Evening Wood

It's funny, but one of the things I particularly loved about this past series of Doctor Who was the way that some of the stories subtly evoked the Curse Of Fenric in various ways. Nothing overt, just these little nods in theme and tone that, in all probability, only overanalytical fanboys with too much time on their hands such as myself would ever misread into the proceedings. It's interesting then that The Doctor, The Widow And The Wardrobe begins with an oblique reference to a past story.

The only problem is that this time it's Four To Doomsday.

I find your lack of oxygen disturbing.

2011. Apparently.

At the end of the year there are always two important tasks that must be performed. Firstly of course we must review our accounts to see if we managed to actually save any money this year. Then, after that we must take what little it is we did save and blow it all on the stuff that we didn't actually get for christmas.

It's at this point however that I also remember that I'm meant to be writing up a review of yet another year in rampant consumerism, as is apparently traditional around these parts. As ever, the following list is based on what I personally have discovered and experienced in the past year, with very little correlation to actual release dates or objective standards of taste.

CR4

That's right class, today we will be talking about Owlbears. Now, you may well ask "Why Owlbears?". But then that's my point entirely.

The Green, The Brown And The Ugly

Hey, you remember my last post on Doctor Who minis/ Where I tried to talk about painting Cybermen but could only really come out with " MOAR SILVER HERP DERP!!"

Guess how you paint Ice Warriors?

Quose Enquounters

So anyway, I picked up a copy of Quarriors at Dragonmeet the other week. I very nearly didn't though. It was, generally speaking a pretty shitty day. Having half the bloody tube closed was bad enough, but then they also decided to inject the entire population into the ramped confines of the remaining tunnels, presumably just for shits and giggles. Needless to say that by the time we even got there I was already wishing I'd never gotten out of bed and basically just planning to sulk for a few hours and then go home. I'm mature like that.

However, just by passing chance I joined in a demo game of Quarriors, and found that it seemed to be rather fun. This is despite losing in the most miserable fashion. Although to be fair that did rather suit my state of mind at the time. Since I'd bought hardly anything else that day I thought screw it, and blew the last of my money on the game straight after the demo game finished. was somewhat fortuitous as we actually left about 5 minutes after that, since the game that I was waiting for my companion to finish running had actually not happened due to someone buggering around with the tables. As I said, not a great day.

However, they do say every cloud has a silver lining. Personally I think this is bullshit, as that would clearly make them to heavy so stay up, but I'm digressing quite severely again. I wanna talk about this goddamn game.

Which is different from a Godman game. Although that would also be awesome.

From The Crypt

Having been playing D&D recently I was inspired to strip down some of my old Warhammer miniatures and have another crack at them. You may not immediately see the connection between D&D and Warhammer, but basically it boils down to not wanting to blow all my cash on a bunch of new minis when I have piles of potentially serviceable stuff kicking around.

Actually, it's not even a question of wanting. I'd much rather get a bunch of shiny new bits, but don't really have the time or money. So since these are sitting around I may as well knock out a few in between gaming sessions.

What The Hell Is The Plural Of Nemesis Anyway?

So yeah, I've been painting Cybermen.

Awesomesaurus

If you've ever looked at people discussing the whole miniatures painting hobby online you'll have inevitably seen those posts where someone walks you through the process of building and painting some great project, with lots of pictures of the work in progress so you can see how everything came together.

This is not one of those posts. Not quite anyway. The sad truth is I didn't actually think to start writing up any of mini painting shenanigans until a while after I'd finished this guy off. I suppose in a way it was thinking about how that could have made a good post that actually prompted me to start doing it all. So much for hindsight.

So, has anyone else ever heard of a Doctor Who novel called Blood Heat? It doesn't really matter if you haven't. The novel itself was okay, but all you really need to know for the purposes of this article is that it features the Silurians (who are one of my favorite monsters) and the cover looks like this:

I think you can see where this is going.

Rue The Line

So, chapter 2 in the painting of Shadowrun minis saga. Which I admit is less a saga and more of a miniseries. But I've been busy with other things, so sue me. I will get around to doing more at some point. But not until after I've recovered from painting this last lot.

The other blister pack I picked up on ebay after the Angels Of Death was a set of Black ICE Icons. These, I confess, enthused me initially a lot more than the angels. I had a great idea for how to paint them. Since they were all blocky and angular and from the internet I'd do them up up like wireframe models!

You know what I said last time about finding 25MM a tricky scale to work in? Yeah, should have thought that through a little more really shouldn't I?

To Rapidly Perambulate With A Noticeable Absence Of Illumination

Shadowrun then. I loves me some Shadowrun. Not that I ever really got to play it all that much outside of the SNES game, but I've always loved the setting and have quite a few of the novels. So, having completed various other mini painting projects I realized that, holy shit, I could try painting some Shadowrun minis!

So a quick trip to ebay later and I secured myself a couple of blisters. First up are the Angels Of Death...

But Is It Canon?

Well, yes, in manner of speaking. Several times. I have just returned from Kanon X Kanons gig at the O2 Academy. Or at least in a bit of it. I never knew that they had a super special secret extra bit hidden away. About the size of the Underworld I guess, but less grotty.  It was a bit surprising to find the gig in this smaller area. It was also a surprise just how far up the queue I was when I arrived. I was expecting there to be a lot more people, but then I was also expecting it to be in the normal place. This is of course all fantastic news. You can't beat this sort of set up in my opinion. I t makes for a special sort of gig, far more intimate and friendly than you'd ever get in a big venue.

And this was certainly a special gig. Very special and rather unusual. It's not everyday an artist plays a concert as their own support band. The evening was split into 3 acts. Firstly Kanon Wakeshima played some of her own songs. Then Kanon from An Cafe came out and DJ'd for a bit. Finally Kanon X Kanon finished of the evening. As I said, kind of odd. Whilst Kanon Wakeshima has a couple of albums of her own material, Kanon X Kanon only has a couple of singles. However, since it features 2 famous musicians it does have the greater star power. And let's be honest, there's not many bands that could pull of a full European tour on the back of five songs. One of which they didn't even play. But I digress, how did it go?

First up was the delightful Miss Wakeshima herself. She was, of course, quite adorable. Having said that though, I never before realized just how bad ass playing the Cello can actually look. It's like all that fiddly guitar stuff, only writ large. I don't know why more metal bands don't employ  a Cellist. Not that her music could really be described as metal. Suffice to say she started with the haunting gothic tones of Still Doll, and finished up with the ridiculously cheery bounce of Princess Charleston. Needles to say I was a happy bunny.

After this it was Mr Kanons turn, playing a selection of his favorite anime themes. I must confess that aside from a weird mix of a Kotoko song from Kannazuki No Miko there wasn't much I recognized. Although I do now have a list of new shows to check out thanks to the video projection of the various shows openings or closings. Of course he finished with an An Cafe track. But Kakusei Heroism is an awesome track, so who's going to argue?

It was after this that the REALLY strange part of the show happened. A somewhat protracted introduction to the art of Otage from 2 animated characters and a rather strange gentleman clad in a spandex grey alien costume was projected upon the screen. Otage is, apparently, an ancient japanese nerd technique of dancing incredibly badly but with great enthusiasm. This equally baffling and hilarious. And whilst it did go on a bit the purpose was quite clearly to buy time to get ready for the main event. It really can't be all that easy supporting yourself like this.

But after this rather unexpected interlude both Kanons took to the stage, resplendent in their outfits from the Calendula Requiem video. They busted out everything except Umigami Soup, which got used in part as the intro. Filling out the set were a couple of unexpected covers. Firstly A track from Sailor Moon, which I admit I only really realised when Mr Kanon jumped out dressed as Tuxedo Mask, and then a Hatsune Miko track. Which of course I only know thanks to the projector showing the leek wielding character in question. The final track was Koi No Dotei, during which Mr Kanon exemplified the previously discussed Otage dancing with terrifying gusto and a good time was had by all. They even came out and played it again for an encore. Which was both nice of them and pretty compelling evidence that they really should look at actually recording a full album soon.

As I said, a rather unusual evening. But certainly a most enjoyable one. The band were friendly and engaging, taking the time to shake hands with pretty much everyone at the front of the stage several times. What they lacked in flash and budget (there's only so much you can do with 2 people and a macbook) they made up in heart. All things considered this tour has been quite an impressive achievement.

Now, if they could just start work on that album...

Minis Catch Up Part 9: Monster Mash

Meanwhile, in the world of Doctor Who miniatures....

Minis Catch Up Part 8: For Science!

One of the few advantages to posting my various minis in this conglomerated fashion rather than at the actual time they were done is that we can try to compare some similar pieces. For example the Moonfleet scientists.

Minis Catch Up Part 7: I Am The Black Wizards

It's not quite all Doctor Who and Sci-Fi. I admit, it's MOSTLY that. But not entirely. I've managed to squeeze in a few fantasy type pieces in.

Minis Catch Up Part 6: A Miscellaneous Interlude.

Now, it should be said that I haven't JUST been painting Doom and Doctor Who miniatures. Oh no. Sometimes I also paint things to go WITH Doom or Doctor Who miniatures.

Minis Catch Up Part 5: Who Do You Love?

Having made a start on some of the monsters of Doctor Who in miniatures form, what was the next logical step?

Minis Catch Up Part 4: The Cave Monsters

So, we'd finished up the Doom minis at long last, and needed a new project. I'd managed to prove to myself that I could actually still paint, and I was actually quite enjoying the hobby. Which is, let's face it, rather the point of having a hobby. Taking to the internets I searched about for something new that appealed. What I really wanted to paint was some of the old Doctor Who miniatures. But they didn't still make those did they?

OH HELL YEAH THEY DO.

Minis Catch Up Part 3: Hexpansion.

In our last installment we finished up the pieces from DOOM: The Boardgame. Well, almost anyway. Because as the presence of the chainsaw weilding marines may have indicated we still have the monsters from the expansion to go. So let's get started.

Minis Catch Up Part 2: I'm To Young To Dye

A tenuous pun at best, but whatever. Continuing where the last post left off let's get on with the next installment of DOOM minis, shall we?

Minis Catch Up Part 1: Knee Deep In The Lead

Well, plastic actually. But why let that stand in the way of a terrible pun?

It had been a long, long time since I'd done any painting. And I can't say I really had any plans to take up the hobby again. That is until I managed to pick up a copy of DOOM: The Boardgame. I was looking for something with a kind of Space Crusade vibe, and from what I'd read it fit the bill quite nicely. After managing to snap up a copy of the game and expansion on ebay we gave it a whirl and it proved to be an instant hit. Even though my players have yet to beat the first scenario. But there was I, with a big pile of pretty good minis for a game that everyone enjoyed playing. What was I going to do?

Once more unto the breach and all that. or at least once more unto the ebay for some supplies.

From The Dark Arse

It occurs to me that I have of late been somewhat reticent in my postings. Which is nothing overly new to be honest. There's always some periods where one is more compelled to wax poetic than others. However it has to be said that my energies have of late been largely focused on other pursuits.

Firstly of course there has been the ongoing regime of Wii fit exercise. Or "Suffering" as I prefer to call it. You'd be surprised just how much walking up and down imaginary stairs for an hour a day can really fuck up ones schedule. But at least I can do it whilst watching Doctor Who, so I guess that's something.

The next pressing concern has been my ongoing attempts to sort and catalog my collection of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. This isn't nearly as straightfoward as you'd think. And wouldn't even be an issue if there was actually some supported database for the damn game. You know, like pretty much every other CCG ever. But since the best option is about 6 YEARS out of date I was left with no option but to begin building a needlessly complicated spreadsheet of my own. One day I might even finish the raw data entry and actually get on with some proper deck building functions.

So far so boring, but the other thing that's been occupying my time is mini painting. This is something I used to back in the day when I was young and Games Workshop wasn't just full of kids who aren't any older than I was back when I was collecting GW stuff. Honestly, what's that all about? But anyway, the point is that I have, after a long absence, once more taken up the brush. And, shockingly, I don't actually seem to suck as much as used to. Some stuff has actually come out okay. And it occurs to me that this is something I really should be blogging about. I'm no expert, and nothing I produce will be as good as the stuff you see on some peoples blogs, but that's not the point. As long as I enjoy doing it I might as well make the effort to write about it. And you never know, I might even improve slightly.

So, over the course of the next few posts I'm going to try and catch up with the gallery of things I've been doing this year. All of which already exist on the google+, but none of which I've yet taken the time to put up here. Which, quite frankly, is just silly.

Now The Reboot's On the Other Foot

You know, it occurs to me that, having a viking from space, in a crypt, being eaten alive by skulls, Doctor Who has never been quite so phenomenally METAL.

I'm pretty sure Behemoth had a video like this.

Bitey The Bullet

Closing Time is an... interesting episode. There's a lot of good stuff in there to be fair. However there are also certain elements in there that I have personally gone on record several time railing against. Indeed, after the first time I watched it I came away feeling a little disappointed. Rewatching it I came to realize that much of this dissatisfaction came from my own expectations and preconceptions. It's silly to judge on episode on what it wasn't rather than what it is. After all, even if it isn't good it's still bad.

Luckily, for all it's faults, this is no Fear Her. But still, what was the problem?

A Complex Delusion

There are many things about the God Complex that I wasn't expecting. That's part of the advantage of avoiding spoilers. I was expecting the Minotaur. After all, he's been in all the promo pictures. But I wasn't expecting the Horns Of Nimon reference. Nor was I expecting another nod to Curse Of Fenric. I mean, twice in one season? Who knew?

But of course the main thing that I think no one was expecting was the way it ended.

This Is What We've Been Waiting For

I'm pretty sure that I've previously mentioned Steven Moffats apparent and somewhat disturbing prediliction for having his main characters repeatedly killed off. This really doesn't look like a habit that's going to get broken any time soon.

Sorry, does that count as a spoiler? I would have thought you'd realise that "Someone Dies" is pretty much par for the course these days. I mean, it's the whole POINT of this series. And anyway, why would you have not watched it by now? It's a goddamn week later. The only reason it's taken me this long to start writing it up is that the Wii Fit is trying to kill me.

So, anyway. What did we think of The Girl Who Waited (to fucking die).

Guys & Dolls

Night Terrors held a lot of promise. This has so far been a pretty strong series overall, with a dark and creepy atmosphere as almost the default setting. The idea of taking all those childhood fears and projecting them through the lens of Mark Gattis' writing onto the shifting tapestry of horrors that is series 6 seemed like a sure fire recipe for success.

Still, can't win them all can we?

Blasphemy

Okay, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I think it's time to remake Star Wars.

Now, this isn't a decision that I've come to lightly. After all, if there's one thing any right minded sentient life form can agree on it's that remakes almost universally suck balls. And everyone likes Star Wars, right?

Well, nearly everyone. Hello George. Yes, we are talking about you. Again.

Everything's Better With Hitler

Spoiler, spoilers, spoilers. Although really, if you're not watching Doctor Who at this point I really question what it is you're doing with your life.

Anyway, let's talk about Let's Kill Hitler shall we?

Kinda, Maybe, Sort Of.

So, not so long ago I finally got around to watching Kinda. It's an episode I've been interested to see for a while. I'd heard interesting things about it. That it was a bit odd, that it was a great story for Tegan, that it had a rubbish snake at the end.

And in many ways these are all true. It IS a bit of an odd story, with the Doctor and company pushed to the periphery whilst the script desperately tries to analogise a great profound SOMETHING. It's clearly meant to be about something, but I'll be buggered if I could say what.

Now, I have to confess I've always found the character of Tegan a little.... grating. She seems to just sort of hang around complaining a lot but never really doing anything. Like Martha in the new series I get the impression that nobody ever really knew what to actually do with the character. So, I was intrigued by the possibility of a piece that does something with the character. I have to say though that it wasn't quite what I was expecting. Rather than all the interesting possession stuff I had been led to believe they basically just put her to sleep for most of the story. Which, baring in mind that Nyssa already took one look at the script and went back to bed does leave us with an awful lot of Adric to contend with. The scary possession part is reduced to throwing apples at a man in a sarong (draughty) and 15 minutes of....

Which I admit is quite atmospheric and creepily staged, but I really did think the poor girl would have something more to do.

Then of course, we come to the Mara itself. Now, I know that the story has taken some flak for the realisation of the snake, but frankly I think that's rather unfair. As giant snakes on an 80s Doctor Who budget go I think it's actually pretty good.

SNAAAKE!! Snake! It's a Snake!!

No, the problem with the Mara is what a totally ineffectual monster it is. It achieves absolutely NOTHING, and is about as involved with the actual threat as Nyssa. Who, if you'll remember is enjoying some quite time alone in the TARDIS with the Doctors sonic oscillator. To "help her sleep". Draw your own conclusions on that.

Pass me the Phallic Screwdriver. Now go away.

Anyway, so The Mara possesses Tegan for about 5 minutes and gets lipstick on her teeth. Then it possesses sarong boy and gets lipstick on his teeth. Then it enacts it's evil plan to build a pretend robot out of sticks and get shot.

BY ADRIC.

I'm sorry, but when bloody ADRIC is kicking your ass you really need to rethink your career choices. Maybe try something in accountancy instead. Oh, wait, he'll kick your ass there as well. Anyway, the point is that for all the building up of the Mara as a big scary threat monster it doesn't actually present any danger at all. I mean, we're shown terrible visions of what will happen if the Mara is let loose, but how do they go?

Ummm..... 'kay?

The point is that the monster is completely irrelevant to the story, except as a distraction to pad things out to 4 episodes. The real danger is inside the dome as Hindle goes TOTALLY BATSHIT. He's the one that's planning on killing everyone. And that's all FANTASTIC. He's properly scary as he looses his grip on reality and becomes a steadily increasing danger to himself and everyone around him. But he does it all on his own. The snake isn't involved. There isn't even the merest hint the Mara had the slightest input. And the couldn't be, since he starts cracking up long before the Mara even bothers to turn up.

I guess what I'm driving at is that existentialist performance theatre isn't really much of a galactic threat.

Let's Play World Of Warcraft Postlude

There is, as far as I can see, only one real problem with World Of Warcraft:

It's not very good.

Really, there's just something about it that doesn't quite work on any level. Whilst it's not totally unplayable or anything it's just.....

Bland. Dull. Unexciting. Take your pick. The game is there, but that's about all. At no point did I feel particularly engaged in any aspect. Including my stated goal of simply mocking it. Whilst to start with I figured that doing this write up series would give me a few cheap and easy laughs, at the end of the day it was just more work than it was worth trying to wring comedy from the desolation of the game world. It turns out that there actually IS a limit to how many "kill 10 rats" jokes you can make.

This is perhaps part of the problem. Going through the small portion of the game I did nothing ever rose beyond the the level of fetch or kill D10 of whatever. There was no real sense of any story, or progression, or... well, ANYTHING. The only reason you move from place to place is that the quest givers where you are have slipped into a state of catatonia from the mind numbing dullness of the quests they're giving out. There is not even the slightest illusion of anything you do having even a marginal impact on any aspect of the world around you.

Now, to be fair, fetch and kill quests are (for good or ill) the meat of pretty much all MMOs to at least some degree. However one of the key things in making an MMO actually playable is how well they disguise this fact. Slap some half decent story and characterisation over the top and you'd hardly notice. Guild Wars achieves this possibly best of any MMO I've played, leading you from mission to mission and giving you objectives and challenges in the storyline. World Of Warcraft..... Didn't. At all. The only comparable games I can think of that are quite so nakedly grind based are those cheap looking free to play jobs that have been (mostly) translated from Korean by running the text fields through babelfish. Warcraft is slightly more polished it's true, but that's about all.

Of course, just being grindy isn't exactly the worst crime either. After all, if you've got a fun combat system it can be quite entertaining to chainsaw your way through hordes of enemies for an evening. Sadly Warcraft falls down here as well. Combat essentially goes:

10 find enemy
20 try and get the shitty targeting to lock on
30 press 1
40 press 2
50 press 3
60 GOTO 10

After a while you may unlock the ability to, in particular circumstances, press 4. It was not exactly what you'd call dynamic is all I'm saying.

At the end of the day, even when I'd actually committed myself to writing a series on the experience, even when I had a lot of free time stuck at home with very little to do, even then I had a lot better things to do with my time than play WOW. As guilty as I am of playing FAR TO MUCH of a variety of video games I just couldn't be bothered with it. And I've spent a frankly ridiculous amount of time writing up some books that cause me physical pain to even think about. I can't get that anyone would pay for the experience. Let alone sacrifice the levels of time and wallet that apparently they do. I'm aware of the possibility that maybe things get more interesting at some ill defined point down the line, but I really can't understand how you'd get that far. There are just so many other things you could be doing that would be more entertaining.

When I did this for Guild Wars I played right up until my trial expired. And then I bought the game. Although I was poking some fun I was also enjoying the experience. This time around I actually found myself avoiding playing and hoping that the the 10 day trial had expired already so wouldn't have try for another installment. I think that sums it up quite well.

The Seeker

One of the wonderful things on blogger are the statistics. Now, I don't get many visitors of course, but it can still be fun to see what it is that leads the few happless souls who do stumble into my little corner of the blogotroplis.

It's always kinda wierd looking at the keywords, seeing how some random thing that I tangentally mentioned can suddenly spike som hits. And, given the someone eccentric nature of my discourse I have of course recieved some rather odd search impressions. But then this morning I'm idly looking at crap and wondering if I actually did mention My Melody directly in that comic con post when I find THIS:

No, I'm not typing it out. There are some things that should not be encouraged.

I MEAN WHY?!?!

Firstly, why is anyone actually searching for that in the first place? I mean, I know it's the internet, but come on. Really? Secondly, and I feel more importantly, why the hell is my blog showing up under that search? What exactly is it I've done to deserve this?

Oh. Yeah. Right. Could be.

Goddamnit.

Let's Play World Of Warcraft Chapter 6: Shitness Protection Program

Assuming that the pills haven't kicked in yet, you'll recall that our last instalment found my embroiled in the madcap shenanigans of a fish obsessed zombie midget pedophile. Which I must confess is not quite where I saw myself ending up when all this started. Life is full of these little surprises. And, since I don't particularly feel like being on the end of any little surprises wielded by whatever passes for the Murloc special victims unit I decide it's time to get the hell out of dodge. Checking through my list of fetching and carrying tasks that are apparently so vital no one else can actually be bothered to do any of them I notice I apparently have an appointment with some of the bigwigs. Most importantly it's far away from where I am right now. So off we trot to pastures new.

Oh yes, this is VERY different. But wait, what's this?

Elves? FUCKING ELVES?!?!

Well, this explains a lot. If those pointy eared bastards are in charge it's no wonder nothing ever gets done around here. An elf couldn't even organize a punch in the face. The fact that they receive so many is simply a heart warming testament to the generosity of strangers.

Anyway, apparently I'm just in time for an important meeting. Some Orcish bigwig has popped up to witness some important demonstration. Some pointy eared slag on a horse starts mouthing off about how she's now got the dark evil power of darkness and can now animate whole legions of new zombies. This is then demonstrated on a convenient nearby mass grave. And sure enough, the dead RISE...

And then promptly all fall over again 30 seconds later. As demonstrations of ultimate power over life and death go it does lack a certain something. Like a result. Anyway, Orc boy politely makes his excuses and leaves. Honestly I think he's got the right idea. it's not like there's anything else to around here apart from argue about whether or not the sixteen bears you just killed had the right sort of entrails. So, where next?

Well, I'll still need a disguise in case the cops manage to get a description out of any of those Murloc children, so I guess it's time to go shopping. Luckily I've got a free bat ticket to the undermall. I have to confess that I find the public transport here a little.... confusing. Not so much that it's all done by riding on giant bats. Anythings better than the bus after all. No, the odd thing is that they won't take you anywhere that you haven't already been. Which, in my humble opinion, seems like an odd way to run a business. Can you imagine booking a holiday and then being told that the tour company will only pick you up on the way back?

Still, if were to seriously expect ANYTHING to make even the slightest smidgen of logical sense in this place then I wouldn't be able to take three paces without my head exploding, so whatever. let's just get on the damn bat.

And so I flown over hill and dale, down a cave, through some tunnels before finally emerging in a radioactive sewer.

Lovely.

Still, it's not all bad news. Whilst poking around the fetid malodorous alcoves I run across a "hairdresser".

Just think about that for a second. True, the hair and nails continue to grow for a time after death. But to the extent that it would make economic sense to open up a barbers shop in a land populated exclusively by the dead? The mind boggles. Anyway, I'm not going to question it too much, as a shave & a headcut is just what I need right now.

And yes. I did mean it when I said HEADCUT.

 Now all I need is a new dress and they'll never recognize me. Let's see what's on offer.

Knitted sandals? KNITTED FUCKING SANDALS? I'm a goddamn mage in an allegedly fantasy setting, not some goddamn hippy on etsy. Fuck you, fuck your children, fuck you life. Just give me the goddamn dress.

I feel so pretty. Or at least I would if could figure out how to use the black dye I got with it. Bloody child proof caps.

Let's Play World Of Warcraft Chapter 5: You Are What You Eat (Dead Things)

Having at least temporarily assuaged my rampant base jumping urges in the last installment I suppose it's time to get back to the plot.

And this time it's a VEGETABLE PLOT.

You may recall that one part of the arbitrary list of things to steal and/or kill (delete as applicable) I was given were some pumpkins. Apparently there was actually a reason for this, which puts it up beyond most of the other crap I've been doing. Apparently we're going to infect the pumpkins with plague, and then give them back to the humans who won't be at all suspicious. This obviously far more sensible than, say, just injecting the pumpkins with plague serum in the fields. I mean, a rotting zombie come up to you all like "here frail human, take this totally normal pumpkin that has clearly not been tampered with in any way as a token of goodwill from the hordes of brain eating horrors that plot the downfall of mankind" what would YOU do?

Well I'll be damned. They ACTUALLY fall for it. Still, in many ways I suppose that makes sense. After all, the only sort of enemy force that could be locked in stalemate with whatever mentally challenged reprobates are running this around here is one that is even equally as stupid.

Wait, what?

Anyway, what's next on the list? Oh yes, the madwoman in the attic. Now, as you may be aware I spent a large amount of time recently jumping off a tower as that was infinitely more fun than whatever it was I actually supposed to be doing. At the top of the tower is a zombie woman in a cage.

Obviously. I mean, where else would you keep it? Anyway, I didn't mention her before as she wasn't exactly the most interesting soul to chat with. That is, the stuck up bitch wouldn't talk to me at all. Anyway, thing is I found a note about her on the body of a guard I landed on defeated in single combat that mentions little miss superior, so apparently I have to go check her out. Again. Even though I've already been up there like twenty times.

Whatever. Any excuse to go up the tower again. After finding out she's got her name in the papers her mood brightens enough for to actually put some effort into telling me to go away. Bitch wouldn't know gratitude if I beat her death with it. It's just as I'm trying to work out exactly how one might accomplish just this that a rather large and heavily armoured human captain stomps up the stairs and...

Walks straight past me.

I mean, there I am. Being a hideous abomination. In broad daylight. Right in front of him. But does he even notice? Nope. Unlike literally EVERY OTHER living being I've encountered he doesn't try to kill me on site. I'm not quite sure why it is this strikes me as offensive. Still, it's all academic as he wanders of to Bitchy McBetterthanyou and then promptly keels over dead.

Well, that was worth it then. Only one thing left to do know I guess.

WWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

My wanderings next take me (via killing X of Y for dubious reward) to the town of Brill. Much like the almost village I first encountered it only seems to have about 3 buildings. Only, you know, they're BIGGER.

It's here I pick up some work with the Royal Apothecary Society. Now, there does seem to be much royalty involved. Or indeed much in the way of actual apothecarizing. But we get to make virulent plagues out of dogs blood, so that's fun. Or would be if there was any. See, there's something up a little odd about the local canine population. Other than the fact that they apparently wear trousers. I am of course sent of to trudge the countryside killing dogs and collecting their blood. Only most of them don't even HAVE blood. They're like reverse vampires or something. The literal opposite of bloodhounds. It's all rather confusing really. I mean, what makes them go? Marmalade? Grass and woodchips? There's gotta be SOMETHING in there, right?

It's at whilst I'm trying to work this out that I suddenly instead learn how to summon a water elemental.

I'm... I'm not quite sure how I managed that. From dogs with no blood to harnessing the elemental forces of nature. Maybe it's just pretending to be a water elemental? Maybe it's actually a DOG BLOOD ELEMENTAL?

Anyway, having scraped up enough congealed filth from the corpse of dead dogs I nip back to town for another lesson in brewing plagues. I give the apothecary his shit. He pours it into a glass of beer and tells me to give it to the prisoner upstairs.

"Here frail dwarf, take this totally normal pint of ale that has clearly not been tampered with in any way as a token of goodwill from the hordes of brain eating horrors that plot the downfall of mankind".

And that's another dead bastard to add the pile. Seriously, it's like they WANT to die.

After a little more sodding around with some taller dogs in trousers I'm sent off to check in with another apothecary.

DUDE. I will kill X of whatever you like if I can have your hat. No? Screw you then. What about his power packed giant assistant?

Wait. What the hell are you supposed to be anyway? Why is there a gay dwarf painted green standing around in a field in the middle of the kingdom of the dead?

You know what? Don't answer that. What is it stumpy here needs doing anyway?

He.... He wants me to chase CHILDREN around. Not even children. BABIES. Little fish people babies. Who look like this:

I.E. ADORABLE. And I'm supposed to run around after them. Not even being properly evil and killing them in a black sacrifice to our master Satan or anything. Just chase them around until they pass out.

I think we now know why sexdwarf here is hiding out in corpse town. Who knew that Murlocs had their own version of Dateline?

Let's Play World Of Warcraft Chapter 4: Times 10 To The Power

Dear diary, guess what I did today? What's that? Kill things in multiples of 10?

However did you guess? Slay the pumpkins, gather the farmers, battle the herbs and steal the warriors. Or something like that anyway.

But perhaps we should start at the beginning. After fleeing the last set of idiots who insisted on giving random and pointless things to do I find my way to the NEXT set of idiots who who insist on giving me random and pointless tasks to do. In order to punish a group of humans for living across the road I'm asked to go and kill their menfolk and steal their pumpkins.

Because nothing says vengeance like a lack of pumpkins.

Of course, all this is entirely futile. The human farmers have obviously found out about that whole not having to actually die if you don't feel like it thing, as they just keep coming back. Which is probably just as well, as considering how many of them there are and the fact that their farm is apparently only capable of sustaining a handful of pumpkins to eat the starvation and suicide rates are probably pretty high.

Speaking of which....

A high tower tucked away behind the farm and patrolled by a few guards with a deathwish.

Given that:

A - I am undead and thus immune to many things the living would consider fatal, and
B - Even if my body is destroyed somehow I can just pop back up after a quick jog on the astral plane, and
C - I am FUCKING BORED of killing these idiots and stealing their shoes

The logical conclusion is thus:

LOL.  Well, seeing as how I'm a ghost now anyway...

WWWWHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..........................

Well, that was easily the most fun I've had yet. After spending a pleasant time killing all the guards, running up to the top of the tower and then jumping off I guess it's probably time to report back in. After all, if I don't go and say that I killed 10 farmers no one will actually notice the difference. What with them coming back to life again a minute later and everything.

Still, that's the requisite number of farmers "killed" chief. What's next on the menu?

Yeah. He wants me to kill some of the soldiers. The soldiers guarding the tower. The tower I just spent the last hour jumping out of. And in the process killed about 50 of the goddamn things. Of course, trying to explain to my current idiot that I've already exceeded his quota is about as much use fighting a bunch of guys who just keep coming back to life. But what can you? After all I need the money. I mean, it's POSSIBLE that one day I'll find a shop with something I actually want to buy in it. Right?

Okay, probably not. But if it's a choice between aimlessly roaming the countryside in search of herbs and mathematically precise groups of wolves with rabbits feet who wear gloves and their sword wielding bat friends or standing around doing nothing then...

WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!