And The Kitchen Sink Of Death

Let's be honest here. The Time Of The Doctor was not really what you'd describe as a great episode of Doctor Who. I wouldn't describe it as awful. It's certainly no Fear Her. Hell, I'm not entirely convinced I'd even describe as bad per se. But it's definitely not very good. At best I suppose we could describe it as an uneven end to an uneven year. And of course if we're going to have any hope of getting to the root of WHY this is we're going to have to get into full on spoiler territory.

For example, the 12th Doctor discovers that when a body dies it evacuates its bowels..

So consider yourself warned.

Terminology Velocity

One thing you quickly learn when performing even a cursory review of Dinosaurs in general is that they are possessed of a great variety of long, complicated sounding names. Now, obviously we need to call them SOMETHING, and using latin or pseudo-latin sounding terms allows us to apply some measure of appropriate description so that everybody knows what we're talking about. Even if we're not always sure exactly how to pronounce it.

Of course, one of the other functions of such nomenclature is that it all sounds very clever and official. Which is just as well really. Because if we were to actually set the TARDIS telepathic circuits to translate right down to the root meanings of terms and try to have a conversation about Dinosaurs we would sound, in all honesty, utterly retarded, if only for the number of times you end up saying lizard in a single sentence.

So that's what I'm going to do. Enjoy.

Advent (Geological) Time

It's at times like this, with the festive season well and truly underway, that a mans thoughts inevitably turn towards the one obvious subject of relevance for this time of year:

Dinosaurs.

What did you think I meant?

Don't Mention The War

On reflection, if I had to find a metaphor for my feelings on watching The Day Of The doctor for the first time, I can only equate the experience to watching gay porn. I mean, the 3 guys on screen are clearly enjoying themselves, and there's plenty of fun and action to be had. But somehow, despite all this it doesn't quite work for me. And also much like the question of sexuality I can't help but feel that it's not really a question of what's happening on the screen being particularly wrong in any way, more that it doesn't quite fit with my own particular preferences somehow.

I know what I'm thinking about when somebody says 3 Doctors at the same time.

It's funny, but despite all the reservations I felt after watching the episode, I can't help but feel that the whole package was, in some ways, fairly inevitable. That things were always going to move in this direction eventually.  But I'm not going to be able to get into this in any detail without the obvious spoilers. So if you haven't actually managed to watch it yet, I suggest you sort your priorities out.

The Foe From The Future

Okay, so last time I was banging on about the whole Ultimate Villain poll thing and how utterly ridiculous half the entries were. And I was left wondering why it was that outside of the 2 Steven Moffat created entries there was such a lack of anything from the new era of Dr Who that could be considered even slightly appropriate, let alone a reasonable contender for second place after the Daleks.

Unless we're talking about these Daleks of course, which are different and thus must be feared and hated.

And thus it is I feel compelled to embark on an in depth analysis of original monsters from the 9th, 10th and 11th Doctors run and see if we can come up with anything a bit more iconic. So strap yourselves in, this might take a while....

The Ultimate Foe

Recently the BBC Doctor Who site ran a poll to determine the Series Ultimate Villain™. As a man who has spent an excessive amount of time and a whole series of posts thinking about Dr Who monsters this was obviously of some interest to me. Not that there's ever really any doubt about the outcome of such an exercise.

Spoiler Alert?

But it can be a bit of fun anyway. After all, the Daleks Winner is to be announced as part of some special programme (even if it is on BBC 3), so at least we'll get a cool rundown of classic nasties to watch out of it if nothing else.

Then the list of nominees started getting filled out. And I found myself faced with a question: Is this some kind of joke?

No, REALLY. Is it?

When I Said It Was Time For A Dino Riders Reboot I Didn't Mean Like This

Okay.... So, this happened:

And I have to say, in all honesty, it could have been a lot worse. I mean, it should give you some idea of just how awful supernatural romance in general actually gets that this is probably the least headache inducing thing that I've actually read.

And it's about a HORNY PSYCHIC T-REX.

Seriously, I barely made this face at all.

Ham And Pineapple

The history of progress is, in many ways, a history of utterly implausible combinations. Nowhere is this better illustrated than in the example of the ham and pineapple pizza.

What is this I don't even...

Doctor Death

If you're anything like me then you spend far too much time sitting around thinking about Doctor Who. If you're not anything like me then I guess you're too busy having some sort of real life with all your going out and personal relationships and such like. No need to be so smug about it, you're not impressing anyone with that sort of behavior

Anyway, at this particular time if there's one subject on the mind of Doctor Who fans, it's that of death & regeneration. Matt Smith will be dying for our entertainment at christmas, to be replaced by Peter Capaldi. And before we even get that far we have the mystery of the extra Doctor in the anniversary special. Currently the hints and rumours indicate that he's some sort of previous version. Which if true makes the whole Season 6b theory and UNIT dating problems look pretty tame by comparison.

Still that is all to come. As it is I've been thinking about the various deaths of the Doctor over the years, and thought it might be fun to go through them and see what we can learn about both the Doctor, and who his deadliest enemies really are.

And I'll tell you right now, it's not who you think. Not by a LONG WAY.

It's A Metaphor

Holding Out For A Heroclix. Or Not.

Man, I'm not having a lot of luck with games lately. I mean, The Bureau was the video game equivalent of a giant car crash (there's bit's going all over the place, and whilst it looks kinda cool from certain angles you can't help but wonder why a merciful god would allow this level of suffering) and the pacific Rim video game was apparently designed by one of those Nigerian princes you keep hearing about.

£2.69 for a character that's ALREADY IN THE DAMN GAME? Sure......

So it was I figured I'd retreat from the realms of digital abuse back to the tabletop. It's been a bit of wait, but the Pacific Rim Heroclix are finally starting to become available. You'd have thought maybe getting the stuff on shelves whilst the film was still showing might have been a better idea, but I am not the king of marketing, so what do I know about anything? Anyway, having exhausted all other (legal) avenues for getting more Pacific Rim action I figured I'd grab the starter set. I mean, if nothing else it'd provide me with a couple of minis and an evenings entertainment, right?

Oh dear, oh dear oh dear. How could it all have gone so wrong?

Not Exactly X-Rated Action.

You've got to feel sorry for the developers of The Bureau: XCOM Declassified. Throughout the long and troubled production of the game they never really caught any breaks. No matter how good a game the final product may have actually ended up being, coming out and announcing an FPS Prequel to a beloved franchise to the internet was never going to end well.

This is not marketing. This is SUICIDE.

And then after weathering the inevitable shitstorm all their thunder is suddenly stolen by the surprise announcement of a "proper" XCOM game. Which, unsurprisingly is VERY popular. And then they start scrambling around trying to be more like this new version. Because desperately aping whatever happens to be popular always works SO WELL. But they do it and they finish the game and then just before it's finally released, what happens?

MOTHERFUCKING CHICKEN LEGS HAPPENED.

The great big incredibly awesome expansion for Enemy Unknown is suddenly announced out of nowhere. And just like that nobody gives shit about The Bureau again.

Which, in all honesty is probably for the best.

Wild Knights, Hot Crazy Box

If you'll indulge me I'm going to be doing something a little different today. Generally speaking I try and keep things kinda general, or at least not overly technical. But today I feel like talking about a particular Yu-Gi-Oh card. And this, obviously, is going to get fairly specific. So if you're not all that into playing Yu-Gi-Oh then I guess there's a strong possibility that none of what I'm going to say will mean anything to you.

Just remember:

Now, having said all that, let's talk about Number 85: Crazy Box

Back In Black

If I had to describe Shadowrun Returns as a character class, I guess it would be a Dwarven Street Samurai.

Like this, only with streets.

It's good at what it does. It's slick, beefy and high tech. It get's the job done and gives you what you asked for in a professional manner. But at the end of the day you can't help but think that maybe it's a little on the short side.

Mashed Potatoes

Just a quick minis post as I somehow actually managed to get a couple of bits finished off last week. Honestly, I have no idea how it is I can never find the time to do stuff when you consider the simple fact that I never appear to be actually getting anything DONE.

Ah well, such is "life".

The Edge Of Reason

So, you may have noticed that I've been waxing lyrical on the subject of Pacific Rim lately. Funny story, but I'd just seen the movie and was all in the mood for more awesome Jaeger vs Kaiju type action, whilst simultaneously having 850 or so points on the xbox that needed to be finished up before microsoft switch over to real money transactions and put all the prices up. And guess what had just come out on the arcade?

No clues, just guess.

One might almost call it fate. Perhaps not quite a fate worse than death, but it's not honestly one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Pacific Rim Part 3: Weight And See

Are we still going on about Pacific Rim? STILL?

Fuck yeah we are.

In fact, we may even need a bigger blog.

Honestly, I haven't actually been this taken with a film in... I don't even KNOW how long. I've probably been to the cinema about as many times in the past 2 or 3 years as I've seen Pacific Rim.

And I've only been to see it TWICE as I'm writing this.

Yes, I know. Need to get out more. Whatever.

The thing is, as I believe I may have mentioned, the film is actually rather good. And thus it is that even after going for two whole posts talking about it I still find myself thinking of stuff I haven't mentioned yet. So let's get on with it shall we?

Pacific Rim Part 2: And Now For Something

Last time I talked a little about the parallels between Pacific Rim and Star Wars (at least the original movie). This time I want to get into some of the other various influences and inspirations in the film. Which is going to be a little tricky, because is this one film that is neither short on inspirations or shy about showing them off in the slightest.

So, given that my topic for the day is Pacific Rim and EVERYTHING, where should we start?

Perhaps in the place you'd least expect?

Pacific Rim Part 1: In The Footsteps Of Giants

Hey, you what time it is?

It's time to talk about Pacific Rim. Spoilers may or may not follow, but let's be honest here: If you haven't gone to see it by now you're obviously a terrible human being, so why should we care what you think?

Perfectly Ultimate Great.

I could give any number of reasons why it is my blogging output has been so lax of late, but if we're being brutally honest then it's going to mainly because of Yu-Gi-Oh.

And we all know just how brutal Honest can be in a game of Yu-Gi-Oh Am I right?

This is due in part to finally getting one of the DS games. Which is rather unfortunate as it rather derailed the post I was planning on what an awful, gimmicky system the DS actually is because I was to busy actually playing the damn thing to do anything else. Still, having finally completed the story mode I've been left thinking about Yu-Gi-Oh games in general. Their strengths, weaknesses and how they could be improved. And so it is that I find myself writing this article, in an attempt to design the Perfect Yu-Gi-Oh game.

SPOILER ALERT: It isn't this. Not even slightly.

Yet Another Minis Catch Up Post; Part 6968.3. Probably.

I have a theory. Some time back in the late 70s or early 80s a wargamer REALLY pissed off John Nathan Turner. I'm not sure what it was he did exactly, save that it must have been terrible. Terrible enough that JNT swore bloody vengeance on all painters of little metal people, from that time onwards. And in he waited, and plotted, and when the time was right he unleashed a torment such as the world had never seen before.

No, not that one. A DIFFERENT torment.

And thanks to that one nameless fool we're all still paying the price to this day. Because there will come a time in the life of everyone who shares both miniature painting and Doctor Who as hobbies when they suddenly realize that they're going to have to try and paint the 6th Doctor.

Wacky Race Wars

So then, Matt Smith recently announced he would be stepping down from Doctor Who. This news came as a great shock to pretty much no one who actually pays attention, since he has actually been doing it for 3 years now, and that's pretty much the average.

	Start	Finish	Duration
1st Doctor	1963	1966	3
2nd Doctor	1966	1969	3
3rd Doctor	1970	1974	4
4th Doctor	1974	1981	7
5th Doctor	1981	1984	3
6th Doctor	1984	1986	2
7th Doctor	1987	1989	2
8th Doctor	1996	1996	1
9th Doctor	2005	2005	1
10th Doctor	2005	2010	5
11th Doctor	2010	2013	3
AVERAGE			3.09

I even have the maths to prove it.

And of course, once the current Doctor announces he's leaving the rumor mill starts spinning faster than William Shakespeare in his grave after being told Michael Bay was rebooting Hamlet.

G.. O... F..U... C.. K... T..H..Y..S...E...L...F....

And what's interesting about that is, excepting specific names, we always end up having exactly the same discussion. Perhaps it's a testament to the lasting legacy of the The Mighty John Nathan Turner that, regular as clockwork, no sooner has a Doctors departure been announced than somebody somewhere will start a rumor that the next Doctor might be..... A WOMAN!!

Or even WORSE (depending on where exactly you fall on the hateful internet prick spectrum of bigotry) NOT EVEN WHITE!!

You know, like those dudes from the Power Of Kroll.

 The thing is, there is actually some interesting point to think about with the issues that get raised when these sort of questions come up. Sadly they're not ones that you can easily get any intelligent discussion about because this is, after all, the internet. Still, we can always have a go, can't we?

It's The Loneliest Number

There is a lot being said about the big reveal of the new Xbox around and about, as well you might expect. Not much of it is exactly positive. But really, there is at least one good thing I think we can all take away from this: 

In these times of financial hardship and economic uncertainty, it's certainly heartening to know that we are not going to buy ANY new consoles for a very long time.

Killing In The Name Of (Fanservice)

You know what I would never have predicted happening on an episode of Doctor Who in a million years? Something so weird, so bizarre, just coming crashing in out of left field and yet being so truly, undeniably brilliant?

THIS.

Seriously. Who could have ever have seen that one coming?

It's A Type Of Goth, Isn't It?

To say that Nightmare In Silver was the episode I've anticipating most would be, in all honesty, a lie. That was Cold War. But to say that it's an episode I've been anticipating with a strange mix of keen interest and vague dread would be fairly spot on.

See, the problem with the Cybermen in the new series is, as I'm fairly sure I've mentioned at least once, that there simply hasn't actually been a really good Cyberman story. There have been a couple of decent stories with Cybermen in, but that's not really the same thing. Indeed, it's quite telling that the best use of them has been as incidental bit parts in episodes like The Pandorica Opens or A Good man Goes To War.

Not to mention the fact that everything's better with Rory.

So it was that I'd been steadily hoping for a really decent Cyberman story for a long, long time. That Neil Gaiman was to be writing this episode was a good sign. That it was going to shoehorn in a pair of irritating child characters was.... less so. It's not so much that I'm against the inclusion of child characters in stories at all. It's more that we already did a pair of siblings who couldn't act for toffee if their lives depended on it back in The Twin Dilemma. And look how well that turned out.

Some days death by embolism really does seem like the best option.

And so it comes as not only a pleasure but a positive relief to report that Nightmare In Silver is actually pretty damn good. 

Renaissance Chair

There are a few things one could say about The Crimson Horror as an episode. You could say it's solid. You could say it's actually quite good. You could EVEN say it's got Galvatron in it. You wouldn't be wrong on any of these counts.

No, really. This totally happened.

But for all the praise one could heap upon the episode it also has to be said that it does, sadly, leave a slightly bitter taste in one's metaphorical brainmouth.

Effects on one's LITERAL brainmouth should, of course, be directed to the correct franchise.

But we'll get into that a bit later. First let's talk about sex with lizards.

Better Second House

Journey To The Center Of The TARDIS is a tricky episode to review. It's one of those provocative titles, one that if we're honest will never really measure up to the promise of the ideas it conjures in our minds. Not that this will ever stop us complaining of course. We're fans, that's what we do. I suppose bitching about episodes of our favorite shows on the internet is the closest we'll ever get to hatefucking anything.

Still, whilst I can easily say that the episode was not nearly as much as I was hoping for, neither was it honestly as bad as my initial impression.

What Are You Doing In That Piano?

I think that possibly my favorite time in any series of Doctor Who is part where all the pre-season hype has more or less run out, and we stop having any real clue as to what's going to be happening in the next episode. There will be a big fuss over the first few episodes of a series, and various tidbits will leak out, but eventually all that will plateau and we'll get some genuine mystery happening before the build up to the finale.

This feels like the point we've reached now with Hide. Which is kinda weird when you think about it. I mean, there wasn't really anything in the way of major spoilers for The bells Of St John or The Rings Of Akhaten. The nearest we've really had was the fact we knew there were Ice Warriors in Cold War. And the fact that the next episode is called Journey To The Center Of The TARDIS is in itself a bit of a giveaway. But still...

What I suppose I'm driving at here is the simple fact that they I was going into this episode without much in the way of preconceptions. Which, as I've discussed previously, is always a good thing. So, how would I rate this tale of ethereal terror and ghostly happenings?

All things considered, it's surprisingly solid.

Feeling Hot (Hot, Hot)

When it comes to new Doctor Who, one of the greatest problems comes not from anything in the program itself, but ones own expectations. Particularly if you're a long term beardy grognard fanboy. Like me. It's sometimes quite possible to be dislike an episode simply because it wasn't what you WANTED it to be, without really paying due consideration to what it actually IS. A good example of this is perhaps Closing Time. An episode that I wanted to be an awesome Cyberman story, and couldn't really appreciate properly until I realized it was actually a buddy comedy episode that just happened to have Cybermen in it.

I mention all this by way of introduction to the subject of Cold War. An episode that I most certainly had high hopes for. The return of the Ice Warriors has been something I've been looking forward to for quite a while. And while the memory may or not cheat the fact is that often the picture I have in my head of how a particular monster should work is not always the same as that of the actual production team.

But you know what? Cold War is basically everything I could have wanted for an Ice Warrior episode.

Except maybe more of this.

In Space Everyone Can Hear You Sing.

The Rings Of Akhaten is a surprisingly challenging episode to review. There are episodes that are clearly brilliant. There are episodes that are, in all honesty, pretty shite. But there's not many that somehow manage to be some shades of both at the same time. Sure, there are stories that are good but have their flaws, just as there episodes that are flawed but have their good points. But somehow Rings seems to transcend these usual strictures to become something new. It's fairly objectively bad, and the what little plot it has quickly falls apart into nonsensical mush. But somehow it remains fairly enjoyable despite all this. Remind you of anything?

Oh yeah, I went there.

A Game Far, Far Away...

So, to the surprise of absolutely no-one and intensely bitter disappointment of absolutely everyone it was announced the other day that Disney have decided to close Lucasarts. At least as a development studio. This has the result that 1313, the most promising Star Wars game in a long time, is now basically dead in the water. There is yet some slim hope, as it was stated that Lucasarts will be turned into some sort of licencing entity. So it's just barely possible that the various titles they had in development may yet be farmed out to other studios. Although I don't really see this as particularly likely. After all, the Star Wars licence is not going to come cheap. How many outfits have both the money to make it happen and the talent to do it well? EA? That'd be like hiring a rabid zombie rottweiler as a babysitter: you've really got no one to blame but yourself when you come home and find all the guts ripped out. Maybe Bethesda if they could get over their fetish for making the menus in everything they've ever published incomprehensibly BAD. And Gearbox certainly owes the world of franchised science fiction games a massive karmic debt. But really that just raises up the spectre of Duke Nukem Forever. A highly anticipated game that eventually had to be bought up by another studio to actually get finished and released. And look how well that went.

I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out of ass.

My Ding-A-Ling

And so, at long last Doctor Who returns to our screens again. And, since I am allegedly a fan of Doctor Who that can only mean one thing: To relentlessly nitpick the most trivial details in each episode and generally act in fashion that does not generally correlate with actually having enjoyed the show at all. let's get started shall we?

Ban This Sick Filth

Recently I finally got a new PC. This had been a long, long time coming. But I finally felt the time was right because, well...

Your numbers are irrelevant. My PC is shaped like the TARDIS, thus clearly superior.

Now, in the past whenever I've gotten a new PC, upgraded, re-installed or otherwise fiddled with it there have always been 2 things that I'd immediately do: Install Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds and Diablo 2. However this time was different. One of the things I'd been noting over the last year or so was the remarkable number of really rather awesome looking games in the Diablo mould being quietly developed by various studios. Games that were steadily rendering the notion of ever having to resort to buying Diablo 3 even more irrelevant than Torchlight had already. Grim Dawn looked pretty cool, but was not yet easily accessible. However there was one other that I'd seen some interesting things about that had piqued my interest. And thus I resolved to give Path Of Exile a quick whirl just to test out the new machine.

Behind With The Times Part 2: In Sssspace No One Can Hear You....

It's a sad fact that these days my miniatures pipeline is, for want of a better phrase, woefully constipated. Thus it is that I find myself posting these catch ups. Which themselves are also hardly regular. What can I say? All those video games are hardly going to play themselves now are they?

But what's interesting about this is that I've got a few bit's and bobs that I've been planning and procrastinating over for months that suddenly find themselves relevant. Perhaps it's serendipitous. Point is I FINALLY finished my goddamn Ice Warrior conversions.

An Unfortunate Report

Anyone who knows me will say one of two things. Either they'll tell you that they are in fact an imaginary penguin and question how it is you're even talking to them, or they'll tell you that I likes me a bit of Yu-Gi-Oh.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Thus it's with a heavy heart that I have to report that the new Yu-Gi-Oh! Decade Duels Plus game isn't actually very good.

Behind With The Times Part 1: Into The Shadows

Hey, you know what I haven't posted in ages? Aside from anything good? Minis stuff. There is of course a perfectly good reason for this, it's called Skyrim. But despite being trapped in a hellish digital purgatory of bugs and inventory management I have managed to work on a few bits on & off over the past few months.

So let's see if we can't try and catch up with some of my Shadowrun conversions.

Monster Mash Part 3: Fast Return Switch

So, we've already talked a bit about the hierarchy of monsters in Doctor Who, and discussed some of what makes those recurring foes unique (or sometimes not). But what about the remaining panoply of foes? Where should they next look for a classic to resurrect?

Obviously they should look to me. Because I'm clearly the worlds foremost expert on these things. I also don't use sarcasm, because I don't know what it is.

What is sarcasm?

X & Violence Part 12: Generation Gap

Stumbleupon is handy service to have for when your bored, serving up random things on a variety of topics. But if there's one thing that's REALLY been getting on my tits it's the tendency for about 90% of the Video Game pages it brings up to consist of wild rumours and unfounded speculation about the next generation of consoles.

Now, I realize that 90% of the internet is founded on wild rumors and unfounded speculation. At least in terms of the small amount of it that isn't porn. But that's a whole different argument. No, today I want to ask one simple question:

What exactly is it that's wrong with the current generation of consoles?

Oh yeah...

Monster Mash Part 2: One Of These Things Is Just Like The Others.

In our last instalment I talked a little about the big monsters of Doctor Who. The ones that kept coming back. But there was one thing about this scant handful of monsters that I never really got into: What it is that makes them unique. And more worryingly, what it is that makes them same.

I should probably warn you know, I'm going to be doing yet more bitching about Asylum Of The Daleks in this post.

Monster Mash Part 1: Legend Of The Four Things

Like all right thinking people I most heartened at the recent announcement that the Ice Warriors would at long last be returning to the world of televised Doctor Who. They are, after all, a great monster with a surprising amount of depth considering how little they've been used. That they will be back in a story by Mark Gatiss is quite promising. I mean, yeah Night Terrors. But everyone has an off day. That said story will be featuring David Warner is a fantastic prospect. Even if it does give one a slight sense of Deja Vu.

One of these days I need to do a list of all the stuff Big Finish did first.

However, there was something else that rather caught my attention in the announcement:

...Traditionally seen as one of the show’s “Big Four” pantheon of monsters – along with the Daleks, the Cybermen and the Sontarans...

And as much as I love the Ice Warriors (I.E. carnally) I cannot help but ask. ORLY?

Pornguard: Postnatal Postmortum

Well, that was different. I'm not sure what it was I expected from this book, selected as it was for a tangential video game connection and the relative Sanchosity of its cover. But I certainly wasn't expecting to actually enjoy the story.

Hell, I wasn't even expecting there to BE a story.

Pornguard Final Amendment: A Grand Declaration Of Rape

War.... War never changes™.

Although in this particular case the preparations may seem a little... Unconventional. What with all the boning..

Pop quiz! Which one is giving the hand job, and which one is receiving it?

Pornguard Section 6: Hitting The Fan

This.... This isn't going to be pleasant. I just feel I should warn you up front. Things are going to get.... UNSEXY. Be ready.

Pornguard Section Five: Turn To The Cock Side

With out hero missing, presumed raped, the exposition has been coming thick and fast for our increasingly bloated heroine. What's been refreshing is that it hasn't felt particularly forced so far either.

Make your own damn joke about being forced to come thick and fast, I haven't the energy right now.

But all good things must come to an end.  The main problem is that I'd really been hoping he'd just show up to save the day or something, she'd ask how he escaped from all those guards and he'd simply reply:

"With my cock"

And then the next 3 chapters would just him staring at her.

Although to be fair that wouldn't be all that different from normal.

Pornguard Fourth Installment: Womb Service

You may recall how we ended the last instalment with our intrepid hero butt naked in a magical love cave surrounded by a crack squad of burly soldiers with unsheathed weapons. A better set up I could not ask for.  In a situation like this the comedy writes itself, thus freeing up my mind and other hand to concentrate on the more interesting aspects of the situation.

So imagine my disappointment when the entirety of the next three chapters focussed solely on Binto and her wonderful holiday at the castle of ultimate evil.

GODDAMNIT

Pornguard Chapter 3: Feeling A Little Horse (Cock)

It is an unfortunate but seemingly constant truth in the realms of "romantic" fiction that the characters invariably cannot make up their minds what it is exactly they want to do with their various genitals.

This is, I suppose something similar to way the heroes would be captured, escape, and then immediately be recaptured in so much 1960's Dr Who. After all, if they just got straight to the point the whole thing would be over in about 5 pages. Only with more cocks.

So, basically like this.

Pornguard Episode 2: Smells Like Teen Spirit. Also Cocks.

When we left of last time our intrepid hero had infiltrated his way into a young womans home with nebulous threats and a throbbing erection. Anyone else wondering how that's gonna turn out?

Pornguard Part The First: Got Wood?

I'm going to be honest with you up front. I really have no idea how this particular series is going to turn out. Partly this is because the limited portion of the book I've read so far actually has the makings of a pretty decent fantasy tale. But mostly it's because going by the first chapter the hero might actually be secretly gay.

What do you suppose he's DOING in there?

The Shape Of Things To Come (Is Phallic)

It's been on my mind for a while now that I need some sort of project to encourage me to spend a bit more time away from the demon video games and actually generate some posts for this blog. I have, after all, been somewhat lax in my updating schedule over the past year. So thinking back over the sort of things I'd done in the past to what I'd had the most enjoyment out of and best reaction too, I quickly found myself coming to a rather unfortunate conclusion. Luckily for me though it's not like that particular series of books seems to be continuing. This is a blessing for both literature and sanity to be sure, but also for common decency. The truth is after recapping all three turgid volumes of the Shadow Guard trilogy I was starting to feel like I was picking on the author.

In my mind she looks like this. Only without the same literary talent.

And Yeti It Moves

Old school. That's the first thing that comes to mind after watching the latest Doctor Who Christmas special. Whilst undoubtedly a modern style episode, it is also one that is replete with old school flourishes. Almost redolent with tributes to the programs long and storied past. And yet never in an awkward, self indulgent way. No terrifying mess of 60's continuity problems dressed up like a script. Indeed, even with frozen motif this is about as far away from Attack Of The Cybermen as it's possible to get.

And let's be honest, that's hardly a bad place to be.

WHY MUST I BE?!?!?