Sunday 13 June 2010

Let's Play Guild Wars Part The Second: Fishfuck

Finally the downloading is done and we can start on our mighty adventure. Load up, make sure we're on a European server, and....

What do I do now? I'm in a castle, of some description. But that's all I know. Still If I wander around for a bit I'm sure I'll find someone to help point me in the direction of some learner quests.


ahh, here's a likely fellow.

In the universal language of mmorgs, giant floating punctuation means you have something to say. According to this fellow someones been looking for me. What a coincidence, I've been looking for someone!

Anyway, I must confess I'm a little confused by this deal. Someone has paid this guy to pay to me to go talk to them. Evidently they have some issues with making friends. Still, what else do I have to do except wander aimlessly?

So, possibly several METERS away we find Sir Tydus. I can tell immediately that he's important, because not only does he have punctuation, he has BITCHES.

 Is it REALLY a law that all woman must dress like hookers?

He's obviously mad pimping or some such vernacular. Anyway, He's gonna send me off to Necromancer school. This should be awesome. I'm a wizard Harry!!

Anywho, Off we trot through the gate to Lakeside County. This is a charming pastoral area, full of peace and tranquility. And giant fish monsters, but we'll get those in a bit.

Nothing bad could possibly happen...

My contact, Verata the Necromancer is.... Hanging out I guess? Just chilling by road. Now, it's a nice day for it and all, but that doesn't strike me as being exactly.... Necromancery behaviour. Shouldn't we be lurking in a crypt somewhere?

 Have you ever TRIED lurking in a field of daisies?

Still, it's not for me to judge. Maybe he's only supremely gothic on the weekends.

Tru-Dark™ Twice as powerful as the leading name brand

Or maybe not.

Still, he only wants me to go kill a hideous fish monster so that he can use it's rotting carcass in some unholy ritual, so that's fine. Up the road there are (conveniently) some hideous fish monsters. Also just hanging out, enjoying the scenery.

 Go to DIE, go directly to DIE. Do not pass go, do not collect the rest of your life.

They didn't seem to particularly enjoy being brutally murdered five minutes later by a wand wielding psychopath, but frankly that's not my problem.

Now for the fun bit. He did say I would enjoy this...

I shall love him and hug him and call him George

Awww, it's cute. I want one. This is going to be so awesome, I'll have hideous minions to to my evil bidding! Or.... maybe not. At least not yet. After showing me the twisted blasphemy of unliving flesh he is capable of creating, Verata tells me he can't actually teach me how to do that.

Oh REALLY?

Why not exactly? Don't you know how? The simple fact that you made a point of showing me that you do would kind of dispute that particular theory. An alternative theory would be because you're a dick. Anyway, some spells is better than no spells, so I guess I shouldn't really complain too much. So he gets to show off his metaphorical penis and I get a couple of offensive spells. And I don't mean Tourette's Flapping Mouth.

Anyway, what else is there to do around here? Aside from vent my rage on fish monsters?



Well, the Healer has a refreshing attitude towards her job, but I'm not really the chummy type.

Oh, who's this?

 I don't think he lieks Mudkips either

What's that? You'll trade me stuff for bits of fish monster? No, I don't really care what stuff. I'm sure it's very nice, but it's the killing part that I'm interested in. Oh there will be blood, and pain and darkness and death and....

If not, do you have any puppies to show her?

A little girl? And she want me to find her flute? Awwwww....

Well, don't worry about the scary monsters. I'll just go and have a talk with them and see if we can't find where your flutes got to...

Hint: Not happy


BLOOD!!! BLOOD AND DEATH!!! CLEANSE THE EARTH OF ALL THAT LIVES!!

Hint: Not Sleeping

Ahem.

Anyway we trot off for a bit of recreational murder. For hideous bestial creatures of the water these fish men do seem to carry a fine line of wands. Not that they ever seem to be carrying them....

Hang on. Wand shaped object, appearing after all life has ceased... it would have to be coming from......

EEEWWWW. That's not right. I mean, really fish people? REALLY? Save it for when your at home, there's CHILDREN around here. And that counts double for the one with the staff.

Excuse me while I go wash my hands, equipment, backpack and mind.

 My Avarice-Sense is tingling...

After a brief interlude of perverted fish murder we find the poor childs flute. It's broken.

I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENED?

Still, probably for the best. She's only young, and may not have thought to wash it first.

I give you my word as a practitioner of the black forbidden arts that you'll PROBABLY be just fine.

And now she wants to...follow me around? How exactly is that going to help?

This is starting to get disturbing. I mean she's like, what, 12? Is this some kind of set up? I mean, I'm really not into that sort of thing but what if someone gets the wrong impression and....

 Funny you should say that, because I was just gonna show her MY pointy end....

Yeah. Figures. Funny how the first title you can unlock is "Pedophile".

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