How visual kei is part of the gay agenda

Oh Linkbait Generator, are you even trying?

First, to gay people have an agenda? Is it like being in Cobra or something? Do they get secret underground lairs in which to plot the downfall of society? Pehaps gay marriage is actually a codename for a type of missile, which even now is aimed at YOU. You know, like how in Cobra everything named after snakes in some fashion. Maybe they have equal rights tanks and my sexual preferences are none of your damn buisness bombers?

Perhaps not.

Anyway, to address the issue at hand, allow me to introduce a member of Versailles -Philharmonic Quintet-

Isn't she gorgeous?

Well, as some would have it....

Yeah, thats a man. And you know what?

I DON'T CARE. I still would and so would you.

This is of course but one example. Visual Kei generally tends to feature a certain amount of transvestism, androgeny and gender blurring. There's more attractive guys in VK bands than there are in most entire countries.

So THAT'S how VK is part of the G.A.Y. agenda (all shadowy oragnizations names must be acronyms. I don't know what it stands for, but I know that it will make NO SENSE AT ALL). It totally makes you gay.

Unless your a chick I guess. But then according to my internet researches all women are lesbians anyway. Though quite how they find the time to do anything else is a mystery.

Guild Wars: In Review

And I'm afraid that's where I have to leave it. You see, I've been playing on a demo account, and my time is nearly up. Though to be fair I think I've been through most of the starter area quests.

So aside from my rambling incoherency over the past umpteen chapters, what is the game actually like?

Well, as MMOs go it is one. It seems to do all the standard sort of things MMOs do, only it does them slightly differently. Game wise the obvious being the instanced nature of the world. The only common areas are the towns. This is a little odd, but in a good way. Aside from the obvious advantage of not having random arseholes hassling you and camping the one thing you need to kill it also means that quests actually get done. So for example when you go out and kill the evil beast it actually stays dead. This is great as it helps to avoid the general feeling of futility that usually permeates your every action in these things.

Is does make getting screen caps for a series of articles a bit annoying, since you can't go always go back a second time for the shots you want.

Gameplay wise it seems like it might quite interesting when you really get into it. The dual class thing is intriguing, but the real oddity is the stats and powers, such as they are. Basically you get a number of skill groups to distribute points into which improve the related skills. But you can redistribute these any time you're in a town. You learn the powers from going out and finding the appropriate trainers, but you only have 8 slots in your bar. So you get the challenge of building your character in a way to best suit whatever it is you're doing. And it nicely avoids the clutter of having twenty bars stacked up with abilities, which is also nice. Another weird thing is the lack of potions. Your health and mana naturally restore over time, which is nice as it does avoid the whole trudging 16 miles back to town because your health is to low and getting picked of by some random weenie thing. Travel is also surprisingly unpainful, as you can always teleport back to any town area you've already visited. This is a tremendous help, and doesn't even clutter your inventory up with scrolls of town portal.

Story wise there probably is one, but I honestly wasn't paying that much attention. The fact that a story might actually be able to advance somewhere is rather intriguing though. The subquests are all diverting enough, though some are obviously a little less silly than others. The game does get bonus points for it's seeming lack of "kill 12 boars" missions. Interestingly there ARE NPCs dotted around who want arbitrary amounts of the random crap that monsters seem to drop, but they don't give out tedious grindy quests to that effect. They'll just trade you X walrus spleens or whatever for whatever items they have on offer. How useful these items are is of course varied and debatable.

I can't really comment on the multiplayer aspects because, like most of not all games, I don't know anyone else who plays. It's probably quite fun if you like that sort of thing. There were at least a few quests which required more than one person though.

I do have to say that I was quite impressed with the game overall, and the demo seemed pretty well set up. Sure there are limits (like you can't drop items), but the time limit seems reasonable to get to the end of the starter area and give you a good taste of the game. The real question I suppose is would I actually buy it?

This is of course where things get really interesting. Because you CAN buy Guild Wars. No fees, no bullshit, no feeling like you have to spend all your time logged in to get your monies worth. Just buy the game and then play it as much as you like. If you like it then maybe buy an expansion. Truly a revolutionary approach, and one I wish more (I.E. any) games would take. The best part of course being that I looked on amazon and found it for £7. THAT'S value for fucking money. Hell, you can get a full set of all the expansions for about £18. All I can say here is "suck it, warcraft".

I guess if I had to sum up the feeling I got from Guild Wars it would be like someone tried to make a MMO which doesn't suck. That this should be a rare and original concept is fairly depressing, but most stuff seems content just to try and be warcraft. The fact that you can be a Necromancer and have a small girl follow you around is just icing on the cake. All in all a good time I'd say.

Now if you'' excuse me I'm gonna go finish up my last 45 minutes of demo time. And then maybe go shopping.

Let's Play Guild Wars Part The Ninth: Vegan Do This the Easy Way, Or The Hard Way

Consulting the ragged and bloodstained scrap of incoherent parchment that serves as my To Do list, I see that once more I am running out of excuses to kill ways to aid the community. Seems all that's left is to go deliver a message.

Because when you say Necromancer everyone else thinks Postman.

Well, whatever. Head to this Regent Valley Place, deliver the note to lord whoever, and then I'm sure they'll be someone to point me in the direction of something that needs murdering.

I've seen a lot of nasty things on my travels, but nothing like the sight that greets me upon my arrival. No, not the hordes of giant scorpions.

Have we got a video?

Rangers. Oh JOY. No wonder the place is crawling with mutated vermin. I've always thought that one of the great advantages of being a Necromancer is that at least a 3 week old corpse doesn't smell as bad as a goddamn HIPPIE. Still, it would be remiss of me to not at least attempt communication. Perhaps some scraps of useful information may have penetrated the perpetual noxious ganja haze surrounding his so called mind.

"good day to you sir" quoth I, full of trepidation and mild nausea. How far can fleas jump again?

"I'm a ranger!" It says, as if impressed by the revelation.

"Oh. I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?"

I'd say he merely stared at me blankly, but it's hard to tell. I'm not sure he's capable of anything else. Must be all that mushroom granola or whatever. Still, let's keep trying. I foolishly ask if he might know where I could find some Necromantic training.

Sorry Mario, your class trainer is in another castle

No you stupid hippie. I AM a bloody Necromancer.

WHERE. IS. THE. NEAREST. OTHER. NEC-RO-MAN-CER?

Sorry Mario, your class trainer is...... Dude. My hands are HUGE... They can touch everything but themselves...

Oh just fuck off.

Leaving the rancid stench of patchouli and unwashed genitalia behind I venture onwards towards my goal. Well, the place I'm meant to be being postbitch for. My goal is to kill all the hippies. For some reason however this doesn't seem to be an option, so I settle for the local fauna instead. Scorpions and bandits and fish people, oh my!

But lo, what is this I see before me? Why it appears to be a punctuated peasant! Punctuation means employment, and employment means plausible deniability. Perchance are there any rancid hippies you need slaughtering madam?

I'll take that as a no then.

Spiders. Spiders stole your apple basket. Apple loving spiders? Do spiders usually eat apples? Are these, like, VEGETARIAN spiders or something? Maybe they caught something from the hippies?

Anyway, let's get this straight. Vegetarian spiders came by looking for apples and you ran away because you didn't know what else to do. It's just a thought, but why didn't you take that battle axe you're offering me and cut their bloody legs off? Or is that me being obvious again? Well, whatever. I'll get back to you. I've gotta go pick up some tofu to bait the traps with.

Moving on....

We reach the fort and find the lord and hand over the note, remembering to wipe most of the congealed guts off it first. I have been carrying around for quite a while.

He's so fussed at the news that he spends 10 minutes bitching about the guy who sent it in the first place. To be fair, I don't really see what all the fuss was about either, but then I didn't see anything when he allegedly urned up on account of being dead for most of the fight. He probably thinks someones making the whole thing up, and frankly I'm inclined to agree with him.

Anyway, let's check out this mighty fort. Must be few folks round here need some murdering done, right?

It's..... quiet. Isn't it? Seriously, there's something fishy going on here. I KILLED more people on the way here than live in this entire fortress. And they were BANDITS.

 Zombies (none) copy and paste. repeat.

What sort of society can you have where 98% of it are criminal outcasts? DEAD criminal outcasts. Not that I have that much against the concept, but who exactly is it that these bandits are stealing FROM? Each other?

Zombies (1) copy and paste repeat 

Do they have little bandit babies? And special Bandit schools and shops? Are there special bandit police who come for you when you're NOT breaking the law?

Zombies (3) copy and pate. Repeat.

  That's... I'm.... I'm gonna stop thinking about this. It hurts my head. No wonder they're renting their services out to the goddamn bears.

Let's go pick apples!

After a brief stroll through woods infested with bandits and fish men we find the woods infested with giant spiders. Giant VEGETARIAN spiders.

Meat is murder!! And so is this!!

And sure enough the fiends are staking out the fabled apple basket of wrath. Apparently these apples are so HARDCORE they couldn't just eat them straight away. Or maybe they're going to bake a pie and were busy doing the pastry. I dunno.

This one is apparently also addicted to heroin

Sadly their culinary ambitions are never to be realized. Which is kind of shame when you think about it. How awesome would it be to watch giant spiders BAKING A PIE? You'd never need to do drugs again.

Fruits of DARKNESS.

Still, maybe the spiders were onto something after all. Because on the way back with the fruit the fishmen go FUCKING CRAZY.

Yes, I am casting fireball using a bowl of fruit. Do you have a problem with that?

So the fruit is returned to it's rightful owner (no, not the tree) and there is much rejoicing. But I can't help but have this funny feeling about the whole affair. Let's see if we can't  puzzle this out.

1 - I am contracted to retrieve a basket of merchandise.
2 - My employer is rather keen to retrieve said basket, and fears retribution from their employer should the merchandise not be returned
3 - Everything and everybody is REALLY keen to take the basket from me.
4 - The districts human population are almost entirely all criminals
5 - NEEDLE spiders.

Conclusion: Apples weren't the only thing in that basket and I am now a drugs mule for the mob.

Fuck this. This isn't what I signed on for. I'm getting out of here before the bandit feds turns up.

This Is What We Do On Weekends

This is basically a normal saturday for me.

Let's Play Guild Wars Part The Eighth: Blood For The Blood God, Delicious Candy For Evryone Else

So, in our last thrilling installment I learnt elementalisms and failed to save a chicken from the forces of darkness. Where do go from here?

Away, as it turns out. I'm running out of things I can do around here, so it's of to the other end of the map.

Not Pictures: The quick route

 So, what fantastic job opportunities await us here? Deliver a bear skin rug or whatever? Meh. Oooo, here's a good one: Quiz the locals on their political inclinations to make sure they're not a big bunch of traitors.

Of course. Because it's not like they'll just LIE or anything. Mind you, since those opposed to the current king are continually referred to as Royalists you'd forgive them being a little confused about the whole thing. I know I am. Might as well just forge the questionnaires and get on with something interesting.

Speaking of something interesting, I spy with my little eye something beginning with BREASTS.

Here we go again...

It funny the way clothing works around here. I always thought you basically started by covering up the sensitive and/or naughty parts and the worked out. But here it's like the opposite. Anything covered EXCEPT the "characteristics". Shame really, because that's almost a practical outfit. Just a shame about the holes in the chest. I mean, if it rains then the whole suits gonna fill up with water.

Anyway, in case you couldn't guess from the overly melodramatic name, she's a Necromancer too! We have so much in common. Obviously we should fuck now. Or, you know, not.

Turns out she has problems beyond sheltering her copious mammeries from the elements. There's some dodgy cultists who have done something to earn her disfavor. Can't remember what exactly, but it probably didn't involve looking her in the eye much. Anyway, she'll teach me some new Blood Magic if I agree to go slot them up. It's not Death Magic and it doesn't involve hideous minions, but I'll take whatever I can get. Plus I'd like to get out of here before I accidentally fall down her cleavage and suffocate. So it's back to the catacombs in search of these evil deviant blood cultists.

Let's see.... Are you blood cultists?

Nope. Gargoyles can't be cultists. That would be silly. They can however be murdered and raised up as twisted abominations of unlife. Which is always fun. However all good things come to end, and eventually the gargoyles run out, leading us on to....

This seems legit. Stop being a pussy.

Now this looks much more promising. I must say I do like the architectural vibe they have going on down here. It's all very cyclopean. Much nicer than all those sun drenched peasant hovels up on the surface. Kind of makes you wonder why more people don't move in. I mean apart from the giant scorpions, giant spiders, gargoyles, ghosts and skeletons.

No, I don't have a bone to pick with you. I have an axe.

Wait, Skeletons? SKELETONS!!! AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

The cultists are skeletons! Wait, what? Blood cultists. Doing blood magic and stuff. Shouldn't they, I dunno, HAVE blood? Just a bit? Well, I suppose it's fairly irrelevant really as they're just going to die. Again. Only properly this time. I mean they WERE dead. And then they were undead. But soon they'll be DEAD dead. Or something.....

MINIONS!!!!

Kill this for me, I can't even be bothered to look at it.

So, what's next?

8 things Linkbait Generator has in common with Satan

I has a new toy.

Linkbait Generator is my new favorite thing™. Put simply, you give it a subject and will give you an alarmist, reactionary and/or controversial article title. And they are inevitably hilarious. Thus I intend to commit myself to begin actually writing these articles on a regular basis.

So the rules I will follow are as follows: at some point each week I will feed a subject into the generator. I will allow myself no more than 3 shots in the event of a creativity failure, but will try to stick to the first wherever possible. I will attempt to remain at least somewhat factual where possible, but reserve the right to generate absolute bullshit if I happen to find it funny. I will continue to do this, in addition to whatever else I happen to be writing about, for as long as I can actually be bothered.

So, without further ado here is the 8 things Linkbait Generator has in common with Satan

1. It is a prince of lies
2. It feeds on human suffering
3. It is actually incredibly rock and roll
4. It uses so called "SCIENCE " and "TECHNOLOGY" to undermine traditional values and scriptual teachings
5. It will try to corrupt you, take your soul, and use you to further its sinister plans
6. It is also possible that this has already happened
7. It dwells in a place of infinite suffering and lavicious perversity
8. It once ate a live baby on national television (citation needed).

 Oh yeah, this should be fun.

I Watches The Watchmen

So, as I previously mentioned I did some film shopping recently. Mostly I decided to buy some old stuff that I hadn't watched in years, but I did get a couple of more recent items whilst I was at it. Which I suppose is a rather roundabout way of saying I finally got around to buying Watchmen on DVD.

Normal people would of course watch a DVD with their friends and then discuss it with them afterwards. But Damaramu is not normal!!! So I'm going to write about here instead.

The first thing I'm going to do is moan about the various editions. I went for the 2 disc collectors edition. Sounds about right, right? Lots of extras, directors cut, that sort of thing, right?

WRONG.

See, it wasn't until things wrapped up at a mere 2 and a half hours or so that I suddenly realized "hey, that was the theatrical cut!". This soured what up to that point been a thoroughly enjoyable evenings entertainment. Silently berating myself for my foolishness I returned to amazon to check which edition I should have bought instead. And then I discovered that, being British, i apparently don't DESERVE to see the directors cut. There is no region 2 release of the directors cut. This naturally would be the cause of my initial confusion in buying the special edition and assuming it to be in some way special. So if I want to see the extended version not only do I have to buy the damn film again, but I have to import it?

Memo to whoever is in charge of this sort of thing: WHAT THE FUCK?

I've long held that the whole DVD regioning thing was simply a ploy to prevent anyone outside america getting any good extras, but this has got to be the most blatantly egregious example I've seen yet. And don't even get me started on the whole thing about having umpteen different bloody versions. To say I'm not impressed by any of this is a fair and accurate description. It's not that it's unreasonable, it's just dumb.

So, moving on, what do I actually get for my hard earned GP? Well, the extras are actually pretty good for as far as they go, but I honestly can't help but feel that an opportunity has been missed. What we get are essentially some admittedly interesting tidbits about various aspects of the production, but there is a real sense that they could have gone into a lot more depth. The documentary pieces on the original comic, science and vigilantism are all quite interesting, and I certainly don't feel any are a waste of space, but I really wanted something a little more meaty about the production of the film itself. Maybe I'm just a big nerd, but I feel theres' a lot of depth to the technical details of the production that would fill out a full length documentary with ample ease.

So whilst the extras offer a tasty but all to brief appetizer, what of the film itself? As I've already said this is only the theatrical cut, but that's not entirely bad. Indeed, had the theatrical cut been crap I'd hardly interested in getting the extended version, would I? There's no real way around it, the movie is actually pretty good. There's clearly a lot of love, effort and attention to detail in the production. I'm not sure I would have ever classed the original comic as unfilmable, but reading it it does seem like it might be rather difficult. That has been achieved in such a competent fashion is a high credit to the director and crew. With hindsight however it does seem fairly straightforward: you take the story, and you film it. Whilst obviously there's a lot more work that just that, that is essentially what they've done. Simply translated the story as faithfully as possible into the cinematic medium without compromising the essential details.

And no, I don't think the squid was an essential detail.

The thing about adapting a story from one medium to another is there WILL be changes by necessity. That's why we HAVE different mediums for telling stories. They do it in different ways, use different tools, and things that work in one may not necessarily translate into another. This is particularly true of comic book movies, as capes simply will never be as cool in real life as they are on the page. In Watchmen the only major change is the removal of the squid in favor of framing Doctor Manhattan. And this device works far better on screen than the squid ever could. narratively as well it allows for the removal of certain plot lines, characters and details that really wouldn't fit into the movie, both in terms of maintaining a narrative flow and time. Time being a rather important factor, as the 2 and half hours or so does only just fit the narrative as it is. I would suspect part of the problem in adapting it before now was perhaps an assumption that it would have to run for an hour and half at most. Good luck with that.

The other issue which the suits would have found so confusing of course would have been the fact that this was a comic for grown ups. Sadly the concept of the graphic medium as a forum for mature themes and ideas is still filtering through, but Watchmen is a big part of proving the case. And whilst I'm loath to use such overworked and vacuous cliches as describing the film as gritty I will say it's incredibly visceral. There's a real sense of impact and violence to the action, and they certainly don't skimp on the gorey details where appropriate. Despite the fantastic elements the whole thing is firmly grounded, as was the original source material. The more, shall we say, theatrical flourishes of the fights come of more as a stylistic choice than an imersion breaking example of powers the characters simply don't posses.

I think one of my favorite parts of the film is, oddly enough, the front titles. Simply because they manage to pack in so much story, background and detail into a handful of brief vignettes. It's at that point that you really start to believe that the film is in the right hands and actually going to work. Which is nice to have right at the beginning.

So in summation the film itself gets points for being firstly a good film and also it's unfaltering commitment to it's source material. The DVD presentation however loses points partly for the lack of production detail, but mostly for it's institutional racism.

3Don't

I was reading a post this morning on the new 3D gaming tech that's been unveiled at E3, and felt compelled to point something out. See, there's these industry types going on about how 3D is the future of everything an blah blah avatarmadealotofmoneyandwewantsome blah. And I'm sure that your fancy expensive new eye strain technology is all very nice. But when we're applying the concept to gaming there's something that everybody seems to be missing:

MOST GAMES ARE ALREADY IN 3D.

We've had games that operate in true 3 dimensional space since, let's see..... Starfox? On the SNES? In 1993? Even before that we've had the pseudo 3D of mode 7 graphics.

Now, the real 3D gaming boom as it were would have come in with the PS1, but the point remains. Games tend to operate by default these days in a 3 dimensional space, and the player is free to move around in these 3 dimensional spaces to the extent that physics and power ups allow. Some games only utilise a 2 dimensional space, but they do that for reasons of gameplay and stylistic choice.

I simply fail to see what wearing 3D glasses is going to actually ADD to a game.

So let's use an example here. This is a 2D game:

We're moving in 2 dimensional space, that is up/down and left/right. So far so standard.

This is a 3D game

We now have the added dimension of depth, in/out, forward/back, call it what you will. Stuff flies towards us, we fly towards stuff. We've moved out of flatland and everything exists as a fully 3 dimensional object within the game space.

Now, let's add 3D to our already 3D game

Oh yeah, that's so much better. I don't have a headache at all.

You Have Lost The Right To Survive

I had a horrible realization last night. I have purchased not just one but TWO films starring Keanu Reeves.


And neither of them was Bill and Ted.

I'd like to say I'm not sure how this happened, but really I know. One of them I admit I have no excuse for since he's on the cover with top billing and everything. I know it's not a great film, but I wanted to watch it again anyway. The other though, I simply forgot he was in it. Literally had no conception of the sin I had committed until it turned up last night and there he was on the back of the box.

Taunting me.

Then this morning I realized that in addition to this heinous crime, when I was looking through some other old movies online I added a film starring Will Smith to my wishlist.

I may have to turn in my official Film Nazi™ licence.

Let's Play Guild Wars Part The Seventh: Choking The Chicken

Okay, that was weird. But I'm fine now. I've had a little break and now time seems to be moving in the right direction again. Forwards, rather than side to side.

So, what the hell was I even doing?

Wizardry! That was it. I'm off to see the wizard, the impractically dressed wizard up the frozen mountain in the middle of nowhere. Right, glad we got that sorted. So, skipping from town to camp in order to avoid the bears we nip up to the tower of wizardry (and not small penii). Do I really want to irrevocably commit myself to being a part time wizard? What, doesn't the amnesia work anymore or something? Or are wizards amnesia proof? That could be handy, but then again there are some things it's definitely better to forget.

But I can't remember what they are, so okay. Let's sign up. And so she's all "yeah cool, here's some spells and stuff. Now go see power girl back at the camp, and she'll tell you some other stuff I really can't be bothered to. Because I'm so busy standing in the middle of this desolate wilderness, on my own, doing NOTHING"

Thanks bitch. Fine, back down the bloody mountain it is.

So is making him explode in welter of gore and entrails, but I don't see you offering THAT on the menu.

So, back up the bloody mountain the. Thanks Bitch.

I'm really only here for the mana buffs, you do know that right? Still, whatever.I wearily trudge up high into the snowy mountains without my zombie minions and with but a handful of elemental spells I am sent forth to slay the mighty beast. Go me. And Elemental magics are okay. I mean the whole fire lightning thing is alright if you're really into it, but you know what sort of magic really works in a fight?

Fucking DEATH MAGIC. Guess what that does?

It does exactly what it says on the tin

Though I guess to be fair that might have something to do with me concentrating on it to the exclusion of else. But, in my defence: MINIONS. You know it makes sense.

Anyway, I am now officially a wizard, Harry. So to what ends will I turn the titanic energies at my call now?

There's a chicken gone missing. Clearly it's up to me to go find it. Why me? Because it was.... kidnapped by an evil cult? And they took it down to the catacombs?

Chicken F_cker. Care to take a vowel?

Well, as a Necromancer I AM qualified to lurk in catacombs. Okay, sure. I'll go look for the chicken-chocobo-whatever in the dark catacombs populated by flesh eating undead and the forces of darkness. I'm sure it's fine down there and simply needs rescuing, so don't worry yourself, oh babbling peasant.

Sorry Mario, but your chicken is in another plane of existence

No. No, it's fucking dead. WHO WOULD HAVE BELIEVED IT? An evil cult steals livestock and sacrifices it to some dark god rather than hold it hostage? Shocking. Whatever have evil cults come to?

Still, I've gotta say that's an awful lot of candles for just one chicken.

Illustrated: a rather grandiose fire hazard

I mean, what do you suppose they hoping to get out of all this?

Dance Off Of Darkness.

Oh. It's one of those. Slightly harder than the last one I fought. Maybe it's because I forgot the holy magic I had last time, or maybe the last guy used a hamster instead of a chicken. I dunno. Either way if there's one thing I've learnt in my travels it's that killing the shit out of something makes it dead. So I do that and head back off to the surface with my shocking tragic news.

And then he exploded

Wow. He seems really upset. Not that I honestly care, I'm only in it for the loot and flimsy excuse to commit violence.

I Am A Genius

This is undoubtedly my masterpiece. A joke that NO-ONE will get. A triumph of obscure absurdity.

Me, I think this is hilarious. And I'm pleased that it's come out rather well. Everyone else will just srcatch their heads and move on. The wierdest part? I don't even like Telesdon that much. Seeboze and Mephilas are my favorites. Go figure.

And yes, I DO think this was a worthwhile way to spend my evening.

Let's Play Guild Wars Part The Sixth: A Deja Vu In The Life

Another lovely day. Or is it the same day? I don't remember night ever actually falling yet. Honestly, it's like someone's trying to make this whole sinister evil thing as difficult as possible.

Still, if I can't be sinister and evil, I'm going to be creepy and evil. So I buy some presents for Gwen from the store. Sadly there's no puppies or candy on sale (or indeed anything I actually want to buy myself), but I can get her a new flute and a cloak.

See, deep down she KNOWS this will not end well.

I'm not going soft though. I'm... err... Lulling her into a false sense of security. Before I sacrifice her. To, y'know, EVIL and stuff.

Alright, fine. I admit it. I like having her around. Somehow my pitched battles with hideous creatures just wouldn't be the same without her innocently skipping about the place.

Anyway, aside from soliciting minors, what was the plan for the day? Go find more powers, that was it.

But first, a few odd jobs whilst we're in the neighbourhood. And all at once I am transformed into the necromantical equivalent of rentokill. On the menu today: Invertebrate vermin. There's an infestation of worms in the field. Okay, how hard can that be?

In soviet guild wars, worms have you.

Okay....

Still, if there's one thing about worms, even giant worms with six inch fangs, it's that they're not exactly renowned for their armour. Shockingly slicing them up with zombie claws and pumping them full of death magic is fairly effective at making them not live anymore. Same as most things really.

Okay, whats next? Cave full of bugs? No problems. I'll just go in and....

Did I accidentally warp to Australia or something?

You know, I really do think that everyone I talk to around here is actually just trying to get me killed. Still, with the aid of my patented "Horde Of Ravenous Flesh Eating Zombies" cleaning technology soon the area is cleansed of all life. Well, almost all. Outside there was some nutter who wanted me to protect his hapless minion whilst he went to gather giant hideous death scorpion eggs, and I like a fool agreed. It only occurs to me now that the reason they were doing this is to raise up a new brood of the damn things so they can con hapless adventurers into going and fighting them. Sending fools to their death is apparently a major hobby in these parts. Amongst the human population that is. The monster population has it's own set of bizarre pass times. Such as the wildly popular "putting things that aren't really designed to fir in a very personal place" game. It's not just confined to the fish monster you know. I suppose it's not unusual to assume that the proclivities of mutant arachnoid's might be a trifle... Unusual. But Maces? BOWS?!?! Seriously, it's a wonder they're capable of laying any eggs at all after that lot.

Anyway, I soon tire of buggering about here (see what I did there? Gods I'm funny.). Anything else happening? Well, I could retrieve a box of gold for that cow who got me killed a while back, but frankly I'd rather steal the gold and fill the box with exploding death bees before returning it to her.

Not a bomb. Honest.

Anything else?

ORLY?

Well, that's an alarming mastery of understatement you've got going on there. Still, I seem to have several bear pelts on my person right now FOR SOME REASON. So no need to run back to Bearville (where the streets are paved with bears) just yet.

My patience, if not my options, for the moment exhausted, I quest forth to seek the powers of Mesmerism. After a hard, long trek I find them available just outside the city gates. How'd I not see that before? (Hint: To busy killing fishmen). The other surprising fact is that this is the least dressed like a hooker class trainer we've met yet!

Maybe she's one of those EXPENSIVE hookers.

I can only guess there's some sort of fabric shortage on, as even a high society type like this can't afford enough for a dress that goes all the way round. So, tell me oh wise one. What task must I perform to learn the mystic arts of mesmerism?

Oh... You want me to fight a cow? An EVIL cow? Sure. Whatever. I'm sure it's a completely diabolical bovine with a heart as black as pitch. No, really. Let us sally forth and fight the demon bull!!

Sure enough, just across the way is a bull, terribly minding it's own business in a thoroughly menacing fashion. At least it was until I turned it into metaphorical barbecue. I would have done actual barbecue, but the elementalist spells got amnesiafied in favor of this mentalist crap.

Yeah, I said it. I'm not impressed here. Whilst the elementalist stuff was kind of useful but not exciting, these abilities are just kind of.... there. Not really complementing my own personal brand of killing everything that moves and raising up their corpses in a twisted unliving parody of flesh to then kill their friends and so the cycle begins anew kind of thing.

Still, I've got a couple more options to try. Let's see... Warrior? Gay. Ranger? Eurgh. ELF gay. No thanks. I guess we'll be heading back up the mountain then. Except, I don't feel so well. Everything seemed fine, but then...

I started to get this strange feeling of...

Deja vu...

this strange feeling of...

Deja Vu

Which, in addition to this strange feeling of Deja Vu....

Combined with this strange feeling of Deja Vu I've been experiencing...

has left me a little dissorientat.....

....sorientate.....

....rientated

Can you catch lag from scorpions? Or maybe I simply can't handle the mentalist stuff and am now having an embolism. Either way I think I better go and lie down for a while.