book, yes, because I'm feeling melodramatic. In that order.

Seems that, in a shocking coincidence poor old Darth has been seeking the fabled scrolls of plot device after reading about them on a post it not on an ancient scroll in the last book. It may not have been actually mentioned at the time, but he totally did, so deal with it. And he was even pursuing Professor McCrazy and company. But then..... AMNESIA!!! Now it's 3 months later, oh noes. It's not all bad news though. See, there's a reason the secretary of darkness isn't trying to kill our troubled hero for being officially crazy and evil™. Seems that the portals have closed, and can't be reopened. Not even by hosting a Mortal Kombat tournament.

 Finish me

So this means that Sancho and Binto are stuck on the other side. RESULT!!! We don't have to put with either of those vapid muppets mooning over each other and surreptitiously touching themselves. In the absence of orders from on high and unburdened by the neccisity of following anyone around with a mop and a bucket the heroic secretary has taken it upon himself to kick start the plot. Someones got to do it. So we off we trot to the fake funeral of Professor McCrazy, where we once more meet the young and attractive (of course) Miss McCrazy. And her rich (of course) relatives. Ever notice how in these things everyones ALWAYS packed of to live with their rich relatives? It's alway lord and lady something or other. Never Brian the cobbler. So we get Lord something or other, his trophy wife, and a pair of vapid trophy daughters. I have no idea of any of them will be relevant in the future, and frankly I don't much care at this stage. My money is on some sort of Cinderella ugly stepsister type bullshit kicking off at some point.

So anyway, Darthy boy crashes the funeral and it's at this point that any hope I may have had for getting a story this time around comes crashing down in a series of longling glances as tingly sensations. THESE TWO ARE GOING TO FUCK. Darth intoduces himself to our young Binto in waiting AND THEY'RE SO GOING TO FUCK and tries to find out about the scrolls LIKE FUCKING WILDEBEEST. He even gives her a special present AND THERE WILL BE A MIGHTY HUMPING of a picture of her dear old dad and a mysteriously blurred out figure that so obviously not him ALL NIGHT LONG BABY at all. Now Binteena here knows full well that various dodgy parties A FRANTIC POUNDING OF LOINS WILL COMMENCE are after these scrolls, but crumbles somewhat under the force of Juniors raw sexual power. Because, you know, THEY'RE GOING TO FUCK AT SOME POINT. So she tells him that the scrolls are "with father" so he quite naturally goes graverobbing. As you do. Bear in mind that the funeral has only just finished. Like, a minute ago. He doesn't wait for the witnessess to disperese, let alone night to fall. As graverobbing strategies go it's not quite plan 9, you know?

So he shadowy shadow things his way into the crypt, but Binteenas spider sense is tingling so she heads back to the crypt as well. Since he's being a shadowy shadow thing she can't really see him, but she manages to shoot him anyway. Then everyone goes home. I mean, first they ignore the obvious signs of a break in such as the coffin nails all over the floor, but then after that they go home.

So gang, it looks like we have another mystery on our hands. The scrolls are missing, along with the dead bastard who apparently has them. I mean, he's not really dead, but thats what makes him such a bastard. And only one person knows the secret. Well, junior will find out everything, even if he has to pull the secrets out of her vagina with his bare penis. In fact, especially if he he has to do that, in accordence with the prophecies.

It is, as the saying goes, rapey time.

Personally I can't help but feel he's going about this the wrong way. Maybe you could, I dunno, TALK to the girl? But no. Getting shot has given him a funny feeling in his trouser department, and we're all invited along for the ride. Lucky us.

So, as part of his no doubt hideously convulted umpteen step plan to rummage in someones drawers he fixes it so his horse breaks down on the road, thus getting a lift with Binteena and her rich relatives. I mean, what could go wrong? ASide from the obvious fact that they could just drive straight past you without even noticing? Even assuming you did get ahead of them on the road? But whatever. Since all the rich people obviously know each other he of course gets offered a ride, and oh good he fucked the trophy wife at some point in the distant past. Yay. Of course everyone fancies him, except of course Binteena who is somewhat distrustful yet aroused and OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN.

Anyway... Junior does a bit of socia; inraciating in order to facilate the coming rapeterogation, but has to fuck off home before midnight since his crazy and evil™ is acting up a bit. Can't forget about the whole crazt and evil™ thing. So, you need to head back to your boat in order to sail out away from everyone in order to reign in your crazy and evil™, what would you say is the logical course of action?

If you answered go to the pub, congratulations. Go straight to the top of the class and jump off. Right, so at the pub he get's jumped by the countess von bitchy? Who basically just kicks him, tells him she wants someone to tell her to kill him and the fucks off. Which is..... a little odd. Why do it in the pub? Why do it all? If you want a fight, just have one. I don't know why everyones so upset about the whole crazy and evil™ thing. I mean, it's not like he's suffered any ill effects so far, right?

Well, except now when he get X-ray vision.

You wish you were this cool

Yeah, suddenly he sees everyone's skeleton for a minute. Then he goes outside and it stops. I suppose there was the whole voices thing telling him to eat prostitutes, but that's normal. Everybody gets those.

Right?

I write like
J. K. Rowling

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I Like Write

I've got a new toy.

As you'll already be aware I've started using Linkbait Generator as a basis for a bit of weekly random. But today I have discovered (I.E. saw on boingboing) a fun new tool that I intend to play with. At least until I get bored of it:

I Write Like

Put simply, this is a text analysis tool. You feed it some text, and it tells you what author your text most closely matches. The exact criteria and analytical algorithms are unknown to me, as is the list of authors and size of database it's using for comparisons to each one. It is however a laugh putting in my incoherent drivel and seeing it likened to an actual author. I'm sure that though the tool is somewhat limited currently it has the potential to grow and expand, and it will be interesting to see how it does so.

In the meantime I'm going to start running my posts through it to see what sort of results I get. Starting with this one.

I write like
Dan Brown

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Oh dear. That's not a very auspicious start is it?

It's Coming Down Part 2: Electric Boogaloo (Of Darkness)

So, before we embark on our next "literary" adventure, I thought we should take a moment to recall how exactly we got to this point. In the story that is. Quite how it is that I've decided that reading book 2 will be a good idea I'm not entirely sure. It's always possible that I was Hitler in another life, but then again it's not like I'm reading bloody twilight. So... Goebbels maybe?

Our hero then was the darkly mysterious mystery of darkness known in these parts as Sancho Mysterioso. Obviously that's his actual name in the book, but frankly it's too cliched to bother with. An ancient member of an ancient and poorly defined line of immortal something or others his job is to hunt down bad people and make them dead. His powers include being the main character and thus doing whatever the so called plot demands, no matter how ridiculous. His hobbies (outside of being darkly mysterious) include being a complete cockweasel to everyone in the vicinity (ESPECIALLY if they're trying to have sex with him), wanking furiously, being darkly mysterious, and bearing in mind his rather advanced years, raging comparative pedophilia. He wishes he was like Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker's Dracula, but as we all know..... He is Sancho.

One of these things is not like the other

The object his unbridled contempt perverse lust affection is Binto The Wonder Bint. She like to work as a nurse, scrapping the genital warts from the pox ridden whores of old London town. Her hobbies include not having any real personality to speak of, being incredibly SPECIAL and lusting after her darkly mysterious guardian (yeah, she's his WARD. Just in case you weren't feeling the pedo vibe enough already). Oh, and being treated really badly by a man but still putting out when it's convenient. In a shocking twist that nobody saw coming a mile away, alerted the guards and had shot by a sniper before it got near the gates her incredible SPECIALNESS meant she was actually INCREDIBLY SPECIAL, so rather than dying like everyone wanted she's now one of the poorly defined immortals of darkness and thus trapped in an abusive relationship (of darkness) with Sancho FOREVER. Only, rather than killing the bad guys she gets some sort of nurse powers I guess? Hard to say as the book ends rather abruptly right about there. Komugi-chan she is not.

Majikaru, majikaru naasu..

Confronting our two lovebirds and their gothic destiny was that most infamous of killers Jack The Ripper Himself. Only, since we can't bear to leave anything good Jack is actually the descendant of some ancient cult or other who may or may not be attempting to let some big bad out into the world and is only doing all this because Krakatoa told him to. Or something. After spending the whole book being built up as the invincible avatar of darkness (the BAD sort of darkness) he finally demonstrates his new found super powers by dying instantly in a single hint like some kind of bitch.

Buried in the family grave, if you take my meaning

The dark fight of darkness against the dark forces of other darkness is, luckily for you, aided by the dark twins of darkness. Of the same poorly defined stock as el Sancho, but a lot younger, we first have the Countess Von Bitchy, who goes from being some sort of resentful antagonist towards Binto to BFF's in no time at all. Frankly I find this suspicious and would like to think she's plotting something involving hundreds of snakes, but probably she just got brain damage from being near Bintos aura of being SPECIAL. Her brother is, basically, Sancho Jr. He enjoys not actually achieving anything useful ever and dressing up like an old woman. Completely failed to even look for the ripper, thus requiring some Sanchostic intervention. In order to fight Jack after he's all powered up on whore juice he elects to gain the same dark powers of darkness as Jack himself. Only instead of having to cut up hookers he just... get's them by thinking about them? So, just like that he became... sort of evil? Arise, Darth Junior. Quite what these new powers entail I dunno, as the boss fight lasts approximatly 5 nano seconds and then everybody fucks off.

It can however be inferred that he has now gained almost Sancho levels of power, as apparently he's now the main character. So I guess that's a result? However the best is yet to come. You see, his foe in the coming battles is none other than.... Jack The Rippers ex wife!!!!!

Wait, what?

I get the feeling I'm gonna be using this pic an awful lot.

And yes, I will be referring to her as Jill The Ripper. Why do you ask?

If Daleks had a love child with Satan it would look like this

You know, I thought for a moment I was gonna get to a bit of paintshop on this one. Lesser men would just draw horns on a MK3 travel machine and have done with it. But then I thought about it for a second.

We all know what Satan looks like, right?

Especially on PS2

And whilst the casing is very distinctive in this case we're clearly referring to the Dalek creature itself, and we know what those look like too:

It's basically a squid. An ANGRY squid. From space.

So when we put those together, what do we get?

Oh dear

Thats right. FUCKING CTHULHU.

This Is Why You Can't Have Nice Things

Movie night continues in the form of Mary Shellys Frankenstein.

This certainly seemed like the ideal companion piece for Bram Stokers Dracula. I suppose I've always regarded it as something of a follow up, owing primarily to the naming convention of the 2 pieces as well as they were 2 concurrent reworking of classic horror staples. Suprisingly I would appear to fairly accurate, this being produced by Francis Ford Coppola and coming a scant 2 years after Dracula. I get the impression that it was at least in part an attempt to repeat the success of that movie. Theres certainly a pressing tendancy towards comparison. I suppose the real test would be in each pieces faithfulness to the original novels, that presumably being the point of including the authors name in the title. Sadly this is an aspect I'm unable to comment on, as I've still yet to read either.

Don't act so shocked, any sophisticated literary origins in these tales has long been eclipsed by the sheer inexorable weight of popular perception. Ask anybody about Frankenstein and they're more likely to think Karloff than anything else, even if they've never seen the Karloff version. It's really very interesting.

Luckily I am able to comment on nearly everything else. I may be ill informed, unqualified, incoherent and overly subjective, but then this is an internets blog. What were you expecting?

I suppose the main question I need to ask here is, simply, why doesn't this film quiet work? It's not that this is a bad film. You look at any one particular aspect and you couldn't really point out any major faults. The story, obviously is regarded as fairly classic. The acting? This film has Ian Holm covered in blood. AND Richard Briars. I mean yeah, the various main cast are okay as well. Robert DeNiro before he completely lost it (if only just), Helena Bonham Carter doing her usual gothbait bit (I think it's something to do with her crazy hair) and Kenneth Brannagh's muscular chest. I'm not honestly convinced 18th century scientists really had personal trainers, but we'll put that one down to artistic licence. The design work is pretty much gorgeous all round, with some fantastic sets and nice costumes. There's even some good stunt work with a rather impressive full body burn.
The direction is I suppose a little variable but not abysmal by any means. The picture is also suprisingly grim, and I don't just mean in the way of the gore effects, or even the subject matter of cutting up dead people and stitching them back together. I mean the giant bag of amniotic fluid and lack of refrigeration. Let's make sure I'm crystal clear here. He had a swimming pool sized bag of festering vaginal leavings that was slowly accumulated one bucket at a time. Do you have any idea what that must have smelled like? And then 2 men wrestle naked in the aftermath. Seriously, that turns my stomach just thinking about it.
The make up effects are also pretty good, eschewing the sereotypical image form something a little more realistic. The bride version is even more disturbing.

But somehow the parts never come together to be a great whole. I'm hard pressed to point out exactly what, but there is definatly something lacking, a sense of "well, that was alright, but it should have been better".

Perhaps it's something of that nature of the story itself. The conflict is, at least to the outside viewer, so avoidable. If only everyone would just stop being dicks. You just can't help but feel if just someone would take a minute to be nice to the monster then everyone could have been happy. Dickishness breeds dickishness, fear breed fear, hatred begats hatred and pretty soon we'll end up talking like Yoda. Perhaps it's because Frankensteins change of heart after the experiment seems a little... random. Sure, I can buy that he thinks the creatures dead at first, but quite why at that point he suddenly decides the whole thing was a bad idea is less clear. As is his decision to clean up in the morning. Not really the way I'd have played things, but then hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I don't know that there's really much else to be said overall. Yeah, it's not bad, but it's not really great. The DVD is pretty bare bones. I think there's a trailer on there but that's about it. This is a shame I think, as even a bad film can be reevaluated in the light of the actual details of it's production. It would have been interesting to get some insight into the decisions behind how the film was made, and this itself may help to illuminate what it is exactly thats lacking here.

On a score of 1 to 10 I give it a C-.

It's About Sex

A while ago I mentioned that I'd somehow bought far too many (I.E. 2) films featuring a certain actor who is not exactly renowned as being very good. I also mentioned that in one case this was because I'd forgotten he was even in the film. Some may find this silly, but at the end of the day when you think about Bram Stoker's Dracula you think about Gary Oldman. It's a simple fact that his performance as Dracula overshadows pretty much everyone else in the movie, for good or for ill.

It's been more years than I'd care to estimate since I'd seen the movie, so when I decided to go old school movie shopping Dracula was basically at the top of my list. There are certain films that you simply need to own or hand in your goth licence. I'm not sure I actually have one of those anymore, but the point still stands. Mainly I wanted to get a few films from adolesence and see how they held up to my now jaded sensebilities.

It's hard to imagine, but the copyright on the credits was 1992. Just let that sink in for a second. Thats, what? 18 years now. It seems unreal when you put it like that. Does the film still hold up these days?

Why do people ask questions like that. There are things that don't have a sell by date, and cinema is one of them. This, by anyones standards (at least anyone that doesn't suck) a good film. As I said before the whole film is rooted in the unterly compelling performance of Gary Oldman, but even beyond that there's the delightfully batshit Van Helsing played Anothy Hopkins. I nearly forgot about him as well. And the Richard E Grant pops up! Seriously, when was he in it. Then of course there's Keanu. Well, bless him, he's trying. Not exactly the most lively character, but then I think he is supposed to be a bit uptight. And the accent could have been worse. Perhaps he's spent the rest of his career since Bill & Ted underacting to make up for overacting in that? I dunno, quite how anyone ever thought he was leading man material I'll never know, but honestly I can't really rip into him too much here. maybe he wasn't as bad I was expecting, maybe it was just that everything else is working so well it kind of makes up for it. It's interesting to note that you get more animation out of him in the extras than I have ever seen him emote on screen.

The extras are worth mentioning as they do add a bit of depth to the proceedings. Particularly the piece on the effects work. I admit I'd never been aware of the focus on in camera effects work that this production had, being young and naive at the time. But now being old and bitter but a tremendous fan of physical effects work this reall added a huge sense of appreciation to what was shown on screen. No green screens or digital trickery, just imaginative and creative work. And of course it looks fantastic. I'd never even twigged before that it was all shot in the studio either. There's something epically grandiose about just BUILDING all that. A lost era perhaps, but one I'm happy to revisit whenever I can.

I don't need to talk about the story, do I? You KNOW the story. Though I will say that I certainly picked up on the subtext a lot more than back when I was just in it for the cool vampires. Which is odd when you consider the sheer amount of boobies in the film. Seriously, how'd I never notice that?

This is still a really good film, but more than that it's one that you really can't believe you don't own when you finally get around to thinking about it. Which is kind of odd I suppose, because it's certainly a classic. It's possibly the only film I'm familiar that rally seems to get both the seductive and bestial natures of the vampire subject matter. Sure, Dracula can be very seductive and sexy and even romantic, but he's still SCARY. I'm sure theres a metaphor for the nature of man in there if you want to look, but I'm tired. Most importantly it's a vampire with some actual balls. Something that seems to be lacking in this day and age.